Mirrors

I left my luggage at the door and I followed the tune, knowing it was coming from Hudson's study, because that was where his piano was. I quietly approached the door and pressed my hand against the cool wood, listening to him play, closing my eyes.

Gently I pushed the door till it opened and the music ceased, I stepped in and his anticipation quickly became that boyish grin, but his eyes held the same intense gaze they always had. I smiled back.

He stood up and moved out from behind his piano, "You're back."

I walked further in, only a few steps though. "Just came from the airport."

"Your hair." He softly smiled as he walked toward me. He gently ran his fingers through my hair, "It's so short."

I lightly laughed and touched my hair, "What do you think?"

"You look so lovely." He whispered, smiling softly.

"Thank you." I breathed lightly, I shrugged a shoulder and brought my gaze back to his, "Where is everyone?"

"I gave them the day off. I wanted it to be just you and I here." He replied, a faint smile on his lips.

"Oh." I nodded, tucking my hands into the pockets of my coat.

"Our anniversary is tomorrow, but I thought we could start the celebration a little earlier. Would you like to go out for dinner tonight?"

I hesitated, "Oh, I don't know...maybe we could just stay here."

"Please, I've missed you so much. I'd like for us to spend some time together. We won't go to the restaurant. We'll stay far away, go somewhere else. Just you and me."

I stared into his eyes, my heart breaking a little as I could hear the pleading tone in his voice. I looked down and took deep breaths as I stared at my feet on the red carpet. Swallowing hard and slowly, I looked up at him again and offered a small smile. "Sure."

"Great, um, just let me go change into something better. I've been living in denim jeans and hoodies since you left." He chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck.

"I've been living in haute couture while in Paris. But I'll change too." I replied, recalling fond memories of Paris. We made our way out of his study and up the staircase, he held my hand and led the way. As we went into our bedroom, he slowly stopped and turned around to face me, he cupped my face and kissed me tenderly, catching me by surprise.

"I missed you Avery." He quietly spoke.

Again I hesitated, "I...missed you too Hudson."

He smiled and walked toward his closet as he pulled his hoodie off over his head, followed by his shirt. I began unbuttoning my coat and taking it off till he paused and looked at me, or rather at my stomach and grinned. "The baby, it's growing. Fast."

I flushed and looked down at my belly. "Yeah, a little over sixteen weeks now."

Without a shirt he walked up to me and placed his hands on the sides of my stomach, beaming down at the growing life inside me. "It's incredible, isn't it?"

I slowly nodded, "It really is." A sudden nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach made me shudder, reminding myself that I needed to talk to him. "Actually Hudson, would be it be alright if we just waited a bit, before we leave? We need to talk."

He slowly brought his hands back to himself and stared at me, I couldn't read him, I didn't know if there was a faint look of fear in his eyes. "Sure, if whatever you want to talk about is important."

Shrugging my shoulders, I turned away and nodded, "Yes, this is important."

"I'll just...go put on a shirt." He quietly spoke, leaving for a moment and coming back fully dressed. "What were you wanting to talk about?"

My eyes pricked with tears and I feared that I would let me emotions keep me from saying what I needed to say. Slowly I walked toward a chair in the room and sat down. "What is it? What's wrong?" He softly spoke, sitting in a chair opposite of me.

"I know about Nora." I whispered.

His eyes darted to mine and he said nothing, he just swallowed.

Closing my eyes and bowing my head, I continued, "I know about your past, I know that there's still something there between you and her...why didn't you tell me about her?" My voice cracked and tears welled up in my eyes, "Why didn't you tell me about your past?! The dating, the engagement. I know Hudson."

I covered my face, "Why couldn't you just be honest with me and tell me?" Despite my breakdown, he was silent and stared at the floor, at a loss for words.

"Hudson, please tell me he truth, please be honest with me! Is there something going on between the two of you, right now?"

Tears came to his eyes as he closed them, inhaling sharply in an effort to fight back the tears. He opened his eyes again but struggled to meet my gaze, "There was. I ended it last night...Avery, I'm sorry I didn't tell you." He began to cry.

Covering my mouth, my heart breaking, I stood up and walked toward the window. "I know I probably deserve this...but that doesn't stop it from hurting." I cried, hugging myself. "Now I understand the pain I put you through."

