Dying to Be Happy

After I spilled the beans to mom, everything changed. I had never had a voice like that before. I'd been keeping everything so bottled up, and I guess it all just exploded like that. I was sick of being treated like a kid, and I wasn't going to accept that any longer.

I turned thirteen that September. Ms. Janyce took me out for my birthday, and it honestly was the happiest moment I had had in a long time. When I opened up the small gift she got me, there was a note attached to it. It said, "This is your guardian angel. It's a reminder for whenever you're feeling low, your angel will be right there with you." With the note was a necklace with a small charm of an angel. It was such a small small thing, but it meant the world to me. I never took it off. Ever. Even if someone tried to make me, it didn't come off. Ms. Janyce was everything to me. I loved her so much... Too much... So much that it made me hurt. Kinda like how I felt with Ms. Jewel, but stronger. I never knew loving someone could... hurt this much.

The depression got worse, and so did my attachment to Janyce. She was the only one I could trust. She was the only one I wanted to be around, because she was the only person that understood me.

As the depression grew bigger, I grew smaller. I didn't know what a breakdown meant... Until one day.

Me, my dad, Jayce, my stepmom, and little sister, Sadie, went out too look at Christmas lights one cold December night. That was the night that my life took a turn for the worst. As always, my sister was being a brat, and my brother and I had had enough of it. And we were barely teenagers- so of course we weren't going to tolerate it. After Jayce and I had told Sadie to be quiet and move so many times, my dad lost it:

"CAN'T THE TWO OF YOU BOTH JUST SHUT UP?!" Sadie was crying, and Jayce and I just sat still- not moving a muscle or saying one world.
" YOU KNOW WHAT?! WE'RE GOING HOME," my dad yelled, "I'M SICK AND TIRED OF ALL THIS BITCHING AND MOANING THAT YOU TWO DO. IM SICK OF IT.!!!!!!!!" Daddy was past mad. Past angry. My stepmom, Julia, tried to calm him down, but Daddy was losing it. He drove us home so fast, I don't know how he didn't get a ticket. We all walked through the door, silently, and we heard doors slam and cuss words under his breath. Jayce and I just looked at Julia, but she had nothing to say.

I went to my room, and I started crying softly. I hated it when Daddy got mad, but especially at me. Why couldn't he see that I was the good child? Sadie was always rude to me. And I know she's two, but Dad and Julia never disciplined her enough, so she was such a brat!!

While I was drowning in my thoughts and tears, my bedroom door slammed open.
"NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME," Dad growled, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU, BUT I RAISED YOU BETTER THAN THAT. I DIDN'T RAISE JAYCE TO BE THE DUMBASS THAT HE IS, BUT YOU KNOW BETTER. YOU KNOW THAT YOU HAVE TO HAVE RESPECT." I was still crying softly, and it was too hard to say anything.
"But Daddy, I-"
"I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT JADE. I'M JUST SO SICK OF ALL THE BITCHING AND MOANING. BE HAPPY I DON'T CALL YOUR MOTHER AND TELL HER TO TAKE YOUR CELLPHONE." At that, he slammed the door and went to scream at Jayce.

I sat on my bed, shaking. I was so afraid of Dad when he lost his temper. The depression and anxiety started chewing at me... gnawing me to somehow get rid of this internal pain. I was hurting so bad. I wanted Ms. Janyce. I wanted to go home. I didn't wanna stay with Daddy anymore. Everyone in his house hated me, and I hated being there.

I tried to stop crying and shaking, but I couldn't. I just wanted the pain to go away. I then had this idea come into my head that I had heard people at school talk about.... but the very idea of it scared me. So i tried to push it away, but it wouldn't leave my head. Something forcefully made me walk over to my dresser and open up my jewelry box full of bobby pins. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my eyes glisten with wet tears. Still shaking, I picked up a bobby pin... brought it to the skin on my wrists.... and lightly scraped it. I stopped instantly. [What am I doing!? I can't do this... This has to stop now!!] I thought as I tried to put down the bobby pin. But something kept asking for more... I scraped my soft skin until I saw blood rise to the surface, but then I stopped. I put the bobby pin back.. laid down on the bed.... looked at my wrist... and told myself that I would never stoop that low again.

I guess that's what they mean when they say you're lying to yourself.