The Reason

The silence of my house, once again consumes my whole being as I lose myself in those words... In those words that say nothing but at the same time say everything, everything that I need and want right now. He waits for me. That last sentence gives me hope. It makes me want to continue because I know that for more paths I have to travel, I have someone who believes in me and waiting for me, in any manner whatsoever.
I feel good when I read those words... I still feel better because they are the words of Professor Haner. I just don't understand why I feel so light right now. I just don't understand why I feel so connected to him. I can even say that I don't understand why I want him so wholeheartedly.

I look around me... what I see? So much and so little. Like me. I am so much and so little. I'm so full but so incomplete. But what is the meaning of my life? What I'm still waiting for the morrow? So many questions and no answers. Only names appear in my mind as the end of the tunnel lights. Matt, Brian, Zachary, Johnny, Jimmy.

What do they do in my life? Why did they appear in my life?

I smile silently, folding the note and placing it lovingly in my pants pocket. I get up from the couch and walk, dragging me up to my bedroom. In my bed I let my body fall as if I had surrendered. Have I surrendered myself to the destination? Have I accepted once the changes? No. I just don't wanna know. I will not feeling worried. I'll just accept that all changed. No whys.

*** ​A month later ***

"Jim?"

"Natasha!"

"Are you busy?"

"Just let me finish... I'm just doing outlines." - A few minutes later, Jimmy leaves the room where he makes the tattoos along with Professor Baker. Finally, Professor Baker decided to prove that their friends were right: Jimmy is a great tattoo artist. He approaches me and shows me the tattoo he had done on his right hand. It's awesome. One of the best tattoos I've ever seen. - "Have I a new customer?"

"For sure. It was even better than I expected!"

"I wonder, Professor Baker, how are you going to do to hide the tattoo. The other one is still being possible to hide but this one..."

"I shall find a solution. Ah! By the way, Natasha. Tomorrow, Professor Haner cannot help you with the project. Stay with me after the class, okay?"

"Yes, that's okay." - I sigh of relief. Jimmy looks at me quietly. He knows how this makes me feel rested. He knows how I avoided being alone with Professor Haner. Professor Haner and I haven't been able to work together. We never spoke about the notes anymore or about the dinner with Jimmy, neither about everything that happened in my past. The truth is we can be in the same place at the same time, much less side by side. There is a great tension between us that makes me feel completely frozen beside him, my mouth shuts as if I were dumb, my eyes look at everything but him. My hands shake while I hold the pen whose ink draw blurred and lost words in a piece of paper, like the accurate portrayal of the way they come out of his mouth. Phrases interrupted by deep sighs and nervous gestures. The approach of two bodies that insist on move away from each other for the impossibility of having another. At the time we parted, neither of us said a word. We distance ourselves only.

Jimmy knows me very well although we met only a month ago. We became inseparable from that dinner. I was not wrong. Between us there was something, something much stronger and safer than love. A friendship unrivaled growth.
Professor Baker says goodbye to me and Jimmy and as Jimmy has no more customers, we take the opportunity to chat a bit.

"Have you fix things with Matt already?"

"Oh... I tried to talk to him but now he is the one who is upset."

"Why? Is it again because of me? I already told him I respect the girlfriends of my friends."

"No. He already understood this. I'm going to the house of Doctor Johnny. "

"Wow, why do you insist on going there, Natasha? Imagine that his maid recognizes you?"

"She didn't see me..."

"But she heard you."

"If she recognize me, I assume what I did. Jimmy. I'm tired of living lies. I want to take my mistake and,,."

"And will you assume that was you? And will you condemn Matt?

"Not ... not Matt."

"So? You'll ruin your life? Natasha... this is a big mistake. You didnt do it because you wanted..."

"For that reason, Jim."

"And you'll say what? 'Sorry doctor... I was forced to do it.' Natasha, don't be stupid."

"You don't understand..."

"I understand. I understand that you feel bad... but don't you think it's weird he wants to shove you into his house, so without knowing you from nowhere?"

"He just wants me to help..."

"I can help you too. There is what I have been doing this whole time?"

"I need professional help, Jimmy."

"And there's no doctors in this city. Just the homeowner that you robbed?"

"Speak low! And he seemed to me friendly... "

"Natasha, not everyone is like me or like Matt."

"I know you're right... but I'll take a risk." - Jimmy shrugs and looks down, opening his schedule to see who had the markings for hours, as if he had given up trying to change my opinion. I take the phone from my pants pocket to see the time. Missing a half hour to three in the afternoon. I caught my bag that had landed on one of the little couchs in the waiting room and walk to the exit door. I look back at Jimmy. His gaze tells me how he is, somehow disillusioned and frightened by the idea I'm going to Johnny's and I confess that I feel the same.
My eyes fix the floor, my body takes its own life and, unconsciously, I leave the store without saying a word. I take a cab and U give directions to the driver. Once again, I go back to my world of questions. I feel rudderless without certainties. I look out the window and watch an empty world like mine, where people go in the direction of a path by which they don't know if they'll return.

