Heartaches Knocking on Her Door

[Los Angeles]

Liv watched as her therapists eyes lingered upon her black suitcase, black coat draped overtop, next to her feet. She shuffled uncomfortably from where she sat across the ebony skinned woman.

The therapist, wearing a grey pantsuit, placed her hands over the small notepad she had been writing in during the start of the session, switching her eyes back to Liv as she sensed her restlessness. "Do you have another work trip?"

Liv crossed her legs. She was dressed in travel attire, black leggings, an oversized black nirvana t-shirt, a light wash jean jacket, black Dr. Martens, and her hair in two braids that spilled over her shoulders and down her chest. She had told herself a few years back when she had returned to therapy that she would never miss a session, and although she had her flight to Helsinki in three hours, here she was, diligently attending the session. It was her first since the news of the gig however, and although she’d come to be very open with her therapist, the subject still made her uncomfortable. She uncrossed her legs. “I do yes, in Finland.”

The therapist adjusted her cat-eye glasses, making a note, the soft sound of pencil on paper filling the otherwise quiet office. “Finland?” The womans calm eyes looked up at Liv questioningly. “Is this the first time you are returning to Finland since your last encounter with the singer?”

Liv looked down at her hands, trying not to bite down on her lower lip. “It is. I uh, I’m actually going there to work with him, and the rest of his band.”

The sounds of writing echoed again as the therapist continued her note-taking. “How are you feeling about returning there, and re-connecting with him?”

Liv let out a small sigh, looking up into the dark browns of her therapists eyes. “It’s strange, I don’t feel this worrying dread I felt the last time I was there, nor am I scared to talk to him. I even called him first. It’s almost like, like I’m relieved.”

The therapist tucked a curl out of her eyes, raising an inquisitive brow. “Relieved?”

Liv shuffled in her seat, the leather couch squeaking beneath her. “Yeah. It’s like, I’m happy that there can be this normalcy, and that,” She paused, trying to find the right words to describe exactly how she’d been feeling since the phone call with Ville, “it’s like I’m happy that we’ve moved on enough that we can talk like, like, well maybe not old friends, but at least like colleagues, that we can hold a normal conversation.”

The therapist nodded her head slightly before leaning forward, her elbows resting on her knees. “Liv, it is very mature and thoughtful of you to feel that way. Not many people achieve that level of personal growth enough to ever accept talking or seeing their ex, especially a first love. I’d like to ask though, what exactly is it about being able to reconnect as friends that makes you feel relieved? Have you been feeling anxious?”

Liv shook her head, interlacing her fingers on her lap. “No, I don’t think so. It’s more, it’s like that time in my life had its ups and downs, but it was really important for me, and through the years I’ve had to alienate those thoughts and memories because of what happened between Vi, the singer and myself, and now that I feel like we’re in good places, I guess I was relieved because now I can mentally return to that time, I can feel this wholeness again. Does that make sense?”

The therapist leaned back, “It does Liv, and the fact that you can recognize that, like I’ve noted, shows serious personal growth. I must say, I am really impressed with the level of personal reflection you have been discussing in our past few sessions.” Liv gave a small smile, she knew they both were aware how long it had taken her to get to that point. The therapist glanced at the thin silver watch on her wrist. “I know we only have a few more minutes, and as I can see, you need to be heading to the airport, but I’d like to ask, in the past you’ve described Finland and the singer as triggers for you, how do you plan on handling these triggers during the course of your time there?”

Shit, Liv thought, biting down on the soft skin of her lower lip, I hadn’t really thought of that. “Uhh, well, as we’ve talked about in the past I am quick to get emotional, so I guess if I am triggered I will take a few minutes to collect myself and my thoughts to make sure what I’m thinking and feeling is in fact rational?” She gave a small nervous chuckle and shrugged.

*****

[March 4th, 2017, Rovaniemi, Finland]

“You look absolutely ridiculous in that thing” Sirii chuckled as she tried to keep up with Liv as she pushed their airport trolley rapidly along towards the exit of the Rovaniemi airport where they had just touched down. The trolley was loaded up with their personal suitcases along with all of Liv’s photography equipment.

