You Never Really Can Fix a Heart

I wake up the next morning wrapped up in Alex’s arms, which is unusual because usually he is sprawled out on the bed. But I guess since we fell asleep on the pit couch with three other people it’s a bit more confined. I remember that I have a photo shoot today so I slowly slide out of Alex’s grip on me and quietly go upstairs. I enter the bathroom, locking the door behind me, and shed my clothes. Once I’m in the shower and feel the water hit my body I let myself break down. I sit in the shower and just cry. I’m not crying only because of what happened yesterday, having to tell Alex about Leo, but because today is my first day back to work and I’m stressed about that. And I have an appointment with my therapist today. I called her a couple of days ago and talked to her about my dreams and what I’m allowed to know about the whole drug incident, so she told me to come in and we’ll talk about putting me under hypnosis to draw out the memories. I haven’t told anyone about this because I want to do this on my own. I’m tired of feeling like a baby and everyone walking on eggshells around me, afraid to talk about it, afraid of what I would do.

Once I’m done crying I take my shower. Once I’m done I turn off the water and wrap myself up in a towel and go to my room. I was startled to see Alex sitting on my bed with Baz and Max next to him. Tarzan had one of his toys and was playing on the floor. “What are you doing awake?” I asked him as I pulled out a bra and underwear out of my drawer and put them on.

“The dogs wanted out.” he shrugged. “Going somewhere?”

“Yeah I have to go to work.” I told him, avoiding eye contact with him. I went over to my closet and pulled out a batman shirt and put it on a pair of ripped jeans.

“That’s what you wear to work?” Alex asked me when I came out of my closet.

I shrugged, “All I am doing is taking pictures of people, no one cares what I wear.”

I went back to the bathroom and blow dried my hair the pulled it up into a ponytail because I really didn’t feel like doing anything with it. I retreated back to my room and pulled out a pair of socks from my dresser then went to my closet to get my grey converse. I sat at vanity to put them on then turned around and put on some eyeliner and foundation.

“Are you upset with me?” Alex finally asked.

“No, I’m just tired and slightly hung over.” I told him then went over to my bed, bending down to kiss his cheek. “What are you doing today?”

“I’m probably going to take Baz home and clean up a bit.” I told me as he ruffled Baz’s fur.

“Oh, are you coming back here tonight?” I asked as I picked up Tarzan off the floor and hugged him.

“I don’t think so.” He shrugged. “I should probably do laundry and get ready to go back to LA, and then we have tour in less than a month. Lots of things to do before then.” I knew all of that, but there was this sinking feeling that he’s staying at his house for Lisa.

“Okay, my bed will be lonely without you. But I guess I’ll see you whenever. Bye.” I said putting Tarzan down before saying bye to Max.

I heard Alex’s footsteps trailing behind me as I rushed downstairs. I picked up my keys and purse and went to leave when Alex grabbed my elbow and turned me around. “Why are you so upset with me? And don’t tell me you aren’t because I can tell that you are.”

“I’m going to be late, so I really can’t talk right now.” I tried to jerk my arm out of his grasp but he just held on tighter.

“I’m not letting you go until you tell me what I did?” he said forcefully.

“You’ve done nothing wrong, I just hope that you don’t give me a reason to be angry.” I said calmly then pushed him away and left the house.

Thankfully I already had my camera and equipment in my car so I could just run to my car and leave quickly before Alex could stop me again. Today I’m doing a photo shoot for a couple who is doing engagement photos. It was a fairly easy photo shoot and was over within a couple of hours. I went straight to my therapy appointment after the photo shoot. To say I was scared shitless was an understatement. The way that people were tiptoeing around what happened makes me know that it was something big and I’m not sure if I’m ready to remember it. But if I don’t remember it then the nightmares will just get worse and I need some sleep.

“What do you want to talk about today, Lauren?” Dr. Peterson asked as we sat down in her office.

“I came here for the hypnosis, but I’m scared to do it.” I admitted to her.

“Scared of what you will find out?” she asked and I nodded. “How about we just talk for a bit before we get to that? Tell me about what’s been happening in your life.”

“I have a boyfriend.” I told her and she was clearly shocked to hear that. “As much as I want it to work, it probably won’t.”

“Don’t sabotage something before you give it a chance.” She stated, giving me a warning look.

“I’m not trying to sabotage it, I want it to work. Yes I am scared at how quickly my feelings are developing for Alex, but he lives with his ex-girlfriend and I’m not comfortable with that. She’s still going after him and as much as he reassures me that he’s over her, I still have that doubt in the back of my mind. How many times did Blake tell Melanie he’s over me and he would still come back and have sex with me? Half the time it wasn’t willingly, but there will still times that he got me weak at the knees and I would sleep with him. Alex and Lisa have history, you can’t ignore that. I just don’t want to get hurt again.” I rambled on as I picked at my nail polish.

