I'm Slowly Drowning

I don’t know what time I woke up, at some point I just did. I think I spend hours just laying in my bunk, thinking and pretending to be asleep. I kinda enjoyed the time just being for myself, like I used to, though, I missed Carolyn, she was always there to make me feel better, but not now. I looked at the bunk above me, which was empty so far, wondering who might end up sleeping in it, or in the one beneath Max’s bunk, one of those two were to be taken within the next month and I hoped the person were nice, maybe another girl, one I could connect with...

I wanted to laugh of myself, one I could connect with?! If another girl made her way onto the bus she’d probably just ignore me, I was really shocked that the boys hadn’t started ignoring me yet, but it would come in time, soon enough, I would be a ghost for them. I felt terrible, I’d already let them see me cry, one step closer to becoming a ghost. People didn’t want to be friends with a cry-baby, I understood them. My mind had wandered off to really dark places. I had to get them away from there or I would end up killing the little butterfly hidden beneath my wristband.

I decided to get up, just to get my mind away from how terrible I felt. I got up too fast and was fell as soon as I got up, hitting my head against the bunks at the other side, more specifically Max’s bunk. “Ow, ow, ow, ow...” I mumbled as I got up and stupidly placed my hand on my forehead, shit it hurt and I could already feel a lump appearing, great! I probably had to put some ice on it and get a painkiller so I stumbled out of the sleeping area and into the empty living room, I guessed everybody else were gathered in the guys’ bus, which they were.

Actually, I wanted to be alone, but I knew it was a stupid idea. Being alone led to bad thoughts. Bad thoughts led to stupid decisions. Stupid decisions led to harm and hatred. Harm and hatred made me want to be alone and the circle could start from the beginning again. Maybe I should just do it. Maybe I should just harm myself and make the band hate me, make everybody hate me. Goddammit, I hated myself! No. Alex, pull it together. Go out there. Be afraid of nothing. Enjoy yourself!

Before I got any chance to argue anymore with myself, I changed my clothes till a pair of black skinnies and a worn out A7x t-shirt. Lazily I pulled my hair back in a ponytail and into a huge untidy clod. I looked at myself in the mirror, washed my face and put on a thin layer of eyeliner, just to make me look more awake. Then I pulled on my worn out converse and ran out of the bus.

Closing the door after me, I found myself in an unknown place. It looked like a ship, cars, vans and busses all cramped together in a big parking lot on one of the lowest decks. I muttered to myself, the guys had just left me alone in an unlocked bus, in a humongous parking lot in the bottom of a ship! Thanks guys! REALLY considering of you! I looked around in my search for their bus and found it a few rows away. I hoped they were in there, or I was passionately gonna kill em’. It didn’t matter how huge a fan I were. If they left me completely alone to find my own way out of this parking lot, I’d kill them. Slowly and pain filled. All of em’!

I made my way over to their bus and tried to open the door, tried. The bus was locked and when I knocked there weren’t any response... I became furious and in anger I made my way through the parking lot and after about ten minutes or so, I found a door leading to a staircase. I know it was stupid, but out of pure stubbornness, I turned off my mobile. I didn’t want them to call me and make it easy, this was war! I fought my way up the stairs and found myself at the tenth deck, which apparently was the lobby and shops.

Opening the door, I found myself in a huge lobby with red couches and coffee tables and armchairs till hundreds of people. Here and there sat families and businesspeople, some of them were Danish and on their way till England and others English and on their way home from Denmark. I walked through the huge room and ended up in the front of the ship where the shops were, small clothes shops, grocery stores, etc. I really liked this ship so far, and from what I’d heard it took two days to get from Esbjerg, Denmark till Harwich, England. This was going to be a nice trip... I thought.

My liking of this ship faded a little when some loud laugher was heard from the elevators and some screaming, it sounded like little kids whom were out of control. I was right, more or less; it could as well have been little kids. Out from the corridor with the elevators came six persons, all men, all dressed in black except one and all with long hair, except one who was a lot younger than the others. I wanted to turn around and run away before they saw me, I wasn’t in the mood to deal with their stupidity, I was mad at them and if they started to talk to me, I’d just forgive them without thinking... I was far too weak.

