Can You Find Me?

I’ve known Hanna for a few years. We’d just never been more than acquaintances until now. She was just fun, and easy to talk to and didn’t give me sympathetic looks whenever I walked into a room. Basically, she was a good distraction.

“You know, when you asked if I’d come over and help you pack, I didn’t think I’d be the only one doing work,” she said walking out of the kitchen to where I was on the couch, watching a football match.

I glanced up at her briefly before I sighed and turned off the tellie, “Sorry. Easily distracted you know.”

She nodded, “Yeah. The kitchen’s pretty much completely packed. You’ll have to get takeaway until you move everything into your new house.” She glanced around the living room, “I see you’ve done nothing in here.”

“Sorry.”

“Come on. Up,” she urged. “Let’s start by taking all the pictures and framed gold albums down and wrap them in news paper, yeah?”

I got up and started taking down album frames off the wall and some of the framed pictures of the band at special events that were on the far wall. When I turned to set them gently on the coffee table, I noticed that Hanna was just standing by the, never used, fireplace. She was staring at the pictures of Ayden and me to be more specific.

She reached up and touched the corner of one. It was a picture of us when we were at Harry’s one night. She was on my lap and my arms were around her as I smiled massively at the camera. She on the other hand was making a face, almost like the Billie Idol snarl. It was one of my favorites because it was a perfect example of how we are, well were. “Has she come to her senses and taken you back yet?” Hanna asked without even glancing at me.

“No. She still just wants to be friends.”

Her shoulder slumped before she turned to face me, “She’s really pretty.”

“She’s beautiful,” I said matter-of-factly.

She smiled, nodded, “She’s the one? I mean, you know she’s the one for you? That’s a non judgmental question.” I smiled at her last comment. I knew she wasn’t asking me to judge me, Hanna wasn’t like that. She listened to what I had to say and gave her honest, unbiased opinion.

I shrugged as I walked to where she was standing and looked over all the pictures I had up; a picture of us at the Bring Me The Horizon video shoot, us in the kitchen of the bakery. A picture of us with Harry and Dakota, one of use with everyone and the girlfriends. I missed that. “Yeah,” I said softly, “I can feel it in my heart that she’s the one.” I shrugged and looked back at Hanna, “I know it sounds stupid cause I’m only 20, but, right now at least, I can feel it.”

She nodded, taking in my words. She turned back and looked at the pictures as I did. I could tell she was thinking about something, but I didn’t know what. “Let’s try something, yeah? Purely for the sake of science.”

I looked at her quizzically, “What?”

“Kiss me.”

“What?!” Hanna and I definitely weren’t like that. I mean, yeah she was fit- she was a model for crying out loud, but there was nothing there.

“Calm down, I’m not asking you to fuck me. I’m saying you haven’t even tried to move on, she did tell you to move on, so why not try kissing me. You know maybe it’ll kick start you back into the dating game.”

I shook my head, “I don’t want to get back in the dating game. I don’t want to move on. I’m not ready.”

“How do you know, if you don’t try Niall?”

I sighed, cursing my hands through my hair. She had a point, I hadn’t tried moving on. But I didn’t want to. I could tell Ayden still loved me, she’s told me, so I wasn’t about to give up on her. But then again, Hanna had a point too. How did I know I didn’t want to date someone else. I mean, I was the one that broke up with Ayden in the first place so… “Alright.”

“Alright…?” she urged.

I turned to her, “Let’s do your little experiment.”

She nodded, “So, do you want me to kiss you, or-”

I was done talking. I cut her off by grabbing her neck and forcing her lips to mine. Her lips were soft and tasted like her cherry lip gloss. It was a different taste, I was used to Ayden’s apple chap stick. The way she just let me take complete control of the kiss kind of irked me too. Ayden always made me work for it; I liked the challenge. I tried to push all thoughts of comparing Ayden to Hanna out of my mind as I urged her mouth open to deepen the kiss. It was impossible though, no matter what I did, I couldn’t get Ayden out of my head. That and I just didn’t have those kinds of feelings for Hanna. This kiss just felt forced and awkward.

After a moment of honest trying, I gave up and pulled away from her. “So, how was that for you?” she asked.

I scratched the back of my neck, “Honestly? It felt like kissing a sibling almost. And I couldn’t stop thinking about Ayden.”

