You Never Really Can Fix a Heart

I was woken up by the sound of the shower running and Alex singing a Blink-182 song. I laughed at the sound of his over exaggerated singing. There was a knock at the hotel room door so I wrapped the sheet around my naked body and went to answer it. When I opened the door there stood Rian and Cassadee. Cassadee snickered at my appearance. I rolled my eyes and invited them inside.

"Nice bite you got there." Rian laughed as he poked the noticeable hickey that Alex left on my chest.

"Fucking shit that hurt!" I cried out in pain.

"What happened? Are you okay?" Alex asked worriedly as he ran out of the bathroom. He was dripping wet and still naked.

"Alex! Put your dick away there are people in our room!" I scolded him.

"Sorry, I thought you were hurt. And I didn't know they were here." He pouted as he walked back into the bathroom.

"Aww don't pout, you know how that turns me on." I laughed loudly.

"Lauren!" Rian yelled, "Keep your personal business personal. I heard you girls already traumatized Cassadee last night."

"Whatever." I rolled my eyes. "She's been on tour with you guys, there's nothing left for her to be traumatized with. Plus if she's going to be sticking around with us then she will have to learn that the girls may have boobs and vaginas but we have mouths like sailors and the brains of a fifteen year old horny boy."

"Like I said, you girls are the female versions of these idiots." Cassadee laughed.

"Hey, I resent that!" Alex said as he reentered the room, now fully clothed. "They drink like girls."

"You've never seen me drink. And I mean really drink. I'm pretty sure I can drink more than you and not cry or puke." I told him confidentially.

"I did see the girls knocking back whiskey shots like nobody's business while we were getting ready for the party and not even get buzzed." Cassadee vouched for me.

"Ha!" I stuck my tongue out at Alex.

"I wouldn't mess with her dude. I haven't spent much time with her but when I have I know that she's one feisty girl." Rian told Alex in a warning tone. I hung out with Rian a couple times in high school but other than that I've only been around him for brief amounts of time when I've been to concerts. When they have off time he usually goes to spend time with his family and Cassadee, used to be Kara. He has seen me drunk though so he does know that I can drink boys under the table. I'm a fucking fish.

"So you guys are here why? To help me humiliate Alex and his curvy penis?" I joked. I absolutely love embarrassing Alex which is hard to do, he's such an open person and jokester that it’s difficult to make him blush. That doesn't stop me from trying though. It also scares me that I am like this because I am not the type of girl to gush and be mushy with a guy. This is not who I am or maybe it is and I've never been able to be myself. I'm not exactly sure what to do.

"Oh we are on wake up duty. Rae said everyone has to be in the dining hall in twenty minutes." Rian informed us.

I groaned and told them that we would be down in time. All I wanted was to go back to bed but that was out. I'm surprised that Zack hasn’t already woken me up to go jogging since I was pretty wasted last night. I didn't get too drunk though so maybe that's why. Or because he's given Alex the responsibility to make sure I don't slip into a depression. Zack still has his concerns about me being with Alex but he has given his blessing and support.

I showered and dressed quickly then Alex and I made our way downstairs to the dining room for lunch. We were the last to arrive. All of mine and Rae’s closest friends and family were sitting at the table, which now include Rian and Cassadee. This was the first time we’ve ever all been together for a meal so this is bound to get interesting. Especially since last night was full of insane things happening in dark corners. A room full of tipsy people in masks was a ticket to the crazy town. Let’s see what events people bring up. I just hope I don’t have to bring up the fact that Landon was there during lunch, I wish I could keep it a secret forever but I won’t do that to Rae. We’ve never had a secret between us and I’m not about to keep one now.

“You’re seriously wearing sweats to lunch?” Rae asked in a mocking disgusted tone. I didn’t feel like getting dressed so I put on a pair of Victoria Secrets sweat pants and a tank top.

I rolled my eyes. “I didn’t know there was a dress code little misses tiara wearer.”

“I’m the Queen of the world so shut up and sit down.” Rae said in a prissy tone.

