Can You Find Me?

I was tired as I walked into the studio Wednesday morning, “Hey Mike, I need to be out of here by 3,” I told our producer.

He turned his attention from the sound board to me, “Alright, well, I’ve already set up for Zayn, but I’ll get you in next, yeah?”

“Thanks,” I nodded and walked over to the couch and fell down next to Louis. He, Zayn and I were the first one in the studio that morning. Liam should be here any second with Harry.

Louis leaned in my direction on the couch, “So it’s true then?”

“What’s true?” I asked messing with my phone.

“That you and Ayden are having your ‘talk’ today.”

I glanced up at him, “Who told you that?”

He shrugged, “My girlfriend, obviously.”

“How you think it’s gonna go?” Zayn asked jumping into our exchange.

I shrugged, “If it were completely up to me, we’d get back together.”

“Ah, but it’s not up to you, is it,” Lou stated.

“No. It’s all up to her.”

“Well things could go that way, you never know.”

“But I do,” I shook my head, “She’s made it pretty clear that she doesn’t want much to do with me. Even the friendship thing was like pulling teeth.”

“Well you did break up with her over a phone,” Louis shot.

“While drunk,” Zayn added.

I glared at them, “Thanks, you cunts. I know what I did yeah? I’m trying to fix it!”

“Alright, we’ll stop giving you a hard time. Just apologize to her and tell her how you feel. Be yourself,” Louis patted me on the shoulder.

“Yeah,” I mumbled.

“And don’t push her,” Zayn added. “If she’s not ready, don’t give her a hard time about it. She’s still gonna be around so you still have all the time you need to win her back no matter how this conversation goes.”

*****

“You guys wanna get food after this? I’m starving!” Matt whined. We were halfway through a You Me At Six cover shoot for Kerrang. Blue was shooting it (yes, it is a huge deal- it’s the cover!) and I tagged along to hang out with everyone.

“Well if you stop bitching we could get done faster,” Blue snapped. She took a few more pictures before she stood to change her memory card, “I’m gonna do individuals next, so whoever wants to go first…”

“I will,” Max volunteered.

The rest of the band snickered, and made side comments about being whipped as they walked away from the backdrop. Josh came over and fell into the chair next to mine, “I love the new ink, by the way.”

I glanced down at my arm. The tattoo was healing nicely, “Thanks.

“So how’s my girl?”

I shook my head, “Don’t call me that. Makes me feel like a child.”

He nudged his arm into mine, “Fine. But how you doin’? How’s your aunt doing?”

“Fine. She’s running around looking at houses and baby stuff. Her and Will are massively excited.”

“I can only imagine how crazy that kid will turn out with you and Blue influencing it,” he laughed.

I smacked him, “Hey! We’ll be fantastic role models!”

He laughed with me, “Yeah that’s true. You know Oli’s starting up a kid line for Drop Dead, maybe the little on can follow in your footsteps.”

“I’m so getting him or her a onesie. It’ll be the best dressed baby around!”

“Hey Ayd,” Chris said walking over, “You going to get food with us after?”

I shook my head, “No I can’t, I’ve got plans.”

“You’re so boring!” Dan shot as he walked by to change places with Max. Chris rolled his eyes and followed after his band mate.

“What ‘plans’ do you have missy?” Josh asked once it was just the two of us again.

I sighed, “I’m uh, going to Niall’s. We’ve got a lot to talk about.”

“Ah,” he smirked, “‘Talk,’” he said holding up quotations, “Use protection, yeah?”

“Shut up,” I rolled my eyes, “It’s not like that.”

“That’s what we all say, but then there’s unfinished business and all that…”

I glared at him, “Are you just saying this cause you’re team Niall?”

“Maybe a little bit,” he smiled cheekily at me. “But seriously, just be careful, yeah?”

“I will.”

“I’m serious though. Don’t let him be a dick like I was to you.”

I eyed him, “That was a mature thing for you to admit. But I won’t, don’t worry.”

“I just know what it’s like to still pine over someone you’re still in love with but know you shouldn’t be with.”

I knew he was talking about Molly. They’d broken up about a month ago, but he hasn’t really talked about it and it wasn’t my place to pry. I reached over and grabbed his hand, “If I can talk to Niall, you can talk to Molly.”

He shrugged, “It’s complicated. But good luck today, yeah?”

I nodded, “Thanks.”

*****

I was sitting in the car park of Niall’s building trying to find the courage to go up. I knew we had to talk to move forward, but I just knew at some point during this I’d get hurt. I was a give in and I didn’t know if I really wanted to go through it.

There was a knock on my window causing me to shriek. I looked over and Niall leaned down into my vision. I sighed trying to calm my speeding head and rolled the window down, “You’ve been down here at least ten minutes you know that right?” I was embarrassed that he’d caught me. “If you don’t want to talk, that’s-”

“No, its fine, I do.” I rolled my window back up and got out of my car. He stepped back, moving out of my way. When I was out I noticed a few paparazzi mulling around, “Shit,” I sighed.