"Avery, I love you, you know I do. I'm so sorry that I did this, I thought that if I got back at you that I would feel better, but I don't. It was wrong of me. Ave, I'm sorry, please forgive me." He stood up and approached me, gently taking my shoulders in his hands. "I'm sorry."

"This is so hard." I leaned against the wall next to the window.

"I just didn't feel like you loved me Ave, I'm not saying this is your fault, it's mine entirely. I just wish that we could communicate with each other." He sniffled.

"Hudson, I can't do this anymore." I cried harder into my hands.

"No, please Avery, don't-"

"Hudson, I'm tired of this. I'm sick of us constantly hurting each other. Is this what marriage is like? Is this how we're supposed to go through life? I mean, I look at my parents and I see how happy they are...I was only trying to find that sort of happiness with you. I tried so hard to be happy, to make this work, to make my parents and you happy."

"You're not happy?" Tears streamed down his face but he wiped them away. "What can I do for you then? How can I make you happy? Please tell me, I'll try harder. Ave, I'm nothing without you."

"This isn't the life I wanted. I'm tired of being a housewife. I'm tired of waiting around for you to tell me what we're going to do for the day, where we're going to, who we're going to see. I'm tired of going to parties where I'm made to feel self-conscious and uncomfortable. I'm done with being voiceless and not being able to say what's on my mind. What kind of woman would I be if I were to remain a housewife and never live up to my full potential? What would my children think of me?"

He just watched me and breathed heavily. "I didn't know I was doing that to you."

"It's not just you Hudson, I know that you're not happy either. And I'm sorry I couldn't be the kind of wife you needed. I'm sorry for all the times I hurt you, I know that I can be a difficult person. I tried to change...I love you. I love you so much, that's never changed. I'm just not in love with you anymore. I look at you and my heart just breaks because of how hard this is. I've been thinking a lot about when were both new to this relationship, when we started dating. We're not those people anymore."

He nodded and his voice cracked, "I know." He covered his eyes, overwhelmed with tears. I wrapped my arms around him and rested my head against his shoulder, he took a deep breath and began, "What about the baby?"

I closed my eyes and started to quietly cry again, "When I went for an ultrasound in May, when we first arrived...I found out the conception date. Hudson, the baby isn't yours."

He cursed under his breath and held onto me tightly, sobbing. "I wanted it so badly to be mine...I can't let you go Ave, I love you. I'm sorry for everything."

"I love you too Hudson, but we can't keep doing this. I know it hurts, it's killing me, but we need to let go."

Again his hands gently grasped my shoulders and he stepped back, "So...so what? You're just gonna leave?" He became a little defensive.

I shrugged a shoulder, "Yeah."

"Where are you gonna go?" He looked at me with those pleading and sorry eyes.

"I don't know yet." I whispered and shook my head, pushing his hands away and walking to the mirror to check my face. I took a tissue and dabbed the smeared makeup under my eyes.

"Let's go back to New York then, you and me and the baby. Avery, I will raise this child as my own. We can live in New York again, or anywhere you want, even Paris."

I looked at him in the mirror's reflection and slowly shook my head, "No we can't Hudson. We can't go back now."

He became very quiet and he turned away, walking toward the bed and sitting on its edge. "Does this have something to do with Christian? Are you going back to him?"

I lowered my head and closed my eyes, "Yes, it does and yes I am."

"But why?! He's the one that came between us! He's the one that drove a wedge in our marriage!" He stood up, his eyes ablaze.

"Because I love him!" I quickly turned and looked at him over my shoulder. "You don't know him the way I do, he's not a bad person, this wasn't his intention and it wasn't mine either. But we fell in love. Just like the way you and I did when I was with Eric."

He shook his head and sighed, "So what then? Down the road when you and Christian are living this picturesque life, are you gonna fall in love with someone else and tell him you didn't mean to, then leave him?"

"No. I'd never hurt someone intentionally. I hate hurting people."

"You do it so well though." He turned away and lifted a hand to his face, wiping away fresh tears. "I love you Avery."

"I love you too Hudson. And I wish we could make this work, I wish that there was a way to save this marriage. But I'm not happy and neither are you."

He sniffled and reached for a tissue on the table near him, sighing in frustration. "When are you leaving?"