“It felt wrong kissing you too,” she giggled. “But I was curious, and I wanted to try and help,” she shrugged, “At least now you know that you still feel so strongly about her,” she said gesturing to the pictures again.

“Thanks for trying to help.”

“Any time. If you ever wanna repay me though, I have a thing for gingers. Who play the guitar... and are named Ed Sheeran.”

I huffed out a laugh, “I’ll keep an eye out for you.”

She laughed and hip checked me, “Come on, let’s get back to packing.”

*****

I never should have let you go, cause I’m falling to pieces! I just wanna let you know, that I can’t keep pretending. I never should have let you go, you’re so far away, and I just-

I’ve never clicked the next button on my iPod so fast in my life. I love Simple Plan, but that song was just hitting me right in the feels and not in a good way. Way too relevant to my life at the moment.

I was only in the car for half of ‘Dizzy’ by Tyler Weinrich before I was pulling into Perrie and Zayn’s drive way to hang out with my lady. She answered the door with a big smile on her face and Hatchi jumping at her feet, “Hey love, come in.”

I hugged her as I walked through the door. “Oh, hey Zayn,” I said as the lad came out of the kitchen in a hurry.

He skirted to a stop when he saw me, “Hey babe,” he walked over and kissed my cheek in greeting, “Sorry I don’t have time to chat, I’m running late for the studio.”

“I understand,” I nodded. He smiled at us before running upstairs, the little dog running after him. Perrie and I made our way into their massive living room, “god I love your house,” I said as I got comfortable on the couch.

She sat next to me and chuckled, “You say that every time you come over.” It’s true, I did. But I couldn’t help it, their house was amazing!

“I know. But I’m being honest, I want a house like this.”

“Well-” she started but was interrupted by Zayn yelling down at her asking where one of his jackets was. She sighed before standing up, “Sorry, I’ll just be a minute,” she excused herself. She hollered up at Zayn as she ran up the stairs about if he ‘checked the closet! You know, where shit belongs?!’ I seriously loved these two.

I leaned back as I waited for her return, and looked about the room. They’ve redone it since I was last here. The furniture was all moved around and there were new framed posters and pictures all around. Something that I knew was all Perrie’s doing. Every time she had a long break between tours and recording she always ended up redoing one room of her house. I got up and looked at all the stuff hanging on the walls. There was a whole wall for framed One Direction and Little Mix gold and platinum records; it was impressive.

There were also many adorable ‘coupley’ pictures of the two, as well as pictures of their families and friends. I made a cameo in a good number of them. A picture of Perrie, Jesy and I, a pic of just Perrie and I. There was a picture of me, Perrie, Eleanor, Kota and Danielle backstage at the concert in LA, you know, before my relationship went to shit. There was also another picture from the same LA trip. It was of Niall and I with Perrie and Zayn. It was originally supposed to be a selfie of just Perrie and I, but the lads photo bombed us. But it was an adorable picture and we all looked so happy.

“Hey!” Perrie chirped from behind me.

I jumped, my heart rate accelerating. “Jesus Pez! I didn’t hear you!”

“Sorry. What you looking at?”

I gestured back to the wall, “All your new art on the wall.” I pointed to the picture of all the ‘girlfriends,’ “can I get a copy of this?”

She nodded, “Yeah, I’ll email it to you.”

“That works,” I smiled as I made my way back to the couch. Zayn ran down the stairs, yelling a ‘bye’ before racing out the door.

“So was that all you were looking at?” she eyed me.

I shrugged, “I never did see that one of you, Zayn, Niall and I. I like it, we all look like we’re having the time of our lives,” I said as I petting Hatchi as he jumped onto the couch between us.

“We were all happy. And you’ll get back to that Ayd. If not with Niall, then someone else.”

I sighed, nodding to her words. “You know what we need?” I said changing the subject.

“What’s that?”

“A proper girls night. I’m talking, I wanna get pissed; completely car parked!”

A cheeky smile spread across her face, “I think that’s a fantastic idea. Should I call the girls?”

“Yes!”

She went to grab her phone, but paused, “Wait, if we’re drinking is it inconsiderate to invite Dakota you think?”

She had a point. I shrugged, “Call your band then. We’ll keep it small. I’ll call Blue and see if she’s in.”
Little did I know, that a night of drinking, with what turned out to be just Perrie, Jesy and I, would end with me drunk dialing an Irish lad…

*****

We got back from the studio late and I was wired from all the excitement of the new songs we were writing. I didn’t want to stop, the creative juices were flowing, so I grabbed my guitar and a notebook and started tinkering around with different melodies.