“They’ve been out here since I got home. I’m sorry,” he placed his hand at the base of my back, “Come on.” He didn’t drop his hand until we were in his building, but my skin was still tingling where he’d touched me. In the lift, I took the time to actually look at him. I hate to admit that he looked good because that would make it so much harder on me. He was wearing jeans, a baseball tee and a backwards snapback. God, couldn’t he wear like, anything else?! “Can I get you something to drink or something?” He asked once we were up in his flat.

“Uh, sure.” As he disappeared into his kitchen I stood in his living room, not sure what to do. It’s weird how awkward and out of place I felt in a place I used to feel so at home in.

Niall came back quickly and handed me a Pepsi can, “So uh, should we sit?” he asked gesturing to the couch. I nodded and we walked over and sat down. There was sort of an awkward silence, us just sitting there. I hadn’t bothered to open my drink, I just thought I’d be rude to decline his offer. He cleared his throat, “Should I go first?”

I shrugged, “Yeah if you’d like.”

He was quiet for a little long, the look of concentration on his face. He sighed before he started talking, “The way I handled things… I just,” he sighed again, “I should have just talked to you instead of letting myself get in my head.”

I bit my lip, “What happened though?”

“After the pregnancy scare, I was so terrified that you were going to drop me. It was like every time we talked I was waiting for you to break up with me. When you came out to LA, I was so sure that was when you were going to do it.”

“I wasn’t going to break up with you,” I said when he paused. “You told me not to shut you out, remember? So I wasn’t.”

He ran his hands through his hair, pushing his hat off, “I know,” he sighed, “And I’m sorry. There is no way for me to explain to you just how sorry I am for how I handled things. It’s the biggest regret of my life Ayden.” He tossed his hat haphazardly on the coffee table and ran his hands over his face. “The morning after, when I texted you… I was so angry at myself for what I did while I was drunk that I convinced myself that you deserved better. I still think you do! But I’m selfish and I want to work this out and get you back,” he finally glanced up at me after he said that.

I looked down at my hands, taking in everything he’d said. I was still put off with the whole thing, but at least now I kind of understood it. “Niall I… I can forgive you for being a wanker, and I can forgive you for the way you handled the whole situation, but-”

“Please don’t say ‘but.’ There’s no way to save this?”

“I didn’t say that. Look, I can forgive you for everything, but I can’t seem to forget it. I’m still angry, bloody pissed off even. You hurt me Niall. You told me you were in love with me, yet you treated me like I meant nothing by getting pissed and dumping me over the phone. I bloody skype breakup would have been better!” I snapped. I’d finally got the chance to yell at him, yet I still didn’t feel better about anything. The look on his face was killing me, he looked miserable and I wanted nothing more that to comfort him, but I couldn’t. I can’t just completely forget what he did. And getting back together while I was still angry wouldn’t be fair to him.

“Can I ask you something?” he said, eyes casted down to the floor.

“Yeah.”

He sighed, “I mean… are we done? For good?”

“I don’t know. I just need a little space. It wouldn’t be fair for me to just get back together with you. I’m angry and bitter and I’d just be taking it out on you.”

“So should I wait for you?”

I shook my head, “I can’t ask you that.”

“You don’t have too Ayden!” He barked. He cleared his throat, “I just, I don’t want anyone but you. I can’t even look at other birds without missing you.”

There was a pang in my heart when he said that. I wanted to reach out and grab his hand but I didn’t think that’d be a good idea. “I love you. Okay? I do, so much. But I just think… I just think we need to take some time. We rushed into so much when we were together, I just think we need some breathing time.”

“So a break?”

I shrugged, “If that’s what you wanna call it. We can still be friends, I told you I’d try and be friends. You can date other girls if you want too, I won’t hold it against you. I just… I need, I need to focus on me for a while.”

He nodded, “Okay. But we’re still friends? You’re not going to completely disappear from my life are you?”

I gave him a sad smile, “Not unless you want me too.”

He rolled his eyes at me but smiled softly, “I think I’ve made it clear that I don’t want to live without you Ayd.”

“Yeah, okay,” I nodded. “I should… I should go,” I stood up.

He stood up with me, “Oh, okay.” We stood there awkwardly, not sure what to do. He rubbed at his neck, “Can I get a hug? Friends hug right?”

I shrugged, “I guess so?”

He walked over and pulled me into his arms. I cautiously wrapped my arms around his shoulders as he buried his face in my neck. It felt so familiar being in his arms that my heart panged again. His scent, the way his arms rested perfectly against the base of my back- I didn’t want to leave and I could tell he didn’t either.

After a moment we pulled away slowly. Before we got too far about he reached up and pulled the chain of my necklace out of my shirt. He fingered the charms as he stared down at them, “I noticed at Louis’ party that you still wore it,” he said softly.

“I can’t bring myself to bring it off.”

I don’t know what happened then. One moment we were just staring at each other then the next we were kissing. And he wasn’t playing fair either, he was kissing me the way that made me turn to mush, yet I couldn’t stop kissing him back. My mind was screaming at me to stop but I just didn’t want to- I couldn’t. If felt too good, too right, too familiar and safe.