“More like queen of getting on my nerve.” I shot back playfully. Everyone laughed at our banter. Cassadee looked confused at first but soon caught on that we were just playing around and became amused.

“Well now that everyone is here, I just wanted to thank you all for making my birthday extra special and for making my dream birthday pretty damn epic. This has been the best birthday ever. I wanted this group of people at this lunch because most of you have been there for me through all the good and bad times and the other half just have come into my life and I know will become my best friends. I’m entirely thankful for every single one of you, without you guys I wouldn’t be here today, so I am grateful to have you in my life.” Rae started to get teary eyed, though I know she won’t let those tears fall because she just doesn’t cry. It takes something pretty big to get her to cry unless she’s watching a TV show then she gets emotionally invested and will bawl like a baby.

“Well you have one thing right; your party was pretty epic.” Scarlett snickered. “An epic slutville. You have no idea how much sexual things happened at your party.”

“What are you talking about? People were really having sex at my party? Like in the ballroom?” Rae asked in a mix of disgust and intrigue.

“I’m not sure about actual penis in vagina sex, but I do know that someone at this table got a blowjob at one of the tables.” Briana smirked. She looked over at Zack whose face was red as a tomato. “I caught Lena coming out from under the table. She claimed that she dropped her phone, but I know for a fact that we all left our phones in your suite last night.”

“Zachary Steven Merrick!” Rae gasped. “I am telling your mother!”

Everyone at the table let out a big “oh!” and a lot of laughter. I wish I could just be calm and have fun but Landon’s words haunted me. He said that Jack must not know Rae as well as him or else Jack wouldn’t want to be with her. I know what he’s talking about and it scares me that Jack will find out and think differently of Rae. I know he’d never judge her, but it could cause a rift in their new relationship. Then there is the selfish part of me that is thinking of her own secrets. What will happen when Alex finds out about all the skeletons in my closet? Will he leave me or think any differently of me? Will he judge me? This is exactly why I didn’t want to get involved with anyone. I have way too much baggage to pile onto a person. And not all of my secrets are as easy to look past as an abusive past relationship. I did some pretty bad things. Rae did some pretty bad things. Will our pasts come to bite us in the ass soon?

I felt someone squeeze knee bringing me out of my thoughts. I looked up and saw Alex looking at me concerned. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m still tired.” I lied.

“Well I am innocent. The idea of public sex gives me anxiety.” I heard Ali say.

“I believe you.” Rae smiled. “So Lena gave Zack a blowjob. Candace made out with Carson which is gross to think about since she is my cousin. Any other secrets I should know about?”

“Lisa tried to crash your party.” Rian informed us.

“Yeah, me and Rian were going to umm, anyways she was with some girl in the lobby. I was going to go say hi to her, but her and the other girl started to argue with a guy so I didn’t approach her until the guy was gone. After that they just left so I never got to talk to her.” Cassadee explained further.

“What guy? What girl? How the hell did she even know about my party?” Rae spouted out questions.

I couldn’t breathe; I could feel my lungs collapsing on me. My heart was racing and my chest felt heavy. Not only was Landon at the party but Lisa too? That can’t be a coincidence. Why can’t they just leave us alone? And now I am starting to second guess my decision to date Alex. If Lisa was going to be pulling this shit then I need to get out now. I can’t take the drama nor can I let myself get hurt. For years my best friends have been taking care of me and protecting me, it’s about time I start protecting them. I can’t let a person hurt my best friend just to hurt me. I looked up at Cassadee and Rian, “This guy did he have dark, sort of long hair?”

“Um, yeah he did. And had a pierced lip.” Rian nodded. “Why? Do you know him?”

“Lo? You would have told me if he were there right? Tell me that description is just coincidental.” Rae rambled worriedly.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to ruin your party.” I tried to apologize and reason with her.

“You had no right. If someone was going to ruin my party I had a right to know so I could kick their ass myself.” Rae raised her voice at me.

“I had every right! You were just going on and on about how the was the best birthday you ever had and if I had told you about that asshole being there then your perfect birthday would have been ruined and we both know it.” I yelled back at her. I stood up, the chair squeaking on the tile. “I’m out of here.”

