She's Not Afraid

We got 6 days off, and we were all excited to go home for a few days again. I needed some ‘me’ time and I really missed my parents.
The first night back, Jesy and I went and had family dinner and it was so much fun, and much needed. My parents have always been super supportive of my career choice and loved looking at all the pictures I’ve taken since the tour started. It was really nice just to spend time together with no interruptions. Like old times growing up before my overly talented cousin got thrown into a whirlwind of fame.
I spent pretty much all the free time I had with my family.
I also really missed my mom. We’ve always been super close so going so long without seeing her was hard for me. “I love all the tour videos too,” mom said, “You’re really good with film too love.” We were spending the day together, dad off at work, and I was showing her some of the unused footage I had on my laptop. “How are these boys? Are they nice?”
I nodded, “They’re lovely mom. They’re so welcoming.”
She nodded as she continued to slip through my folders. She was going through the pictures that were more personal. Like pictures of Jesy and I or group shots of me and the girls and with the lads as well. “You know, there’s a lot of you and this lad,” she said scrolling past a few of Liam and I. We’ve been known to take selfies when we (mostly me actually) were bored. Plus I had saved a bunch that Jeff had taken; pictures of the lads and the girls and I backstage, some (a lot) of Liam and I talking, laughing and what not. Nothing incriminating since, well, no one knew about our arrangement, but I still liked looking at them. There were also the ones Louis took at the beginning of tour when we went out to dinner.
“That’s Liam,” I explained. “He’s kind of like my best friend on this tour.”
My mother eyed me, “Just friends or friends.”
I couldn’t fight the heat that spread across my face. My mom and I were close, as I said, so she knew how I was with lads. It always bugged her that I refused to settle down with one person and was always asking me why I didn’t commit or bring anyone home for her and dad to meet. The last thing I wanted was for this moment to turn into one of those lectures, “Yes mom, he’s just a friend.”
I knew she wasn’t buying what I was selling her, but she let the subject drop for the rest of the day.
*****
We only had 2 days left in London and all I had planned to do was lie in my bed all day and enjoy the time off.
I’d successfully stayed in my pj’s all day, while Jesy was off doing Little Mix business so I had the house to myself. I was free to blast my music as loud as I wanted (not that Jes ever cared) as I washed all my clothes before I had to repack it all tomorrow.
I was singing my heart out to Jessie J’s “Who You Are” and dancing down the stairs to the laundry room when Liam called. “What are you doing? Bit loud where you are,” he laughed.
“Home,” I sighed to catch my breath a bit as I set my wash basket on the washer, “Just have the music on. What’s up?”
“Do you wanna go to dinner with a few of my friends tonight? Niall and Harry said they were coming too. You can invite Jesy and the girls too.”
“Sure, sounds cool. Where and what time?”
“Around 8? There’s this Italian place my friends and I always go too in the middle of the city.”
I nodded to myself as I started throwing things in the wash, “Cool, I’ll call Jes and see if she and the girls are in and I’ll call you back?”
“Sure.”
After we hung up, I finished loading my clothes in before I called Jesy. But she informed me that she and the girls had to go to some dinner with their management, so they were sitting this out. “So Little Mix is out,” I said to Liam when I called him back.
“Too bad. Next time I guess. Should I pick you up tonight?”
“I can drive, it’s no problem.”
“You’re on the way anyways, but it’s up to you.”
He was so cute when he was trying to be all nonchalant about things, “Liam,” I laughed softly, “If it’s really not any trouble, you can pick me up.”
“Awesome,” I could hear the smile in his voice, “I’ll pick you up around like, 7:30 then.”
“Sounds good. See you later.”
*****
I didn’t know what kind of place we were going to was, like casual or dressy so I just went with black Dickies, flats, and a lace crop top and a nice under shirt. I was confident that I looked dressy, yet casual so I was ready for whatever was thrown at me.
When Liam picked me up, I was even more confident in what I chose. He was in a gray t-shirt and black tight pants (not as tight as Harold’s, but no ones are). “You ready?”
I nodded, “Yeah.” After I stepped out and locked the door, Liam guided me to his truck, with his hand on my lower back. Seriously, the gentleman thing drove me mental. I couldn’t not focus on his hand at my back. HE EVEN OPENED THE CAR DOOR FOR ME!
