I Need You Now

I ran round a corner and jumped into an alleyway as fast as possible. Hoping Josh didn't see me. I sat down leaning against a brick wall catching my breath. 
I couldn't hear nor see Josh so I assumed that he gave up. 
I reached into my pocket finding the knife within my pocket. I always had it on me. 
For a while I held it in front of my face studying the blade from handle to tip. Eventually I brought the blade to my wrist. I didn't apply pressure,yet,I just prodded the skin slightly,but not so much not penetrate the skin.
I look to the blade one last time before I  penetrated the skin. 
You're stupid. 
One cut. 
You faggot Max. 
Two. 
Josh wouldn't want you. 
Three. 
No one wants you. 
Four. 
Your a loner. 
Five. 
You don't deserve to be in YMAS. 
Six. 
Your a piece of shit. 
Seven. 
Your a rubbish guitar player. 
Eight. 
You're gay. 
Nine and the tears fell. 
Your not good enough. 
Ten. 
Eleven. 
Twelve. 
Thirteen. 
Fourteen. 
Fifteen. 
I went on until I saw the blood gush from my arms through my teary eyes,my eyes fluttered open and shut,the last thing I saw before they shut was Josh's  body towering over me. The last thing I felt was myself falling to the ground. 
Shit I'm in trouble.