She's Not Afraid

Liam called.

And texted.

And called some more.

It started about from about an hour after I left his house until the morning I was headed to the airport. I couldn’t bring myself to answer the phone though. I didn’t even want to get on that plan back to America and finish the tour. I was a coward, I admit it but I didn’t want to face him. I couldn’t, not after what I did. I knew he was angry, the longer I went without returning his calls and text, the angrier those texts and voicemails got.

When I got to the airport to meet the girls, since we were taking their private plane back, I knew they knew something was up. They kept subtly asking how I was and the concerned faces were a giveaway. “What happened between you and Liam?” Perrie finally asked.

I shrugged, “Nothing.” I didn’t want to talk about it. If I just ignored the problem, it would be fine. Just push it out of the forefront of my brain and focused on how to avoid Liam for the rest of the tour and it would be all good.

“That’s bullshit,” Jesy scoffed. “You’ve been acting weird for the past 2 days, and I’ve seen you ignoring calls on your phone. I’m just guessing now that those were Liam’s calls.”

Four pairs of eyes were boring into me, and I felt nervous under their stare.

“Something happened yeah?” Jade asked in her calm soothing voice. I hated when she did that, it was hard not to give her her way when she did that.

“We’re just,” I shrugged, “We’re just going to go back to the way things were before.”

“Does he know that?” Leigh-Anne asked.

“I don’t think he does,” Perrie shook her head, “Zayn said-”

“Stop,” I cut her off. “Just… just stop, I don’t want to talk about it.” They all stared at me, Perrie a bit shocked, but after a moment let the subject drop.

They all walked away to get ready to board, except Jesy, “Jazmin,” she said softly. She was looking at me with concern in only the way someone you’ve grown up with could. “Jaz, you can talk to me. What happened?”

Under her gaze I just felt so heavy. Like I was literally carrying the weight of my fuck ups on my shoulders. I slumped in a stiff airport chair, “We went on a date.” She sat next to me, nodding at me to continue, “It wasn’t supposed to be a date, but then everyone flaked and it just ended up being the two of us.” I sighed, “We went to this nice Italian restaurant and we drank lots of wine and were laughing at everything. Then he took me on the Eye. You know I’ve never been on it, and he dragged me there for the last ride and it was just so… perfect. I knew that I should have stopped whatever was happening, but I couldn’t. I liked the attention, and the way he looked at me and the way he touched me.” I glanced up at Jesy between my words to make sure she was still listening to what I was saying, “Then we went to his house. And things got carried away.” I felt my face heat up as I thought of what happened between Liam and I the other night, “It was different this time. It was slower, and genital and…” I shrugged.

“Loving?” my cousin offered.

I looked up at her at a loss. “Yeah. Then I woke up early in the morning and I panicked. It was like I was suffocating in his arms. So then I snuck out and left without saying goodbye.”

She wrapped an arm around me, “Oh Jazmin. What are you doing to yourself?”

I shrugged as I tried to keep it together. The guilt and the shame was just eating at me, I was dreading the next few hours. I’d be seeing Liam face to face again and there was limited ways to avoid him.

“Why won’t you just let that boy love you?”

I shook my head at her words, “Because. He could do better. I don’t know how to love someone, or even how to be loved.”

*****

When we landed in Kansas we headed straight for the arena. There was sound check and wardrobe fittings as well as a radio interview the girls had to do. I was running around them filming and taking pictures of it all because I needed more material for the next tour update video.

One Direction showed up not too long after we did to start their sound check. The boys peeked in the dressing room to say their hellos. Louis gave me a hard look like he was trying to gauge what was going through my head when he hugged me and Zayn asked if I was alright. So it was obvious they knew something was up with Liam and I.

It seems as though Liam was avoiding me as well. He wasn’t with the lads when they popped in to say hi. I did see him down the hall right before their sound check and when he saw me, he ducked into the first room he walked into before I could even read an emotion on his face.

It was weird, I didn’t want to face him, but every time I did see him it was like a stab in the heart. When I was walking out from the Arena later right before the show, I was walking towards the bus to grab my camera bag and I saw him and one of his security guards. He has on the side of his but working out. I swear all my insides plummeted at the sight. No matter what happens, ever, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to seeing Liam shirtless. Or just seeing him period. Every time I saw him something in me stirred. I know he saw me see him, but again, he didn’t acknowledge my presents. If anything he just increased the intensity of the pull ups he was doing.

