Can You Find Me?

Niall stayed up with me most of the night. I’d fall asleep for an hour here and there and then I’d roll over, fully awake again and Niall would be right there, pulling himself out of sleep like he was waiting for it.

The dun was up now and we were lying face to face. I brushed my thumb lightly under his eyes, “You didn’t have to wake yourself up every time I moved,” I mumbled.

His hand that was in my hair massaged my neck, “I was worried about you. I was too anxious to actually sleep.

I sighed and buried my face against his chest. He pulled me into him and rubbed my back, “Why did all the shit have to hit the fan all at once?”

“Because that’s one of life’s favorite things.”

“My life,” I declared, “Is a fucking Skins episode!”

He laughed, “Well I hope not. I don’t think I’d care for you to be doing hardcore drugs every night.”

“Might as well, I’d have a lot more fun with all this shit,” I shot.

“Yeah maybe,” he mused.

I moved a bit to try and get more comfortable, my skin rubbing against his. “You know what I noticed from our break up.”

I could feel him tense up, “What’s that.”

“We had a lot of sex,” I laughed. I turned my face to look up at him and his face was bright red.

“Um,” he coughed, “Yeah, I guess we did.”

I glanced at the bedside table, where the wrapper of the condom we used last night sat. “Uh, if we uh… if we’re going to continue this,” I said awkwardly, “You need to stock up on those,” I said point to the table. “Double up, you know? No more accidents.” There I said it. I brought up the cause of our problems.

He tensed again, “Are you still on birth control?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

We laid there then. Not exactly in an awkward silence, but it wasn’t completely comfortable either. I wondered if we’d ever get back to how we used to be before all this. I knew it was up to me to declare if we were back together or not, but I couldn’t bring myself to say the words. Especially with everything else going on in my head as well.

“Hey,” he said softly bringing me out of my thoughts. I looked back up at him, “I love you.”

My heart fluttered, as always, “I love you too.” Maybe those words were all we needed right now.

*****

When I was leaving Niall’s I passed Harry’s house again. I pulled into his driveway when I saw him on his porch swing. “You know,” I said walking up, “This swing is so American of you.” He had a mug of what smelled like hot coffee in his hands and he was wearing a plain white tee and sweats.

He smiled at me as I sat next to him, “It was my mom’s idea, but I quite enjoy it.” He handed me his mug, and I took a small sip before I handed it back. I hated the taste of black coffee. I was a firm believer in massive amounts of sugar. I preferred tea really. “You coming from your boyfriends new house?”

“You mean Niall’s house, yes.”

He gave me a look, “Right.”

I shrugged choosing to ignore that look, “Where’s Kota?”

“Her parent’s house,” he sighed. “She thought it’d be best to take a few days apart.”

“That bad huh?”

“Louis came by last night and yelled at her.”

I scoffed, “Really?”

“Yeah. I was stuck between defending her and joining him. This sucks.”

He pushed his feet back making us rock back and forth more, “Yeah, that’s life I guess.”

“Since you and Niall are still in limbo, why don’t we just date? It’d be so much easier,” he whined jokingly.

I shook my head fighting a smile, “That’d never work.”

“Why not?”

“Many reasons,” I shrugged, “The most important being that you still refuse to admit that the best Smiths album is ‘The World Won’t Listen.’”

He groaned throwing his head back, “I can’t believe you won’t let that go!”

“Of course not! It’s The Smiths!”

“’Stairways, Here We Come’ is the best one, deal with it.”

I scoffed shaking my head, “You’re so uncultured.”

He huffed out a laugh but said nothing. He continued to sip his coffee, offering me some but declining, and just watching the rest of the world wake up. “You okay?” he asked after a long silence.

I shrugged, “Why?”

“Because I don’t think I’ve ever sat this long without you talking since I’ve met you.”

I bit my lip as I pulled one of my knees up against my chest. Where to begin? “Well… are you ready for this?”

“I asked didn’t I?”

Oh, he has no idea, “Well, I found out I have a stepbrother.”

“What?” He said sitting up straighter.

I held my hand up, “Wait, it gets better. My mom ran off to America apparently. Oh and uh,” I cleared my throat, “She died.”

“Holy shit,” he breathed. “Here I am, wallowing in my shit and you’re dealing with- are you okay?”

I nodded, “I’m fine. I haven’t seen or talked to my mom in 10 years, I don’t know how to morn for her. I think coming to terms with having a step brother is more jarring.”

“Wait, just… start from the beginning.” So I told him everything I knew, everything I told Niall.

“And now I’m going to the bakery to talk to my aunt. See about contacting Daniel. I feel like… I feel like I should at least get to know him a little. Maybe… I don’t know, learn about my mom a little through him?” I shrugged, “I don’t even really care about her though honestly.”

He reached over and grabbed my hand, “Do you want me to go with you?”

I smiled at him, “No, but thanks. Niall asked the same thing, but I think I need to do this part alone.”

He nodded, “If you need me though, I’m here. You know that,” he stated.

“I do,” I confirmed.

He was quiet for a moment, “Can I tell the others?”

I shrugged, “You can if you want. I still haven’t told Blue yet. I need to call her later I guess.”