Liv rolled her eyes, “It’s the dead of winter here, I refuse to become a Liv popsicle!” Her small frame looked comically twice its size in the large black parka she had purchased in preparation for the weather in Lapland. She’d been warned by Seppo that she should come prepared, and that any shots of the band outside had to be done thoughtfully, lest they freeze in the outfits that had been picked out for them.

Sirii laughed, “You Americans, I guess your winters aren’t as bad?” Sirii herself wore her usually puffy black jacket, a large grey knitted scarf around her neck, pixie haircut poking out in all directions. Slung over her shoulder was a small black backpack.

“Yeah..no.” She said curtly, her mind too focused on racing to the exit of the building where their ride to the cabin awaited. Their flight had been delayed by half an hour due to turbulence, and with terrible cell phone service in the area they had been unable to warn their whoever was picking them up that they would be late. Sirii was struggling to keep up with the speedy pace.

Finally they spotted the exit and raced out. Outside the sky was light grey with cloud coverage, the kind of clouds heavy with snow. Around the front of the airport were the slushy and dirty remains of heavy snowfall but in the distance Liv could see the deep layers of pristine white covering nearby trees. Clutching the trolley she stood on her tippy toes, black Dr. Martens protecting her feet from the slush, and searched around for the beat up red van she had been told would be picking them up.

Her eyes caught the movement of a waving hand. Attached to that hand was a familiar frame. “Mige!” She yelled, unable to help herself. Leaving the trolley and Sirii Liv raced across the salted walkway towards him. He waited for her, arms outstretched. He wore a green parka and black pants, beard as wild as ever, head covered beneath an orange beanie. She practically knocked him over as she ran into his arms, enveloping him in a bear hug.

His chest rumbled, and belly shook as he let out a deep chortle. “Aww zombie fucker, I missed you!”
Liv pulled back, playful punching him in the gut, “I am never going to live that down am I!” She put her hands on her hips with mock annoyance, cheeks flushed from the cold.
Mige shrugged, cheeks swelling with a smile, “Nope!”

Liv rolled her eyes, “Great!” She noticed puffs of condensation escaping her mouth as she spoke, man it really is freezing out here. She felt the sting on her bare hands and quickly tucked them into her pockets. With her elbow she gave Mige a nudge, “How the heck have you been?”

He stepped to the back of the van as Sirii approached with the overloaded trolley and opened up the doors. “Oh you know, same old. A little excited to start working on some side projects I’ve got lined up once our tour is done. Excited to work with you again!” He began grabbing items off the trolley and carefully tucking them in to the back of the van.

Liv smiled, throwing an arm around Sirii, “I am too. Speaking of work, this is Sirii my wonderful assistant and partner.”

Mige put the last of the items in to the back and shut the van doors with a loud thud and stretched out his hand for Mige to shake. “Wonderful to meet you, you can call me Mige.”

Sirii tried containing her smile as she gave Mige a quick and firm shake, a little too speechless to respond.

Mige rolled back the side door of the van ceremoniously. "Your carriage awaits ladies."
Liv bowed, smirking, "Why thank you kind sir." She beckoned Sirii to go in first then quickly shuffled in behind her, praying the van had heating.

Inside was the musky smell of a well used vehicle, the heat making a low and welcoming hum. In the driver's seat sat a man that looked to be in his thirties, his long curly hair spilling over his shoulders, mingling with the full beard masking half his face. He smiled at Liv and Sirii through the rearview mirror.

Mige slammed the door shut and buckled his seatbelt before turning to look back at the girls as the van pulled off the curb. "Ladies, this is Kosmo our wonderful drummer and driver and baker. Kosmo, this is the lovely Liv and her assistant Sirii."

"Hei" He stuck out one hand in a quick wave before focusing on the road ahead, merging on to a small highway.

Mige leaned back, getting comfortable for the long drive, Liv followed his lead, unzipping her parka and stretching out her legs. She stole a glance at Sirii who began digging in her purse for something. "I didn't know you two would be the ones picking us up."

Mige scratched his beard, "oh yeah, Kosmo has family up here. Actually the cabin Seppo found belongs to his family, so he's familiar with the uh terrain."

