Can You Find Me?

I was pulled out of sleep because I was extremely hot, to the point I was starting to sweat. I tried to move, and that’s when I realized Niall was practically on top of me. I whipped the sleep out of my eyes before I opened them and looked down at the blonde lad who was wrapped around me. He had his head in my neck, and his torso was on top of my chest, arms around me, a leg shoved in between mine. I sighed as I rested my head back against the pillow. Spending almost a year without him almost made me forget that he always seemed to find his way on top of me in his sleep.

It wouldn’t matter how big the bed was and what side we fell asleep on, I’d always wake to a Nialler on me. This morning, his heat and the sun rays hitting me from the window, it was like laying in a sauna. I ran my fingers through his hair massaging his scalp, “Niall,” I sighed and shook him a bit. “Niall you’re suffocating me.”

He stirred a bit and groaned. His arms around my waist tightened, “Shh, more sleep.”

“That’d be much easier if your skin wasn’t sticking to mine. You’re like a heater Ni,” I pushed at his shoulder again.

He seemed to wake up more and took the hint and rolled onto his back, “Sorry,” he said groggily.

I let out a tired giggly, “its okay. It happens pretty much every time we share a bed, I’m used to it.” But as soon as he was off of me I kicked all the covers off of me and embraced the cool air that hit my clammy skin. I glanced over at the clock on Niall’s bedside table, it was still kind of early, a little after 9 in the morning. I was still tired and I didn’t have work today, which I was grateful for. I rolled onto my side to face lad who loved to use me as a pillow. He was on his back and had his arm slung over his eyes. He was shirtless and his chest was rising and falling at a speed that I knew he hadn’t fallen back to sleep yet. “Do you have to be at the studio today?”

He lowered his arm at turned to me. His eyes were half open with sleep, “No, we’ve got a day off. I’m going out to a pub with the lads tonight though.” He arched his back in a stretched and kicked the blankets off him as well, “Bloody hell, it is hot in here.”

“Not now that you’re not on top of me.”

He smiled softly as his face turned red, “Sorry about that. I don’t know why I always find my way to you in my sleep.”

“Because even sleep you knows I am amazing.”

He laughed and grabbed my hand that was lying between us. He started kissing across my knuckles and fingers, “Just can’t stand to be away from you even in my sleep I suppose,” he smirked and I just scoffed out a laugh. “You wanna come out with us tonight?”

I shook my head, “No, I’ve got plans to see a movie with Blue,” I mumbled before rolling over so I was on my stomach, my side pressing lightly to his. I was still tired and I was fully ready to fall back into a slumber if not for more than an hour or two. “Now that you’re not suffocating me,” she smirked at him before shutting her eyes.

He hummed at my words but didn’t say anything. I felt him move a bit before I felt him start to lazily trail his fingers across my back, drawing random shapes as he went. It was soothing, his touch, and it was almost lulling me back into slumber. “Can I ask you something?” he asked softly before kissing my shoulder.

“Mmhmm,” I mumbled without opening my eyes.

“When we were apart, did you,” he faltered and cleared his throat, “were you with anyone else?”

My eyes shot open and I gave him a curious look, “Do you really wanna have this conversation?”

“I don’t think I like that answer…”

I sighed and rolled back over, “Yeah, there was a guy… In Australia. It was right after you broke up with me but it wasn’t anything really.”

“Did you sleep with him?” He was looking down away from my eyes.

“God,” I sighed. This was not the time for this conversation, this conversation shouldn’t ever happen actually. I didn’t care who he was with while we were broken up. I assumed there were a handful of girls, “No Niall, I didn’t sleep with him. Even if I did, it shouldn’t matter, we weren’t together,” I snapped.

“Okay, I’m sorry!” He rolled onto his back to stare up at the ceiling, “I shouldn’t have brought it up, I just…” he broke off.

He wanted to say more, I know he did. I could practically hear his mind racing, “What is it Niall, just say it.”

“I made out with Hanna. About a month ago when I was getting ready to move in to this house.”

Somehow, I wasn’t surprised by his confession. I knew there had to have been something there. I sighed, “So? I kind of figured.” I sat up, giving up on anymore sleep, “Is that what this conversation’s about? Do you feel guilty or something?”

He sat up as well, “I guess so. I don’t know.”

“Niall,” I sighed out, “I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to worry about what happened before. That includes whatever we did or didn’t do while we were broken up. Unless you have feelings for Hanna, I don’t care.”

