You Never Really Can Fix a Heart

We all just finished eating breakfast, and now I am standing in the doorway for my walk in closest, trying to find something to wear. We decided since it was the boy’s last night in town that we would have a small get together. Ali and Andy were coming; thankfully she’s over being star struck so she can party with the best of us. My older half-sister, Briana as well as my other brother Liam and his wife Savannah were coming. Rae’s younger sister, Scarlett and her boyfriend, Brent, and Rae’s cousin Derek were also coming. Then there was Candace, our crazy friend who works at a bar in town, she’s always the life of the party.

“Do you always stand half naked in your bedroom with the door open while there are boys in the house?” the sound of Alex’s voice made me jump. I turned around and saw him leaning up against my door frame with a smirk on his face.

“No, but I figured since every boy who is currently in my house have seen me naked that there was no need to reason to close my door. Plus I am in my bra and panties, which is equivalent to a bikini and I am not shy so yeah.” I shrugged then turned back to my closet. I pulled out a pair of black ripped jeans and a crop top that says ‘I <3 dance.’

“Zack has seen you naked? Aside from this morning?” he raised a curious eyebrow. I laughed at his jealous tone.

“Trust me, it wasn’t by choice. Just like this morning he walked in on me, thinking he’d find me in bed crying since it was a pretty bad time for me, but I was naked and he was scarred. You would think he’d learn to knock.” I laughed as I put on my pants.

“What does your tattoo say?” he asked. My eyes went wide because I really didn’t want to tell him.

“Which one?” I asked as I turned my back on him, putting on my shirt quickly.

“You have more than one?” he questioned as I turned around.

“Yeah I have five.” I smiled at him.

“Awesome, but I was talking about the one under your boob. I don’t know how I didn’t notice it last night.” He told me.

“How about we pretend you forget you saw it now.” I tried to walk past him but he wrapped his arm around my waist and wouldn’t let me pass.

“Tell me. Please.” He whispered. His breath on my neck sent shivers down my spine. I really need to get away from him, I know I told Zack and Rae I would try and let my walls down, but everything in me is telling me to run for the hills. But before I could even try and fight him, his lips were on my neck. I lost all my senses at this point. All I wanted was for him to never stop kissing me.

“You play dirty.” I breathed out.

“Is it working?” he smiled against my neck.

“You’re so lucky I have a thing for bad boys.” I said pushing him away slightly so I could attach my lips to his. Our lips moved together in a passionate kiss. This guy really knows how to work his lips. His kisses always leave me breathless and weak at the knees. I pulled away and looked up at him, “it says, love yourself so no one has to.”

A smirk formed on his lips and his eyes lit up. “If you didn’t like me, then why do you have my lyrics permanently apart of your body?”

“Just because I didn’t like you doesn’t mean that I couldn’t like your lyrics.” I pointed out. “And if I’m being honest, the first time I heard you play this song live and you gave this speech, in that moment I stopped hating you. I tried so hard to hate you though.”

Now he looked shocked, I’m not entirely sure why though. “How did that speech make you stop hating me?”

“Every day is a struggle for me, I may have amazing friends and a pretty decent family, I may have my dream job and this beautiful house thanks to Rae’s family, but it doesn’t take away the memories and the pain that I have went through. There is still a lot you don’t know about me and in time you’ll know. But for now just know that your speech has helped me so much, to embrace being happy and not letting things get to me. So I guess when I saw you giving that speech and hearing the honesty in your voice and how passionate you got giving it, made me realize that you’re not that eighteen year old guy who was incredibly mean to me at that party.” I explained to him honestly.

“Wow.” He breathed out. “You would think that I would be used to hearing how me and my music have helped people stop cutting or whatever they are going through, but this is a first. How it made someone stop hating me AND helped get through a tough situation.”

I shrugged, “well you can be a very inspiring guy.” I told him as my phone started to ring. He let me go and I walked over to my vanity and saw that it was Zack’s mom calling. “Hey Ma.” I answered it with a smile.

“Hey sweetie how was your birthday?” she asked me. She was like a second mom to me growing up. My mom worked a lot since my dad left us and she had me and Briana to take care of. Liam lived with his dad in Florida so we only saw him on holidays and summer breaks.

“It was pretty eventful.” I looked over at Alex with a smirk. “Thanks for the necklace, it was beautiful.” She had given me a white gold necklace that has three birds sitting on a branch.

“I’m glad you like it. I saw it and immediately thought of you.” she told me making me smile brighter.

“How has everyone been? I’m sorry that I haven’t been over lately.” I sighed, I really do feel bad.

