You Never Really Can Fix a Heart

“What if she doesn’t wake up?” Briana sniffled.

“Don’t say that, Bri.” Liam snapped at her.

“Both of you calm down, the doctor said she will be perfectly fine. Your mom doesn’t need this added stress.” Savannah scolded them.

Why were they in my room? And why are they talking about me not waking up? I swear if it’s before noon I will kick all of their asses. I groaned and let my eyes flutter open; I had to squint because the light was so bright. “Can you guys please shut the hell up?” I grumbled.

“Oh thank god!” Liam gasped as he practically jumped on top of me. He hugged me close to his chest as he cried on my shoulder. Mind you, the only time I’ve ever seen my brother cry was when Lydia, Amy and Jacob were born. So why was he crying now? I looked over at my sister who was hugging my mom, that’s when I realized that I wasn’t in my room, I was in the hospital.

“Why am I in the hospital?” my voice was shaky because I was scared to death. I have no relocation of how I ended up here.

“You don’t remember?” Liam asked me curiously. I shook my head; he turned to look at my mom like he didn’t know what to do.

“What’s the last thing you remember sweetie?” my mom asked me.

I looked around the room trying to remember the last thing I remember. “When I had to take Zack, Jack and Alex to the airport.”

“That was three weeks ago.” Liam whispered next to me. What the fuck? I’m missing three weeks of my life? What the hell happened to me?

“Is anyone going to tell me what happened?” I asked frustrated.

“I think it’s best if you don’t remember this honey.” My mom said.

“Like hell, if I’m missing three weeks of my life I want to know what happened to me!” the monitor started beeping out of control and a couple of nurses came running into my room.

“Is she okay?” Briana asked worriedly.

“Yeah, she’s fine. Her heart rate just increased a little too much. Keep her calm, please. I’ll let the doctor know that she’s awake.” One of the nurses said and the both left the room.

“We almost lost you; it scared the crap out of everyone. No one knows the details; all we know was there was an excessive amount of drugs and alcohol in your system.” Liam explained to me, tears still cascading down his cheeks.

“Hey, I’m fine.” I said softly. Briana came over and sat on the other side of me, tears streaming down her cheeks as well.

“But we almost lost you, again. I didn’t think it could be any worse than the last time, but it was. You were in a coma for four days! We didn’t know if you were going to wake up.” She cried.

“I told you to find another outlet, you promised that you would! Now look, you’re in the hospital again. I can’t take much more, Lauren.” Liam confessed. I winced when he said my name because he never says my full name, only when he’s mad at me.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered as tears welled up in my own eyes.

“All that matters is that you’re okay.” Savannah said. I looked up and smile at her. I thank the lord all the time that my brother married her; I love that girl to death.

“Savannah is right; we can’t dwell on what happened. Lauren is alive and well, we need to count our blessings.” My mom said.

The doctor came in and asked me a few questions. I asked him if he could tell me what happened and he just told me what Liam said, and that it’s best if I remembered in my own time. Because it might be worse if I was told and tried to force myself to remember. But he did recommend that I see my therapist, I really don’t want to but he might be right. It’s sort of long overdue to see her. Before he left he said that I would be discharged in the morning.

“Where is Rae?” I asked after the doctor left the room.

“Oh they only let family in while you were unconscious. But her, Zack, Jack, Rian and Alex have been here every day for the past four days. Actually I’m pretty sure that Alex hasn’t left.” Liam told me. “I’ll go get them.”

“Alex really hasn’t left?” I asked no one in particular, I was just really curious.

“Really.” Briana nodded. “At first I thought it was creepy, but it’s actually pretty adorable. When they all got here, he was almost as much a wreck as Zack and Jack were. His eyes were puffy and red from crying. That boy really cares about you girl. He would leave, we kept telling him to go to your house and get some sleep but he refused. He’s been sleeping on those really uncomfortable chairs in the waiting room.”

“The only reason Rae left was because she had to go take care of the dogs. Jack wouldn’t let her go alone so he went with her and Zack has went over to check on the kids for us since his mom is watching them for us. And Rian has been trying to keep them all sane.” Savannah finished explaining.

I don’t know why the fact that Alex hasn’t left the hospital made my heart swell. And why was he crying? We haven’t been talking for very long, so why would me being in the hospital be that upsetting to him? I am glad that he’s here though, it shows that he means what he promised, that he would make things work between us no matter what. I just hope he doesn’t screw me over, I couldn’t handle it.