Maybe I'm signing my judgment at this time, but I made a choice and that choice can take me two ways: forgetfulness, escape or omission of fact. I prefer a third way: go back and amend all my mistakes, be aware and to take responsibility.

I find myself now in the street of Doctor Johnny. The taxi stops. My eyes fix the gate of a huge house where I had been once, not for the best reasons.

"It's here, young lady." - I look suddenly at the driver. I shudder. I caught my bag so slowly, pulling out the money to pay him. Handing the money, I get out of the cab, muddled and lost, as if he lost track of where I was and what I was doing there. I find myself looking at the sky as if I'm expected a miracle, some supernatural way to give me what I'm needing right now: courage. I feel my feet stuck to the floor as if I had two hands grab me in the ankles that prevents me from taking a step that is. Suddenly, someone give me a push. I look back and it's just two little kids playing. They look at me with some fear. I just smile at them and move on.

I stretch my finger towards the bell. 1, 2, 3. I'm so angry right now! I cannot do this. The feeling of guilt is stronger than everything else. Johnny doesn't deserve this. He just doesn't deserve this. Correct, Natasha. He doesn't deserve this... so, come back and tell him everything...

No. I cannot do this.

I walk away towards another street, without knowing why. Perhaps to find a way out of here. Maybe I find something to make me stay.I walk, walk, without stopping, for that long street where there are only large houses with beautiful gardens.

I stop only when I find myself dealing with two streets. Which should I follow? They are both so similar. This can only say that I just have one way forward. My third way. I'm beginning to understand that there is nothing else to do. Dr. Johnny wants to help me. Even if he really knows what happened, I cannot ignore it. I'm a different person. I want to be different. I want to change my life. I want to follow a different path that leads me to something I never got.

I start to back off and go back to Johnny's house. I am, again, in front of the gate of his house. I play the bell. Not long before the big gate start to open. I take the first step. Now, I can look at the house more precisely. I walk slowly admiring every detail of that perfection. I stop for a moment. Soon, I feel the breeze touching my face and the soft smell of flowers invades my nostrils.

I hear the sound of the door opening. I look suddenly to the door and I see Johnny coming out with a cigarette in his mouth and take the lighter out of his pants pocket. He becomes aware of my presence, scaring up a bit, which makes me smile.

"Oh, Natasha. You've been here long?"

"No ... I just got here. I was just... You have a very nice house."

"Thank you. Please, sit down!" - In front of the house there are two black benches. Johnny gives me permission to sit and he sits beside me and lit his cigarette, taking me one of his pack, giving it to me. - "You are served?"

"Thank you." - I accept the cigarette and light it. For a few moments, neither Johnny nor I say a word. We stood there, sitting side by side, just listen to the fantastic sounds of nature. It's a quiet and wonderful day. For a moment, I forget everything I left behind. I breathe deeply. I feel Johnny's hand on my shoulder and I look back at him, unconsciously smiling.
"How have you been?"

"Well I started dating Matt. We dated for two weeks."

"Really? Finally!"

"I'm afraid to be precipitate. After all, I don't know him for so long..."

"Precipitate? Well... given the conversation we had days when you left the hospital, finally something is happening in your life. And I think you should enjoy it. Of course you have to think before you act... but why not?"

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Matt has been amazing with me... he changed my life. It has been my big support. My safe haven."

"Yes, he seemed to be a great guy. What about the other guy... Ji... "

"Jimmy. Well, Jimmy is the best person I ever met. He is so spontaneous, so transparent... we became great friends in two days. I tell him everything about me and he understands me so well..."​

"It's good to know you have people by your side... but I wanted to talk to you for another reason, Natasha." - At these words, my whole body shakes. I don't want to think about anything or I'd start to panic. What Johnny I have to say, I'm prepared to listen and answer, regardless of what might happen to me. He moves a little to be able to look directly at me. I look at him, rubbing my hands in an act of nervousness and he puts his hand over mine, reassuring me. He grabs one of my hands and rolls up the sleeve of my coat, very slowly as avoid hurting me. I know exactly where he wants to go. I feel my eyes fill with tears and I close them with some strength, fighting back tears. - "What led you to this, Natasha?"

"The person I've been in the past."

"You're not that person anymore?"

"I try not to be."

