Can You Find Me?

“Niall, you still haven’t unpacked?” Hanna asked looking around my living room. We’d just got back from having dinner and we’d come back to my house to watch football highlights. She’s one of the only girls that were into footie, I swear.

I shrugged, “I’ve been busy, you know, recording an album? Besides, the upstairs is pretty much done. It’s just down here that I’ve been lazy with.” I had my couch and tellie set up but other than that, there were still boxes everywhere. “Wanna beer?” I asked heading towards the kitchen.

“Sure.” When I opened the fridge I hear my phone start to ring from the other room. “Niall! Phone!”

I scoffed a laugh, “Thanks, I have ears too.” I handed her the beer when I came back and picked my phone up. ‘Aunt Jen,’ it read, “Hey Jenny, how are you?”

“Oh, I’m good Niall, thanks you.” She cleared her throat, “Have you heard or seen Ayden?”

Her tone is what really set off alarms in my head, “No, why? Is everything alright?”

She sighed, “No, not exactly. She tore out of here in a bit of a tizzy. I would have called Blue but you know she’s out of town for a week.” She paused, “Niall she really needs someone right now.”

I nodded, “Is she okay?”

“I think she’s the only one that can tell you that.”

I nodded even though she couldn’t see me. Hanna was looking at me with concern. “I’ll uh, I’ll go find her.”

“Thank you Niall. I think she’s really going to need you.”

My heart sped up when she said that, “I’ll not going anywhere.”

After Jenny and I said our goodbyes I turned to Hanna, “Uh, can we do a rain check? I’ve gotta go see Ayden.”

Her browns furrowed, “Why? Is she okay?”

I shrugged, “Dunno. That was her aunt. I guess something happened.” I started looking around the room for my hat I’d discarded when we walked in.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea Niall? I mean-”

“I didn’t ask for your advice Hanna,” I shot. I found my snapback and threw it on.

She threw her hands up in surrender, “I know you didn’t. I’m just trying to look out for you. Be careful yeah?”

Trying to explain to her how Ayden and I were was pointless. She didn’t get it, and that’s fine, but it was still annoying. “I’ll be fine. I’ll call you later yeah?” I grabbed my keys and gestured for her to follow me out. The drive to her flat wasn’t too long, about 15 minutes and after I dropped her off I called Ayden twice, but she didn’t answer.

So I went straight to her flat. I didn’t see her car in her spot, but I still went up and knocked anyway. After that I tried a few record stores that I knew she frequented, and then her lookout spot. When she was nowhere I be found, I called her.

She didn’t answer. Not that I was surprised seeing as she hadn’t answered any of the other times.
So I put my car into park at the lookout spot and got comfortable as I called her over and over again. Around the 5th time I finally got to her.

“Jesus Niall, what the hell?” she snapped.

“Where are you?”

She sighed. She sounded exhausted, “Why?”

“Because you’re aunt called me really worried about you, and I’ve been to your flat, and spots around town and now I’m sitting at your spot wondering where you are.”

She was silent for a beat, “Did she tell you what happened?”

“No,” I said softly, “Just that you’d need someone right now.” My words hung in between us. The only thing I could hear on her end was her breathing. “Ayden, love,” I tried again, “Where are you?”

We sat in silence a little longer before she spoke, “Do you know where Queen Elizabeth’s cemetery is?”

*****

I knew exactly where the cemetery was. It was on the south end of the city and only about 10 minutes from where I was at the lookout spot.

The cemetery wasn’t all that big so it took me no time at all to find her. She was sitting facing a headstone.

Nicholas Scarpelli
Beloved friends, husband
and father

There was a quote but Ayden was blocking part of it as I walked closer to her. “’If you want to keep your memories, you first have to live them,’” she read aloud as I settled in next to her. She glanced at me fleetingly, “It was his favorite Bob Dylan quote. He used to say it to me all the time.” She looked back at the writing in front of us, “He insisted it’d be on his headstone,” she shrugged. “I haven’t been here in almost 5 years.”

I just nodded at her words. I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t know what had happened between her and her aunt, or why she was out here so late at night at her father’s grave. I just sat next to her in silence for a few minutes trying to figure out how and if I should even say anything. “Ayden?” I finally asked, “What’s going on?”

She sighed and looked down at her hands in her lap. She’s been picking at a dandelion before throwing it off to the side, “My brother’s in town.”

