This is the End of Everything

The night went on, Merle and I talked and laughed. I was feeling on top of the world. I knew once this was all gone, that it was. I dreaded coming down, I didn't like knowing that this would be the last time. I leaned against the tree and took a drag of my cigarette. Merle sat a good foot away from me. He knew nothing would ever happen between us, and he was fine with that.

"Ya know Katie, I love you like a little sister, I'm glad my baby brother is finally trying to get with a girl. I was startin to worry about him" Merle said with a chuckle at the end.

"Yeah well, your brother is quite the gentlemen when he wants to be" I said taking a drag.

"So tell me darlin, why'd you start doing coke in the first place?" Merle asked. I hadn't told Merle about growing up in an abusive home yet.

"Well it started in high school. My dad he liked to be controlling, he was an alcoholic, a drug addict, but he liked to beat on my mom, and when she left, I took her place. If I wasn't hope right after school he would get angry. I have so many scars, I've had broken bones, I joined I guess an MMA class so that way I had an excuse to being bruised up. I never really dated, I feared what my dad would do if I was dating someone. Then my ex came into my life, he offered me a way out. I was desperate so I took it. But not before stealing a lot of my dads coke. It started out as it was just when I drank. But then things changed, my boyfriend got mad one day, and he hit me, after that I felt like I needed to do everything to make him happy. Even if it meant I was miserable. I started using coke non stop, at least 10 times a day, if not more, I used it to feel good, and it just became something I needed to feel good. Yeah sure I got my tattoos and they made me feel good, but that only lasted for a few hours. When your with someone who you are afraid of how do you get out of it? I had no where else to go. Yeah I had Kevin, Mark, and Hailee, but they didn't know about the addiction, they knew of the abuse. Having sex with Daryl was the first time I felt like I was actually wanted, like it didn't matter if I didn't do everything right to please him. It made me feel so good. And now I'm afraid stopping the coke I'm gonna have to face all these demons. I've never known what it was like to feel normal. I can't tell you the last time I was completely clean and sober. Daryl makes me feel like I can do it, but I'm scared, you never know who you're going to lose in this world. I don't want to risk that." I said lighting up another cigarette, I felt like it was time to chain smoke.

"Wow, I never would've expected that from you, I guess we aren't so different. Mine and Daryl's family were abusive. Our mom died in a house fire, our dad beat me. I don't think he ever touched Daryl. I was always in and out of the juvenile centers, I tried to teach Daryl to be a man. I'm hoping it paid off. I'm sorry to hear about what happened to ya. I know I can be an asshole, but let me tell you somethin, you and Daryl are the only two people I would risk my life for. Don't you tell anyone that we had an actual conversation, I don't need no one knowin that I care about people other than myself" Merle said looking at me.

"I won't tell a soul." I looked down at the bag. "Well I guess all this great stuff you got me is almost done with. Here's to my last lines, and here's to having to deal with my demons" I said taking the last bit. I leaned back against the tree and slowly got up. I looked over at Merle who took some more of his poison of choice.

"Shall we head back to the camp?" I asked Merle.

"Yeah lets go before people start thinkin we're doing somethin" Merle said standing up.

I sniffed as much as possible before we got back to camp. I could feel a drip coming on. All I could taste was chemicals in my mouth, my throat still numb from the previous lines, my nose cleared of anything, I felt like I should run a marathon. I could feel my heartbeat racing, I walked over to the small fire, most people we're laying in bed. Hailee smiled and came over to me, unattached from Andrea and Amy. Hailee gave me a hug and sat with me. The breeze was getting cooler. I smiled at her and stretched out my legs.

"I feel like it's been forever since we talked!" Hailee said with a laugh.

"It has, but hey we found our own groups within this big group. I'm not complaining, it's nice that through all of this we found other people to rely on" I said with a smile.

"Now you and your mysterious hickies" Hailee said in a hushed voice.

"I promised it wouldn't be everyone's business" I said looking over at the blonde.

"Just wanna know, was it good?" she said winking.

"Well seeing as someone had marks on his back, I would like to say yes, it was fucking amazing" I said laughing.