"From the pictures Seppo sent it looks really beautiful. This is going to a fun shoot, fun but cold." She cracked a smile as she rubbed her hands together, trying to get rid of the tingle in her fingertips from the sudden change from cold to hot.

"I brought up some whiskey and kaakao, what you Americans call hot chocolate." Kosmo smiled as he carefully steered the wheel through the thick slush on the road.

They'd now turned on to a quieter winding road, no buildings in sight, just the road ahead and lush forest closing in from both sides. Liv gazed out of the fogged up car window in the little spot she had wiped condensation away. The scenery along the road was like a scene right out of a christmas card, the beautiful evergreens standing tall against the pale skies, snow enveloping each tree in white sprinkles, as if it had been painted on. She again beamed to herself with excitement at the prospect of such beautiful scenery as her backdrop for the shoot.

The rest of the car ride was spent in comfortable silence and it wasn't long before the van came to a stop.

Liv rubbed the window with her sleeve and beamed as she looked out. They'd parked in a small driveway in front of the most idealistic cabin Liv had ever seen. It was one of those cabins you could imagine seeing on TV, built of logs, two stories, small stairs leading up to a little covered patio. A little door but large windows peering back from behind the blanket of snow covering the entire scene. On either side, like guard towers were two large evergreens, practically ready to be strung up with lights and ornaments in their wintery glory.

The two men were quick to hop out of the van, their boots crunching on the fresh, untrodden snow.

Liv pulled back the door and slid out, pulling the hood of her parka over her head, completely awestruck by the scenery. Don’t see this in California, she smiled to herself before hurrying to the back of the van to help unload luggage and gear, her mind barely able to focus on the task at hand.

After a few phone calls with Seppo and a creative director with Metal Hammer her idea of a shoot in Lapland was greenlit, but the shoot and short interview had been turned into a feature length article focusing in depth on how the band felt about the break-up and subsequent final tour. She was also to focus on their down times and relationships with one another, their moments of peace and comradery, all done over the course of two days and one night. It would be the longest and most in depth interview and article they would ever participate in and although Liv was nervous at the idea of properly putting into words the life of her extraordinary friends, she was glad to be the one to tell their story.

"The rest of the guys are out grabbing supplies from town." Mige said as he unlocked the front door, carrying a few bundles of Livs photography equipment.

Everyone followed in behind them, each welcoming the comfortable warmth of the cabin. Inside was an assault of color, greens, blues, and reds on the curtains, throws, and furniture, eased by the warm mahogany of wooden accenting everywhere else. I could live out the rest of my days here, Liv thought as she rolled her suitcase past the large fireplace and towards the stairs where Mige said she would be sharing a room with Sirii.

Luggage was unloaded and photography equipment stowed away. Kosmo began preparing for some large feast in the kitchen, Siiri helping him delightfully as she chatted away, filling the silence of his shyness.

Liv and Mige had sat down at the dining room table, a large window looking out towards the forested backyard of the cabin, the glow of snow illuminating their tame game of chess. A small voice recorder sat on the table next to them, a small green light glowing from the side.

“I’ll miss the cramped tour buses hearing every little thing in the dead of night,” Mige let out a low rumble of laughter as he moved his pawn. “There’s something about being in a well known band though, fans expect the same sound and the same songs at every show.” He shrugged, a small sadness in his eyes. “And we’re old. Gas couldn’t handle things like he used to.”

Liv looked from Mige to the chessboard, “Do things feel different without him?” She made a threatening move on the board.

Mige scratched his beard, “Of course. We’re all like brothers at this point. Kosmo is great, we’ve known him for a while, but it’s not the same.” He rested his chin in his hand, pondering his next move, “Anyways, we’re old fucks, we want a change.” He smiled suddenly, and just like that Liv’s queen had fallen. “Check mate!” He smiled triumphantly.

She gave a sarcastic bow before her gaze trailed off out the window.

She focused back on Mige, “What’s your fondest memory over these twenty odd years of recording and touring?” She began re-setting the board, eyes occasionally darting back out the window.