“I don’t have feelings for her,” he said looking me in the eyes, “I just didn’t want you to find out unless it was from me.”

I nodded, “Well thanks for telling me.” I was grateful he told me, I just didn’t want to discuss this. Even though I was okay with his confession, and I already had a feeling it happened, it still kind of hurt. So I really just wanted to move on.

“Come here,” he said holding out his arms for me. I crawled over and leaned into his chest as his arms encircled me. Our skin was still a big clammy but I didn’t care. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“It’s fine.”

He pulled us down against the bed, and I rolled in his arms so we were facing each other. He grabbed the Peter Pan necklace that I never took off and started playing with it between his fingers. He licked his lips, “Have you talked to your brother.”

“Yeah,” I yawned, “We’ve texted a few times since he landed back in California the other day.”

“So you know when you’re gonna go out and see him?”

I shook my head, “No. Maybe next month that way I’ll be back in plenty of time to help my aunt before she pops.” I smiled thinking about a conversation I had with my aunt, “Did I tell you they’ve decided to keep the sex of the baby a surprise?”

“Really? They aren’t dying in suspense like the rest of us?”

“Apparently not,” I laughed. “I’m so ready for him or her to get here.”

“Just three more months babe.” His hand let go of my necklace and grazed down the side of my arm, “I can’t believe you trusted Harry enough to tattoo you.”

“What can I say,” I shrugged, “My bond with that curly headed fuck runs deep. Who’d a thought?” He hummed and lazily draped his arm over my waist. I sighed contently, my head using his arm as a pillow. I ran my fingers lightly across his jaw and his lips. He lightly kissed my fingers, “These are probably my favorite moments.”

“What’s that?”

I shrugged, “Laying here with you and just talking.”

“They’re mind too. Anytime alone with you are my favorite.”

“I have turned Niall Horan into a total cheese ball.”

He let out a big hearty laugh and leaned over me, burying his face in my neck, “Always.”

I sighed contently, “We should get up.”

“No,” he moaned.

“Yes,” I argued. “I have to go to my aunts for a bit, and I also need to make a stop at Louis’.”

After nudging him, he finally sat up and let me get up, “Are you going to talk to him about Dakota?”

“’Talk,’ sure.”

“Ayden,” he warned.

“Yes Niall, talking. Unless he gives me the Louis attitude, then the gloves are off.”

*****

“To what do I owe this surprise visit?” Louis said as he let me into his house.

I tossed my bag onto his couch, “Oh I think you know.”

“Dakota go crying to you then?”

“Louis,” I sighed, “What’s your deal?”

“You know what my ‘deal’ is.” He walked over and sat on the couch.

I remained standing, “Louis,” I hissed. “She knows she made a mistake, why can’t you just let it go.”

“Because she broke my best friend’s heart!” he snapped. “First the whole break up bullshit-”

“She didn’t have a choice Louis,” I cut him off.

He rolled his eyes, “Yes she did. She should have told one of us. Especially Zayn, he’s like her sister or some bullshit. Things didn’t have to escalate the way they did. And she sure as fuck didn’t have to sleep with that Sykes twat.”

“Do you hear yourself Lou?! I get that you’re pissed she hurt Harry, who wouldn’t be?” I sighed, “But he’s trying to get passed it, they’re trying to work on their relationship, and they can’t when you’re constantly creating tension and animosity around all the time.” I sat down on the couch next to him, “I know it’s hard to let your pride go and forgive, trust me. But you need to try. If not for Kota’s benefit, than at least for Harry’s.”

He sighed, defeated, “I hear you, yeah? It’s just every time I’m around her I’m reminded of how gutted he was when they broke up. And now it’s like it’s happening all over again. That and I just picture that douche with his slimy hands all over her,” he made a gagging noise.

I rolled my eyes fighting a smirk, “Do you ever know why you hate them?”

He shrugged, “Someone started it.”

“You’re almost 22, maybe it’s time to be the bigger lad?”

He scoffed, “Not in my nature love.”

“Yeah, yeah. Just… go easy on Kota yeah? Harry really needs our support. Kota does too.”

“I’ll try. But I’m still fucking irritated.”

“Why don’t you try talking to her?” I offered, “I mean, she is one of your friends too you know.”

He groaned, “El said the same thing last night.”

“Well then listen to us!”

“Jeez, alright. You birds need to calm down!”

“We will when you put your big boy pants on.”