“You have a brother?” I said instantly. Part of me was hurt she’d kept something like that from me.
She let out a short dry laugh, “That was my reaction too.” My face scrunched in confusion when she glanced at me, “He’s actually my step brother. He’s name’s Daniel, he’s 23, American and he showed up at my Aunts house yesterday out of the blue looking for us.” She looked away from me biting my lip, “Oh, and my mom’s dead.”

My heart dropped for her when she said that. I had so many questions running through my head, “Wha- I, uh.” I took a deep breath trying to clear my head, “I don’t know what to say Ayd.”

“You don’t have to say anything.”

I reached over and laced my hand with hers, “I’m here for you, you know that.”

“Yeah,” she said softly. “I guess he, uh, Daniel, his dad died with my mom in a car accident a few months ago. He was going through stuff in their house, cause he’s thinking about selling it, and he came across my aunt’s address. It was her old one, but he looked her up and showed up at her door when she got home from her doctor’s appointment.” I just sat there silent, letting her talk, because honestly there’s not much I could say to her. “You know what’s sad?” she huffed, “I’m not even sad she’s dead. Like I have no reaction to that news. I’m more angry that she remarried and had a whole new family without me.”

“That’s understandable.”

She shook her head, “I’m 21, and an orphan.”

“No you’re not,” I said firmly. “You have your aunt. And Will and the new baby. Just because you’ve lost your parent’s doesn’t mean you’re an orphan.”

She looked down at her lap again like she was ashamed, “I know. But it still feels like I’m missing something.”

“You have me,” I said and gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. “And the lads and the girls,” I smiled softly when she looked at me, “And I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Harry’s practically adopted you into his family. He always runs to you when he has a problem.”

She smiled a little, “I can’t shake that kid.”

I wrapped my arm around her pulling her into my side, “So this brother, is he cool?”

She shrugged, resting her head on my shoulder, “I don’t know. I hardly let him explain before I bolted. This… this is just a lot to take in. Especially after the shit storm of yesterday.” She sighed, “Jay called me by the way.” My body went ridged when she said that. “Calm yourself,” she said, reaching up to lace her fingers with my hand that was around her shoulder, “He said that he and his management were going to take care of the news story. Bury it.”

I just hummed in response. I didn’t know how to take this news. I still hated thinking about the whole thing. I was jealous he was taking care of this and not me, but really, what could I do to fix this? It wasn’t my mess. I didn’t even know if we were together at this point or not.

Her free arm wrapped around my waist, making me relax a little. Sitting here with her, at her father’s final resting place, and hearing about her mom, really made me realize how short life really is. Suddenly, at this thought, even though we were sitting wrapped into each other, I missed her to death. It was like she wasn’t close enough. I wanted to hold her tight and never let her go. I never wanted her to ever leave my side. So I pulled her into me so she was in my lap, wrapped in my arms. “I love you,” I whispered into her hair.

She shivered, “I love you too.” We sat like that for a long time, or so it seemed. The last of twilight dipped into darkness and we were basked in stars. “He would have loved you, you know,” she said after a lifetime of silence. She looked up at me and smiled, “My dad. He would have got into you about the boy band thing,” she smirked, “But he would have loved talking music with you.”

“You think so?”
She put her head back in the crook of my neck, “It’s hard not to love you Niall.”
“One could say the same about you,” I mused. She squeezed at my side playfully causing me to jerk in surprise, “Hey, none of that.” She laughed against the skin of my neck and we settled into a comfortable silence. A breeze went by and she curled into me a bit more, “You wanna come back to mine? It’s getting a bit nippy out here.”

She was quiet for a few minutes, “Okay.” She extracted herself from me and pulled me up behind her. When I was fully up next to her she turned her back to me and looked down at her dad’s headstone. She walked over to it, kissed her hand and pressed it to the cement, “Later pops.”

*****

I followed Niall to his new house. With all the bullshit going on I’d completely forgotten that he was even moving. I forgot he had a house a few blocks from Harry’s until we drove by it. I noticed all the downstairs lights were on and I wondered if he and Dakota were working things out. I wanted to call her, but right now, my life was in the middle of hitting the fan.

Niall’s house was massive, or at least bigger than something I was used too, all the lads’ houses were really. “I’m still not fully unpacked,” he apologized as he opened the front door. I followed him in and saw that all of the downstairs was pretty much boxed. “Kitchens unpacked though, can I get you some tea or something.”

