Last Hope

All of this hurt, this pain, this fear. All bottled up inside, just waiting to burst. Why does no one understand? They say you're not alone, that other people are feeling what you are. But what does that do? Nothing. It doesn't help you feel better, or relieve your pain. It just makes you feel more sad, that other people, somewhere, out there, are feeling as bad as you do. I try to keep going, living for that one thing that keeps my feet on the ground, the thing that I need.

Unfortunately, I don't think they need me, and I certainly don't deserve them, I wouldn't want to poison them with my thoughts anyway. They are care free, happy. I'm the opposite. I feel like i've got the weight of the world on my shoulders and all the worries in the world. I wish I could tell them how I feel. But lately no words have came to mind.

Why must I be like this? What did I do to deserve this? Oh, yeah, that's right, being the useless and pathetic person I am, that's what.

I turned over in the bed and nuzzled my face in the pillow. I wish I could sleep forever, not have to worry about daily life, just stay in bed, asleep, dreaming of what I wish my life was.

The doorbell rang. I glanced at the clock. 10:30am. I groaned, and turned over in the bed, ignoring the door. The doorbell rang again. I just wanted them to go away, leave me to myself and my thoughts. The person at the door was persistent, ringing the doorbell again and taking up banging on the door.

'Alex!... Alex! Open up, I know you're in there!' A voice shouted. My brow furrowed, who was that, how did they know I was in here? My eyes widened at my realisation. Jack. I mentally slapped myself for not realising it was him sooner. How could I forget my Jack?

'Go away Jack!' I shouted. A blunt 'NO' was heard from outside of the front door. I buried my head under the pillow and did my best to ignore Jack.

I rolled over at the creak of my bedroom door being opened. I cocked my head with confusion.

He held up a small metal object. 'Key' he explained. 'I thought i'd be polite first and knock but you wouldn't answer so I came in'

He was standing in the doorway, dissapointment in his eyes. I rolled mine, and pulled the covers up over my head. I felt my bed sink down as Jack took a seat there. I pulled back the covers and avoided Jack's eye contact.

'Good Morning, Sunshine' He exclaimed. I rolled my eyes.

'No.. no it's not Jack. It never is, not when I wake up that is' I replied. Jack's face sunk at this, he looked away from me, towards the wall, tears forming in his eyes. I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth. I sighed.

'I'm sorry. I didn't mean it' I lied. Jack shook his head and blinked away the tears.

'You did. I already know' His voice quietened. He turned his head and looked me in the eye, I couldn't bring myself to look away. 'That's why I'm here. To help yo-'

'I don't want your help' I bluntly cut him off.

'But Le-' Jack persisted.

'No, Jack. I don't want to feel like this anymore! I'm fucking sick of it. Why can't you fucking see that!?' I shouted. Jack looked shocked, his expression begging me stop, but I carried on, my anger taking over me. 'You have no idea what it is like. Feeling like this, so down, so beaten. Everything hurts Jack! Why can't you just fuck off and leave me the fuck alone!?' I cried, punching the mattress behind him, making him jump. His frightened eyes caught mine and my anger flooded away. I had to control myself, I could never hurt Jack. Never.

'Alex' Jack whispered. I looked away from his eyes, not wanting to see the disappointment in his eyes again. 'Alex' Jack repeated, his tone harsher. I looked up at him, staring into his chocolate brown eyes. Oh, how I love those eyes.

Jack cupped his hand underneath my chin and leaned forward till our noses were touching. I flinched involuntarily at the contact. Jack remained still. He blew a quick breath at my face, taking me by surprise and making me giggle. A wide grin spread across Jack's face.

'There's that smile I love so much, the way it spreads to your eyes and gives them a flicker of life' he explained, his thumb caressing my cheek. ' I want to help you' he continued, shaking his head to stop me from interrupting. 'I'm not taking no for an answer. I'm not going to lose you Lex. No way am I going to let that happen. Let me help you, please. You are the peanut butter to my jelly, remember? The marshmallow fluff to my tongue?' He smiled at the last bit. Reminiscing. 'I want to make you better, I want you back Alex... the one I fell in love with'

My eyes flew to his at this. Confusion spreading across my features. 'You don't want me. I'm broken and bruised. I'm just a disappointment, I can see it in your eyes' I explained.

Jack shook his head slowly. 'No Alex, you're not a disappointment. I'd never be disappointed in you, and yes, I do want you, I want all of you. Bruises and all.' He continued to stare into my eyes, his eyes pleading with mine.

Tears rolled down my cheeks. He wiped them away with his fingertips. He wrapped his arms around me, so tightly, I could feel the crooks of his elbows on my sides. The tears came thundering down my face and I clutched onto him as if he were my only guiding light in a world of darkness.

'I'll try for you Jack. I really will' I whispered. 'I'll work to become better, for you.'

Jack pulled back and I rested my forehead against his.

'You're the spark that's enough to keep me going'