"I was thinking tonight, I just need to pack up some things. I'll have to get the rest of my belongings sent to New York, probably to my parent's place."

And then we were silent, for a very long time. I sat at the vanity and he stood by the window. The tension in the room could be cut with a knife, and my heart pounded in my chest and I wondered if he could hear it.

Finally after long minutes of silence that felt like hours, he turned to me and inhaled sharply. "Just stay the night. You can leave in the morning, I won't try to make you stay after that."

I blinked at him and said nothing.

He continued, "I had something special planned for us tonight, it would be a waste to not go."

Thinking for a long time, finally I nodded, "Sure." My heart beat quickly and emotion overwhelmed me once again, I gave a half-smile, "Yes, one last time. Let's make this special."

"Yes. I reserved us a suite at The Ritz." He half-smiled.

"Really?" I returned the same smile.

"I want tonight to be memorable." He walked up to me and held out his hands, I placed mine in his and he pulled me up to my feet before embracing me. I wrapped my arms around him, "I don't want to be bitter about this." He murmured.

"Me neither." I whispered. "Let's get ready." I spoke quietly as I released him and stepped back, going toward the closet now.

He wore his brown leather jacket, a white v-neck t-shirt and jeans. I wore a dark blue top with pleats on it to conceal my stomach and a pair of jeans, I put on a jacket as we left the house toward the garage, where his car was parked.

"I'm glad it stopped raining." He said as he put the keys in the ignition. "I would have wanted to take the bike, but I don't want to drive it incase the streets are wet."

"That's okay, I already have fond memories of going for rides with you. I don't want the last one to be a sad one." I replied.

He turned the engine on and smoothly drove out of the garage toward the gate, I reached for the radio dial and turned it on.

You would think the drive would be awkward, but it wasn't. It felt like old times, when we'd laugh and talk about anything and everything, and listen to music. The drive was refreshing, and it felt new again.

The bright lights of the city twinkled and shone brightly in different colours, reminding me of Manhattan at night. Soon we pulled up to the front of the magnificent Ritz Hotel. He got out of the car first and went around to my side to open my door for me, holding out his hand to help me out.

As soon as we left the vehicle, a few people outside noticed us but didn't attempt to make contact, they just smiled and spoke quietly with each other stealing glances at us. The valet outside of the hotel smiled warmly as he approached us, "Mr. and Mrs. Hudson, welcome to The Ritz." Despite everything that happened earlier and what we've decided, Hudson and I held hands as we greeted the man, Hudson handed over his keys, and then we entered the building.

The lobby was breathtaking and the manager at the front desk upon seeing us brightened up and smiled, "Mr. and Mrs. Hudson, what a pleasure it is to have you at our hotel."

"Thank you, is the suite ready?" Hudson nodded and asked.

"Yes absolutely, I have the key for you right here. Is your luggage in your vehicle? I could have someone bring it in."

"No, we're just here for the evening." Hudson lightly laughed.

"Right, I will personally take you up to your suite." The man, his name tag read Philip, quickly strode from behind the counter and ushered us to follow him.

After an awkward elevator ride with awkward small talk with Philip, we were finally taken to the room and dismissed him. I grinned as we walked inside, the sweet aroma of roses filled the room and red roses were everywhere. Petals on the floor, roses in vases on tables. The suite was large, a separate dining room, living room, and bedroom. I removed my jacket and tucked it into the closet, Hudson took a remote and pointed it toward the fireplace to turn it on. I smiled, "Fancy. At the house we'd have to manually make a fire."

He smiled at me and walked toward into the dining room as I followed, he took a lighter from his pocket and lit the taper candles in their holders. Petals were also on the table surrounding a neatly wrapped package.

"This is so nice Hudson." I smiled, looking around the room.

"I wanted everything to be perfect for tonight. Hungry?" He reached for the phone.

I nodded and lightly laughed, "Yeah." He picked up the phone and waited for someone to answer, he politely told them to bring the food to the room, I guess he planned that out too.

During dinner, which was delicious, we talk over candlelight and just relaxed. "I've got something for you." He gave that boyish grin, "I'm sure you'll love it." He took the package from his side and slid it across toward me. "It's for our anniversary."