Way to fast I spun around and because of my still hurting head, I lost my balance. Luckily, I was standing next to a couch. I let out a girly shriek as I fell down on it, gaining many weird glares from people around me. The guys stared confused at me for a second before they all burst out laughing, making me blush. I wanted to hide, but at the same time, I wanted to slap those boys. This day were just one of those unlucky ones where I kept on hurting myself, I wondered what my forehead looked like now, a giant red ball?

I was ripped out of my thoughts when something or rather someone jumped onto me. I opened my eyes to find Max sitting on my stomach, squeezing me empty for air, geez, that boy was heavier that he looked! “Hey Alex!” he said with a huge smile, “I thought you were sleeping?” How I wanted to hit him in that moment, oh, it would’ve been my greatest pleasure! “I WAS sleeping. Alone. In a parking lot. In an unlocked but. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU GUYS THINKING?! Let’s let the girl sleep alone in an UNLOCKED bus, in a huge parking lot! Great idea! Are you stupid?!” The guys looked at me, slightly chocked I think.

“Wow...” Ashley muttered and winked at me, yeah, he was hot, but I’d never end up in bed with someone like him and I didn’t want to deal with his crap right now. The rest of them stayed silence, probably only realising their mistake now, geez, were all boys idiots? Max bit his lip and looked down, “sorry, we just wanted to let you sleep, and Andy was the last one who left the bus...” I glared at Andy who tried to avoid my glare by looking anywhere else than at me.

“Oh... Oops... I’m sorry Lex” Andy muttered, I ´kinda wanted to hit him, but I just... I just what exactly? I admit it, Andy was cute and sexy and so on, but why did I feel like this? Why did I want to hit him, but at the same time I wanted to hug him, hold him close, let him comfort me, and I could cuddle up to him, kiss hi... stop! No, this was wrong; I wasn’t in love with him, its Andy fucking Biersack dammit! I was just tired, haunted by my dreams... about him.

I realised that I had to say something, do something, act, come on Alex, act like a normal person, stop spacing out and talk to yourself in your head. “I-it’s okay...” I muttered, looking away from Andy. Max gave me another of those knowing looks, I responded by pushing him off my, literately. With a little shriek reminding of mine, he fell off the couch and onto the floor. People in the lobby were staring at us like we were some sort of weird animals. We were some sort of weird animals, but still.

Everybody either laughed or giggled at Max when he hit the floor, we’re so mean. After some few other fights and a lot of yelling, we were ‘nicely’ asked by the staff, to leave the lobby... WE WERE KICKED OUT OF AN LOBBY! IN A FUCKING SHIP! This was hilarious! The guys got up from the floor, cause at some point, all of them had ended up on the floor, hitting each other without any sense actually, and then we walked out of the lobby and took an elevator till the parking lot where we got my stuff. When I’d finally gotten it all, we took the elevator back up to our rooms, we were supposed to stay at this ship at least another 24 hours, remember?

Since I was the only girl, I got a room on my own. Jinxx and Jake shared a room, Ashley and CC shared a room and Andy and Max shared a room. I was alone. I didn’t want to be alone... After about ten minutes of loneliness, I invaded Max and Andy’s room, bursting in without knocking and jumping onto one of the beds before they could even react. I made myself comfortable while Andy just glared at me in a funny way; apparently I’d taken his bed... Andy was going to sleep here... That single though made me feel a way I shouldn’t feel, what’s wrong with me?

I spend hours in the guys’ room, just chatting, joking, laughing, getting to know them and such. Max and I acted like those weird best friends who most people would avoid and Andy joined us, acting almost as crazy as we did. Yeah, I was supposed to go back to my own room, but around 1 am, we simply passed out. Max in his own bed and Andy and I in Andy’s bed... I didn’t fall asleep right away, I was just thinking. Andy turned around in his sleep so he was facing me, and he then wrapped his arms around me, making my thoughts change path. I really had to figure out my thoughts and feelings, maybe I was in love with Andy, he did make me feel safe and happy, gave me this bubbling feeling. I decided upon thinking it trough the next morning and then I fell asleep that night, cuddling up to Andy without even realizing it, I’d never felt more safe.

Maybe, I really was in love?