Listen to Your Heart

Numbly I walked in to tutor. My lips still tingled, and I could almost still feel his lips against mine. Soft at first, then hard and needing, like I was going to disappear any second. No one had ever kissed me like that before. I felt like the most important person in the world, wanted, needed. Like I was the air he breathed and the blood racing through his veins. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. That kiss; he hadn’t even kissed me like that when we were ‘together’. I looked up, spotting Fran across the room, her face lit up with confusion, she must have seen the look on my face and before I knew it I was out of the room and running. I didn’t know where I was going but I didn’t stop running. I was out of breath and my chest was hurting. I couldn’t breathe.

My head was spinning. I wasn’t sure where I was. I wasn’t sure why I’d run, but at the same time I knew I had to. I looked around me, searching for something to tell me where I was. I recognised the row of houses in front of me and decided to make my way home. I couldn’t face going back to school. Fran would want to know what was up and I couldn’t face her inquisition. She couldn’t know. I wouldn’t do that to John. I needed to talk to someone though and I knew who it had to be.

When I got home I opened up my laptop pulling up my facebook. I was relived to find Catherine was still online. I’d met Cat when I was in England during the summer. She was the daughter of the family I was staying with while I was out there. She was the same age as me, and one year away from going to university. She wanted to study English literature, an interest we both shared. She was far more enthusiastic about it though. She was not only one of the most intelligent girls I had ever met but also one of the most beautiful girls I had ever met. She was simply stunning. She stood a little over 5’5 with the most gorgeous thick blonde hair, and dazzling blue eyes, and when she smiled she had the most adorable dimples. There was something about her that lit up a room when she walked in. Despite her beauty she was never arrogant, and never used it to manipulate people like she so easily could. She was one of the most determined people I had ever met. When she set her mind on something she wouldn’t stop until she had achieved what she had set out to do. Not only this, but she was one of the people I trusted most, and the only person I could trust with this. It was something she understood well, having been in a similar situation throughout high school.

I pulled up chat and frantically began messaging her. My mind was still racing, trying to keep up with the events of the afternoon.
“Cat? I really need to talk to you. It’s about John!” I’d been keeping her up to date on everything that was happening.

“I was about to go to bed, can it wait till the morning? :/” I didn’t want to keep her up. I knew she had a lot on her plate at the moment and being sleep deprived wasn’t something she really needed, but I really needed her right now.

“Not really, can we please Skype?” I hadn’t even realised I was crying until I pulled my cam up. I tried desperately to disguise the fact I’d been crying, but it seemed to be futile.

“What’s wrong? O.o” I was just about to tell her about it when my Skype began to buzz with a call from her. I accepted quickly.

“Maria what’s wrong?” concern laced her voice. “Have you been crying?” she looked exhausted, her hair was a mess, she wasn’t wearing make-up and she was in her pyjamas. She wasn’t kidding when she said she was about to go to bed. I suddenly felt really bad. This wasn’t her problem it was mine.

“Yeah, um, I can call you back tomorrow, it’s fine.” As I said it though my voice broke and ruined any resolve I had. I needed to talk to her. I needed to tell someone because I didn’t know what to make out of any of it. What was going on with him?

“No, you really can’t. You need to tell me what has happened.” I knew she wasn’t going anywhere until I told her what was going on.

“I…he kissed me.”

“At the party?” I’d already told her about that. She’d said it sounded hopeful and that she thought I was being an idiot. It was his career to risk, not mine. It wasn’t that simple, and she realised that, but she was a hopeless romantic.

“No…today. In his classroom. I went there at lunch and things were getting really intense and then he kissed me. I didn’t realise it was possible to be kissed that way Cat. He never kissed me that way before. Not even close. Jesus Cat, I just don’t know what to do. I ran out of school, and it’s hard because I can’t tell anyone and I need to tell someone. It’s just this impossible situation. I hate him. I wish he’d never come back into my life, but at the same time he IS my life. He’s been my life for a long time. Longer than I care to admit. Heck he made me leave the country.” I was babbling and I knew it, but I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t form coherent thoughts. I couldn’t focus on anything. He still had my mind all in a twist. Just with a kiss.

“He kissed you in school?! Is he stupid? Does he want to get you guys caught? Tell me about the kiss? I need to know everything. Maria, I know how hard it is. You know you can talk to me at any time, well within reason.” she laughed, “If you ever want to come back, our door is always open to you. I’m pretty sure my mum loves you more than she loves you.” I couldn’t help but smile slightly. Her mother was cute and ditzy and I’m pretty sure she only loved me because she couldn’t understand most of what I was saying.

“We were in his classroom and we were just sat in silence and the tension grew too much. He kissed me. He shoved me against his desk and kissed me. Then he screamed at me to get out. I just don’t know what to make of it all. What does he want from me? What do I even want from him? There’s just so much that I don’t know…I’m just too scared to ask him.” I knew John was struggling with his feelings for me, and I was struggling too. There was nothing simple about this situation. If we decided to do something about these ‘feelings’ then he could face losing his job. Angering my brother, but more importantly he could face prosecution. It was illegal for him to date me.

“Okay, that sounds hot! Damn that man is delicious, you know if you ever get tired of him just send him my way.” she giggled. “In all seriousness though, I think you just need to talk to him. Figure out what you both want. A secret relationship isn’t impossible, just improbable. You guys need to figure it out. It’s only a year till you leave for uni. Maybe he’d be willing to wait. I don’t know, but you need to talk to him before it’s too late. If you guys continue the way you’re going you’re going to make a mistake and you’re going to get caught. You just need to discuss it all. He’s probably not going to want to. He’s probably going to want to pretend today never happened but you can’t let him. You two need to sit down and talk. Even if it’s just to say you can’t be around each other, or that this isn’t going to work. You both need to know where you stand. You also need to stop being so impulsive. Both times you’ve kissed someone could easily have walked in and caught you guys, and that could have spelled big trouble. I don’t want to see that so I know neither of you do.” I knew she was right. At least if we talked it out we’d know where we stood. Maybe make it easier. I also knew that the likelihood of John coming any where near me for weeks was unlikely.

“I’ll see what I can do. I’ll text him and ask him to come and meet me. My parents are out of town for the night so I’ll have the house to myself.” I noticed a small smirk playing on her face and I knew exactly what she was thinking. “Not that you dirty minx! We need to talk, and I need to know we aren’t going to be interrupted.” It was easier said than done. If push came to shove I’d have to go and visit him. Which wouldn’t be ideal; I didn’t really want to have the discussion in front of his roommate. I’m sure it wasn’t something he’d appreciate either.

“Right, well it seems like I am done here for the night. Skype me tomorrow, during your lunch period or something and let me know what happens, or just leave me a message and I’ll reply when I can. For now though, good night!”

“Okay, wish me luck.” I ended the call and pulled out my phone.

“John, we need to talk. Come over tonight.” I didn’t have to wait longer than a minute before my phone buzzed in reply.

“We have a problem…I’ll come over tonight, but we’re in trouble…” I felt my stomach drop. Had someone seen us?