“Have you talked to him about your concerns?” she asked me.

“Nope.” I said popping the ‘p’ “I honestly forgot they lived together until Zack reminded me. Alex is one of his band mates. And I didn’t want to get into it with Alex on Zack’s birthday and today I had to work then I came here.”

“You should talk to him about it before you start to fill in those cracks I see he made. I don’t see why he wouldn’t see your side of the story.” She said in a motherly tone.

I sighed, “I know he would see my point of view, but at the same time we haven’t been together that long and I don’t want him to think I’m some kind of controlling or clingy girlfriend. I’m not that girl. And I don’t want her to target me for getting her kicked out or something especially if this may not last.”

“Just talk to him and see what he says. Maybe he’s already talk to her and hasn’t said anything to you so you won’t worry.” She reassured me.

“You’re right.” I smiled weakly. I was still having doubts but didn’t want to talk about this anymore. It’s giving me way too much anxiety and I am already anxious about this hypnosis. “I think I’m ready for the hypnosis. If I don’t do it now, I never will.”

She nodded, “okay. I want you to lie down on the couch.” She instructed me and I did. “Now close your eyes and just clear your mind like you’re meditating.”

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I cleared my mind and told her I was ready. “Now think back to the last thing that you remember before you woke up in the hospital.”

“I was at the bar talking to Candice. I wanted to drown myself with alcohol because I had heard that Alex was going to get back with Lisa. I couldn’t handle feeling rejected and hurt by him. A guy came up to me and offered to buy me a drink and I let him.” I could see the images in my head like it was happening right now. Something felt wrong and my heart started racing. This guy obviously is the one who caused me to overdose.

“Candice told me to be careful but I didn’t listen, I started dancing with him and he kept buying me drinks. At the end of the night, I left the bar with him. Candice tried to get me to stay but when she went to call Rae I snuck out with him. We go to an apartment building.” I continue to remember, but I don’t want to remember anymore.

“You’re safe, Lauren. Nothing can happen to you here.” Dr. Peterson reassured me. Something in her voice calmed me down a little bit. Enough for me to continue that is.

“We start taking off our close and are making out. When we get to the bedroom, he gives me some kind of pill. He said it would make the sex better. I believe him and take it. I feel like I’m in another world, the way he’s touching me, I feel amazing. I want more, I need more. After we have sex another girl comes over. He gives us both pills and some wine. He makes me kiss the girl, and then he comes over and starts to touch us both. Something told me to leave, but I didn’t want to because of this euphoric feeling. I don’t know how much time had passed but I woke up on the couch. I tried to stand up but everything was spinning. That’s when he came over and pinned me to the couch. I tried to push him off but he forced himself on me.” my skin began to crawl as I remembered these events. I wanted to throw up, but I wasn’t done remembering. “When he was done, he forced me to drink this glass of vodka that he put something in. The next thing I know I woke up in the hospital.”

My eyes flew open, I sat up trying to swallow back the bile rising up to my throat, but I couldn’t. I rushed to the trash can and emptied the contents of my stomach. Once I was done I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and went to sit back down. “Did you know?” I ask Dr. Peterson.

“No one knew the details of what happened, just that you and another girl were found in an apartment. There have been several attacks on young girls with the same results. You and one other girl are the only ones who survived.” She told me.

I don’t exactly know what to think in this moment. I just feel dirty. I want to scrub his touch off of me. I want to find him and kill him for what he’s done. Then it hit me, I had sex with him, multiple times, I could be pregnant. I had sex with a girl! My head is spinning and all I want to do is cut. I wish I hadn’t remembered anything. Why do bad things always happen to me? Do I have a ‘rape me’ sign on my forehead and don’t know about it? What am I going to do when I go home and tell everyone that I remember? They are going to coddle me even more to make sure that I don’t cut. I want to crawl in a hole and die.

Alex’s POV: (Right after Lauren left the house)
I stood there staring at the door that Lauren just left out of, completely dumbfounded. We had an amazing day yesterday. She acted completely normal, other than her break down when she told us about her twin brother, she was fine. What the hell did I do that she’s pushing me away? Is it just because she’s scared and wants me to leave her before she gets more invested into this relationship? I don’t know what to do.

I heard someone coming up from the basement, I turned to see who it was and it was. It was Rae, who didn’t really look like she wanted to be awake. “Morning.” she yawned.

