You Never Really Can Fix a Heart

It’s been four days since the whole debacle with Lisa and Alex. He’s called me countless times and left me a few voicemails but I haven’t listened to any of them. Rae told me that Zack is worried about me but he has only called me once, he knows not to hound me. But I still haven’t spoken to him either; it’s not that I am mad at him still or anything. Hell I wasn’t mad at him at all; I just took my frustrations out on him because I couldn’t deal with talking to Alex. I know that makes me sound like a horrible person, but I know at the end of the day that Zack will always be family and if I talked to Alex then he would most likely make up some big apology and get me to forgive him and it’ll be just like Blake. He hurt me, he apologized, I would forgive him and then he’d hurt me all over again. It was an endless cycle and I didn’t want to go back to that again.

But I did promise everyone that I wouldn’t cut again, so I do what do best when I don’t want to deal with my pain. I numb it with alcohol and that usually entails random hook ups. I’ve been drunk for three days and had sex with two different guys. I’m not proud of my actions, but it’s what I know how to do to mask my pain. Eventually I will confront my demons, but it’s not the time right now. Liam says I should go see my therapist before things escalate any further, but I’ve convinced him that I have everything under control. At least that’s what I have convinced myself. Today he, Savannah and the kids are leaving town and I hate that fact.

“Morning.” I said as I walked into the kitchen. Rae, Liam, Savannah, Briana and the kids were all sitting at the table.

“Try afternoon, sleepyhead.” Savannah laughed. I just rolled my eyes and got a cup of coffee.

“Auntie Lo, when are you going to come visit us?” Amy, my brother’s middle child asked me as I sat down next to her at the table.

“Amy,” Savannah scolded her. “You know that Auntie is a busy person.”

“It’s okay.” I smiled. “I’ll try to visit soon. I might have to go to Florida soon for work.”

“Can I speak to you for a minute, Lo?” Liam asked me. I nodded and we walked out of the kitchen and went to the living room and sat down. “I need you to promise me that you will stop all of this nonsense. I can’t handle seeing you spiral downward again. It’s scaring the crap out of me. You need to find a better outlet for your pain and frustrations. Your photography is obviously not enough anymore.”

“It hasn’t been for a while. Ever since I made it my career, it just seems like it’s an obligation not something I used to do for fun when I needed to clear my head.” I sighed and leaned my head against the back of the couch.

“Maybe you should go back to dance. You used to love it, until Blake made you quit.” He pointed out. He was right, dance used to be my world next to photography. But Blake hated that guys were in my class and would hit on me. He forced me to quit dance, I fought him over it but he obviously won. That was the first time I knew that I was in a bad relationship. It was the first time Blake hit me.

“I’ll think about it, because I do miss it.” I told him honestly.

“Good, because I really don’t want to lose my baby sister.” He said reaching over and pulling me into his arms.

“I’m not going anywhere.” I hugged him tightly.

After that we went back to the kitchen and finished lunch. I had to go to a photo-shoot right after that so I had to hurry and get ready for it. The photo-shoot took me about four hours so finish so I decided that I was going to go out once again. I know I promised to find another outlet but I don’t see how dancing is going to help. When I was a teenager my biggest problem was getting bullied and never feeling pretty or good enough. Guys really didn’t give me a second glance at school, my dad left and I was having a hard time with that, my brother decided he’d rather live with his dad and my sister had more problems than I did. So when I danced it made me feel important. I was the best in my class and I was really good at it. The girls envied me, and the guys actually talked to me. I felt worthy in that room, on that stage so it was my outlet to not self-harming or any other bad things. But right now all I wanted was to forget the pain, and to forget Alex. Even if it was just a few hours. The alcohol made me forget and the sex got out my frustrations. So for now this had to be my outlet.

I made myself believe that what I was doing was okay, and that I wasn’t doing any harm. That nothing bad could happen by just drowning in alcohol and one night stands. It wasn’t until a week and a half after my brother left that I found out how horribly wrong I was. Something bad could happen, and something bad did happen.

I came home late yesterday afternoon and overheard Rae talking on the phone about how worried she is about me and how I’m wasting away. I’m drowning in my own pain with alcohol. I was so annoyed that everyone is so concerned about my wellbeing. Yes I know that I’m only hurting myself in the long run, but this is my life, my mistakes. I hate that everyone feels the need to pause their own lives to worry about me. To you this may not seem rational, but in my brain it does. So what do I do? I go get dressed in a skimpy outfit, call a cab and leave to the bar.

“Can I buy you a drink?” the guy that that has been sitting next to me at the bar asked.

“Long Island Iced Tea please.” I smiled at him. Hey the guy is sexy as hell, so let the party begin.

“So why is a pretty girl like you here all alone?” he asked me as Candice gave us our drinks. She gave me her ‘be careful’ look like she always does, I just smiled and nodded at her.

“I would love to tell you some juicy story, but I’m not drunk enough to make something up. So I’ll tell you it’s because I’m feeding a broken heart.” I smirked at him then took a drink.

“Well that asshole’s mistake is my gain.” He winked at me. We flirted over drinks for a while before we took our flirtation to the dance floor. He continued to buy me drinks as we just danced the night away. After a while I started to feel the alcohol take over my body and I forgot about everything. I pretended that nothing else but me, this guy who I learned was named Mark, and this dance floor.

We were dancing to some Britney Spears song when Mark started kissing my neck. I leaned my head back so it was resting on his shoulder as our bodies continued to move to the beat of the music. I was getting more turned on by the second. “Let’s get out of here.” I whispered in his ear.