I nodded, still looking around the room, “Sure.” He nodded before turning down a hallway to where I imagined the kitchen was. I walked into the living room more taking in all the boxes. DVDs, books, pictures, and so on. I turned and spotted a pink cardigan on the couch. I walked over and picked up the sleeve, curiosity got the best of me. I could smell the perfume on it, something expensive. Must be Hanna’s. What am I doing here?

I dropped the cardigan and walked down the hall where Niall disappeared down. I found him in the kitchen, the kettle on the stove and he was putting sugar into mugs, “Niall,” he jumped a bit when he heard me, turning to flash me a smile before turning back to his task. “I should go, I think.”

His hands froze where they were before he turned back to me slowly, “Why?”

I shrugged, “You don’t need this. The crazy train that is my life.”

He gave me a confused, curious look, “Where’s this coming from?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know. I just… you don’t have to put up with me is what I’m saying.” He was still looking at me like I had two heads. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, “You should be out with the lads or… or Hanna, having fun. Not here with me, I’m not the best company right now.”

He walked across his spacious kitchen, closing the gap between us. His hands found their way to my waist, pulling me into him, “I don’t know where this is coming from, but there’s nowhere I’d rather be right now, or ever really, then right next to you.” The kettle started screaming and he leaned in and kissed the side of my mouth, “I love you. Accept it and move on,” he mumbled before going over to fix our tea. The finality in his tone made me smile and butterflies erupt in my stomach.

I watched as he fixed the tea before he turned to me and handed me my mug; with a spoonful of honey and a bit of sugar, how I liked it. “Thanks,” I smiled before taking a small sip.

He nodded, “I obviously don’t have my kitchen table moved in yet,” he said motioning to the empty space behind me, “But feel free to sit on the counter.” He hopped up on the island counter smiling at me. I walked over to the side counter across from him and pulled myself up. I held the warm mug between my hands, warming me up from the cold outside. “So how long is your brother here… are we calling him your brother?”

I shrugged, “I guess we are? And I don’t know. Like I said, he hardly got a chance to explain anything before I ran. It’s one of my best traits you know,” I gave him a look before I took a drink of my tae.
“For what it’s worth,” he said as he watched me, “You’ve gotten better about pushing people away. At least, when they aren’t being a twat,” the corners of his mouth pulled up a bit at the end.

I smiled as I ran my finger over the edge of my cup, “Do you think I should talk to him?”

“Honestly?” I nodded, “Yeah I think you should. I mean, he’s your only tie to your mom. Even if you don’t want to know about her, he’s… he’s still family. Sort of,” he grimaced and shrugged.

“I don’t even think I want to know about my mom.” I sighed, “It’s so weird you know? I kind of always wondered where she went and now I know. She was in America, and remarried. It’s like… why wasn’t I good enough, and I feel stupid for even thinking like that.”

Silence hung over us for a good minute, “Her leaving had nothing to do with you Ayden. She just… some people just aren’t strong enough to deal with their problems. And it’s not like you had a terrible childhood or anything, you’re aunt treats you like you’re her own daughter. I’ve seen it.”

I smiled at his words, “I know.” I bit my lip, “You don’t think… you don’t think wanting to get to know Daniel will hurt her do you?”

He scoffed, “No. I don’t think she would have invited him into her home if she didn’t want you to know him.”

“I shouldn’t have ran,” I said before I downed the rest of my tea. It burned the back of my throat a bit.
“I understand why you did. That was a lot to take in all at once, even for me.”

I smiled at him, it’s like he always knew what to say. I wish I had a talent like that. I stuck my food out and trapped his ankle between mine. I just needed to touch him. All this news of death made me realize that I don’t want to be away from him, life was too short. “Can I stay the night?” I asked looking down at our intertwined legs.

“Do you even have to ask?”

I looked up at him, catching the warm smile he had, “I don’t know. Things are different, aren’t they?”

“Only if you want them to be,” he shrugged.

I looked down trying to hide the blush when a memory popped into my head, “Remember all those mini fights we used to have-”

He snorted humorously, “Which ones, we had many.”

I glared at him and stuck my tongue out, “The ones about how you were too good for me-”

“You mean how you were too good for me,” he corrected.

I rolled my eyes, “Whatever. You used to say you were too selfish to let anyone else have me. Well that’s how I feel right now. I don’t want to be away from you, I don’t want to waste time apart. I don’t even want to think about the past year we’ve had. I just… I just want to be with you. The good, the bad, the ugly. All of it.”