“I’ll come with you.” Alex went to stand up but I put my hand on his shoulder so he would sit back down. He gave me a confused look and I was about to hurt him.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t see you anymore.” The words stuck in my throat. I felt sick and I couldn’t bear to look at him. I ran out of the dining room as fast as I could. Tears were streaming down my face and I was choking back sobs as I made my way to the elevators. I pressed the button vigorously as I ignored Alex calling after me. I can’t be near him right now, my heart can’t take it.

The elevator doors finally opened and I got in but so did Alex. He stopped the doors from closing right before the closed. “Did you just break up with me?” he asked slightly out of breath.

“Yes I did and no I don’t want to talk about it. Just accept it because I just can’t talk about it or look at you.” I cried. Luckily we reach our floor and the doors open. I ran out of the elevator as fast as I could, but when I got to my room I realized that I didn’t have the key. Alex came up behind me and opened the door. As soon as we were safely inside our room he pushed me up against the wall, pinning me there. Normally this would turn me on, but the look in his eyes and the death grip his has on my arms was scaring me to death.

“You are not leaving me, I won’t let you.” he growled. “I love you dammit! I thought we were over all of the cold feet and doubts. We had an amazing night last night, hell we were fine a half hour ago! What the fuck happened?”

“I just can’t be with you.” I let out a sob. “There are too many secrets, too much for you to have to deal with. I don’t want you to know me; I am not a good person. You shouldn’t love me! I am toxic and I will always be toxic!”

“We all have a past, Lauren. I have things in my past that I don’t want you to know, but when the time is right I will let you know. And because I love you I won’t judge you because of your past mistakes or indiscretions.”

“Just leave me alone!” I sobbed as I tried to fight him off but he wouldn’t let go of me. There was a knock at the door so Alex finally let go of me. I slid to the floor, burying my face in my knees as I continued to sob. I heard the door open but didn’t bother to look up to see who it was.

“I don’t want to talk to her right now.” I heard Rae’s voice say angrily.

“I don’t give a fuck what you want, we are settling this shit.” Zack yelled at her. “Alex just give us some time please.”

“I can’t leave her until I get it through her head that I love her.” Alex said. I could hear him struggle for words. I didn’t have to look up to know that he is crying and that broke my heart.

“I will fix it, I promise you that. I just need ten minutes with them and everything will be better.” Zack promised, but there was nothing he could say for me to change my mind.

There was a long silent pause before Alex responded. “Okay.” I heard the door open and close once again.

“Rachel, you’ve got to let this go. So fucking what if Landon was at your party, it shouldn’t matter that we didn’t tell you.” Zack started to say before I stood up wiping my tears away angrily.

“He was going to ruin your relationship before it even got started. I wasn’t going to let that happen to two of my best friends.” I yelled at her. “I’ve watched you ruin your life with Landon over and over. I’ve watched Jack pine after you for years but settled for friends with benefits because it’s what worked for you both. I saw you both so happy when he asked you to be his girlfriend, I wasn’t going to let Landon ruin that for either of you nor was I going to let you get dragged back into his hell hole.”

“I’m not the same girl that let him trick me into his bed. You should have let me show him that he can’t hurt me anymore. Or that he can’t seduce me anymore. He has no power over me.” she spat back spitefully.

“Oh that is bullshit and we know it! You are weak when it comes to him but I can’t judge because I am weak when it comes to Blake too. But you would have broken Jack’s heart before your relationship got a chance to start. Landon wants to tell him your dirty little secret. I know you don’t want Jack to know that so you’d end it. Which is why I had to end it with Alex before he can find out the rest of my secrets.” There was a lump in my throat that wouldn’t go away. All I could do was cry.

“Both of you just stop!” Zack yelled. “You both have made poor choices, but those choices don’t define who you are now. You both are weak when it comes to those idiot boys, but you have to realize that you guys were single and stupid when you’d let those assholes get to you. You’re in relationships now, you have stable guys in your lives that will make you stronger and not give into temptation. Not saying you need a man in your life to be strong because you don’t. You both are incredibly strong women, but you don’t give yourselves enough credit. You just see yourselves as weak and you break.”