“Okay, let me go tell my buddies then we’ll get out of here.” He said before kissing my lips. I don’t know if it was the alcohol in my system mixed with being extremely horny right now or if this guy really is an amazing kisser. Either way I’m ready for the after part festivities.

“Lauren, I don’t think this is such a good idea.” Candice told me when I went over to the bar to get my jacket.

“I’m fine.” I slurred.

“No you’re not!” she snapped. “I’ve never seen you like this, you never get this drunk.”

“I’m not drunk.” I stumbled over my own feet.

“I’m calling Rae, you’re not leaving this bar when you’re this shitfaced.” She said and turned to make the call.

I rolled my eyes. “Neither of you are my mother so kindly butt the fuck out!” I yelled. By that time Mark was back and we left the bar.

Once we were back at Mark’s apartment, clothes were flying everywhere. I felt like I was in another world. You know how people describe themselves being in this utopia? Well that’s where I feel like I am right now. Mark’s lips on mine, his hands roaming my body, it was amazing. My body was tingling with desire. I’ve never felt this way before. I wanted more of it. Even though everything in my head is telling me that something was terribly wrong, I decided with my body and shut my brain off.

We were naked before we even got to the bedroom. When we got to his bedroom he pushed me down onto his bed making me squeal. Mark’s eyes were dark with desire as he crawled on top of me. He slid one hand down my body and it settled on my thigh, he picked it up and guided it to his waist. His hand wondered to my lower back, pressing our pelvises together. I could feel his hardened dick against me, making me more excited. I needed him more than I needed anything in my entire life.

“I need you, please.” I breathed out as I arched my back to get even closer to him. Mark leaned down kissed my lips before sitting up on his knees. I looked at him confused, why did he stop? He stood up and walked over to his dresser and pulled something out of his drawer.

“Here take this. It’ll make this so much better for you.” he told me as he handed me a pill.

“I don’t want to take anything.” I shook my head.

“You already have, so it shouldn’t make a difference.” He shrugged. He drugged me already? That’s why I felt funny at the club. But once again my body took over my brain. I took the pill and after a little more making out and touching I felt like I was in wonderland. His hands caressing my body made my body burn. As he kissed down my body I felt myself get wetter. “I’m going to make you feel so good.” His voice was husky.

“You already are, baby.” I let out a moan as he bit my shoulder. Without any warning he pushed himself inside me. Our sweaty bodies moved together in a euphoric pleasure. I was on cloud nine by the time we both reach our orgasms.

“Wow, that was amazing.” I panted as Mark rolled off of me.

“That it was, sweetheart. Want to feel even better?” he looked over at me with a smirk on his face.

“Yes!” I squealed. I don’t remember anything past him getting up and telling me to follow him. Not until I woke up tonight, a whole day later; at least I think it was only a day, in a place I don’t recognize.

Rae’s POV:
“I already told you she left Friday night after she got home from work and it’s now Monday morning and I have no idea where she is. She never came home and that’s not like her!” I yelled into my phone.

I called Zack because I’m worried about Lo, she never came home Friday night nor has she been home all weekend. I was hoping she would at least call. Normally I would have been on the phone with the police but I thought she was just mad at us for trying to coddle her after this whole Alex and Lisa fiasco. But it’s not like Lo to not at least call someone. And she never stays over at her hook up’s places. She always comes home, if it’s not here then to her mom’s, but no one has heard from her. I called Candice and she said that Lo left the bar with some creepy guy and tried to stop her but Lo was acting weird and took off anyways.

“Then call the cops! She’s a missing person!” he snapped. I know he didn’t mean to, that he’s just as worried as I am.

“She’s twenty-one what are they going to really do? If she was a tame girl then maybe they would do something. But let’s be realistic, she’s a party girl.”

“She’s also a girl who has been in the hospital before for trying to kill herself. That counts as a priority to me. She could be lying in a ditch somewhere!” he yelled.

My phone beeped so I told Zack to hold on while I answered it. “Hello?”

“Rachel, I have bad news.” I heard Olivia, Lo’s mom, say on the other line. My heart fell to my stomach at her tone. I could tell she was crying. I just pray that the next words to come out of her mouth aren’t ‘Lauren is dead.’

“What is it?” I sucked in a breath and held it.

“Laruen, she’s umm, she’s in the hospital.” She told me. That’s when I broke down, the tears came rushing out of my eyes like a river.

“Please tell me that she is going to make it. She didn’t try to kill herself again right?” I rambled.

“The police think it was an attack. She overdosed on different drugs and alcohol, but she wasn’t the only girl in the apartment they found them in. There’s a guy who has been drugging and raping girls, they think these two girls are his victims.” She explained.

“Oh my god.” I gasped. “I’ll be there soon; I have Zack on the other line so I will tell him.”

“Thank you.” she said before hanging up.

“Zack, please come home.” I sobbed.

“What happened?” he asked before I could get all the words out of my mouth.

“The cops found Lo, I’m not sure how bad it is, but she’s in the hospital.” I said tried to catch my breath from the sobbing.

“Fucking shit. Okay, I’ll be on the first flight out of here. I’ll bring Jack with me.” he told me. I was thankful they both were coming because I really needed them.

“Hurry.” Was all I said before hanging up and rushing out of the house and over to the hospital. The whole time I’m praying to myself that she pulls out of this. I cannot lose my best friend. It would kill me if I lost her.