"Ooooo god, it's been so long since we had a good conversation about this" Hailee said picking at her nails.

"Yeah well, there wasn't much to say before all of this end of the world bullshit" I said shrugging my shoulder.

"Are you going to find that guy tomorrow?" Hailee asked.

"Nah, I don't need to go to the city. I have enough cigarettes, and alcohol to last me" I said motioning towards the tent.

"You sneaky bastard!" Hailee said pushing me.

"Hey, can't let everyone know about my secret stash, besides if Merle or Daryl know everything I have will be gone!" I said scratching my neck.

I felt like I was going to become super twitchy. Now I needed to go and hide away, but I didn't want to just leave Hailee alone. I knew I would be up all night. I needed to stay up all night. I told Hailee I was gonna attempt to sleep, which I knew I wouldn't sleep. I sat in the tent and felt my tattoos, each one raised just a tiny bit from the scarring of it. I remembered the times that I got them, I smiled at the thought. I remembered getting my first tattoo, I was nervous, I could smell that unique smell that tattoo shops had. The smell of the green soap, the way the needle felt. I was always afraid of getting shots, which is why I never tried heroin, but the way that those tattoo needles would drag across my skin putting in different colors, turning my skin into a canvas that was uniquely my own. I remembered what concerts were like, going and feeling the music go through me. The way no one judged you when you were at a show. How good I felt when I could sing my heart out. I remembered what it was like go leave and be free even if it was just for an hour. I missed those times, even if I hadn't lived them to their fullest. I sighed and sat up, knowing that those were just about the only good memories I had bugged me. I was angry at the fact I couldn't just sit and think of all the great things in my life. There weren't many. I could've had child, but I didn't because my ex boyfriend made sure of it. I couldn't say my life was better before this. No one knew what it was like to feel helpless and afraid. This was my second chance at a life, out of everyone in the city, I was one of the few that made it out alive. I'm one of the ones who doesn't have to freak out about if I will live one more night.

There was a small tapping sound on the tent door, I looked around the sun was starting to come up, I hadn't realized how long my day dreaming had taken. I unzipped the tent and it was Daryl.

"You up for hunting? Merle and the others are getting ready to leave now" I nodded and got up, I grabbed a light jacket and grabbed my things.

"Well I guess today gets to count as day 1 of no drugs...well should that start after the high wears off?" I asked laughing a little.

"We'll count tomorrow as day one" Daryl said with a small smile, it was big enough for me to see, but if anyone was looking at us, they couldn't tell.

"Well lets go out on our mission" I said walking towards the woods.

Daryl followed and we walked around for a couple of hours, Daryl found another deer. I had a feeling this would turn out like last time. We tracked it, I gathered some more squirrels. I was ready to head back to camp, I told Daryl that I was gonna head back, and I walked away. I was tired, and my nose was stuffy and running. I got back and noticed Carol crying I felt bad so I walked over to here.

"You ok?" I said reaching her.

"It's just Ed, I'll be fine" she said reassuring me.

"Are you sure? I can stay with you for a little while" I said trying to offer some sort of comfort.

"No, Ed will get angry" Carol said.

I nodded and walked away, looking back every once in a while to look at her. I set the squirrels by Daryl's tent and went to mine. I laid down and closed my eyes, hoping for some sleep. Just as quickly as it had happened, it was gone. I sat up and took a deep breath in. My chest hurt badly. Oh great, now I knew I did too much the night before, at least it was all gone. I laid back down and tried to breath lightly. I sighed and decided to get up, I grabbed a cigarette and walked out of the tent. I lit it and inhaled, it still hurt to breath, I felt like I was going to die. I grabbed some new clothes and decided maybe bathing in the lake would make me feel better. Shane and Lori had ran off to go and do it. I saw Dale and nodded to him.

"Gonna go bathe, I'll be back in a little bit" I said and waved over at him.

"Ok, you be careful, let us know if you need any help or something" Dale said waving back and giving me a nice smile.