“Lo is right though.” Rae sighed. “What guy will want to be a girl who was an escort? I get Jack is the biggest pervert in the world and will fuck any girl who will let him, but what I did was different. I have all the money in the world at my disposal yet I let guys pay me to have sex or to even go out on a date. I was a whore, literally.”

“Jack isn’t going to judge you for that or for the times you stole your dad’s prescription pads to get pills. How many times do I have to tell you that your past doesn’t define you?” Zack stressed. After Rae found out that Landon had been cheating on her for two years and having to take care of Scarlett, she just snapped. She couldn’t handle the pain of a broken heart and feeling like a horrible sister even though Scarlett was well by then, it was still too much. She started stealing her dad’s prescription pads and foraging his signature to get pills so she could get high. Now you see why we say we are damaged girls who feel like we shouldn’t be loved?

“I am not that girl who did those things but it will always define me. People will always see that pill popping hooker when they look at me.” Rae sighed.

“Do you see Scarlett as that druggie who she was?” Rae shook her head. “Do you see Lo as the suicidal girl who lost her baby?” once again Rae shook her head.

“But the real question is if you didn’t know who I was and you found out that I was in an abusive relationship, that I tried to kill myself and traumatized two of my best friends when they found me in a pool of blood, that because I was in a mental hospital for suicide that I lost custody of my child and it hurts to look at her because I am a horrible mother and ever since I got better that I haven’t tried to be a better mom instead I just work and party?” I yelled at Zack through my tears.

You heard right, I have a daughter. When Blake ended our engagement to marry Melanie that’s when I started drowning myself in alcohol and hooking up with guys. I was extremely depressed. Then I found out I was pregnant and I had no idea what to do. I had no idea who the dad would be. I was careful to use condoms and was on birth control, but you know what they say, it’s not full proof. After I had Faith I was starting to get better but then Blake came back into my life and that’s when the attacks started. I went back into a huge state of depression and I tried to kill myself. Jack and Zack found me in the bathroom in a pool of my own blood. They found me in time and got me to the hospital where I was stitched up and put on psychiatric watch for seventy-two hours then put in a treatment center for depression. I ended up losing custody of Faith because I was unstable in the eyes of the court. Luckily for me the courts let my mom take custody of her. But it hurts to be around her since I feel like I failed her. I visit her as much as I can though, which is another reason that Briana moved in with my mom so she could help take care of Faith. Faith and Izzy are a year apart so it’s good for them to live together.

“I see where you’re coming from, Lo, but it should be up to Alex. I understand neither of you want to be hurt, but you’re hurting amazing guys just to save your own asses. Let them be the judge of what they want. I can guarantee you that they won’t leave you because of your skeletons.” Zack tried to reassure us.

Rae and I looked at each other, both of our faces were tear stained and eyes were red. “I’m sorry for getting mad at you.” Rae apologized and hugged me tightly.

“It’s okay.” I mumbled. “As much as I hate to admit it, Zack is right. We need to just let the guys decide.” I paused, looking over at Zack, “I can’t promise that I can come clean to Alex right now, but I can promise that I will apologize to him and stop all of my doubting. I don’t think Alex will want to be with me knowing about Faith, but I will give him a chance. He’s proven himself over and over that he is a good guy and that he loves me, so it’s the least I can do to leave the ball in his court.”

“I’ve struggled with myself over my feelings for Jack for a while and I really don’t want to ruin it. I love him and I have for years, but wouldn’t let myself love him or let him love me. Now that I finally have him I won’t let him go. Landon won’t ruin this for me.” Rae said confidently. I’ve never seen her so passionate about something before, I’m really proud of her. I just hope that we won’t live to regret our decisions.

We went to go back downstairs but were startled by Alex sitting in the hallway. He stood up immediately; he looked so worried and scared. I ran to him and hugged him, “I’m so sorry.” I mumbled into his chest.

He kissed my forehead and held me close. “It’s okay; just don’t ever do that again.”

“Promise.” I’m not sure if I can keep that promise, but I’m sure as hell going to try.