You'd Be My Sun; You'd Be My Light

Sitting in Jake’s truck was such a nerve-racking thing now. Neither of us spoke. All I wanted was for him to drive so we could get this over with anyway. Half way through our journey, he reached over, placing his hand on my thigh. Eventually, I reached down and took it, keeping a firm grasp on it.

Neither of us spoke. Even though it was uncomfortable, I’m glad it was happening. I felt horrible about it to begin with. If Jake spoke, it would only make things worse! Not one word was spoken. Not even when he shut his truck off. Our hands just stayed laced tightly together. Eventually, he turned to me, a slight sadness building in his eyes. Fuck, Jake! No!

“You sure… this is what you want to do?” he asked softly.

“Yeah,” I pushed out.

He didn’t speak to reply. He just nodded his head. It would have been better if he wouldn’t have asked that at all! But he did! And now my heart’s breaking! Damn it, Jake!

“Do you… want me to come in with you?” he went on to ask.

“I think I’ll be ok,” I assured him.

“You sure?” he asked and reached out to push a few strands of hair out of my face.

I had to bite my lip, knowing tears were going to form. Noticing it, he leaned in and pressed his lips to my cheek. He kept assuring me that everything was going to be ok. I wasn’t… too sure though. Is anything going to be ok anymore?

As he pulled away, he pressed his lips to my forehead, telling me that he loved me. At least that hasn’t changed… for now. Once he pulled away, he asked if I wanted him to go in with me one last time. I didn’t. I can handle this… I think. And if not, then I’ll just deal with it on my own.

Leaving Jake behind, I walked into the clinic by myself; the abortion clinic. Once I stepped inside, I just felt a heaviness. I wanted to break down right at the door. I wouldn’t though! All I had to do was hold it in for a little bit and everything… would be… normal. Or as close to normal as things could be.

Once I was in a room, I had convinced myself that it was going to be ok. After this is over, Jake and I will be back to normal. I can race. Everything will be fine… expect that… Jake’s hope of having his first child won’t be there.

Before I could dwell on this anymore, the doctor came in. She first sat down with me and talked about what I was doing and making sure it was what I wanted. Why?! I had already convinced myself that I was! With her asking me, it confused me even more! But I still managed to tell her that it was. After this, she talked to me about the procedure and… I felt so numb at this point. However, when she left the room to have me change, I… wasn’t so sure anymore. I stood in front of the mirror with my shirt off, over looking my appearance.

Nothing had really changed yet. I mean… maybe my stomach came out more than it used to, but… I still couldn’t keep my hand from going down to it. But that little curve made me imagine… the cute family that Jake and I could have. Before I told him what I wanted to do, he seemed… happy about it. This… tough, moto guy… was excited about a baby. He would be such a good dad… Every night, he’s been cradling my stomach and talking to it and say how he can’t wait to meet it and… WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE?!

While I went to put my shirt back on, the doctor came back in. She saw me redressing and a look of understanding came over her. I told her that I… couldn’t do this. I wasn’t going to… This baby… is Jake and I’s and I need to… keep it. Before I left, she gave me a hug and wished me luck with everything.

I still felt a bit… emotional. I just… I was so close to terminating all of this. What if I would have went through with it?! Oh my gosh… I don’t think I could have ever lived with myself. I hurried right out of this place. Once I was in the parking lot, I wrapped my arms around myself, wanting to find Jake. When I had spotted his truck, he climbed out. As I saw those blond curls bounce once his feet were planted flat on the ground, my vision started to blur from the tears that were forming. I couldn’t even form words. I walked right into his chest… and couldn’t help but sob. I was so close to… ruining everything!

“It’ll be ok,” he spoke softly as he tried to comfort me.

“Jake… I…” I stuttered on.

“I know… It’s ok,” his voice sounded like he was… barely keeping it together.

“No, Jake, I…” I managed to pull away from him so I could look up into his eyes. “I couldn’t… do it.”

“You…” he seemed speechless.

“I’m… still pregnant,” I confirmed for him.

“Oh my god, Ky,” he seemed to let out a sigh of relief before he scooped me back up.

“I couldn’t do it,” I sobbed against his chest.

“Thank God,” he sighed and gave me slight squeeze.

“I’m sorry,” I found myself saying.

“No, don’t be sorry. I wanted you to keep it,” he replied.

“I’m sorry for almost… not,” I sniffled and looked at up… to see a slight gloss taking over his eyes.

“But you didn’t,” he countered, “And I am going to do everything I can to make you see that you made the right decision,” he added, letting his hand come down to my stomach.

Even though a few tears were still working their way from my eyes, his comment put a smile on my face. I was still feeling so many things about all of this, but Jake’s happy. Seeing him happy also makes me happy. I just hope that… as our baby grows, I’ll feel better about all of this. Right now, it just… sucks a little. But I have Jake to help me through it all. I couldn’t imagine going through this with any other guy.