He smacked my thigh playfully. “So are you and Nialler doing alright?” I couldn’t fight the smile that graced my face when he brought up my favorite lad. “I’ll take that as a yes,” he laughed.

“We’re amazing.”

“Picking up right where you left off?”

I shrugged, “More or less. I wanted to take things slow this time, but I don’t think we can help it.”

“When it’s right, it’s hard to stop it. I knew I loved Eleanor almost instantly.” He shrugged, “I know I want to marry her someday, if things go right, you know.”

“That doesn’t freak out you?”

“Not at all. I’d marry her right now if I knew she’d say yes.”

I looked at him curiously, “She wouldn’t?”

He shrugged, “She might, but I don’t want to have her give anything up you know? Maybe once she finishes school and the band slows down a bit. Who knows?”

I hummed taking in all his words. I was always jealous of people who were always so sure of things. I always seemed to second guess every single thing I’ve ever done or thought and it was such a pain in the ass. “What are you doing today?”

“Nothing until later tonight. El has class all day.”

“Wanna go baby shopping with me? I need to find a bunch of unisex outfits for my little cousin that’s on the way.”

“Unisex?”

“Apparently they’re keeping it a surprise until they grace us with their presents.”

He chuckled, “Yeah sure. Let’s go shopping.”

*****

She hasn’t flat out said it, but I’m pretty sure Blue is thinking about moving in with Max. I tried to get something out of her on our ‘girls night out’ but she kept denying it. I think it was mostly out of guilt of leaving me behind.

I followed her into her room once we got back to our flat after the movie, “Admit it, something’s up with you and Maxi,” I pressed.

She sighed dramatically and threw herself on her bed, “No there’s not.”

“You haven’t even slept in your bed once in the last few months.”

“That doesn’t mean I’m moving in with Max. He’s living with Josh.”

“Like you can’t get your own place?” I argued.

She rolled over onto her stomach and looked up at me. “Not that I’m saying we are,” she sighed, “But we’ve sort of, offhandedly discussed living together. But I don’t think it’s anytime soon.”

“Why not?” I shrugged, “You’re practically living in sin already.”

“I don’t know,” she crossed her legs under her. “I think…” she bit her lip, “I think we might be talking about doing something else first.”

“That’s vague…” I looked at her curiously. She was blushing pretty hard, and she rarely does such a thing. “Bluuuue,” I dragged out.

“I think, well a few weeks ago we were talking about our future. I mean we’ve been together almost 3 years,” she shrugged.

I fell on the bed next to her, “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” My heart was beating so fast and this wasn’t even about my life!

“We’ve kind of played around with the idea of marriage.”

And there it was! “Oh my god, Blue! That’s huge!”

“We aren’t engaged or anything,” she said quickly, “We were just discussing it.”

“Still Blue. I’m so happy for you,” and I honestly was. What was with this marriage theme today though? First Louis and now Blue. Blue! My best friend was walking about getting married?! Meanwhile, I was worried Niall and I, in our renewed relationship, were moving too fast.

“Thanks, but nothing is confirmed, it was just talk at this point.”

“Still,” I smiled and sighed, “It’s like, everyone’s got their shit together but me,” I laughed.

“You just need to stop over thinking every little thing. Just go with the flow.”

“I’ll try.”

“Now come on, enough talk about what may or may not happen. We’ve got coffee ice cream in the fridge that needs to be eaten!”

*****

At almost 3 in the morning, after Blue ran off to her boyfriend’s house, you know, the one she’s not living with, I got a call from Niall. “Baaaaby!” he sang into the phone. Oh was he drunk.

“Hey Nialler,” I laughed.

“I’m almost home,” he slurred. “Will you come over?”

I laughed, “It’s late Ni.”

“So?” He hiccupped. “Pleeeease,” he whined.

I sighed, “Fine. I’ll be there in a bit.”

“Can it be a quick bit? Liam’s dropping me off right now,” I heard a car door slam in the background.

I chuckled, “I’ll be there as fast as I can you twat.”

He let out a loud drunken laugh, “I love you!”

“Yeah I love you too.” I hung up on him and got up to throw some jeans on and get my shoes before I drove to his house.

When I finally did get to his house, I was waiting outside knocking for like 5 minutes, “I need to give you a key,” he slurred when he finally opened the door. “I’m too drunk for stairs and doors,” he hiccupped.

“How much did you drink?” I laughed and slipped by him into his house.

