Can You Find Me?

“I had a feeling you’d show up,” Zayn said as he moved out of the doorway to let me in. I was only sulking in my flat for about 15 minutes before I couldn’t take it anymore and drove myself over here.

I walked in and shut the door behind me, “I figured you might need some help since they’re all pissed.” I looked into the living room and saw Perrie and Jesy passed out on the couch. “You need help with that?”

“Nah,” he shook his head. “They weigh nothing. I can carry them to bed. Ayden’s up in the guest room. The one with its own bathroom. I have a feeling she’s gonna be sick soon.”

I grimaced at his comment, “Maybe I shouldn’t go up there.”

“Niall,” he snapped. “Get your ass up there and help her.” He fixed me with a hard stare. I hadn’t been expecting his wrath. I hardly nodded before I stumbled up the stairs to check on Ayden.

The room Zayn said she was in was at the end of the hallway. I knocked tentatively, “Ayden?” there wasn’t an answer. I slowly pushed the door in and stepped in. She wasn’t in the bed, and before I could call out to her again I heard her retch from the bathroom. My feet took off and I raced into the bathroom. She was slumped against the toilet, her hair cascaded around, blanketed her face as her shoulders shook as she got sick.

It’s like instinct took over and I rushed to her. I sat behind her against the wall, my legs on either side of her, and reached up to pull her hair out of her face. I slowly rubbed circles into her back as she rested her head against her arm on the toilet, having a break from throwing up.

“What are you doing here Niall?” she asked her voice hoarse. She looked knackered and her eyes were shut tight.

Despite myself, a small smile graced my lips, “How’d you know it was me?”

“Please, I spent 10 months of my life with you, I can practically feel when you walk into a room.” She poked at my left shoe, “Plus, I think you’re the only one of our friends that wears bright white surpas.”

I nodded, “I guess you’re right.”

“What are you doing here?” she asked again, a slight slur still in her words. “Wasn’t I just a complete cunt to you?”

I huffed a laugh, “I think I deserved it.”

She hummed in response. She had still yet to open her eyes, or even moved as I continued to rub up and down her back. “No you didn’t,” she sighed. I didn’t know how to respond to that so I kept quiet. “I shouldn’t have called you,” she said after a long pause. “That was selfish. The things I said were rude. I said I wanted to hate you! I’m sorry.”

“Apology accepted.”

She groaned, “Don’t do that. Don’t-” She stopped as she leaned back over the toilet bowl and threw up again. I scooted closer to her to get a better grip on her hair. Zayn peek his head into the bathroom then taking in the scene. He waved a new toothbrush in my direction before he set it on the counter and walked out.

Ayden dry heaved a few times before she leaned on her arm again. This time she moved her face to look at me, “Don’t accept my apology so quickly.”

“Why not? You were only telling me how you really felt for once,” it came out a bit harsher than I intended, but I don’t think she noticed or cared.

She shrugged, “You shouldn’t be here.” She looked away from me, “You should be with Hanna.”

“Hanna?” I asked confused, “Ayden, I’m not dating Hanna.”

“Shame,” she hummed. “I hear she’s quite fit. What’s not to like?”

“She’s not you.” I watched as she bit her lip after I said that. We were quiet as my words hung in the air. I don’t know how many times I was going to have to tell her I didn’t want anyone but her, but I wasn’t going to stop.

She sighed and sat up a bit, “I need… I need to sleep or something.” She tried pushing herself up on shaky arms and legs and I jumped up and helped her up. I guided her over to the sink and opened the toothbrush and handed it to her as I pulled toothpaste out of the cabinet. I leaned against the wall as she brushed her teeth, looking away from her. There was so much I wanted to say; how I was hurt by her words on the phone, but know why she said them. How I was in love with her and probably always would be to some extent. How I just wanted to take back everything that happened since LA and have everything be okay.

When I looked up at her she was staring at me through the mirror. She had an unreadable expression and we made eye contact for a slit second before she looked away and spit into the sink, rinsing her mouth with water. As she tried to walk, I wrapped an arm around her waist and helped her to the bed. I pulled the covers back and helped her in, tucking them around her. “Thanks,” the mumbled, eyes already closed.