Mige smiled to himself, eyes looking off, aglaze with memories. “Touring for Love Metal was an experience I’ll never forget. It was like, like the college days of being a band. We got up to so much shit, we drank so much shit, met so many people. And that was when we were really close with Bam. He actually asked about you when I bumped into him in Hells a few months ago. I told him about the breakup and he actually asked if you were gonna do any press for it. Then that got me thinking, and the rest is history!”

Liv’s mouth popped open with surprise. Bam set this up? Bam suggested I do this? She shook her head, closing her mouth, braids tossling side to side. “What?” That man is like, he’s like a twisted fairy god jackass.

Mige scratched the back of his head smirking, "Yeah Bam seems to just do that. I'm glad though," he reached out across the chessboard and lay his hand overtop of Livs, "I'm really happy you agreed to come, it means a lot to all of us. Anyways," he retreated his hand, "enough of that. Go, get out of here, go outside. You’ve been staring out that damn thing this whole time like a sex addict in a porn shop. You have plenty of time to interview me later, go out, enjoy the freezing woods!” Mige got up and tossed Liv her black parka which she’d draped over the back of the couch.

She caught it smirking, I do need to scout some spots for tomorrow. “You sure?”
Mige rolled his eyes, “Yeah yeah yeah, someone needs to make sure Kosmo and Sirii are actually getting stuff done in there and not just flirting.” He shot Liv a wink before disappearing in to the kitchen.

As soon as he was out of sight Liv quickly stood up and slipped on her coat, running over to her martens and digging in her carry on bag for her gloves. There was a back door near the dining room that led out to the serene scenery behind the cabin. As soon as Liv stepped out she could feel the cold as if it had penetrated right in to her bones, right okay so make sure the guys are well dressed. She shut the door behind her, gripping the railing of the back stairs and walking out into the thick snow. The snow was entirely undisturbed, glistening in the grey glow of day. A few towering trees peppered the backyard before condensing in to thicker woods. Her feet began leading her forward. They should be standing in a more secluded area, like a meadow, with the trees surrounding them, or a clearing. Around her was a peaceful quiet, only birds periodically chirping in excited melodies, and the crunch crunch crunch of her footsteps carving a path in the thick snow. She approached a drooping branch, heavy with snow and gave it a flick, watching as the snow slumped off on the ground in a heavy heap. She meandered onward, looking around as the trees began getting closer and closer until she saw it, a break in the woods and beyond it a small clearing.

“People have gotten lost and frozen out in these would you know.”

His deep, raspy voice sparked tingles of recognition that radiated throughout her body like a lightning strike in the sky. All at once it felt like he was saying everything he'd ever said to her, from You better not, to, bye, and every time he'd said her name in between. She let out a foggy breath. The last time I heard that voice I’d broken his heart, she closed her eyes briefly remember the agonizing voicemail he had left her. She’d listened to it many times that same year before finally deleting it on new years eve, determined to start her year afresh.

She didn’t shake. Her heart didn’t race. She didn’t brace herself for an onslaught of emotion. His voice didn’t rattle her to the core. She simply turned around, a hesitant smile on her lips.

Like his voice ignited the flame of recognition, so did setting eyes in him, after so long. An uncomfortable smile in the hospital, a sweat grin on stage, the confused and amazed eyes in that polaroid of him sitting on the tour bus steps. But also anger, words spitting out at her with poison.
He stood about three yards away, looking entirely comfortable in the snow. He looked exactly as he always did, a black hoodie under a black sports coat, hands tucked into the pockets, black jeans, black Dr. Martens, a black scarf wrapped around his neck, and a black beanie covering his long curls.

His cheeks were flushed from the cold, a small layer of hair on his chin and upper lip. He had a timid smile on his lips.

She pointed lightheartedly at the trail of her footprints in the snow, “I’ve got my own theseus type marker.”

Ville took a couple of steps forward. “Am I supposed to be the minotaur or the princess in this scenario?”

She tried gauging his reaction, trying to find something in his countenance that gave away what she really saw there, the expression of someone happy to see a friend. She gave a small shrug, “Depends, do you have cloven hooves I can’t see?”