He shut the door and I instantly felt his hands at the hem of my shirt, “I don’t know. A lot. Louis kept ordering drinks.”

“And of course that means you have to drink them.”

“Obviously,” he said against the skin of my neck.

I chuckled, “Come on Irish. Let’s get you upstairs yeah?”

He spun me around, “And naked?” he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

I shook my head and laughed, “Come on.” I helped him stumble up the stairs, he laughing every time he stumbled. It was quite amusing, I’ll give him that. I lead him to his bed and sat him down. He kicked his shoes off and pulled his shirt off quickly. “Slow down babe,” I giggled. He hiccupped again and let out a loud belch, “Classy.”

He looked up at me with a lazy smile, “I was talking to Louis,” he slurred.

“Well I’m sure you did, you were out with him and the lads.”

He shook his head, “About the future.” Of course, because that was the theme of the day, the future.
“Were you?” I humored. “You smell like a pub babe. Come on, let’s sleep it off.”

“No not yet.” He pushed off the bed and landed on his knees between me and the bed, “Marry me.”

Oh Jesus. “Niall, come on.” I was going to have to kill Louis.

I tried to lift him back up but he swatted my hands away, “No, babe I’m serious!”

“How much have you drank? How drunk are you?”

“A lot,” he admitted, “and probably really drunk. But I want to marry you. Let’s get married. We can go to Vegas!” he said excitedly. “When you go see your brother, we can go to Vegas.”

Anxiety crept up my spine, but so did flattery, “Niall-” I tried again.

“I know we’ve only been back together a few days,” he paused to burp. “But I know I don’t want anyone but you, believe me.”

“You’re so gone right now,” I laughed trying to help him up again but he dodged it.

He wrapped his arms around my thighs and stared up at me, “Please, pleeeeease! Marry me Ayden.” He reached up and pulled my necklace out from under my shirt, “We can exchange an acorn and a thimble like Peter Pan. Fuck rings, that’s overdone.” He gasped, “We can get matching tattoos after! You’re brother can give you away!”

“Niall!” I snapped. “You’re really drunk right now and-” I broke off. I saw his face go from red and blotchy because of the alcohol in his system to almost green. “Oh god, you’re going to throw up. Come on,” I lifted him the best I could and dragged him to the lou. He lunged for toilet as soon as I pushed the door open and he wasted no time emptying the contents of his stomach in the bowl. I sat myself on the edge of the tub and rubbed his back as he threw up, trying to breathe through my mouth so didn’t get sick myself.

As he continued to upchuck all that he drank that night I let everything he said roll through my mind. Why was everyone talking about the future and marriage today? I know he’s drunk, but what the fuck is Niall thinking? We’ve been back together for about 72 hours, we were nowhere near ready for a marriage proposal.

“Ayden,” he groaned. He was breathing heavily and leaning on his arm on the toilet bowl. He was looking up at me with half lidded eyes, “I’m serious.” He hummed, “Marry me.”

I smiled but shook my head, “I’m flattered popstar, I really am. But no.”

“Why not?”

“You want a list?” He spit in the toilet and then nodded. I sighed, “Well for one, we’re still really young. You’re 20, I’m 21. You’re touring all the time. We just got back together.” I ran a hand through my hair, “There’s still a lot of things I wanna do before I settle down like that. And our families would be so pissed if we just eloped to Vegas.”

“We can have a big wedding if you want.”

“I don’t know what I want,” I shrugged. “That’s part of the point. We’re so young Niall and we’ve got so much time to think about our future, we don’t have to rush it now.”

“I don’t want to wait though,” he said stubbornly. “I want to marry you now.”

“Now? Right before you put out a new album? You wanna get married when you’re going to be going on tour within the next year? We’d be apart more than we’d be together love.”

“You can come with me.”

I sighed, “Niall, no. Not right now, if you really love me and want to marry me, you can wait. You probably won’t even remember this tomorrow.”

“Yes I will,” he argued.

I laughed, “Well okay. Then we can discuss it more then if you want. But right now, I’m done with this argument.”

“We aren’t arguing,” he groaned.

“Well still. Next time you propose to me, you better be sober and not puking your guts out. And a ring might help,” I shrugged.

“Who says I don’t have a ring?

“Do you?”

“No.”

I laughed, “That’s what I thought.”

He whipped the sweat off his brow, “I’m gonna propose until you say yes.”

“Whatever you say Irish.”