“Welcome.” I watched her for a moment, making sure she was alright before I kicked my shoes off and laid down on the floor next to the bed.

“What are you doing?” she asked popping over the side to stare down at me. Her eyebrows were furrowed in confusion and she looked so adorable.

I shrugged, “Thought I’d sleep in here to make sure you didn’t choke on your puke.”

Her confusion turned too surprised, “Oh. You don’t have to do that.”

“I want too.”

I watched her swallow and bit her lip again. It drove me crazy. “You, um, you can sleep on the bed if you want. It’s big enough for the both of us.”

My heart dropped when she said that. I wanted nothing more than to share a bed with her again. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. You’re drunk and I don’t want you to wake up pissed off at me.”

She squinted her eyes in thought, “Good point. But here,” she disappeared on the bed again before two pillows were thrown on top of me. “Take these. And this,” she said and pulled the comforter off the bed, pushing it on top of me. “The sheet is enough, it’s hot in here anyway.”

“Thanks,” I said as I resituated myself on the floor on my makeshift bed. I sighed contently as I stared up at the ceiling. We were quiet, I think she was falling asleep, her breathing was deep. It was late, and I was comfortable, I should be tired. But I wasn’t. I was too busy thinking about the girl on the bed next to me.

“Hey Niall?” she said softly. Her face appeared over me again. She looked down on me with a sad face.

“Yeah.”

She sighed and pushed her hair out of her ace, “I don’t deserve you.”

Now it was my turn to look confused, “What?”

She sighed again, “I keep pushing you away, and hurting you. I said really terrible things to you tonight and yet, here you are. Making sure I’m okay. I really don’t deserve you.”

“Don’t think that,” I barked. “If anything, I don’t deserve you. We’ve had this conversation before love. And if anything, I think I proved that I don’t deserve you 10 months ago.”

She reached down and grabbed my hand off my chest. She awkwardly tried to hold my right hand with her right, “I love you, you know,” she stated.

“I know.” I felt like we’d had this conversation a few times now, “I love you too.”

She smiled at my words, “I still don’t understand why,” she said sleepily.

“Why?”

Her eyes were blinking repeatedly as she tried to fight sleep, “Because we don’t make sense. We never have.”

“It doesn’t matter. You’re still my other half.” I watched her, her eyes were closed now and she hummed at my words. “We’re gonna fix this babe.”

“I love you,” she said again, words slurred with sleep now.

I brought her hand to my lips, kissing each knuckle, “Love you forever.” I don’t know if she heard my words or now though. She was already snoring softly.

*****

I woke up with a throbbing headache and my mouth was bone dry. That and someone was holding my hand. I peaked over the edge of the bed and there was Niall fast asleep. As soon as I saw him it all came back to me; Drinking with Perrie and Jesy. Drunk calling Niall and being a huge fucking bitch to him. And then him coming to my aid right after. I carefully pulled out of his grasp, not trying to wake him.

I rolled onto my back, brushing my hand through my bed head, going over the night again. It was fuzzy but I was sure I remembered most of it. Especially the terrible things I’d said to him. I didn’t understand why he was so forgiving. I kept pushing him away and yet, here he was. He was wrong, I didn’t deserve him.

I sighed and sat up slowly. My head throbbed more as I did so, which was terrible. I pushed myself from the bed, quietly so I didn’t stir Niall. I shut the door behind me then made my way down the stairs where I found Zayn at the stove. “Hey.”

He glanced at me over his shoulder, “Hey,” he greeted before turning back and banging his spatula on the pan. He did that on purpose, the wanker.

I winced, “Ah, could you not?”

“Sorry,” he mumbled as he dumped his eggs on a plate. “Advil’s on top of the fridge,” he said as he passed me to the kitchen table. I watched after him as he slumped into a char. Alright, clearly he wasn’t in the best of moods.

I occupied myself with getting some water to down the Advil. “Where’s Perrie and Jesy?”

“They had a meeting,” he said shortly.

I groaned, “Okay, what’s wrong with you?”

He sighed and fixed me with a hard stare, “What are you doing Ayden?”

“Trying to get rid of this headache.”

He glared, “With Niall. What are you doing with Niall?”

“I don’t know,” I mumbled.