I walked down the the lake and found my usual spot. It was secluded, no one could see you. I got undressed and got into the water. I used the shampoo I had and just leaned on a rock. My chest was still hurting. I knew it would take about a day or so to stop. I finally decided to get out and get dressed, I felt a lot better at least with being clean. I dried out my hair, I had put the blue hair dye in before and was happy that it was back to a nice teal blue again. I walked back up to the camp, no changes. Everything was still the same. I went back into the tent and laid down again. I took out a sketch pad and began to draw, I drew anything that came to mine. I soon heard a loud car alarm heading this way. I got out of the car and looked to see what was happening. In a few short minutes Glenn pulled up looking extremely excited. I rolled my eyes and everyone yelled at him to turn the alarm off. A trailer soon pulled up. Everyone else joined back at the camp. Andrea hugged Amy, which was good, her mini freak out was bugging me. T-Dog walked over and say hi to everyone, Morales hugged his family, Jacqui looked relieved to be back, everyone was having a good time reuniting. I didn't see Merle. I looked around and listened for his annoying voice. Morales called for the helicopter guy. I was confused. A man came over, he had short brown hair, he was in a police uniform. I heard Carl yell out dad, I looked back and saw Carl run to the man, Lori following soon after, and a look of shock spread across Shane's face. I guess Lori's husband wasn't dead like we all thought. After everyone finished, I looked over at Glenn.

"Where's Merle?" I asked.

"Well..uhh he kind of got handcuffed to the roof" Glenn said scratching his head.

"What?! You didn't just leave him there?!" I said half yelling.

"We had to! He was being a danger to us!" T-Dog said walking over.

"Oh god, what have you guys done?! Daryl is going to kick the shit out of all of you!" I said looking at them.

"Yeah..and that's why we wanted you to tell him" Glenn said looking hopeful.

"Oh no no no no, I'm not in this! You assholes have to tell him yourselves, I'm not going to soften the blow for you guys, you left Merle, you tell Daryl. Simple as that. As for me, I'm going back to my tent to drink, after you've told Daryl tell him to come see me" I said walking away. No way was I going to have to tell Daryl that they left him.

I sat playing cards by myself. I played solitaire and waited to hear from Daryl. I had a little bit of food in my tent so I didn't bother coming out. What ever Daryl had to say or do was coming to them. I heard angry foot steps coming towards my tent. I looked over just as Daryl came in and sat down. He looked at me, anger was all over his face.

"Why did you find me and tell me?" Daryl asked.

"What? Like me saying 'Oh by the way, they left Merle locked on top of a roof' was going to make it any better? you'd still be just as pissed, so shut your mouth and drink" I said hanging him a bottle.

"I guess yer right. I'd still be just as pissed, but in all honesty I would've rather of heard it from ya" Daryl said taking a drink.

"Look, I'm not gonna get in this and have to choose a side. Because I choose your side, no one else is going to even bother saying anything, I choose their side, you won't talk to me. I'm staying out of it" I said

"Well then yer smart" Daryl said taking another drink.

We talked a little while longer and Daryl left to his tent. I woke up in the morning and knew that they were gone. They needed to find Merle, I don't really care what anyone says, Merle helped bring in food, and he was a good guy to talk to. I grabbed some clothes and went down to the lake. Shane was in the water talking to Carl. Jacqui, Andrea, Amy, and Carol were already doing clothes. I sat next to the girls and laughed with them as Shane started splashing around.

"Can someone explain to me how the women ended up doing all the Hattie McDaniel work? Jacqui asked.

"The world ended, didn't you get the memo?" Amy asked.

Carol looked back at Ed, he was just sitting there watching us.

"Would you really trust the men to do the work?" I asked.

All of them laughed and nodded in agreement.

"It's just the way it is" Carol said handing over some wet clothes to Jacqui.

We made a little small talk, Carol didn't say much because of Ed. We started talking about things we missed. Andrea looked around for a moment and decided to say what she wanted to.

"I miss my vibrator" She said smiling. We all started to laugh.

Carol looked back and said "Me too" we all started laughing, Ed decided to walk over to us to see what we were laughing about. I knew Carol would get in trouble if we told him what we were really laughing at. We kept washing the clothes, Andrea looked over thinking of something to say.