He wrapped an arm around my shoulder comfortingly, “You’ll get through this. We’re all here for you. Plus you’ve gained a brother, how cool is that?”

I shrugged, “I guess it depends on if he wants to stick around.”

“He came all the way here to meet you, that’s gotta mean something.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

*****

I sat with Harry a little but longer before I headed out to go see my aunt. When I got there, Jess and one of the other girls were swamped at the counter. I waved a hello before I headed in the back to find my aunt.

She was in the kitchen, kneading some dough pretty hard, “Take it easy there lady.”

At my voice she whipped around to face me, “Ayden,” she sighed in relief, “I’ve been so worried about you.”

“I texted you last night.”

“I know,” she nodded, “I was still worried about you.” She came over and pulled me into a hug. I didn’t even care that she’d probably gotten flour on me. “Let’s go in the office and talk yeah?” She pulled me by the hand and into her office and we sat at the two chairs in the front of the desk. “Are you alright?”

I laughed dryly, “With the amount of people asking me that I’m not even sure what the right answer is anymore.” I sighed, “But if you’re asking if I’m broken up about hearing that my mother is dead then the answer is no. I’m staring at my mom right now,” I told her.

She got teary eyed at my words, “Oh Ayden. You don’t have to be strong with me, you know that.”

“I know. And I’m being honest. I mean,” I licked over my dry lips, “I’m sad that now, I’ll never be able to get to know her or know why she abandoned me, us. But other than that I feel nothing. I haven’t felt anything for her in a long, long time.” She nodded as I continued, “I’ve got my family, you know? You, Blue and her family. Josh and Max and the guys. Will and the new baby too,” I smiled down at her growing belly. I bit my lip for a moment, “And I have Niall and all of the others too. I don’t need her. I never did.”

We were silent, my confession floating around us. “You forgot something,” she finally said. “You’ve got a stepbrother who’d really like to get to know you.”

I nodded, “Yeah, that.”

She scooted her chair over right next to mine so she could pull me into her, “You’ve got nothing to lose baby.”

I nodded into her chest as she held me, “I know it’s just… I feel like I’m jealous of him you know? Even though I know I didn’t miss out on anything, and I love this unconventional family of mine, he still got like, 10 years with her that I didn’t. Why was he and his father better than me?”

She kissed my head, “You’re mom had her issues love. She always had. She ran away from all her problems, your father was the only thing that kept her grounded. When he died I don’t think she even knew how to handle it.”

“So leaving her kid with her younger sister was the best option?”

“I’m not going to make excuses for her Ayd. I never have. But what’s done is done.” The finality in her voice was shocking even though I knew the truth in it.

I sat up and kissed her cheek, “I love you auntie. I don’t know what I would have done if you weren’t always there for me.”

She brushed some hair out of my face, “We did good together, growing up didn’t we?”

“We did indeed.”

“Are you… are you okay?” With all my own feelings I’d completely ignored the fact that’s she’d lost a sister. Her parents, my grandparents had died a long time ago. They were old when they had had my mother and aunt.

She sighed, “I’m taking it better than I ever thought I would. I’m just more focused on how you are.”
“I’m okay. I promise.”

She patted my thigh before reached over for something on her desk. She handed me a folded piece of paper, “Daniel’s number,” she said, “And where he’s staying for the week. You should go see him.”

I opened the paper and stared down at her handwriting that held so much unknown for me. I sighed, “Okay.”

*****

I stared up at the hotel with apprehension. I’d been standing outside of it for about 20 minutes trying to get up the courage to go in. With one final sigh I pulled my phone out and dialed the number.

“Hello?”

“I’m trying not to turn around and forget this ever happened.”

“You haven’t gone in yet?”

“Don’t judge me Niall.”

“I’m not,” I heard the smile in his voice. “You gotta do it though babe.”

I bit my lip as I looked up at the building. I knew he was right, everyone was. “Okay,” I sighed out, “But can I see you later?”

“Absolutely.”

“Okay.” I stared at the building for a while longer, “Okay, I’m gonna do it.”

“It’ll be fine babe. I know it.”

I glanced around at the people walking by, “I know. I’m gonna call him. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Sure.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

When we hung up I pulled the paper my aunt gave me and dialed Daniel’s number. He picked up on one of the last rings, “Hello?”

“Oh uh, hi, Daniel? This is Ayden.”

“Yeah, hey,” he sounded more alert with the conversation.

I cleared my throat, “So I’m uh… not to sound like a creeper or anything but I’m outside of your hotel.”

He laughed, “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Do you maybe wanna go to a café or something and talk?”

“Yeah, I’ll be down in like 10 minutes.”

“Cool.”

*****

I took Daniel to one of my and Blue’s favorite coffee shops. He ordered a coffee and proceeded to put so much creamer in it that it turned almost white. I smiled at that, seeing as I tended to do that same, “Do you not like coffee?”

He looked up started, “What? Oh no I do, but it’s bitter without a bunch of flavoring you know?”