He rolled his eyes, “You’re a mess. Don’t try to deny it, I found you last night remember? You were sobbing. You wouldn’t be reacting like that to him if you didn’t still love him.”

“I do still love him. I never said I didn’t.”

“Then forgive him!” he barked. “Life’s too short for this shit and you of all people should know that.”

I was shocked into silence by his words as he went back to his breakfast. The thing was, is he was completely right. I did know how short life was. I had since my dad died when I was 10 and my mom taking off a year later. I just wasn’t expecting Zayn to throw it in my face like that. “I don’t know how to forgive him,” I whispered catching his attention again.

“Maybe you should stop trying to keep him at arm’s length, and just let him help you forgive him.” He sighed as he got up to put his plat in the sink, “I get that you’re trying to focus on yourself right now, but it’s obvious that Niall’s a part of you. Neither of you can stay away from each other, doesn’t that say something to you?”

Everything he was saying was true and it sucked, “It does. But I still think he should try and move on,” I mumbled into my lap. He was saying everything I had kept from my mind and it was hard to deny it to his face when, clearly, he read me better than I thought.

“He doesn’t want to Ayden,” he tone was softer now. “He only wants you. The sooner you realize that, the better.”He walked across his kitchen and grabbed his keys, “I’ve gotta be somewhere. Lock up when you leave yeah?” I nodded numbly as he walked out of the house.

I sat in the kitchen a little while after he left, letting the past 5 minutes flow through my head. There was a part of me that was pissed at what he said and the assumptions he made. But the other, smarter part of me, knew everything he said was true. I couldn’t stay away from Niall, and I didn’t want too. I wanted, no, I needed him in my life. I sighed to myself as I got up. It was almost noon and I needed to get my day going.

I walked back up to the room I left Niall in and sat on the floor next to his sleeping frame. He looked so cute when he slept. Childlike even. I sat there and let everything from the past few weeks run over in my mind. The hurt I felt when we gave our stuff back to each other. Sleeping with him, that kiss the other night. What he said about my dad, how great he treated me last night after I wasn’t as courteous. I needed to try harder to forgive him instead of just pushing him out.

I leaned over and shook him lightly, “Niall. Ni, wake up it’s like noon.”

He groaned, stretching before he opened his eyes. He looked up at the ceiling, blinking a bit before turning to me, “Hey.” He took a deep breath before sitting up and stretching, “How you feeling?” he was rubbing his face and he looked so fucking cute. God he wasn’t making my life easy.

I shrugged, “I’m alright. I took some Advil.” He nodded, running his hand through his messy sleep ridden hair. “Um,” I cleared my throat, “Do you have plans today?”

He looked up at me surprised, “Not really, no.”

I bit my lip, “Do you want to get breakfast? Well, lunch? I’m going over to my aunts later to help her put the crib together… I’m sure she’d love to see you.”

He stared at me for a long moment, “I’d love too. Are you sure you want me there?”

“That’s why I asked,” I smiled softly. “Thanks for last night. I’m sorry for the phone call.”

“I told you, ‘s alright. I know why you did it.”

My lower lip came between my teeth again, “Can we just… forget it happened?”

He shrugged, “I don’t think I could ever forget what you said and how you sounded. But I know why you did it. I’m not going to hold it against you.” I nodded at his words. I got déjà vu from this conversation. I got flashes from our conversation right before I fell asleep. How many times I told him I loved him and him saying it back. How he would love me forever.

I winced at my thoughts, “Why don’t we start over. Clean slate?”

He nodded slowly, “Okay. If that’s what you want.”

I sighed, “What do you want Niall?”

“To be with you. Haven’t I made it clear?”

“And I’m trying to get back to that. I just need time.”

“Okay! Okay,” he sighed. “So, we’re starting over. Friends then?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know. I’m just… I’m not going to be holding the break up against you. At least I’m going to try not to. I know it’s hard to believe, but I want to get past it too.”

He licked over his bottom lip, taking in my words, “Okay.” He cleared his throat, “So you mentioned food…?”

*****

“Aunty Jenny?” I called out as I walked into the new house. They looked more moved in since the last time I’d been here. “We’re here!”