"What you do not to get this person again?" - I didn't know what to answer. I open my eyes and quickly thick tears run down my face. Johnny's hands invade my face, caressing it with his thumbs while wiping the tears from my face. He is like this for a while until he's sure that I will not cry anymore.

"I let the drugs, the drink, I stopped to stea-" - I stop the sentence and I pull me away from Johnny, taking his hands from my face. He looks at me, confused, not knowing what to do. I could say that I stopped doing robberies, it is nonetheless true. But I robbed his house. It was not my plan. I haven't decided to do it, but I helped Matt this assault. And even if he had to, in some way threatened, I decided to do it. I want to stop the lies. I need to tell the truth to Johnny. I want to bury that past that tortures me. It's now or never. I turn to Johnny, looking him in the eyes and grab his hands. He smiles and waves at me, showing me he's here to listen to me, no matter what I have to say.

"Johnny, I have something very important to tell you."

"I'm all ears."

"It is not easy. I'm not proud of having done this."

"You're getting in drugs again?"

"No, I didn't. If I knew that this was your house I never would have done it..." - Johnny changes expression and turn away from me. He gets up from the bench and starts to walk from one side to the other, rubbing his face and head with his hands up looking at me with a angry look.

"It was you? It was you who robbed my house?"

"I'm so sorry..."

"But why did you do that? Why, Natasha? I'm helping you!"

"I don't know yet. And I only did it because... I had no control on myself. I couldn't help myself... I couldn't... I'm sorry... I need help. That's why I'm here. I just need help..." - My voice gets lower as I speak. The same happens with my look. I can't even face Johnny. I'm so ashamed to be able to face him. I feel his body coming up and he sits next to me again. With his fingers on my chin, he tries to lift my head to be able to look me in the eyes, but I can't turn around and face him. He takes a deep breath. Again, he puts a hand on my shoulder.

"I'll help you in anything you need, Natasha. You're a girl with so much to give. You don't have to do this."

"I know. That's why I want to finish my past. I want to change my life. And I want to take advantage of the help you have given me to get a new step."

"Count on me. But now look at me..." - Again, with his fingers in my face, Johnny makes me look at him. This time our eyes intersect in the middle of an uncontrollable intensity. His gaze penetrates mine and his smile gives me the strength and confidence that I need. I smile shyly and look down, putting my hand on his one, which is stroking my face. - "I will always be there for you, okay? But now go home and rest. I also need to get a little time to be alone. I confess that this struck me a bit but let's forget what happened. In two days I want you here again, okay? Come to have dinner with me and Lacey, my wife."

"Thanks for everything. You are an amazing person. Even after knowing that I..." - Johnny stops my speech by placing his fingers on my lips.

"Shut up. Go home, spend a good time with Matt, relax ... I want to see a beautiful smile at this gorgeous face after tomorrow."

*** Five hours later ***

I was finishing dinner when I hear the door close. I clean my hands with a kitchen towel and walk to the living room. I see Matt taking his jacket and puts it on the couch. He looks at me but avoids me completely running out of the room towards the bathroom. I shrug as if nothing had happened to me. I return to the kitchen and serve dinner. I sit, waiting for him. Five minutes later he comes back, wiping her face with the his sweater. He looks at me this time with a much calmer look. I smile at him trying to calm the surroundings. Softly, I touch his hand and gently touch his face with my lips as if I'm kissing him in a shy way. This makes him ruffle. He lets out a smile.Gradually, he will giving. I put my hand on his leg, approaching it to his groin.. I know this will drive him crazy. I'm not mistaken. Suddenly he grabs me and pulls me against him, kissing me violently. We get up and he starts to take me to the living room. He catchs me on his lap, I put my legs around his waist and start to feel something between my legs that makes me moan with desire. He lays down on the couch,with me on top of him. I kiss his lips, starting to divert up to his ear. I give small and soft bites that make him shiver as he runs through my body with his hands, squeezing several parts of my body with some strength. When I start kissing and biting his neck, his hands grabbing me by the waist and he pulls me against him, changing position, placing himself above me. He starts kissing all over my body, undoing the buttons on my shirt quickly, leaving me with only my bra. His hands clench my breasts and his warm lips kissing mine, testing, thus my limits.

"I missed you so much, Natasha."

"Me too. I hate being mad at you."

"You were just because you wanted to." - Quickly, I stop kissing Matt and I pull me away from him. I get up off the couch and start to dress me again. Matt looks at me, confused, lying on the couch with no shirt and pants with buttons already loosened. - "What?"

"What? I was just upset because I wanted?"

"Natasha, please, not again."

"No, Matt, now you'll have to listen to me... this is important to me. I need to do this. And... I'm here, right? Nobody reported me to the police, Dr. Seward was flawless and I'll tell you more..."