The door opened quickly and it banged against the wall, causing me to jump. Rae came rushing in, Liam jumped off the bed before she could push him off. “I’m so happy that you’re awake. I couldn’t take it if I lost you.” she sobbed into my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around her and rubbed her back.

“I told you that I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” I said quietly.

“You better not; you are the center of my world. I’d be lost without you.” Zack told me as he sat at the foot of the bed and rubbed my legs.

“Yeah I don’t know how you keep all these losers together. It’s hard work.” Rian joked making me laugh. That’s why I love that dude; he always keeps things on a happy note.

“It is hard work; I should get paid for it.” I laughed again. I looked over and saw Jack and Alex cowering in the corner. “What’s wrong Jack attack? I’m not going to break.”

“I just hate seeing you in here again. The memories still haunt me.” he told me. I sighed, I felt bad that he still hasn’t shaken those memories. I never wanted him to see me the way he did that time.

“I’m sorry. Come give me a hug, it’ll make us both feel better.” I persuaded him. He got a big smile on his face and came over and hugged me, after Rae moved over that is.

“No more hospitals.” He mumbled. “I don’t think any of us can take it if it happens again.”

“I promise, no more hospitals.” I kissed his forehead. Alex still hasn’t said a word, and I could see that his eyes were glossy from his tears. “I hate to do this but can everyone please leave.”

“What? Why?” Zack’s head snapped toward me with a confused expression.

“I need to speak to Alex, alone.” I told him. Now it was Alex’s turn to look at me confused. Everyone looked over at Alex who looked at everyone like he was about to be attacked by lions. I should be worried by their reactions, but right now I don’t care. All I care about is finding out what’s wrong with Alex.

“Okay, we’ll go get some food and be back soon.” My mom said and everyone started filing out of the room.

“Wh-what did you need to talk about?” he asked nervously, not moving from his spot. I wonder why he’s so afraid of me; I thought we were getting along so well.

“I’m not going to bite.” I joked. But he barely even smirked at me. “It’s okay to cry if you need to.” He just shrugged and wiped his eyes, trying to hide the fact that he had been crying. “Well to answer your question, I wanted to talk about why you’re here. We barely know each other, so why are you so worried about me?”

He was quiet for a while, just standing there looking at the floor. At first I thought he was ignoring me or thinking about what to say, but then I saw his shoulders shaking. That’s when I knew he was crying. He still didn’t speak though. the next thing I know is he’s sitting next to me on the bed with his arms around me and head buried in my chest, sobbing. I was taken back for a moment because I didn’t expect for him to do this. After I composed myself I wrapped my arm around him and rubbed his back soothingly. “Shh, I’m okay.” I whispered.

“But you may not have been okay.” He choked out between sobs.

I was going to tell him that I am fine so don’t worry so much, but then his words sank in. this is much more than me being in the hospital. Anyone who is a fan of All Time Low knows about Alex’s brother, Tom, he’s scared for me. I don’t know what happened in that moment but it’s the first time that I realized the severity of my actions. I always knew how much I hurt everyone when I swallowed those pills and slit my wrists, but this is the first time I let it sink in and I felt that pain I put them through. We’ve all experienced death in one way or another, but we had time to process those deaths, none of them were suicide. So I brushed it off because they didn’t lose me, so their tears never made me see how bad it actually was, how much pain they were in. But seeing Alex this distraught over almost losing another person in his life this way, it finally hit home.

“When I heard that you were in hospital, I panicked. I thought it was all my fault.” He continues to sob into my chest. He was clinging to me like a child does to their parent after a nightmare. It was breaking my heart.

“Why would it be your fault?” I questioned curiously. His body tensed up and I knew he said something that Liam probably told him not to.

He sat up and gave me an apologetic look. “We had a fight and I just got scared that I lead you to try and…” he trailed off, not wanting to say the words.

“I’m so sorry that I dredged up those painful memories for you.” I said grabbing his hand and holding it.

“It’s not your fault, you didn’t do this on purpose.” Once again he said something he wasn’t supposed to making his slap his own forehead.

“I won’t tell on you.” I poked his arm. “And I promise that I won’t ask questions so you won’t get into any more trouble.”

“Thanks.” He smiled weakly.

“I know this is a sore topic, but you can talk to me about Tom. Or you can just lay here with me and cry if you need to. I’m probably the last person you want to do that with considering I tried to kill myself at one point in my life, but I am your friend so I’m here for you.” I told him.

“I miss him every day.” He sniffed. “Can I ask you a question?”

“You can always ask me anything.” I replied.

“You don’t have to answer, but what made you, ummm, do what you did?” he asked as he scratched the back to his neck nervously.