That’s why I didn’t stop it when we found our way to his bedroom.

*****

Ayden wasted no time jumping out of the bed and getting redressed, “Ayden-”

“Please don’t say anything,” she asked. She was turned away from me as she hooked on her bra before pulling on her jeans. Her bright red hair made her skin look paler than it was. “That shouldn’t have happened, I’m sorry.”

“Ayden,” I sighed, “You don’t have to apologize, we both did it. ‘It takes two,’ and all that,” I tried to lighten the mood.

After her shirt was back on she faced me. She smiled lightly but it didn’t reach her eyes. I knew her well enough to know when she was faking it, “I just… This doesn’t change anything, yeah? We’re still going our separate ways.”

I fell back against the pillows. I was annoyed, I knew that post breakup sex wouldn’t change anything, especially because I knew she was so intent on this break. “I know,” I finally sighed. “Don’t worry, I get it.”

She sat on the bed and pulled her Doc Martins on, “I’ll see you later. You can come by the bakery tomorrow and I’ll hook you up.”

“You don’t have to give me free baked goods because you feel guilty. It’s fine. Let’s just call it goodbye sex okay?”

She nodded, “Fine. But you can still get a free cupcake. It’s the friend discount.”

I smiled at her, “Yeah, I remember.”

*****

I don’t think I’ve ever run out of Niall’s flat so fast. What the fuck was I thinking? That didn’t help anything, all it did was make me want to stay in that bed with him the rest of the day and never leave.

When I got down to my car, there was even more paparazzi out on the street. I booked it to my car as fast as I could, but I knew it didn’t matter, they got the pictures they wanted. I checked my phone as I got in and saw I had a missed call and text from Kota about an hour ago wanting to hang out. I debated just texting her back that I was busy, but I did miss her, and… well maybe if I told her about what happened with Niall she could help me make sense of my idiotic decisions.

“Hey, did you still wanna hang out?” I asked once she answered.

“Yeah, come over.”

“I’ll be there in 15 minutes.”

*****

She didn’t warn me that Harry was there. I walked into her flat and there he was, lounging on her couch. “I didn’t know Harry was here.”

He rolled his eyes, “I’m right here you know. I can hear you.”

I fell down on the chair next to where he was as Dakota sat next to him. “So did you just come from Niall’s? How was the talk?” she asked. Both her and Harry turned and gave me their full attention.

I glanced between the two of them, “Um, it went fine.”

“Are you back together?” Harry asked.

“No. We’re taking time to ourselves.”

Kota nodded, “Like a break?”

“Yeah.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Harry said holding both his hands up, “Do you both know you’re on a break?”

I glared at him, “If that’s a decade old Friends reference?”

“Friends references are always appropriate, don’t get snappy at me missy.”

“Hey, focus,” Kota snapped. “So what happened, you just decided to be friends?”

“Yeah, for now. I’m still too angry to be with him, it wouldn’t be fair.”

They both nodded taking in my words. “I have one question though,” Harry said resting his chin on his fist and squinting at me.

I looked between him and Kota, “Okay…?”

“You realize your tank top is backwards and inside out, yeah?” A blush bloomed across my face and I looked down. Sure enough, the tag was staring me in the face. “You had sex!” Harry pointed accusingly with a smirk on his face.

“Shut up, no we didn’t.”

Kota started to laugh, “Oh, I’d say you nailed it Haz. Pardon the pun. Look of red and defensive she’s getting!”

I covered my face with my hands and groaned, “Alright, so we did. But it was just a goodbye thing. We agreed!”

“Love, you just opened a can of warms.”

“Shut up Harry!” I snapped, putting my hands down.

“So you guys had sex, but you’re still just friends?” Kota asked confused, “I don’t get it. Why’d you do that if you’re just friends and need ‘time to yourself?’ Your actions are contradicting your actions.”

I sighed, “I don’t know. I don’t even know how it happened. One minute we were hugging goodbye and the next… well you get it.”

“No please, don’t spare us any details babe,” Harry chuckled.

“I will hit you,” I glared.

“Babe,” Dakota warned her boyfriend then turned back to me, “I just don’t get why everyone’s breaking up now.”

I shook my head, “Technically, Niall and I have been broken up for about six months. So…”

“Dani and Liam broke up too,” Harry explained.

“What? Again, when?”

“The other day,” Kota said. “I think it’s for good this time though. Dani went off to America to dance on the US X-Factor and they ended it right before she left. They say their still gonna be friends but, everyone says that,” she said giving me a look.

“Hey, I mean it with Niall. We’ll be friends.”

“Until he gets a new girlfriend Ayden?” Harry asked.

I shrugged, “I guess we’ll cross the bridge if and when it comes Harry.”

“Oh god,” Kota moaned, “You two fight like siblings, it’s bloody annoying.”

“Don’t be jealous of our bond love,” Harry said cheekily, “It’s not becoming.” She smacked his arm.

“Well I vote we get food,” I interjected, “If you’re going to continue to give me a lecture about Niall.”

Harry perked up, “Chinese?”