You Never Really Can Fix a Heart

“I swear Jack if you don’t shut the hell up I’m going to punch you.” I whisper yelled at him. It’s the morning of Zack’s birthday so Rae and I are setting up for his birthday traditions. We all have our own birthday traditions that we’ve done since we were kids. Of course mine was a little different because Zack said I had to break tradition and party since I was twenty one and legal to drink. But Zack loves birthday tradition and hates when people make a big deal out of it so we’ve continued our childish traditions.

“He can’t help it, Lo, he’s a freaking child. We shouldn’t have let him help us with the balloons.” Rae whispered, trying not to laugh out loud. You see, phase one of Zack Birthday Tradition was to fill his room with balloons. He hates this part but we’ve always done it. I’m just glad we didn’t have to carry all of these balloons across the street. When we were younger I used to have to carry them to his house, but he basically lives here so we just have to carry them down the hall.

I heard a balloon squeaking so I turned around and saw Jack squeezing one in his hands. “Put the balloon down, Jack.” I scolded him.

“Punk.” He mumbled and I glared at him. We finally got all the balloons into the guest room, well Zack’s room; all of his shit is in there. We quietly exited his room and went downstairs when the doorbell rang. Thankfully we were already downstairs so the person didn’t have to ring it again and wake Zack up before we were ready.

“Ma!” Rae squealed as she opened the door. Zack’s mom is here to make our breakfast, which I am excited over.

“Good morning my precious girl.” She hugged Rae. I ran over and hugged her too. “Is that boy of mine up yet?”

“Nope, he’s dead to the world.” I shrugged.

“Did you guys party too hard last night?” she asked as we started to the kitchen.

“Not really, he just lost a bet.” Rae snickered.

“In his defense, he totally thought Lo was lying. We never in a million years thought she would give in and date Alex so fucking soon.” Jack laughed off. Last night we were just hanging out and having a few drinks when I had the bright idea to place a bet and asked everyone how long they thought I would take to give into Alex, we hadn’t told anyone at this point. Jack and Zack said never, where Rae said a few months. I laughed and said I bet them that I would give in within the week, Rae was smart and wouldn’t bet, but the boys said they bet me that I wouldn’t. I told them I’d take the bet and by the end of the week if I didn’t give in then they would have to drink until they puke. Jack was scared and backed out but Zack agreed, thinking I would lose, but after shaking on it I announced that I had already given in that morning.

“Oh my gosh! You guys are really together?” Carla gushed as she put down the grocery bags.

I blushed and nodded. “I thought, hey it’s about time I just let life take its course. I can’t be alone for the rest of my life.”

“I’m so happy for you, honey!” she gave me a hug.

As Carla started cutting up the fruit for our special dessert quesadillas Jack squealed like a girl, earning laughs from the rest of us. He’s pretty excited for the food. There were footsteps from the stairs, since we haven’t heard Zack cussing up a storm; it has to be Alex since everyone else left yesterday. “What’s with all the squealing down here?” Alex asked sleepily as he rubbed his eyes.

“Aww, poor baby got woke up.” I said in a baby voice as I walked over to him to give him a hug.

“It’s Zack’s birthday!” Jack said excitedly making Alex groan.

“I know that, but why are you so excited about it?” Alex asked as he laid his head on top of mine. He almost made me fall over since he’s putting all of his body weight on me.

“You’re such an outsider.” Jack mumbled.

“Shut up, Jack. You have only been a part of Zack’s birthday breakfast once.” Rae scolded him playfully.

“I’m confused, what is going on?” Alex asked confused through his yawn.

Carla placed a dessert quesadilla on a plate as she looked up at Alex with a smile. “For as long as I can remember Zack, Lauren and Rachel have had traditions on their birthdays. On Zack’s I make them these quesadillas for breakfast, then they go out and do god knows what, and when they come home I have my special chili waiting for them. And they end up sprawled out on the floor watching movies until they fall asleep.”