I sighed, not really knowing how to answer this question. I don’t want to make this situation worse, because I know I was just trying to take the easy way out. But how do I expect him to open up to me, if I won’t return the favor? “You know how bad things were with Blake, I told you a bit of the story.” He nodded. “It all was just too much for me to handle. I tried to erase him from my memory, erase all the abuse he inflicted on me, and erase walking in on him and Melanie having sex on his couch. I just wanted it all to go away, the pain was too much. I saw a therapist and she gave me a prescription for my depression. At first I didn’t take them because I didn’t want to be that person to numb everything, I didn’t want to feel nothing, I just wanted to forget. But at the same time there was this piece of me that still loved him, and still wanted to fight for him. I used Jack a couple times to try and forget Blake’s touch. I thought if I had sex with Jack then I would only feel him, but even that didn’t work and I felt like a horrible person for doing that to Rae. Then I found out I was pregnant, with Blake’s baby. I thought this is what would get him back. A baby would bring him back to me and everything would be fine, he would love me and not abuse me anymore.” I started to sob.

Alex pulled me into his arms, rubbing my back to comfort me. “Shh, you don’t have to finish.” He said as he pressed his lips to my temple.

“But I have to; I need you to understand why I am the way that I am.” I choked on my sobs.

“Just take your time, don’t force yourself.” He whispered.

I squeezed my eyes shut and took a breath before continuing. “But the baby didn’t solve a damn thing. When I told him I was pregnant, he told me that he was engaged to Melanie and he wanted nothing to do with me. Everyone told me that I didn’t need him, that I could have this baby on my own. Zack was more than willing to help me with everything that I needed. He wanted to take care of us.” I smiled at the memory. “Even though I didn’t get Blake to choose me, I was over the moon to be pregnant. I may have been barely nineteen years old, but I really wanted the baby. I guess my mindset at the time was at least this baby would love me. I was near the end of the first trimester when I lost the baby. And of course that wasn’t bad enough, when I told Blake what happened he made it worse. At first he was all ‘life goes on’ then hung up on me. I cried for an hour when he called back and told me I was a baby killer and I disgust him then hung up again. It felt like he had just stabbed me in the heart, I didn’t know how to take the pain. Rae had been out that night and told me she probably wouldn’t be home. I hadn’t known that Zack and Jack were back in town, I thought you guys had a few more days on tour but they wanted to surprise us. When they showed up at my house it brought me back to a good place. I was okay for awhile.” I trailed off once again. I looked away from Alex because I really didn’t want to get into the next part of my story.

“I told you already that you don’t have to finish.” He said as he wiped away a few stray tears.

“I know, but I know you need some sort of closure or understanding to what happened with Tom.” I took a deep breath, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat but failed. “Anyways, I used my fake id to get into bars and clubs and got drunk to blow off some steam. Then something happened, something I’m not ready to talk about and I got super depressed and I had no idea how depressed I really was, so one day I just snapped, I had been at my mom’s and Briana said I needed to see my therapist but I said I was fine I went home and took out the bottle of prescription pills and took them, silt my wrists and laid down on the bathroom floor. I woke up the following day in the hospital. Jack and Zack found me in time, but were scarred from the gruesome scene. As for me, I vowed to never be in a relationship again. I gave up on love, thought it didn’t exist. So I just started hooking up with guys, just a series of one night stands. That way I could never get hurt again.”

By the end of my story I was sobbing uncontrollably into Alex’s chest. He moved so he was lying on the bed with me, and just held me as I cried. It was the first time I ever told that story. Everyone who is in my life was there when it happened, except for Ali, but she found out things from experience. Run ins with Blake and Melanie that exploded. But she never asked questions, she just told me that if I ever needed someone to talk to that she was there. It was exhilarating finally getting that off my chest. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

“I’m glad you told me that story.” Alex said as he squeezed me. “And I want you to know that no matter what happens you are the only girl I want to be with. Whenever you’re ready, I am here and I always will be.”

I looked up at him with tears still in my eyes and smiled. He wiped away the tears with this thumb and tucked my hair behind my ear. “I don’t believe in love, but something tells me to give you a chance. My feelings for you scare me. I don’t want to get hurt again; I don’t want to be in that dark place again.”

“I won’t ever hurt you, I promise.” His voice was full of honesty.

I leaned up and kissed him softly on the lips. “Take a nap with me, please? All this crying has made me tired.”

“I won’t leave your side.” He promised. I smiled at him and snuggled into his chest. I felt him kiss the top of my head before I fell into a blissful sleep.