A low chuckle range out of his lips, his smile catching in his eyes. He beckoned for her to follow him as he started to turn around, “Come, the rest of the guys are excited to see you.”

She strode forward, catching up with him and matching his slow pace. This is weird, she thought, remembering Marcus words. Weird but nice. Still a little uncomfortable being in his presence she made sure to keep some sort of distance as she walked next to him. “Did they send you out to fetch me?” She couldn’t meet his eyes, it was too intimate, so she looked down at the snow.

He interlaced his fingers behind his back, eyes mimicking hers as they fixated on the powdery snow beneath. "Knowing you'd make us be out here tomorrow, none of them wished to brave the cold now."

They reached the door and he held it open for her, standing far enough away so that when she stepped forward in to the warm confounds of the cabin, there was no chance she'd brush past him.

"Liv!" Linde had his elbow resting on Burtons shoulder as they stood behind the couch, glasses of whiskey in hand, chatting with Mige and Sirii.

Liv flashed a bright smile and dropped the hood off her head. "You guys don't look a day over 100!"
They both rolled their eyes and gave her warm half hugs.

Burton fiddled with his goatee, smirking. "You've come for our funeral then eh?"

Putting away her parka in a small closet Liv turned back to her old friends, heart swelling with happiness that she was trying to contain. "I suppose I am." She glanced over as a streak of motion caught her eye, Ville jokingly made the sign of the cross.

Kosmo peeked his head out of the kitchen, hair tied up in a bun, a large kitchen knife clutched in one hand, a plane green apron full of stains wrapped around him. "You can talk later, first we feast!"

***

His eyes briefly left the chessboard to rest on Liv. She sat, cross legged, back to the crackling fire, voice recorder resting in her outstretched hand as she chatted softly with Linde who sat in the loveseat nearest to her. On the couch sat Kosmo and Sirii, looking through the photographs Liv had taken during dinner. Burton read a book from the other loveseat, a glass of whiskey in his free hand. Across from Ville sat Mige, still pondering his next move.

It was strange, seeing her there, amongst his friends and colleagues in such a homey and domestic setting. It was strange because it was as if she’d always been there. It was as if time hadn’t passed, as if this scene could have happened four years ago. But in a way, it still felt very different.

Leading up to the day, helping the guys peruse the aisles of the grocery store, he'd wondered exactly how he'd react when he saw her. A phone call is one thing. Imagining how you'd react is one thing. But being there, in their physical presence, having your body inches from the body you'd held, caressed, comforted, pleasured, is a whole other story. The reaction is physical, instinctual, and no pre-thinking can change what will really happen once you see them again.

He’d spotted her in the trees, looking around with wonder, otherworldly, just as she’d always been. She was the same in that respect, ethereal and lively; a forest nymph, But as she’d turned around he spotted the difference. It was in her eyes, the slightest difference there. Something he hadn’t immediately been able to put his finger on, until he finally realized, the tragedy, it was gone. The pain he’d once seen in those beautiful eyes no longer shone through like a knife among diamonds. He’d thought he was crazy, to see something like this, something others would never spot, but it was there nonetheless. To him she would always be that tragically beautiful young woman carried away on a gurney that fate compelled him to speak with, however that person no longer existed, and that realization had shaken him. He’d kept a calm and collected contenance, but within he couldn’t help but be surprised. She was the same Liv, but then again, she wasn’t.

This is what he now pondered, stealing glances at her from across the room with curiosity, what changed?

Suddenly Mige’s booming voice broke through Ville’s reverie. “So Liv, is Sirii your work partner or your partner partner? Did you finally turn the tide?”

Liv gaped from her position on the floor, snickers coming from Burton, Linde raising a questioning brow, Kosmo and Sirii sharing a similar expression of embarrassment. Ville watched everyone's reactions with amusement.

“Well?” Linde laughed, sitting up straighter in his seat.

Liv threw up her hands with exasperation, “My work partner obviously! You guys!” She rolled her eyes.

Ville snickered to himself, remembering a night long ago of drinking games.

“She’s dating a model, why would she date me!” Sirii joked, getting up off the couch to hand Liv back her camera.

Oh.

Well of course she is.