“It’s only them three though.” Jack said sadly. “But last year I crashed the breakfast part because I was really hungry.”

“I’m surprised these two let you guys stay last night knowing what today is. They are usually pretty strict on this.” Carla laughed.

“Alex won’t leave my side, hell he brought Baz over here so he wouldn’t be home alone anymore. It’s like he’s moved in!” I over exaggerated.

“It’s understandable.” Carla nodded.

“And Jack, I can’t get rid of him. Contemplating on spraying him with bug spray to see if he dies.” Rae joked.

“You love me!” Jack exclaimed as he thrusted his hips toward Rae. Me and Alex laughed while Carla and Rae rolled their eyes.

A few seconds later there was a huge crash from upstairs and several balloons popping. “Fucking shit! I’m going to kill you guys!” Zack yelled.

“Sleeping beauty is awake!” I laughed.

“Where are the dogs?” Alex asked.

“I put them out this morning so they wouldn’t pop the balloons. Finn popped like five of them last year and Zack got more annoyed than usual because Max started barking. Thankfully we didn’t have Tarzan at the time because he would have caused a ruckus.” I explained as Zack made his way into the kitchen rubbing his head.

“Can we really quit that tradition? Please? You would think I’d be used to it after ten years but I’m not.” Zack said annoyed.

“Not happening.” Rae said matter of factly.

“Morning, Mom.” He said, kissing his mom’s cheek. “Everything set for today?” he asked me.

“Yeah, we finalized everything last night.” I nodded.

“I guess I should grab Baz and go home.” Alex said squeezing me tighter into his side.

“You can lounge around here if you want. I’m sure Baz will enjoy staying with our pups.” I told him.

“That’s true, but I should go check on my house.” He kissed the top of my head. Zack shot him a questioning look which confused me. Why was he being rude to Alex? Did something happen that I don’t know about?

“Why don’t you just come with us?” Zack said, stealing a strawberry from the bowl and popping it into his mouth.

“What?” Jack yelled. “You never let me join, but because they are dating, he gets to join? What the fuck dude?”

“This seems like something between you three, I don’t want to intrude.” Alex shook his head.

“It’s always just been us three, because we’ve only had each other. Even when Jack found out about them, the girls didn’t want it to get out so we wouldn’t let him join us. But with everything that has happened, we’re all a family now. So both of you join us, we can call Rian and have him come out with us.” Zack shrugged.

“You should call Lena, I’m sure she’d love to see you.” I smirked at him. Lena is Zack’s on and off again girlfriend. They are perfect for each other but Zack is always touring and Lena travels a lot because she’s a model. Yes, a model. We all went to high school together and they basically were inseparable after Zack and I broke up.

“Is she even in town?” he questioned.

“She is, Rae and I saw her at the bakery yesterday when we went to make your cake.” I told him. I’m pretty sure I saw him blush. I know he still loves her but things are just really complicated. I just hope that either they get back together or he finds someone who can put up with his lifestyle. He deserves to be happy.

“Call her and see if she can come, I’ll call Rian.” He shrugged. I squealed and called her and she said she’d love to come with us.

“So what exactly is in this?” Alex questioned as he picked up a piece of his dessert quesadilla.

“It has peanut butter that’s all you need to know. Now eat because we have to leave it an hour and a half and you and Jack takes forever!” I told him with a giggle.

We all finished our breakfast and got ready to leave. And of course, Jack’s impatient self, acted like a four year old and kept asking where we were going. When we arrived at the lake they were excited. We all had fun acting like dorks, fishing, having a picnic and just hanging out. I felt bad for Rian though because he was kind of like the seventh wheel, his girlfriend is in Florida visiting her family. I told him he should go and see her, but like the sweet guy he is he wanted to be there for me. I finally convinced him to take the last of his free time to go see her because I’m fine and have plenty of support. When it came time to go to phase three of the day, we told everyone that we would be right back because we needed a moment to just the three of us and decided to go take a walk.