“Morning.” I nodded.

“Why are you staring at my front door?” she asked confused.

“Lauren just left.” I shrugged. “I think she’s mad at me, but I have no idea why.”

Rae snorted letting me know that she know what’s going on. “Boys are so oblivious.” She shook her head and went to go upstairs.

“Wait.” I called out and she stopped and turned around on one of the steps. “What did I do?”

“If you really have to ask that, then you shouldn’t be with my best friend. Now I have to get ready for work.” She said then turned and went up the stairs. I raced up the stairs as I called after her.

“Please tell me what I did! I can’t fix it if no one will tell me what the fuck I did!” I said a bit too loudly, but I was freaking out right now. I can’t lose Lauren; she’s probably the best thing to happen in my life.

“Go home and you’ll figure it out. And if you don’t, then don’t bother calling Lo or coming back here.” She told me then closed her bedroom door in my face. What the hell did that mean?

I went back downstairs even more confused than I was before. I was shocked to see that Jack was up. He was sitting at the breakfast nook in the kitchen with a cup of coffee. “Hey dude.” I said as I sat across from him.

“Hey, what’s up with that look on your face?” he asked concerned.

“Lo is mad at me for reasons unknown. And all Rae would tell me was I would find my answers at home. I have no idea what the fuck is going on.” I explained as I ran my hands down my face.

“You really have no idea?” he raised an eyebrow. I shook my head and he gave me a disappointed look. “Rae told you the answer. Your answers are at home dude.”

“What does that mean?” I whined.

“Who do you live with?” was all he said.

Fuck. I live with Lisa, that’s why Zack didn’t want me going home yesterday. He didn’t trust me alone with Lisa. Now Lauren is skeptical about me. they have to know that I would never cheat on her. But I guess my track record isn’t that spectacular. I cheated on Lisa more than once; I still don’t understand why she keeps coming back to me. I know in my heart that Lo is more special than Lisa ever was, as bad as that sounds. How do I convince her of that, and get Zack to trust me with his best friend?

“What do I do?” I asked Jack.

“I can’t answer that. I love Lisa and her craziness. She’s a sweet girl. But I love Lo too, she’s became a really close friend to me. I will tell you though, that if you’re serious about Lo, you can’t live with Lisa. I know she’s your best friend and you wouldn’t tell her she had to move, but Lo is special and fragile. She doesn’t need more reasons to doubt you when I know that you two can be great.” When the hell did he get so fucking wise? Guess that’s what happens when you fall in love.

“Do you think they would mind if I left Baz here? I need to go talk to Lisa, and it probably will get heated and want my dog to get scared.”

“They have three dogs and a huge ass fish tank. Rae talking about adopting another dog. I doubt any of them would mind.” Jack laughed.

“Well I guess I’ll go now.” I said then grabbed my keys off the kitchen counter and left. When I got back to my house I saw Lisa’s car in the driveway. I wasn’t ready for this conversation, but it has to be done for me to move forward with Lo.

“Hey Lex.” Lisa greets me as I walk through the door. “Where’s Baz? And where have you been?”

“He’s at my girlfriend’s house, that’s where I’ve been.” I stuffed my hands in my pockets.

“Girlfriend?” she gasped. “When did that happen?”

“Recently. I told you that I was talking to someone, we finally made it official.” I tried to stay calm. I know how Lisa is, when she feels like she’s losing me, she digs her claws in deeper.

“So you’re just going to take our dog and live with her without telling me?” she snapped as she folded her arms over her chest.

“This is my house and I’m the one who adopted Baz. I’m not moving in with Lo either. That’s why I’m here; we need to talk about our living arrangements. I go back to LA next week for two weeks then I’ll be home to repack and leave for tour. I’ll stay with Lo until I leave for LA, and I’ll give you until I’m back from tour to find a place.” I explain to her. Her eyes start to well up with tears; I can’t handle seeing a girl cry.

“Why are you doing this?” she sniffed. “We love each other, so why are you tearing us apart?”

“I do love you Lisa, but I’m not in love with you anymore. I haven’t been for a while. You’ll always be an important person in my life because you were the first real relationship I ever had and the first girl I ever truly loved. I thought I loved girls before but that wasn’t love, what we had was love. I will cherish our time together. But you have to admit, we were toxic for each other. I hurt you, you hurt me, and it wasn’t healthy. It’s time that we both move on. I have moved on.” I told her.

“This isn’t the end.” She said through gritted teeth before storming out of the house. I probably should be scared, but I just brush it off as her being bitchy. I need to get clothes and get back to my lady and tell her how much I care about her and that I won’t ever hurt her.