“We?” I heard her call from upstairs followed by footsteps. She came down the stairs, she was wearing a summer dress and leggings. She looked so cute and her tiny baby bump could almost be seen against the fabric. “Niall? What I surprise!” she said before pulling him into a hug. “Oh wow,” she said once they pulled away. She began manhandling his arms, “Someone’s been going to the gym,” she commented. Yeah, that’s where I get the cheekiness from. Runs in the family I think.

Niall turned bright red, “Oh um, yeah.”

Aunt Jenny looked between us with a quizzical eye, “Does this mean- are you two…?”

“Friends,” I said giving her a slight glare.

She rolled her eyes, “You two are ridiculous. But come on, I already opened the box for the crib. There’s more parts then I anticipated.”

We followed her up the stairs into the baby’s room. There was an unassembled and a bit overwhelming looking crib against the wall. “You two wanna get that done, and I’ll finish unpacking the house?”

“You were you going to make me build this on my own?” I accused.

She scoffed, “No. But you brought an extra pair of hands, so know we can get more done.” She kissed my cheek then Niall’s, “Thanks babes,” she called then walked out of the room.

I huffed, “Pregnant women.”

Niall laughed, “Come on, let’s get started.”

“You ever done this before?”

He shrugged, “I helped Tom and Harry build Lux’s before she was born. Took forever, but you’re a woman, isn’t it like, an instinct thing to know how to put these together?”

“Funny.”

“So when’s the baby get here?” He asked once we sat down and started reading directions.

I was holding up assembly parts to the pictures in the directions in concentration. None of this looked like the pictures! “She’s in her second trimester, so a little over 5 months or so.”

“Do they know what their having yet?”

I shook my head, “No. They haven’t decided if they want to know yet, or keep it a surprise. I don’t even think they’ve agreed on any names yet,” I laughed.

“You still hoping for a boy?”

“Yeah. But either way, I’m happy. Baby girls are fun, I’ve learned that from Lux.”

“Is it just me or are these directions no help?”

I sighed, “I was thinking the same thing. Let’s just… put it together the best we can?”

“Works for me.”

*****

“Hey are you guys hungry, I was thinking we could order- What the bloody hell are you two doing?” My aunt asked as she walked into the room.

Niall and I looked at her innocently from where we both sat inside the crib. “We’re testin’ it out,” he explained.

“Yeah see, the directions were crap so we were winging it when we built this,” I continued. “Then we were worried it couldn’t hold the baby so I got in to see. Then Niall got in for good measure and well… here we are!”

“Now we know it’s safe,” Niall added. He grabbed onto the side bars pulling at them to show that they wouldn’t give.

Aunt Jenny rolled her eyes laughed, “Well thank you. So are you guys hungry?”

Niall perked up, “I could eat!”

“When have you ever turned down food?” I shot.

He made a face at me, “Um, loads of times!”

“Really?” I asked skeptically, “Name one time.”

“Are you really doing this?” May aunt sighed, “I’m ordering Chinese.”

“Spring rolls!” Niall and I yelled at the same time.

I glared at him, “Those are my favorite.”

“Yeah, well you always used to make us get them, and they’re my favorite now too,” he stuck his tongue out at me.

My aunt huffed gaining our attention again, “I’ll get 2 orders. Jesus, just get back together already!” she exclaimed as she walked out of the room.

“Okay, rude,” I said rolling my eyes.

Niall laughed at my comment, “We should probably get out of here.” He stood up slowly before doing a one arm leap out of the crib. Impressive little shit.

I stood up after him and went to throw my leg over but he grabbed me, throwing me over his shoulder. I shrieked, “Okay, speaking of rude.”

“Come on, I was just helping you out,” he placed me back on my feet, “There.”

I looked up at him gratefully, “Thanks.” If people had ‘moments’ in real life, I think we were starting to have one. We were standing really close, and his hands were still on my waist. He looked so cute, and he was being so… Niall. It was like when we were at my flat listening to music. It was like nothing had changed.

“I know that look,” he stated.

“What look?”

He smirked, “The one you’re giving me. You always look at me like that when you want to kiss me.”

I rolled my eyes, “If that were true, which is wasn’t,” total lie, I did want to kiss him, “You just ruined the moment.”

He laughed, dropping his hands from my waist, “Maybe so. But I still saw the look,” he smirked before winking at me and walking out of the baby room.

That little bastard.