Sex, Drugs, Fame, & Love

I ran home to my apartment. I didn't take a taxi. I ran. I couldn't talk to anybody. I couldn't look at anybody. The only one I really needed right now was Gwen. And she wasn't there. She wasn't at the apartment and I was freaking out. Where was she? The only ones at the apartment were Justin and Zach. Justin said Gwen and Jakey were seeing a movie. With what money? I thought, but it wasn't my concern. The only thing I really cared about was how the hell I was going to lie myself out of this mess. I'm pretty sure Vic knew that I was lying, I mean, who wouldn't? I was acting all weird and anxious and shaky. He'd have to be an insensitive douche bag to not sense something was wrong. And he's not.

I ran to my room and shut the door behind me and locked it. I wasn't really afraid of anyone coming in, I just don't want anyone to hear me. But I don't think a lock is going to change that, I was just being paranoid. I sank down on the floor, hugging my knees to my chin. I rocked back and forth, trying to forget how stupid I was with Vic. I got on my hands and knees and sort of crawled to my bed. I somehow managed to pull myself up to the bed with my wobbly limbs, and threw my face on the pillow. I was crying softly into it.

"How could I be so stupid?" I mumbled to myself. "Maybe they're not that noticeable." A flash of hope fills my hopeless body, and I lift my shirt up right under my bra. What I saw didn't surprise me. Scars. All up and down the sides of my stomach. They were faded, but still noticeable if you knew they were there. And I'm pretty sure Vic had an idea. They were from when I was about 12/13 to 16/17. So about four years worth of scars.

The only reason I did it was because I felt nothing. Just nothing. I wanted to feel something. So I chose pain. It reminded me that I was still alive, that I'm still human. You know that song Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls? One of the lyrics goes: Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive. So it was like that for me.

Soon I got addicted to the pain. The blood. The feeling of a pulse. Everything. And I couldn't stop. I never told anybody about it, and I certainly didn't want Vic to be the first to know. It's like losing my virginity, only it's with secrets. It's my secret virginity, I guess. Not even Gwen knows. I didn't want to freak anybody out and become the center of attention. That's the one thing I hated, and always will. It put too much pressure on me and I would get all anxious and shaky. That's another problem with me. My anxiety. I medically have it, and I take pills for it.

I stared at the scars again. They were something you could cover up with makeup. But I don't like to wear makeup that often. I seriously hope Vic didn't see them. I mean, what were the odds? He'd have to look for them to see them, and he was more focused on my lips and neck and shoulder, so I should've been fine. And if he sees them and asks about them I'll just say I got attacked by a bear or something like that.

Oh God who am I kidding!? I know Vic also dealt with self harm, he'd see through the lie. Maybe I should just stay low for a while. Low from him. Wait, no! I can't avoid him! What kind of heartless bitch would I be if I did? The worst kind? All just because I have this stupid secret from when I was a stupid teenager going through some stupid shit?

I flopped my head back down on the pillow and started crying again. I laid in silence, and I liked that, until my phone started vibrating.

"Seriously, now?" I muttered. I hesitantly picked my phone up to see who called.

Vic

Vic!?

I freaked out. I threw my phone across the room and curled up into a ball on my bed. I obviously wasn't feeling nothing now, I was feeling anger, frustration, anger, confusion, anger, and more anger. I guess I'm a really angry person. Not only anger, though, I felt like I didn't want to face the world. I didn't want to go anywhere. I just wanted to crawl under my bed and never come out. But I don't know a word for that.

I took a look at my song journal. I haven't touched it in a few days. Maybe what I'm going through right now would give me some inspiration. I actually had an idea for a song for a while, but only just a little part. So I write it down.

And these scars won't fade,
They stay to watch me fail

I stopped. I couldn't think of anything else. I racked my brain over and over for it. I imagined little Jesses walking around my brain like it's a work place and checking through files like that one episode in SpongeBob. But I still couldn't find anything. I threw my journal across the room in frustration and cried myself to sleep.