I don’t know what I was expecting though. I knew I hurt him, I knew that as I walked out his front door. But the Liam I’ve grown to know would have dragged me to the side and demanded answers. But not this Liam. Instead of talking to me he hardly glanced at me before turning to find a reason to get away from me. Pain reverberated through my chest at that knowledge, but it was better this way. If we avoided each other, everything would stop. I wouldn’t have to feel the guilt, and I wouldn’t have to worry that he was getting too attached to me and I wouldn’t have to face my own brewing feelings.

Because I admit it, I did feel something for Liam. I liked him way more than I should and I needed to put that fire out before I was in too deep. He was in a boy band, and I was just some nobody who happened to be related to someone with talent. Nothing more. My pictures could carry their own weight, but I’d never be someone worthy of being with him. He travelled 10 months out of the year, we’d never see each other and it’d never work out.

I was fine with that, I accepted it. But that didn’t mean I was worth of Liam Payne’s affection. His fans would hate me and think I was just using him for fame. People, would in turn, notice my photographs because I was with him. It was a vicious circle.

On top of that, I didn’t know how to actually be with someone. I didn’t know how to love or receive it. The way he treated me the other night, the eye contact and the slow… everything, he wanted more than I could give him. It’s been obvious since the beginning of all this, but I just didn’t want to see it. I was being selfish because I wanted to have a good shag.

But now things had gone too far.

*****

I spent the whole show down in the photo pit with Jeff. I was so focused on my job that I hardly acknowledged the fans behind me who were screaming for attention, literally.

After Little Mix finished I left the arena early. I needed to get another flip cam and I needed to head to the closest camera shop before it closed.

Plus, shopping for camera supplies was the greatest therapy for me. I could get so lost in looking at new cameras and lenses and playing with editing programs, I could literally be in a shop all day.

While I was browsing through the place I got a call from Little Mix’s management team. It was a surprising and amazing call. They gave me praises on the tour updates and the pictures I’ve emailed so far and said they were very pleased with my work. They even wanted to talk about future plans with the band as well as others on the label for me to shoot.

That call lifted my spirits and put me into such a good mood I ended up splurging on myself and buying another lens as well as the flip cam I needed.

I took a taxi back to the hotel we were staying at for the night, but instead of going up to the room I was sharing with Jesy right away, headed towards our empty bus behind the hotel instead. The call with management put me into a working mood, so I texted her saying where I was and what I was doing and headed to the back lounge and started a long night of editing. It was late, but I got some of my best work done at night, so I got to work.

It was well into 1 in the morning, and I was tired, but I was on an editing roll by this point. Tonight Alive was playing through my laptop speakers and I’d just finished editing the New York folder when I heard the bus door open.

I hit pause on my iTunes and was about to call out when the person beat me too it, “Jazmin?” My blood ran cold at his voice. I guess our mutual avoidance was about to end and there was nowhere for me to run from Liam. I was stuck speechless as I heard his footsteps come down the bus. The closer he got the faster my heart raced.

When he appeared in the doorway it was like all the wind was knocked out of me. He was wearing tight jeans and a loose fitted wife beater. He would have looked amazingly fit of it wasn’t for the angry expression on his face. “Liam,” I managed to squeak out.

He reached behind him and pulled something out of his back pocket before a mess of white fabric was tossed on the couch next to me, “You left your shirt at my house the other night. You know, before you snuck out like it was a bloody one night stand.” He glared at me waiting for me to say something, but I didn’t, “Why are you avoiding me? My have you ignored all my calls and texts?”

Yeah, he was angry, “Look Liam… that shouldn’t have happened.”

“That’s such bullshit Jazmin!”

“Look it’s just,” I was panicking and when I panicked I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t think of anything to say, “Our friendship… we don’t do that, we don’t go on dates and we don’t… we don’t…”

“Say it. Don’t be a coward now Jaz, say it.” He was fuming. I could see the vain in his neck pulsing, “Admit it, what happened the other night, what we did, was different. This whole thing has been different!”