I nodded as I sipped my tea. I took in his appearance as I did so; his brown hair that was tossed carelessly into a messy style, tight jeans, vans on his feet, and a faded Kurt Cobain shirt on. “You like Nirvana?”

He glanced down at his shirt then smiled back up at me, “Oh yeah. I think I know all their songs by heart.”

My ears perked up at that, “Are you a big fan of music?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, “Mostly rock and metal and stuff like that but I’ve been known to branch out.” He paused and stared at me, “You know when I saw you yesterday I recognized you, but I wasn’t sure why.”

I nodded, “I get that a lot.” Because I did.

“You were in a Bring Me The Horizon video weren’t you?”

Now it was my turn to look started, “Yeah. You know them?”

“I love them.” He continued, “You model for his line too right?”

I rolled my eyes, “I wouldn’t call what I do ‘modeling’ but yeah. What do you do?” I asked trying to turn the conversation off me.

He shrugged, “I’m in community college right now. I can’t decide on a major to save my life, so I’m just floating along. But I’m taking the year off to deal with… well you know.”

I winced at that, “Where are you from?”

“Orange County,” he cleared his throat, “It’s uh, in California. Near LA.”

Oh course my mother would end up in a place that I’d fallen in love with in the states, “I know where that is.”

I looked away from him as I picked at my biscuit, “She talked about you sometimes you know,” he said.

“She did?”

He nodded, “Yeah. But she always said you were better off without her in your life. She never really talked about it a lot, at least not with me around.” I just nodded at this. I don’t know what I expected to hear really. “If it makes a difference, my dad really loved her.”

I smiled and shrugged, “That’s lovely. I just… I really haven’t thought about her in years you know?”

He nodded as a heavy silence fell over us. I mean, what do you say to a complete stranger who just happened to be the son of someone your estranged mother was married too? He sighed, “I know this is awkward. But I’d like to get to know you. Silver lining in losing my dad. I’ve always wanted siblings you know? And I’m hoping… I’m hoping we can… be friends at least?”

He looked really sincere with everything he was saying which really hit me. I’d never really thought about siblings, not seriously anyway, I mean I had Blue, my sister. “I’d like that. I’ve got a pretty big family, why not make room for one more?”

“Do you have other siblings?”

I shook my head, “No, not exactly. My best friend Blue, I’ve known her since birth, she’s like my sister. And I’ve got my aunt who’s about to have a baby of her own. Plus a lot of… interesting characters who’ve adopted me,” I smirked.

“That’s awesome,” he laughed. “I’ve just got my mom, grandparents, an aunt and uncle and a cousin I can’t stand.”

I was laughing at this when I heard loud giggling. I looked across the café to where a group of teenage girls were staring at me, at us. I sighed, “So, there’s something I need to explain,” I said as he glanced over at the girls too.

“You have a fan club?”

“They’re not mine. Well not really.” I sighed, “So I’m really into music, and I’ve known bands in the scene and stuff,” I explained.

“I kind of got that, since you know Bring Me The Horizon.”

I nodded, “Yeah, and I’m kind of… well my… well it’s complicated but the guy I’m sort of seeing is in a famous band.”

He eyed me then eyed the girls, “Like, how famous?”

I couldn’t keep the smile off my face at the face he was making, “Have you heard of One Direction?”

And then he laughed. Like giggling! “Yes I have. My ex likes them.”

“Yeaaaaah,” I dragged out, “I’m linked to Niall.”

“I have no idea which one that is,” he shook his head, “Is he the dark one?”

I snorted at his choice of words, “No, it’s the Irish one,” he just stared at me, “The blonde?”

He nodded, “Yeah I really don’t remember what they look like.”

“Yeah, well, anyways,” I eyed the girls again, “Being friends with One Direction comes with that rubbish.”

“I can see how it could get annoying.”

And this is how we continued to spend the day. In the café talking about everything, trying to get to know each other. Once we got back to the subject of music though, things got interesting.

Daniel had a great taste in music. Well, except for his choice of Smith albums. All the lads in my life seem to completely ignore ‘Stairways, Here We Come’ and it made me massively depressed.

The more I talked with him, the more I was warming up to the idea of having a brother. We never did go back to the subject of our parents, but maybe that could wait for another time.

A few girls did end up coming up to me, asking is I could sign a DropDead spread that was in Kerrang, and ask for pictures.

“Only one day with you and I’m completely overwhelmed with your life,” Daniel said as we made our way out of the Café.

I nodded, “Yeah, it’s still hard getting used to. It all happened so fast. The modeling and One Direction and all that,” I explained.

“I can imagine.”

We were walking back towards his hotel when I got an idea, “Do you wanna meet him? Niall?”

“The boyfriend, right?”

I shrugged, “He’s something like that.”

“Is this where I should start trying my hand at a big brother speech or something?”

I laughed, “I don’t know, you wanna give it a go?”

He thought for a minute, “I think… I don’t know enough to give a speech. Not that I’m the best one to be giving relationship advice.”

“Yeah well, maybe another time. So how about it?”

He shrugged, “Sure, why not. When in Rome and what not.”

I snorted, “When in London, meet the biggest British boy band around?”

“Yeah, same thing.”

I shook my head, “Come on.”