"I've got you something too." I sheepishly smiled, "Just let me get it." I excused myself and went into the other room where my bag was, taking the Movado box and going back to join him. I sat back down and smiled softly, placing the box in front of him as he gave me the package wrapped in white paper.

"Go ahead, open it." He spoke lowly, watching me with a small smile on his face. As I unwrapped it, he opened the box and grinned, taking out the watch and looking at it. I removed an old book from the white paper and my eyes pricked with tears, I covered my mouth. "Oh Hudson, I can't believe it." In my hands I held a vintage copy of The Picture of Dorian Gray.

"It's a first edition. Published in 1891. You were the one who introduced me to the book. Tomorrow it will have been a year." He spoke very quietly.

Tears escaped and streamed down my face, "Huds, this is incredible. Thank you." I lightly laughed, "So much for my gift to you, I thought I was being sentimental."

"No, Ave I love it. It's what I've needed for a long time, thank you." He smiled, reading the inscription on the back of the watch's face. "I can't believe it's been a year. I still remember it perfectly, when we first met. I remember how you were dressed, I remember the look on your face when you walked into me, and I remember the feeling you left me with when you left Barnes and Noble."

My heart beat in my chest and I tried to blink back the tears, "I remember that too. When I went for lunch with Amelia after, I told her about you. I was blushing and I felt like a teenager with a crush on you. It was a good feeling." We watched each other and the feeling was mutual, nostalgic, somber.

"One second." He stood up and took out his phone, going into the living room. Soon I heard music, it was You and Me by Penny and the Quarters, our wedding song. He came back and held out his hand to me, "Come."

I smiled and placed my hand in his, getting up and being led into the other room, pulled into a slow dance. His arm was wrapped around my waist and held my left hand, "I love you Avery." He choked up and stared down at me. He stroked his fingers against the side of my face; the whole time I gazed up at him as we danced, and memories of when our relationship was innocent and full of love flooded my mind. I missed that, but it was gone and it hurts. Tears came to my eyes and I buried my face against his chest.

Later we sat on the floor by the fire, reminiscing together. "When we lived in New York, I always loved it when you'd be in baggy jeans and an old shirt, in your studio painting up a storm. I loved seeing that side of you." He smiled fondly, slipping his jacket off and tossing it on a nearby chair.

I laughed, "Not many people get to see that side."

"But when we came here you stopped painting."

I shook my head, "I didn't feel the same passion and inspiration for it as I did in New York. Maybe I'll start up again one day...I remember that one day you came racing into the studio and you were lip-syncing to Otis Redding. That was such a goofy thing of you to do." I both started to laugh.

"See and that's that side of me no one ever gets to see either. I always feel like I can be myself with you."

"I'm glad." I smiled.

"You know, you really pushed me to better myself. You're such a stubborn woman, and I needed that in this relationship. Without you I wouldn't have gone and reconciled with my dad. I wouldn't have come to London to make my dream even bigger. You make me better, Avery."

I hugged my knees up to my chest and sheepishly smiled, "Well you have so much potential in this life. Everyone needs to be pushed every now and again."

"I'm sorry I never encouraged you to live out your dream. I know Rolling Stone wasn't your ideal job, and National Geographic had always been your dream. If I held you back in any way, I'm sorry." He lowered his gaze to the floor.

Shrugging a shoulder I just half-smiled, "No, I'm where I need to be in my life. And I believe that everything happens for a reason. Nat Geo...it didn't work out and I accept that. When I met you, you changed my life. You saved me from Eric. You brought me back to life Hudson, and I'm always going to love and respect you for that. And what's happening with us, it's for the best. I said it before that we're not truly happy. We need our own space and our own lives to grow into and become the people we're meant to be."

He reached out to me and took my hand, "I know...but that doesn't make this any easier."

I just nodded. I caught a glimpse of the clock, it was 11:30pm already. "We should go back to the house, I'm gonna need to do some packing."

He lifted his wrist and checked the time from his watch, he slowly smiled. "I really love this watch Avery. I'll never be without it." He inhaled sharply, "But you're right, we should get going."

"Thanks for tonight, I really had a great time." I got my jacket from the closet and walked up to him, kissing his cheek.