"What's so funny?" Ed asked walking up.

"Just swapping war stories Ed" Andrea said.

It got really quiet as we all continued to wash the clothes. No one said anything, Ed walked around behind us. I really didn't like him, I wish Carol would leave him, but she loves him, so she won't. Andrea seemed to be getting annoyed that Ed was just watching us, pacing around so that way Carol couldn't have fun.

"Problem Ed?" Andrea asked looking at him.

"Nothin that concerns you" he said taking another drag. "And you outta focus on your work, this ain't a comedy club" Ed said looking at Carol.

Andrea was beginning to get really irritated with him. I wanted to tell her to just leave it. Ed was the type of guy that needed control, just because he couldn't control us, didn't mean we needed to make it any worse for Carol. If any of my friends had stood up for me, I know I would've been in a lot of trouble later on when no one was around. I could hear Lori and Shane arguing. I figured it must of been because of Rick. I looked over to try and see what I was going on with them. I heard Andrea start talking to Ed again. I wasn't sure if I wanted to get up and leave, or if I should stay. It was a hard choice. I heard Andrea telling Ed that he can pitch in and do it himself. That was a bad choice, especially since he has no respect for women. Andrea threw the shirt at him, Ed just threw it back at her. He asked Carol to come with him. Andrea tried to stop Carol from going. I knew where this was going. I stood in the background, not knowing what to do. Ed started yelling and slapped Carol. Amy, Jacqui, and Andrea tried to keep Carol away from him. I ran over to try and pull him away, he elbowed me in the face. I could feel my eye starting to swell up a little. I felt a rush of energy run throw me and I punched Ed back. He turned around and went to swing at me. Shane came down just in time and pulled Ed away. Shane started to beat Ed, Carol started crying and saying she was sorry. We told Shane to stop, Ed was starting to look bad. I heard Shane say he would beat Ed to death if he ever did this again. Carol ran over to Ed and kept saying she was sorry. This wasn't her fault. Carol helped Ed back to their tent. I watched as Carol walked away. I felt like I needed to talk to her, to let her know she wasn't alone. Amy and Andrea decided to go fishing, Jacqui walked away back to the camp. I grabbed my laundry to go hang it up. This was going to be a long day. I touched my eye, it was tender to the touch. I felt different, seeing Ed do that made me mad. I wanted to hurt him, I would've run away. This was a new me coming out. I just hoped I could make it through the withdraws when they hit. I sat in my tent and thought for a little bit. Hopefully everyone would make it back soon, with Merle. I sighed and wondered what to do. I didn't have to wonder long, Kevin came into the tent and sat down with me.

"I see Ed got beat up, holy shit look at your eye!" He said looking at my face.

"Ha, Ha, funny. It hurts so don't even think about touching it. Ed elbowed me when I tried to pull him away from Carol" I said.

"Are you ok?" Kevin asked looking at me, he knew what I went through.

"I'm fine, I promise, no problems here" I said with a smile.

"Good, so where's your boyfrienddd?" He asked poking at me.

"Looking for his brother, who you guys left" I said stretching.

"Oh so he is your boyfriend?" Kevin said smiling at me.

"He's not, I don't know what he is to me. We've never talked about that. I guess it's just a friends with benefits kind of thing" I said shrugging.

"Ohhhh gotcha, well what do you think about him?" Kevin asked.

"When did this turn into girl time?! I don't know, he's a good guy." I said shrugging.

"Well you be careful, I don't want you to get hurt by him or anything" Kevin said ruffling my hair.

"Yes dad, oh and you don't tell anyone about me and him. I'll kill you, Hailee knows, but no one else other then that needs to know" I said looking at him.

Oh how I wished I could spill my guts about my real feelings for him. Daryl was different, he cared, he even knew what giving up my addiction will do to me. I felt like I could talk to him about anything. I needed him, but no one could ever know that. I couldn't risk falling in love with him. It could mean the end of me. Besides, I really didn't take Daryl for the relationship type.