“We are all fine, so is your mother. Briana was over here earlier with the beautiful Izzy. She’s growing up so fast.” She sounded like a proud momma. Izzy is Briana’s four year old daughter. Izzy was the product of a one night stand and the guy wants nothing to do with Briana or Izzy, which is really sad. Briana took it really hard because we both know what it’s like to grow up without a dad.

“She really is.” I laughed. “I will probably be over tomorrow night since Liam is in town. We all should have dinner.”

“That would be lovely.” She said as Rae yelled from downstairs. “Lo, get your ass down here! Liam and Savannah are here!”

“I’ll be down in a minute!” I yelled back.

Carla laughed, “I better let you go. I’ll see you tomorrow sweetie. And tell that son of mine that he better stop by before going to the airport tomorrow.”

“I will. Love you.” I giggled. She said she loves me too then hung up.

“Your mom?” Alex asked with a smile.

“Nope.” I shook my head and he gave me a confused look since I answered my phone ‘ma.’ “It was Zack’s mom, but she was like a second mom to me growing up so I always call her Ma.”

“That’s sweet. I love his mom.” He nodded. “So who’s Liam?”

“My half-brother. I don’t get to see him much because he lives in Florida.” I told him as I started to look for shot glasses that I had gotten for my birthday. “Can you look for a box with wine glasses in that pile of presents over there?” I asked him as I put my hair up in a bun.

“Found them.” He announced as I walked out of my closet with the shot glasses.

“Ready to go met my brother?” I asked him with a wide smile. His eyes widened making me laugh. I just shook my head and motioned for him to follow me. “Liam!” I yelled as I stepped off the last stair.

“Hey little sister!” he smiled and hugged me tightly. “Who’s this guy?”

“Liam, Savannah, this is Alex. Alex, this is my brother Liam and his wife Savannah.” I introduced them.

Alex waved nervously as Liam looked at me questionably. “Is this the Alex?”

“Uh yeah.” I scratched the back of my neck. “But don’t worry, all is forgiven and we aren’t going to attack him. We are going to party and have fun.”

“Don’t look so scared, dude. We won’t bite…much.” Savannah laughed.

“Don’t mind her, she’s a bit crazy. But you have to be crazy to be around of this circle, and I know you know how to be crazy. Just be yourself, you’ll fit right in.” I told Alex.

“Penis party!” Jack yelled as he came running down the stairs.

“Jack, your dick better be in your pants!” I yelled.

“You ruin all of my fun, Lo!” he grumbled.

“Oh boo.” I said in a baby voice then saw Zack come into the room. “Your mom said you better stop by before going to the airport.” I told him and he nodded.

“Let’s go down to the basement. I already told everyone to just come in when they get here.” Rae said. We had our basement converted into a huge party area. There is a built in bar and we have a huge pit couch and built in bunk beds in one wall for when people sleep over we have the extra room even though we have two guest rooms, well one since Zack basically took over one of them. It’s amazing.

Soon enough everyone was here and the party was in full force. The music was blaring through the speakers and the alcohol was flowing through our systems. And somehow we ended up sitting in a circle on the couch playing never have I ever. We were really learning a lot of shit about each other, but no one anticipated this innocent drunken game turning into a fight.

“Never have I ever…ummm…had sex in a closet.” Ali said. Everyone looked at each other to see if anyone was going to take a shot and only two people did. Me and Jack. This caused people to look at us suspiciously.

“Is that a coincidence?” Alex asked curiously. I felt like I was going to puke and it wasn’t from the alcohol, it was from my past coming to bite me in the ass. Zack looked at me sadly because he knew that this party was about to blow up.

“Uh, I would like to say yes, but it’s not.” I answered him then looked down at my lap. I didn’t want to see the look on Rae’s face.

“What the fuck are you saying? Because I know damn well that you didn’t have sex in a closet when you lost your virginity.” Rae snarled.

“Rachel!” Zack scolded her.

“No, it’s okay, she has a right to be angry.” I told him. “But I really don’t see why she is when she knows that he has sex with girls all the time and she’s had sex with other guys. You’re not together!” I yelled at her. I didn’t mean what I said, but the alcohol is giving me serious word vomit. I know that what I did was wrong, because she is my best friend and we aren’t supposed to have sex with guys that the other has. Its girl code right?

She gasps and climbs over Scarlett so she is out of the pit couch. “I can’t believe you just said that. You knew how I felt about him, so why would you go and have sex with him? You’re such a bitch, Lo.”

“I didn’t know that you liked him that way at the time!” I defend myself. “And it’s not like I had an ongoing affair with the guy! It was one damn time and you don’t even know why I let it happen!”