"What?"

"I told him what happened and he still wants to help me."

"YOU WHAT? Are you crazy? You told him that WE robbed his house?"

"No, I didn't. And control yourself, okay?" - Matt lowers the look and sits back on the couch, pushing the buttons of his pants, while takes a deep breath trying to calm himself. - "I told him that it was me who robbed his house. Only me went there."

"You couldn't have done such a thing, Natasha, you could not." - Matt's tone is calmer but I still feel that something is wrong with him. I sit next to him, trying to understand what is happening.

"But I did, Matt. I could no longer hide it. He did not deserve it."

"No, Natasha. You don't deserve it."

"What do you mean?" - Matt looks at me and I see anger in his eyes. He quickly gets up and starts walking from one side to the other, completely panicked.

"Why do you stay always with the blame? TELL ME WHY! Why are you responsible for everything I do Natasha, why?"

"Matt, what kind of talk is that?"

"I was one of the guys who was with you on that bank when you killed that man. I was one of them. And you cannot or you shouldn't take the blame for it. You already did it once, Natasha. ENOUGH!"

"What?"

"You were arrested because of me. It's because of me you suffer ... "

"Why do you just tell me this now?"

"I don't wa-"

"WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS JUST RIGHT NOW, MATT? WHY?"

"To avoid what is happening now, Natasha!"

I cannot say anything more. I start backing away, little by little, trying to hide the humiliation I'm feeling right now. I caught in my keys and leave the house without thinking, running down the street aimlessly. I have no words to describe what I feel right now. I feel betrayed, teased, used... How could he have hidden such a thing? How? How was I so stupid to have trusted him?

I feel nothing in my life makes sense. Once again, I feel empty inside. Once again, I feel alone. It all comes back to what it was. All this is a vicious cycle. All this is my life and how hard you try to change, and however hard I try to change back... everything back to what it was.

My phone rings nonstop. I take it out from my pants pocket to turn it off when a small paper falls out of my pocket. I hang up the phone, put it back in my pants pocket and pick up the paper at the same time cleaning the tears that run through my face. I unfold the paper. Professor Haner's address. Without thinking, I catch a taxi and give the address to the driver. A few minutes later, the taxi stops. I find myself near the beach. I get out of the taxi and see the car of Professor Haner parked in front of a beautiful house. Quickly, I approach the door and play the doorbell repeatedly, while I'm still trying to control the tears that keep appearing into my eyes.A few moments later, he opens the door. I don't think twice and my body throws up to him, hugging him tightly while I hide my face in his chest. I feel his hand on my head and his fingers caressing me, while stirred in my hair. He kisses my forehead softly and tries to pull me away but my body is like a rock. I'm unable to move or say a word. Brian pulls me against his body with one arm while closes the door with the other free hand.

"Come with me to the living room." - His soft and protective tone and makes me sigh but I'm still unable to do something. I walk with him towards the living room. Arriving there, I wrap myself in his arms in such a way that I begin to forget everything that happened. His soothing scent awakens something in me. Something uncontrollable makes me hug him further. I put my hands on his hips and slide them up on his back, pulling him even closer for me. He takes a deep breath as if he had some difficulties to control his breathing. I start to feel that he feels uncomfortable because he was trying to get away from me. I move myself away slowly, wiping my tears with the sleeves of my coat. He sits on the couch, without looking at me. He is so nervous. More nervous than me. I look at his hands and see how much he's trembling. I sit next to him and he looks vaguely at me, looking away again to his hands.

"I'm sorry..."

"You don't need to apologize... I said I'd wait for you."

"I know. Maybe that's why I came here." - I look down while I say these words. He looks at me and tries to come closer his hand to mine, fearfully. When finally he grabs my hand, I feel electric shocks over my whole body. I think he felt the same. I grab his hand too hard and clueless. I let my body falling, laying my head on his shoulder.

"Why are you here?"

"I needed to see you."

"Why?"

"I don't know. Sometimes I find myself wanting more about you, wishing your touch, your voice near my ear... whishing to feel your body close to mine..."

"Natasha, don't say that, please."

"What are the meaning of those notes? Why did you write them?" - Brian doesn't answer me. His fingers stop stroking my head and with his other hand, he grabs my hand gently. I ask him again these questions once looking him in the eyes. His eyes travel from my eyes to my lips. I feel our bodies getting closer. His fingers touch my lips lightly, sliding from one side to another. I close my eyes feeling his touch. I begin to feel his breath getting closer. I feel my body asking for more. My body wants him at any cost. I put my hand on his chest and I find every detail of his body. Our lips are about to touch each other, separated by only two words that come out of his mouth.

"I love you."