“So when are you going to let Jack be your boyfriend?” I asked Rae when we were far enough away from the guys and Lena.

“I don’t know.” I sighed because I know she’s avoiding the inevitable. “I don’t think he’s ready for a relationship. The sex is good, but how is he going to do with an actual relationship? I don’t want to be that girl who is scared of her boyfriend cheating on her. Landon lived here and cheated on me all the time, he had another girlfriend on the side, and I never suspected it. Jack is gone most of the year; I don’t think I can handle it.”

“You can’t be scared for the rest of your life.” Zack pointed out. “And it’s not like he’s going to be alone, I would never let him cheat on you.”

“Zack has a point, and you will never know how Jack will be if you don’t give him a chance. I’m scared shitless to give Alex a chance, but I’m sick of being stuck. I feel like I haven’t moved forward with my life and it’s time that I do. We both deserve to be happy and I’m sure that Jack and Alex can make us happy.” I encouraged her.

“I’ll talk to him about it and see what he says. I know I promised that I would take this risk so I will.” She smiled sadly. I know she’s scared, I wish we had a magic ball that could tell us how things will end.

“What about you, mister?” I turned to Zack, “Are you going to try and work things out with Lena?”

“I think I just want to be friends with her, at least for now. We need to work on our friendship before we can think about starting a relationship again.” He sighed. I know their friendship was strained through the whole situation. Hopefully they can work things out.

“And why were you being so weird with Alex this morning? I get that I’m dating Alex now but it’s been like a day, nothing that needed to change tradition.” I asked highly curious.

“It may be only a day, but you two have been side stepping over this for weeks. I can see it getting serious quickly, I just want to see that you guys get all the time you an before we leave.” I could tell he was keeping something from me, and I want to know what it is.

“Zack, tell me the truth, now.” I stopped walking and grabbed ahold of his arm so he would stop walking too.

“That’s a conversation you need to have with Alex.” He told me.

“But I am asking you. What is going on?” I demanded.

“Are you forgetting who he lives with?” he retorted.

“Yeah with Rian.” I furrowed my eyebrows then I remembered it wasn’t just them two. “And Lisa.” I groaned.

“Yeah, he may be one of my best friends, but he’s now dating one of the most important people in my life. You’ve been through way too much for him to fuck it up. I am the one who told you to take this risk, and I’m proud that you are. But that also means that if he hurts you that it’s on me, so I will make sure that he never hurts you. When he said he was going home, I guess it ignited the protector in me so I invited him with us. I didn’t want him to be alone with Lisa, she’s a sweet girl and all but she will never give up on getting Alex back. He’s over her and I promise you that, but she won’t take that for an answer.” Zack explained. I’m not almost in tears. Am I making a colossal mistake? I know how it is to be a girl with a guy in her sights and will stop at nothing to get him back. I have enough trust issues and relationship anxiety; I don’t need to throw myself into this relationship with all of this drama. It won’t end well for any of us.

“I put Lisa out of my head; he told me that he’s a hundred percent done with her. He told me that I’m the only girl he wants to be with. I want to believe him; I could tell in his eyes that he’s being honest with me.” I tried to will the tears to go away. “I’ll talk to him about his living situation later; right now I just want to enjoy your birthday.”

“Let’s have fun.” Zack smiled and we made our way back to where everyone else was.

“Time for phase three of birthday tradition.” I announced.

“Aww, I was having fun hearing embarrassing stories about Zack from Lena.” Jack whined.

“We have all night for that.” Lena laughed earning a playful glare from Zack.

“What is phase three?” Alex asked.

I took a deep breath and looked at Rae who put her arm around my shoulder. “Sure you want to do this? We can do it tomorrow.” She said.

“It’s okay.” I sighed. “You’ll have to wait and see.” I said then started walking toward the car. I heard them whispering from behind me but I just kept walking.