“That’s why you’re always wanting to see her naked huh? Why you’re always joking about fucking her? And kissing her?” she yelled at Jack now, ignoring what I had just said. This fight sure is sobering people up.

“I’m a guy, Rae; I hit on anyone with boobs. Sometimes even a dick, ask Alex, I hit on him all the time. Hell I’ve been jokingly hitting on Candace all night. ” Jack tried to make light of the situation but it wasn’t working.

“Hey, don’t bring me into this argument! Plus we all know that you’re not my type buddy.” Candace stuck her tongue out at him. It’s true he’s not her type, because her type is anything with boobs and a vagina. But that doesn’t stop Jack from always flirting with her, but we all know that he’s just joking with her and Candice being the crazy girl she is always pretends to flirt back. It’s pretty harmless.

“You’re such a dick. I can’t believe I even like you.” Rae yelled as tears started to roll down her cheeks. That’s when Zack and Scarlett got up and went over to her, while Derek glared at Jack. “I can’t believe you of all people would go behind my back and hook up with him. I never would think of hooking up with anyone that you had.” She’s talking to me now. I felt bad that I hurt her, but she doesn’t even know the situation.

“I have to go to the bathroom.” Alex mumbled and quickly left the room.

“What’s his deal?” Liam asked confused. I just shrugged and looked over at Jack to see if he had any idea.

“He’s probably pissed at me.” Jack sighed. “He likes Lo, obviously, and I’ve came in between him and a girl before.”

“Oh so you’re thinking of having a little love affair with Lo?” Rae asked sarcastically.

“Oh my god! I didn’t fucking say that! Don’t put words into my mouth!” Jack yelled as he jumped up.

“Yeah Rae, just calm down and let me explain.” I said calmly.

“Explain what?” she snorted. “That you had sex in a fucking closet with Jack and never told me?”

“I’m sorry! I know I fucked up, but it was two years almost three years ago! You were back with Landon at the time.”

“Yeah for like a week until I came to my senses!” she cut me off. “Fuck you, Lo. I can’t stand looking at you right now.” she said then stormed out of the basement.

“Whelp this just got awkward.” Briana laughed. Liam laughed also but hit her on the shoulder.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to cause trouble.” Ali apologized.

“It’s not your fault, honey. You didn’t know, and I should have told her long ago.” I rubbed her arm.

“Should we go?” Savannah asked.

“No, stay. I’ll talk to her and things will be okay.” I sighed then stood up. “Should I talk to Alex too? I really don’t know why he would get so upset when he just met me.”

“Because I fucked a girl he was dating or whatever and she ditched him to be with me. I didn’t want to be with her, hell I didn’t even really like her, it was a drunken mistake. We obviously talked it out and we are still best friends, but I think it’s still in the back of his mind that it could happen again.” Jack explained.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Can you tell him to meet me in my room in fifteen minutes? I need to talk to Rae and explain that it’s not what she thinks.”

“Of course.” Jack hugged me then left the room.

“Don’t give me that look, Zack.” I glared at him.

“Hey, I kept your secret even though I told you that this would happen. I’m not judging you because I know why you did it, but I told you that you should have told her.” He smiled weakly.

“I don’t want her to hate me.” I cried as he hugged me.

“She won’t.” he reassured me then kissed the side of my head.

I sighed again then went upstairs to her room. “Rae, can I come in?” I said as I knocked on her bedroom door.

“Go away!” she growled. I ignored her though and walked in. Thankfully she didn’t lock me out. “What part of go away don’t you understand?”

“The part where I am your best friend and you’re hurting and I’m supposed to comfort you. I know I am the cause, but you have to listen to my side of the story.” I pleaded with her.

“Nothing you can say can change what you did.” She snapped at me.

“I know you’re mad at me, you have every right to be. But I really am sorry for not telling you, it was the wrong thing to do.”

“No the wrong thing was fucking him!” she yelled, finally looking up at me. Tears welled up in my eyes because I hate fighting with my best friend. “No you don’t get to cry! You fucked up, so the only one that gets to cry is me!”

“I am trying to be nice but don’t fucking tell me that I am not allowed to cry! I hurt my best friend and she won’t let me fucking explain, so yes I have every right to cry right now!” I yelled at her.

“Whatever.” She rolled her eyes.