I shook my head stubbornly, “No.”

“Yes!” he hissed, “Don’t fucking deny it now, it’s too late for that.” He ran his hand through is short hair, looking away from me for a moment before turning his glare back to me, “Things changed the other night, and you let them just as much as I did.”

“No they didn’t Liam. We’re friends, and we occasionally have sex, that’s it.”

He groaned frustratingly, “Why are you denying this, you know that’s not true! We’re more than just friends with benefits. We always have been. I saw the way you looked at me on the Eye, I know you feel something more than just casual sex. Stop lying!” I didn’t say anything as I looked away from him to my laptop. I was freaking out on the inside but I was trying to keep my composure on the outside so he wouldn’t see how bad this conversation was hurting me. He took three long strides across the room and slammed my laptop closed and glared down at me, “Stop avoiding this Jazmin! What made you like this? Why are you so against being with someone?”

“Because,” I cracked.

“Because why!” he roared back.

I shook my head avoiding his stare at all costs, “Because I can’t give you what you want.”

“Can’t or won’t?” He lowered his voice from the yelling he was previously doing, but there was still a tight edge to it.

“Both,” I whispered. I finally looked up at him and saw the hurt on his face before he locked it away behind the anger. “Look, you just don’t understand-”

“Of course I don’t understand! You won’t let me understand!” He was back to yelling, “I don’t even think you understand it yourself. Why are you so afraid to admit that you feel the exact same way I feel about you? I want to be with you, really be with you,” he was breathing heavily but he was back to a low growl, “I want to call you mine and I don’t want to have to worry about you pushing me onto other girls or worry your with other guys when I’m not around. Why can’t you give me that and just admit you want me too.”

My heart leapt at his words. I felt sick and hot all over and the intensity in his eyes was strong enough to knock me on my feet if I wasn’t sitting already. “Liam, stop,” I stood up so we were more eyelevel, “I don’t- I can’t talk about this right now.” I needed to get out of here. The back lounge felt so tiny with both of us back here I was getting claustrophobic and the fight or flight instinct in me was raging and the flight was winning.

I went to walk around him but he grabbed my arm keeping me from getting to the door, “No stop running away from this Jazmin. I’m tired of this, I’m sick of playing your game and playing by your rules. You’ve known how I felt about you this entire time, and we aren’t leaving this bus until you admit your feeling. I know the truth already so just admit you feel the same.”

We stood there, face to face almost having a stare down. He was breathing heavily from his anger and I was breathing heavily from trying to keep all my emotions inside. I need to keep my poker face while dealing with him. I needed to end this, and he wasn’t going to leave until I said something. I took a shaky breath, “I… I don’t feel the same. I don’t have feeling for you Liam. Not like that.”

He flinched at my words and dropped my arm like it was acid. This time, anger hurt and sadness washed across his face as the color drained from it. He stepped back from me toward the doorway like he too was realizing how heavy the air was in this room. He rubbed his hands across his face as he took a few deep breathes. When he dropped them, his face was back in a mask of anger, “Fuck you Jazmin. I don’t know why you want to keep living in this lie, with everyone at arm’s length, but fuck you. I’m done. I’m done letting you mess with my head and screwing with my emotions. If this is how you want it, fine. Wish fucking granted,” he spat at me before he turned on his heel and stormed off the bus, slamming the door behind him.

I flinched as it echoed through the bus. I felt like my heart was being crushed at the things he said before he left. I fell down on the couch and, for the second time, I let myself cry over this boy. I knew this was all my fault, and everyone warned me not to get into this with him, but I couldn’t stay away from him. But I also couldn’t give him what he wanted. He deserved better, so much better.

Lying to him about my feelings was so hard but I had to do it. So I let him go. I didn’t chase after him like some movie, or text one of the girls and tell them what happened.

No, instead I sat in the back of the empty bus and let myself cry. Because I deserved this, I deserved to be alone. It’s all I’ve ever know, and it’s all I will ever know probably. Because no matter what I may be feeling towards Liam, and it was more than I was willing to admit to myself, the thought of getting closer still scared the ever living shit out of me.