I know I should prepare them for what is about to come, but I’m not sure how to tell them. Jack knows the story but he doesn’t know this is what we do on our birthdays. When we got in the car I sat in between Zack and Alex in the back of Rae’s car, Rian and Lena are following us. Alex reach over and held my hand but I didn’t look up at him, I just continued to stare at the floor. I know he wanted me to talk to him, but I’m not sure I can until we get to where we are going. I might lose my nerve if I start talking now. When we pulled up to our destination, Jack was the first to look at me. “You’re sure you want us here for this?” he asked concerned.

“It’s going to come out eventually.” I shrugged and nudged Zack to get out of the car.

When we all got out of the car I received some questionable looks from Alex and Rian, Lena knows why we are here and gives me a sad look. “Why are we at a cemetery? You’re not gonna do some kind of weird voodoo crap are you?” Rian asked nervously.

“No, we’re not. Just follow me.” I told them and started walking to where I needed to be.

“Babe, you’re scaring me. Just tell me why we are here and why you’re not talking.” Alex pleaded with me. But I ignored him, until I got to where I needed to be.

“Guys, meet my brother, Leo.” I told them as I looked at his headstone.

“You’re brother?” Rian asked.

I looked up at them with tears in my eyes. This is a story that I’ve never told anyone. Lena knows because she was dating Zack at the time Leo died and Jack found out by accident last year when I was in my dark period. On each of our birthdays, we come to the cemetery and just talk to him like he’s still with us. He was an important part of our group and it’s very hard without him with us. “My twin brother to be exact. He died a month after our high school graduation.” I told them.

“Wh-what happened?” Alex stuttered in shock. Rae and Lena came over to me and put their arms around me. I tried so hard not to break down, but I knew I was going to cry.

“He had leukemia. He got it when we were five but he recovered. Of course it just had to come back when things seemed so perfect.” Tears started to fall from my eyes and I was already choking back sobs. “When it came back it was worse than before. His kidneys were failing, I was able to donate one of mine but he wouldn’t let me. I could have saved him, but he made peace with his fate. He didn’t want any of us to save him, he said if this was what God had planned for him then he wasn’t going to fight it. I wanted to hate him for it because he was my best friend, my twin, my other half and he wouldn’t fight for his life. I needed him and he gave up. But I couldn’t hate him because I loved him so much.” I fell to my knees and just sobbed.

“The only way we knew how to honor him was coming out here on our birthdays and tell him that we are still friends and we are still doing our traditions. We sit here and tell him about our day and our lives.” Zack further explained. I could tell by his voice that he was too crying.

“That’s why you always just have it you three.” Alex said it was more of an observation than a question.

“It felt like the right thing to do. Growing up it was always just us four even when Leo was sick. Until I joined the band I never really had friends outside of them.” Zack told them.

“At first we hated you guys for taking Zack away from us, all the band practices pissed us off. But we knew that he loved music and this was a good opportunity for him. That’s why Leo’s last wish was for us to remain best friends and not let anything come between us. Even if you guys become rich and famous, that we would always be there for each other.” Rae said through her own tears. I looked up and saw tears streaming down Alex’s face. Rian had tears in his eyes too.

Alex came over to me and lifted me back up to my feet before wrapping his arms around me tightly. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that.” He whispered to me. “Thanks for letting me in.”

I looked up at him with tears in my eyes; “I trust you.” was all I said before burying my face in his chest.

After our emotional talk with the guys and with Leo, we piled back into our cars and drove back to the house. Zack’s mom greeted us and told us that our chili was all made before leaving us to our night. We all got settled in, grabbing bowls of chili and some wine. Lena ended up telling more stories of high school life at Towson which was really fun going down memory lane. After we ate dinner we went down to the basement and watched movies until everyone ended up falling asleep in various places. I knew it was a big step telling Alex that I trust him and letting him know about Leo, but there is still a lot to learn about me. And there is still a lot that we need to talk about before we become any more serious than we already are. This is going to be one wild ride.