“It happened right after I found Blake with Melanie.” I paused. Melanie was one of my friends, well at the time. She’s also the one who ruined my engagement. Yes, I was engaged to Blake, well up until I found him in bed with Melanie. And who happened to be engaged to him also. “When I went to stay with Liam in Florida, I was a complete mess. You remember; I nearly killed myself. Liam called Zack but he was doing an interview so he sent over Jack. He was trying his hardest to cheer me up and to keep me from going any further than I already had. I don’t even know how it happened but somehow we just ended up stripping each other’s clothes off and you know the rest. I felt bad for using Jack to forget my pain and for having sex with someone you were hooking up with. But it just happened; he was just trying to make me feel better. It wasn’t like we just set out to have sex. I didn’t mean for it happen and I will always be sorry and trying to make up for it.” I broke down in a sobbing cry.

“Oh my god.” I heard Rae whisper. “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled at you.” I felt her wrap her arms around me.

“It’s okay, you were mad at me. I understand.” I hiccupped.

“But I should have just asked what happened and not jumped to conclusions. I know that you wouldn’t intentionally hurt me like that.” She said as she cried.

“Can you ever forgive me?” I looked up at her. My vision was blurry from all the tears in my eyes.

“Of course I can. You’re more than just my best friend, you are my sister. We live together and are bound to fight; it’s not the first time and won’t be the last. But at the end of the day, you are a part of my life and I will never let you leave it.” she hugged me.

“Thank you. I’ll do anything to make it up to you.” I said wiping my face with the back of my hand.

“Just don’t have sex with him again. And do what we talked about this morning; try to let your walls down. Alex may have just met you, but I can tell that he really likes you. His eyes never left you the entire night.” She told me with a smile.

“Speaking of Alex, I should go talk to him.” I scrunched up my nose.

“You do that, and I’ll go apologize to Jack.” She nodded. We gave each other one last hug before going our separate ways.

When I walked into my room, I half expected to not even see Alex, but he was there. He was sitting on my bed looking through a photo album. “Admiring my work?” I startled him.

“You took these?” he asked me.

“I did, it’s my job.” I shrugged as I walked further into my room and sat across from him on my bed.

“They are amazing.” He told me.

“Thanks.” I blushed. “Look I’m sorry for what happened. And if you think that I am in any way interested in Jack, then you’re dead wrong. I know I lost my virginity to him and had sex with him again, but neither occasion was because I wanted to be with him. Both times were just him comforting me in the only way he knew how, with sex.”

“You really don’t have to explain. I don’t know why it affected me so much. We barely know each other, but even so I know that I like you. I like you a lot, probably more than I should.” He let out a nervous laugh.

“I like you more than I should too.” I smiled brightly. I felt my cheeks heat up, I’m sure I’m blushing more than I was a minute ago. “And I know I don’t have to explain but I want to. I can’t get into all the gory details because that’s not a story I want to get into right now. If you know then you’d probably run for the hills. I just want you to know that you have nothing to worry about. I don’t want Jack. And I really want to get to know you better.”

“I like that idea. And I hope one day that you’ll trust me enough to tell me more of your story. You intrigue me, Lauren.” He leaned over and kissed me softly on the lips. “I wish I didn’t have to leave tomorrow.”

“Me either. But the fun part about being a photographer is that I sometimes have to come out to LA for photo shoots, so I can always visit. Plus there’s a lovely thing called video chatting.” I scrunched my nose up like a bunny and smiled.

“We go on tour soon, that means less time to talk.” He pointed out.

“I’ll go to every show that I can, and if I get time off then I’ll come stay with you for a few days. I can even take pictures for you. Kill two birds with one stone.” I climbed onto his lap and wrapped my arms around his neck. “We can make it work if that’s what you want.”

“Is it what you want? Jack said that you have a relationship phobia ever since Blake, and I don’t want to push you into anything you’re not ready for.” His voice was so vulnerable and it made my heart melt.

“Rae and I promised Zack that we would at least try to pull down our walls and give relationships a chance so that’s what I am doing. I’m not going to sit here and lie and say that I’m not scared because I am. I don’t want to get hurt again. I am an emotionally damaged girl, so are you ready to take on that baggage?” I asked him.

“I knew the minute I met you in the pet store that there was something about you and I wanted you in my life. I could tell in your eyes that you had some deep rooted issues, if you look hard enough you can see the sadness in your eyes. I want to show you that love can be special and everlasting. I want to make you feel special. So yes I am ready for whatever baggage you have and I want to make this work, whatever this is.” He said honestly.

I leaned in and kissed him with every ounce of passion in my body. My heart started to race, and I’m not sure if it’s because I feel myself starting to break down walls and I want to be with Alex, or if it’s because my conscience is telling me to run for the hills. Either way I am enjoying being in Alex’s presence. I am scared shitless about being with Alex, I am totally not ready for a relationship, or to let him in. But something inside me tells me that I can trust him. I just hope that I am not wrong about him and get hurt all over again.