“So,” he said once he got behind the wheel, “It’s just gonna be us. Harry and Niall are going to some club with Grimmy and my friends’ bailed last minute while I was on the way to get you.”
I shrugged, “That’s fine. Though I’m so giving Niall and Harry shit for ditching us.”
He chuckled, “Give them a good party and alcohol and they come running.”
“What about these ‘other friends,’ why’d they opt out?”
He shrugged, “Andy had some clothing line emergency or something, so they all went to help.”
“What,” I laughed, “You were too good to help?”
“Well I couldn’t cancel on you when I invited you could I?” he smirked. “Besides, I’m starving so…”
I just smirked at his answer and started messing around with his radio. When I finally settled on a station, I leaned back in my seat. We were quiet on the way to the restaurant and then it hit me that this could be like… a date. An unrecognizable feeling flowed through me at this thought. I’ve been on dates and stuff before, but with Liam it just felt like… well I don’t know.
I glanced over at him as these thoughts and feelings rolled through me. He was focused on the road, his thumbs twitching to the beat of the song playing. He looked like he hadn’t shaved in a few days and had a good 5 o’clock shadow going on which was really, really hot.
When he caught my stare he smirked and I, of course, blushed, “Why are you staring at me?” he chuckled.
I shrugged and turned back to the window, “You know, just living the dream. Going to dinner with a scruffy Liam Payne and all.”
“Scruffy?” he snorted.
“Yeah, that whole almost beard thing,” I explained. “It works for you.”
He gave me a sideways glance again, “You think?”
“Oh yeah,” I said a little too fast causing him to laugh again.
“Good to know.”
*****
We got a table in the back of the restaurant, as per usual with these people in my life. The food was amazing, point blank.
We got so much food and appetizers and wine! I couldn’t even tell you what we managed to talk about but there was a lot of laughing. I had been momentarily worried that this like… date would be awkward, but it wasn’t. It was like spending a somewhat intimate meal with someone I’ve known my whole life!
We got desert even though we were both overly full, but we really just didn’t want to leave. So we had cannolies and tiramisu layer cake… and more wine. We weren’t drunk, but we were well on our way if we kept it up.
We ended up practically closing the restaurant. We were basically the last to leave the place. Despite my arguments, Liam paid for our meal. With a few huffs, I finally accepted it, but told him I paid next time. He smiled, rolled his eyes and shook his head no. He was so annoying sometimes. “Okay, so it’s probably not a smart idea to drive,” I mused as we walked out into the crisp London night.
He threw his arm over my shoulder, pulling me into his side playfully, “No probably not. Let’s walk a bit yeah?”
I didn’t make comment. I was enjoying myself, with him. I stayed under his arm as we walked. I was surprised there weren’t any paps around, but it was a bit late and we’d managed to get into dinner without anyone batting an eye, so maybe we’d lucked out tonight.
I sighed contently, resting my head on Liam’s shoulder looking up into the night sky. It was pretty late so the London Eye was exceptionally bright against the dark backdrop. “You know,” I hummed into our silence, “I’ve lived in London for 3 years now, and pretty close to it nonetheless my whole life, but I’ve never actually been on the London Eye.
“You’re joking!” he scoffed.
“Nope.”
He dropped his arm from around me and grasped my hand, “Well come on then, we may be able to catch it before it closes.” I laughed as he practically dragged me down the street and around a few blocks until we were right in front of the giant fairest wheel. The guy was just about to close the gate to start the final ride when we ran up, “Sir wait!” Liam called out. We practically skidded to a stop right in front of him, “I know we’re cutting it close but can we jump on please?”
The man, who looked about in his late 40’s, eyed us for a moment before shrugged, “I guess not.” He led us over to reopen the gate, and open one of the egg shaped bubbles. We had it to ourselves, seeing as there weren’t any others vying for a ride, so we got the massive space, made for massive groups, just for us two. I pretended not to notice the wad of money Liam slipped the guy before he shut the door on us. I was too giddy for this ride to care really.
“You ready?” Liam asked coming to my side as I stood against the glass ready to take in the view.
“Yeah,” I stumbled a bit when the wheel started going, and Liam put a secure arm around my waist to steady me. “Thanks.” He just smiled in response. We started to creep higher and higher at a moderately slow pace. The higher we got the more I could see of the city, twinkling in the night. “You know, no matter where I travel in my life,” I said, “I don’t think I’ll find a more beautiful landscape than right here at home.” I pressed a hand to the glass.