He moved a piece on the board then shifted in his chair to face the room. “How did you two meet?” Is that inappropriate? A past love asking about a new one? It’s not wrong to show interest in her life though, we’re friends, right?

Liv switched the recorder off, shuffling uncomfortably where she sat, a small blush creeping across her cheeks. "We met at a photoshoot for a clothing line. It's not really the type of work I'm used to but it was a favor for a friend."

Models are on one or the other side of the spectrum. Either crazy or mellow. I wonder which her fellow is.

"Well you tell him to treat you right or else your big brothers will need to have a word with him." Mige growled jokingly before he quickly took Villes queen and stood up. "I think I'm going to get some beauty sleep. Kosmo, thank you for the wonderful reindeer stew."

Kosmo nodded as he too got up, waving goodnight to everyone. With the couch free Burton began preparing his bed. Linde quietly slipped out of the room for bed as Sirii took Livs hand and helped her up off the ground. The two women mumbled their goodnights.

He watched her go up the stairs, wondering when exactly she would be interviewing him, whether he was last on purpose.

"Luulen, että minun pitäisi päästä ulos makuuhuoneestasi? (I suppose I should get out of your bedroom?)" He said to Burton as he stood, the wooden chair creaking as he did so.

Burton smirked as he finished sliding a pillowcase over two couch pillows. "Ellet halua liittyä minuun (Unless you'd like to join me)"

Ville rolled his eyes and began to ascend the stairs, yelling out behind him, "En ole niin epätoivoinen lämmin sänkyyn! (I'm not that desperate for a warm bed!)"

From upstairs rang the muffled yell of Mige from his bedroom, "Älä ole huolissani, että olen täällä! (Don't worry, I'm here for that!)

***

He opened one eye, staring out the crack in his bedroom door and down the hall where the incessant snoring was coming from. He pulled the covers over his head, grumbling to himself before suddenly throwing them off. I should be used to this by now, he mused as he began putting on layers of clothing over his nightwear.

He pulled the door open with a creek and crept over to Mige and Kosmos room, unsure who's snoring was louder, and gently shut the door, hoping to spare the rest of the cabin his suffering. He tiptoed downstairs, trying not to wake Burton, and grabbed his coat, shuffling in the pockets for his Marlboros and a lighter as he made for the back patio. The only sound his soft breathing and the dying crackles of the fire in the hearth.

The freezing night assaulted him instantly as he slipped outside, quickly closing the door behind him.

"Can't sleep either?"

He jumped, scared half to death by her voice. He closed his eyes briefly, trying to slow his heart from the scare, before trying to see her in the dark.

She sat curled up, knees tucked up to her chest, on an outdoor couch, large blanket drowning her frame but for her face, a dim orange glow indicating a cigarette sticking from between her lips. "Sorry," she whispered with an amused voice.

He looked at the empty space beside her, unsure whether it was a good idea to be so close to her, what's there to be scared of, he thought, fingers fiddling with the lighter in his hands. He took a seat next to her, quickly lighting a cigarette to warm himself. "Why are you sitting in the dark?"

He realized he'd been uncomfortably leaning forward, so he sat back, trying to ease himself as he felt his fingers begin to numb.

[Music Recommendation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxrf4ZzzrA8 ]

Liv inhaled deeply, the sizzle of her cigarette making a low glow. "In LA there are too many lights. There's no darkness anymore in the world, except here."

He shook his head to himself, fighting a small smile pulling at the corner of his lips, she never ceases to surprise me. He stole a glance her way and their eyes locked for a brief moment in the glow of the shining moon as the clouds began to break. They looked away.

The silence rang heavy in the midnight air before Liv finally spoke. "Look I, I feel like I should apologize for the way I acted the last time we saw each other. It wasn’t fair to you. I should have expressed how I was feeling." She paused, looking out at the snow, taking a drag of her cigarette. "I uh, I realize now I did that a lot when we were together, keep my thoughts my own. I projected my insecurities a lot on to you during a time in my life when there was too much turmoil."