I was really getting into a song when my phone went off. I was a bit annoyed, I mean it was a little after 3am, who in the bloody hell would call me now? But then I saw who it was. Her name was lit up on my phone screen, causing my heart rate to pick up. “Ayden?” I answered as soon as I registered that she was calling me. She didn’t say anything, all I could hear was her breathing. “Ayd? Are you okay? It’s 3 in the morning.”

“You ruined everything,” she slurred.

“What?” I set my guitar aside, “Love, are you drunk? Where are you? How much have you had to drink?”

“A lot,” I heard her sigh, “I’m so angry with you. And I hate that you make me still love you.”

The sadness I heard through her jumbled, drunken words pierced my heart something fierce, “Ayd, I-”

“Shut up,” she snapped. “It hurts Niall. I wanna be with you, but I can’t.”

I swallowed hard, “Why not?” I whispered. “Where are you, do you need me to pick you up?”

“I’m fine, I’m at Perrie’s.”

I sighed a bit in relief that she wasn’t at some dodgy pub, “So you’re safe then?”

“Yes!” she snapped at me. “God, why do you have to do that? Why do you have to be so caring? You don’t get to be like that!”

“Why not?”

She growled out the most heart wrenching sentence I’ve ever heard her say, “Because you ripped my heart out over the phone. You’re such an asshole.”

I leaned forward, my elbows on my knees, head casted down as I clutched the phone to my ear. “I know,” I finally said, “And I hate myself for it.”

“Stop!” she barked, “Stop saying things that make me feel bad for snapping at you. That’s not how this is supposed to work. You’re supposed to argue with me and be a twat so I can stop loving you.”

“I’m not going to do that,” I sighed out.

There was a momentary pause, “Why not?” she asked softly.

I ran my hand over my face. My heart hurt and so did my head and I just wanted her here, in my arms, “Because I know I fucked up, and I want to make it better. That’s all I want to do, make everything better and be there for you anyway you’ll take me. Because I love you. I’m so in love with you Ayden. Just… find your way back to me. Please.” She was breathing heavily and I could hear her sniff. She was trying to hide the fact that she was crying, but I heard it. I heard it loud and clear and I wanted nothing more than to make it better. “Please don’t cry. I hate when you cry love.”

“Then stop making me cry, Niall,” she pleaded through a sob. Then she started to completely break down crying.

“Ayden-”

“No, just stop. Shut up!” she cried. “God, I want to hate you so much for hurting me for no goddamned reason, but I can’t.”

I sighed, “Ayden,” I tried again, but stopped when I heard voiced in the background over her crying.

I heard the phone jumble around a bit before I heard Zayn’s voice, “Hello? Niall?”

“Yeah,” I said weakly. I felt beaten down from this conversation and all the things she threw at me.

“Look mate, I don’t know what I just walked into. Perrie and Jesy are passed out in the living room and I find Ayden out here in the backyard crying in the grass. What happened?”

“She’s drunk. She drunk dialed me and yelled at me.”

“Ayden, sit up,” he commanded. “She’s really gone man. I don’t know if she’ll even remember this.”

“Tell him he’s an asshole,” iheard her say in the background.

“Ayden, stop,” he pleaded with her. “She’s proper fucked.”

I nodded. I’d already figured that, “I know. Just, take care of her yeah?”

He scoffed, “Of course I will. I’m a pro at this by now.” He didn’t have to say it. That he’s dealt with this with Dakota many times over the years. “I’m gonna get her inside. You okay though?”

“Not really, but I need you to make sure she gets to sleep alright. Don’t worry about me.”

“If you need to talk mate-”

“I know,” I snapped. I didn’t mean to, but I wasn’t in the chattiest of moods right now. “Just make sure she’s okay.”

“I will. I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

After Zayn hung up I just sat there, staring off into space. I replayed the conversation I’d just had with Ayden. It killed me that she wanted to hate me. I don’t blame her though, I was a dick. The more I sat here though, the angrier at myself I became. I just wanted to go back and fix everything, but I couldn’t. “Fuck!” I yelled out into my apartment and kicked my coffee table hard enough that it skidded a few feet away.

What the fuck do I do now?