He hummed, “I know what you mean. I think the more I’m away from the UK, the more I love and miss it.”
We enjoyed the rest of the ride with little comment. I wondered around the bubble to look out over different directions of the city.
We were stopped at the top when I finally made it back to Liam’s side, “I can’t believe I’ve never been on this. It’s like… so un-British of me. It’s like hating tea or refusing to watch footie.”
He snorted a laugh, “I think there are probably people who don’t like watching football.”
“Oh, loads, but they still watch,” I pointed to myself with a smirk.
“Jazmin!” he said with fake shock, “I can’t believe you don’t like football!”
I shrugged, “Watching someone kick a ball into a net is a bore.” I smirked, “But I will admit, I love watching fit football players.”
His hands came to my waist and squeezed lightly, “Football players huh?”
I shrugged, “Football, rugby, boy band members,” I nudged his chest, “just fit lads in general.”
His face was closer to mine now, I could feel his breath on my face. The way his was looking into my eyes was setting off all kind of alarm bells in my mind but I ignored them. Liam knew what we were, one amazing night wouldn’t change anything, and he knew that.
Plus we were on the London Eye, and wine running through my system. It was an intoxicating mix. So when he brought his lips to mine, I didn’t object. I didn’t pull away when he kept his lips moving at a slow, agonizing pace, and I didn’t stop him from holding onto me as he descended back to the ground.
*****
We ended up back at his house. Naked, in his bed, one of my new favorite places I’ve decided. We were rolling around in his sheets and after everything; the dinner, the Eye, I was so turned on by him I never wanted to stop. I rolled him onto his back and grabbed the condom out of his hand, tearing it with my teeth before I rolled it onto him carefully.
Right when I was positioning myself over him, he grabbed at my hips, pausing me in my actions. He smirked and shook his head before he flipped ups over. With one hand, he held mine above my head while his other was still at my hip as he put himself in position. “Hey,” he said causing me to look up at him. When our eyes locked he chose that moment to sink into me. I moaned at the friction between us, and he paused as I adjusted around him. I tried to move my hands but he shook his head, “nope,” he said against my lips before he snaked his tongue in against mine.
He started moving then, but at an agonizingly slow pace. He started kissing down my neck and chest, hitting all the right spots he knew to hit. But he was still moving too slow for my liking. I lifted my hips up into his and gowned. He came back up and rested his forehead against mine, looking uncomfortably deep into my eyes, “Stop,” he said in this unbelievably unfair throaty whisper, “Just enjoy it Jaz.”
There was this nagging thought in the back of my mind telling me this was such a bad idea. But even though he was rocking slow, it felt so good. It was different than anything I’ve ever done and I was terrified, but at the same time I was intrigued.
When I nodded, he smiled before pressing a slow kiss to my lips. He let go of my hands so he could use his forearm to hold his wait above me. His other hand was still against my hip though, holding me back from thrusting back into him I think.
My hands instantly found their way to his check, his back, his hops, his hair. They were all over him. I was intoxicated by Liam.
Waves of pleasure shot through me as he slowly rocked his hips against mine.
*****
I woke up sometime later with a start. I was naked and pressed firmly against Liam. I could see dawn creeping up and everything from last night came rushing back.
Hushed whispers, soft caresses, nibbles, slow kisses. We didn’t have sex last night. No, Liam made love to me.
A cold sweat ran through me at that though. I let him get to close. Last night shouldn’t have happened, this wasn’t what we were about.
I looked up to the sleeping boy who held me in his arms as he slept. He looked so content to be pressed up against me. My heart pulled as I thought about what happened last night. I couldn’t do this to him, he deserved a lot better.
Something needed to change.
I slowly rolled over out of his grasp, making sure not to wake him, before I crawled out of the bed. I grabbed all my clothes that were strewn across his bedroom floor and pulled them on haphazardly. I couldn’t find my lacy crop top, but I couldn’t waste more time trying to find it; risk him waking up.
With one final look at the boy who’d probably hate me once he woke up, I slipped out of the room and out of his house.
I walked a few blocks, letting the frustrated tears fall as I tried to make sense of the last 12 hours, but there was no sense in what I let happen. I was an idiot and probably just hurt the only person I’ve ever cared enough about not to hurt.