He sat, surprised, marlboro almost falling from his lips. He wanted to protest, to tell her there was no need for any of this now, but hearing it, really hearing it coming from her lips he realized he'd wanted this, this discussion, it was necessary, and it would be untruthful to say he hadn't thought of the exact words he'd express if he saw her again. It was the final stake in to the coffin of their love, and now it could be buried. "Thank you for saying that." He searched the words, wanting to say what he needed to. "Liv, I, I use to think about this, after you left, after the nebulous of anger dissipated. I thought hard, and more objectively than I had ever done before reflecting on past relationships, and yes you were insecure, and yes we were terrible at communicating with one another, but the truth dar.. Liv is that I was controlling. I wasn't myself, I was selfish, I tried telling you what to do, how to live your life, I tried telling you what you wanted. I thought perhaps I knew better I suppose, but I was wrong, terribly terribly wrong. We were toxic, and I do not blame you for leaving." He paused, focusing hard on the trees in the distance. "I shouldn't have asked you to stay." His words trailed off in a whisper, an incredible relief blooming within him at being able to say it, finally say it.

She fiddled with the end of her braid, thoughts behind her eyes. "You know, it took me a long time and therapy to realize that, everything you've said, and to even come to terms with it all." She let out a heavy sigh. Her words stung him. They hit the glued together shards of his heart because not only did she know exactly how he felt, tormented musings by candlelight in his personal studio, fingers growing rougher as they strummed his acoustic, the rhythm of his tears helping him grow. But he also hurt because he could only imagine what it had taken her. It was selfish, it was inappropriate, but he wanted to reach out and hold her, hold her as a twin heart that knows her sorrow. But he stopped himself, putting his cigarette out and lighting another, listening eagerly as Liv continued. "I'm grateful though."

"Every love lost teaches us something…" He whispered, watching the moonlight twinkling upon the snow, the words terribly inadequate but all he could manage in the moment, his mind drowning in memory.

Liv shook her head, shuffling her body so that her back leaned against the armrest, body facing Ville. "I don't think that's just it though. It teaches us about ourselves, at least, that's what I learned. You've loved and lost more than me, you'd know more." The smoke billowed around her as she exhaled. Her eyes panned over him quickly before unwrapping herself and throwing half the blanket over him, keeping her distance still.

He welcomed it, the warmth, the chill of night had begun to creep in to his bones. "It does, you're right. That's the takeaway, that's the last remnants of that dying star of love. Eventually their name doesn't pass through your mind. Eventually the happy memories stop plaguing you. Eventually you stop wondering how they are. And then suddenly you stop dreaming about them, and it's as if the only thing that remains of that relationship is what you've learned, taken away, and as you've said, what you've also learned about yourself."

Liv nodded silently beside him, fingers tucked mostly in to her sleeves, holding the cigarette to her lips.

Suddenly a flicker of light illuminated the sky in undulating streaks of greens, pinks, and yellows.

"Revontulet" Ville whispered with awe.

Liv stood, letting the blanket slip off of her shoulders so she could get a better view. She clutched at the railing of the small porch, her back to Ville as she stared upwards with wonder. A silence filled the air as they both sat, mesmerized by the natural phenomena, both minds digesting their conversation, the first open and honest one they'd ever had.

Liv turned around, she was shivering. "I should try and sleep." Ville watched as she grabbed hold of the doorknob but paused, twisting her body to face him. "Would you do it all over again?"

Would I? Would I torture myself and her like that again? Would I be accomplice to her and mine own breakdowns again? "That is a difficult question to answer." She has no idea, no idea at all how difficult. "I, I'm not sure. What I do know Liv is that moving on from what we had took everything from me. It was the most difficult thing I've ever had to go through, and although I did not spiral into drugs as I had in the past, I spiraled nonetheless. But I wouldn't be the man I am without it, without what we had, and without you." He flashed her a weak smile, hoping she would appreciate his vulnerable honesty, all of it. He shrugged, his heart feeling lighter and lighter as the northern lights danced across his features. "I like who I am now, and I like who you are now too. We're better for it."

She nodded, smiling to herself and gently pulled the door open, her frame disappearing behind the door before suddenly reappearing, glints of green bouncing off of her eyes. "Ville?"

"Hmm?"

"I like you too."