He looked at me curiously after I said that, “It’s weird, cause I was thinking the same thing when we were in the cemetery.” A blush crept across my face again. He set his mug down on the counter next to him before hopping down and walking over to me. He scooted in between my legs and wrapped his arms around my waist. From our positions, his head came up to right under my chin. He pressed a kiss to my jaw, “I’m right here you know. If you need me for anything.”

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and rested my head on his right, “I know,” I said softly, “Thank you.” We just stood there as he ran his hands up and down my back soothingly.

“Are you tired?”

I shrugged, “Sorta.”

He grabbed my hands and pulled me off the counter, “Come on.” He led me down the hall and up the stairs. I counted about 3 different bedrooms before we finally entered one.

“Your house is massive,” I commented.

He snorted, “Still slightly smaller than Harry’s.”

I looked around his giant master bedroom; his closet doors were open and I could see a stuffed walk in closet beyond. Off to the side there was a bathroom which I just knew was huge as well, “Yeah, but not by much I don’t think.”

He smirked before walking away from me into the closet. I sat myself on his bed, bouncing a bit, “Is this a new bed?”

“Yeah,” he said walking bat towards me holding out a pair of sweats and a shirt, “You can sleep in these.” I took them out of his grasp, then he proceeded to strip down in front of me to his boxers. No shame. His body was significantly more toned since the last time I’d been him this undressed almost 2 months ago. And man did he look fit. “Checking me out?” he asked, snapping me out of my thoughts.

“Yeah,” I said turning away from his stare. There was no point in lying when he’d be able to read the blush on my face anyway. He chuckled and threw himself on the bed while I stood, facing away from him to change. I don’t know why this was so awkward, but it was. I threw the shit and sweats on swiftly then slipped my bra off from under the shirt. When I turned around Niall was staring at me causing me to blush again.

He sat up and pulled the covers down on the empty side of the bed, “Come here.”

I smiled as I crawled in next to him. He pulled me against him as we settled in. He kissed the crown of my head, “Night love.”

“Night.”

*****

No matter what I did, sleep wouldn’t come. Everything from the past few days was just rolling through my head; the backlash I was sure to be getting online from One Direction fans about the news article about Kota and I. The fact that my mother was actually gone, and I had a step brother that flew across the world to meet me.

Niall on the other hand, was fast asleep next to me. I sat up carefully and grabbed my phone from my jeans pocket on the floor. I had a bunch of missed calls and text from Aunt Jenny and Will. I felt bad for ignoring them, but it was just… I didn’t know how to deal with this. I sent Jenny a quick texting letting her know I was okay and I was with Niall and I’d see her tomorrow. I had to talk to her, no use in putting it off.

With nothing better to do, I check through my emails. I had a bunch of photoshoots coming up in the coming days and weeks. One for Drop Dead again, Josh’s DBNO line, and Max’s new line. It felt like I’d just gone through a whole month of shit instead of just 2 days. I haven’t even talked to Blue yet, which was unsettling. I’d picked up the phone to called her countless times since I left my aunt’s house, but I didn’t want to ruin her trip the first day in.

“Hey,” I heard Niall say groggily next to me. I looked down and he was rubbing sleep from his eyes, “Can’t sleep?”

I shrugged, “I rarely can, remember?”

A smile graced his face, “Yeah.” I set my phone down and lay down next to him again. He brushed the hair out of my eyes as he looked at me through half asleep eyes, “How can I help?”

So many things were running through my mind. Talking it out, or going home, but I didn’t want any of that. I just wanted to be here with him, in this moment. So I leaned over and kissed him. He didn’t even hesitate to kiss me back.

I let my body take over then. I rolled on top of him, my hands were all over his skin; his chest, his stomach, his arms. My lips were kissing him chastely, moving from his lips to his neck to his collarbone, then back again. “Hey, hey, hey,” he said as I attacked his neck. “Ayd, slow down.” I stopped and looked down at him. He gave me a small smile, “We’ve got all night, you don’t have to rush anything.”

I bit my lip as my heart beat sped up. “Okay,” I said before reattaching our lips. This time the kisses were slower, deeper, more affectionate. His hands slowly crept up my back, under my shirt before pulled away from our kiss to take it off.

He sat up, bring his lips up to move across my chest, pulling me closer to him. And then I was on my back and he was hovering over me.

Niall’s skin on mine was just what I needed right now.