Leaving the hotel, we were met by the flashes of cameras outside. He had his arm draped around my shoulders holding me close as we walk toward our vehicle. He quickly drove off and the flashes became distant in the reflection of the mirrors. The bright lights of London were beautiful, we drove past Harrod's and the huge Forever 21, and the National Geographic store too. Places I had fond memories of. I thought back to all the times I walked up and down these streets with Hudson or Blair, the long talks, the pop-ins to coffee shops.

Shot at the Night by the Killers began on the docking system, and I noticed the car began going a little faster. I looked at Hudson and he had a small smile on his face, "I've always loved going for drives with you." He chuckled. I smiled back and turned up the music, and he accelerated even more, passing vehicles as we both laughed with excitement.

It was an incredible evening, but like all good things, they come to an end, and we arrived home and I could feel the mutual feeling of sombreness. We both knew that this would be the last time I enter this house, the last day we would be a couple. He cut the engine and I opened my door, stepping out and wrapping my jacket closed tightly as it was chilly at this hour. We were quiet as we entered in, and I remembered that I left my suitcase at the door.

I cleared my throat, "I'm gonna start packing some things from the bedroom, then I'll pack some of my books from the library. Like I said, the rest will have to get packaged up and sent to New York."

He nodded, "I'll do that for you, just take what you need and I'll get some guys in here to pack up the rest."

"Thanks." I half-smiled. I walked off toward the staircase and disappeared into the upstairs of the house. Alone in the bedroom, I slowly walked toward the closet and looked around before I began taking the clothes I brought from New York from the racks, leaving all the ones that Hudson bought for me here in London.

I clutched the clothing against my chest as I walked out into the bedroom to set them on the bed. I reached underneath the bed to pull out another suitcase of mine. Back and forth I went from the dresser, to the closet, back to the bed packing up my belongings. An older framed photo of parents rested on the vanity table, I lifted it and smiled, gazing at the wedding photo of them. I wore the same gown as my mother, though I feel like she was the one who wore it best. They looked so happy, even to this day they wear the same smiles and share the same loving gazes for each other.

Sighing, I continued to pack my belongings away until finally I stopped, wincing as though in pain I threw a sweater across the room and began to cry. Slumping to the floor, I buried my face in my hands. I was frustrated, I was angry and upset and hurt, I had worked so hard to make this work. Since childhood all I had ever dreamt of was falling in love with someone, marrying them; end of story. What also frustrated me was that since then, I had believed that marriage was the be all, end all in life. So I strived and worked myself into exhaustion, often losing myself in the idea of;

1.) falling in love.
2.) getting married.
3.) starting a family.

I realize that there are people who believe that their lives are complete and that they will be "accomplished" in life once two or three of these events happen, but Blair had helped me realize that this is not my "be all, end all." I am meant to make something of myself, to be someone. Sure, having a family of my own is what I still want (it's a bit inevitable), but I need to keep going, I need to write, publish, make a name for myself. This is what I am meant to do in this life. I guess it's better late than never to realize this.

I owe it to myself to leave. One day I'll tell my daughter about this, I'll raise her to stand up for herself and to respect herself enough to walk away from things that no longer serve her or make her happy. My decision as of now is to show her to be a self-sufficient and independent woman, because that is how all women should be. And in no way am I saying that falling in love and/or getting married is wrong because it isn't, you're allowed to love. You can still be independent and be married and be part of a meaningful union. I just don't want her to ever lose herself like I have many times before. I love Christian so much, and I love that he is understanding and is respectful of boundaries and my needs and wants. He's been incredibly supportive of me having a voice.

Lightly laughing, smiling now I wiped my tears and breathed a tired and relieved sigh. Slowly I got up, holding my belly and whispering "I love you" to my daughter.

The bedroom door opened and Hudson came in, offering a half-smile and tired eyes. "Are you gonna stay the night?"

I smiled back feeling exhausted, my eyes sore and glassy from the day, I nodded. "If the offer still stands."

"It always will." His voice cracked and he blinked.

He approached me, taking my hand and leading me to the bed where we both climbed in and got comfortable. His arm draped around my waist like always. I knew that sleep wasn't far away, and soon I'd slip away into its hold, then morning would come and I would leave.

Though my eyes were tired and sore, they let a few more tears escape as I closed my eyes and held Hudson's hand in mine, bringing it to my lips and kissing it softly.