Heart Attack Waiting to Happen

Chapter 19: Can You Fix The Broken?

Josh P.O.V

The last two days have been hell.
Oli was alive, but was suffering from several injuries; He was covered in bruises, has two cracked ribs and he was lucky enough not to lose any feeling in both his wrists, but they would leave serious scaring.
I had to be question by the police, explaining what had happened and how I attack Oli’s dad out of self defence…I was released with no charges and Oli’s dad was under strict warning not to go near Oli ever again. Thank fuck for that.
I’ve barely slept in the last two days, I’ve been sick with worry about Oli. The nurse said if I’d brought Oli in any later then I did, he would have died… The thought was sickening, because I actually thought he was dead at one point.
Oli hadn’t said a single word to me. I was desperate to hold him to my chest and sing to him but he just fell back into the boy I first met. The boy who said nothing, who suffered in silence, who would hide away in his clothing, who would ignore every question, you asked him…He was worse.
There were so many questions I wanted to ask him, but I knew it wasn’t the right time… Why didn’t he tell me about his dad beating him? I know it must have been hard for him but I was his boyfriend, all I ever wanted was for him to be safe. Why did he try to kill himself? I know things were bad but I thought I made him happy, I thought everything was alright, why didn’t he asked me to help him?
There was no point in these questions; I knew I would never get answers from him. I knew right now I had to sit patiently and just been there for him when he was ready…

He looked really uncomfortable lying in bed; he had to have loads of pillows stacked up behind him to help heal his ribs.
I handed him a glass of water and two paracetamol, he had to take them every four hours to help with the pain.
“Here baby, take these.”
He ignored me and turned his head to look out the window.
I let out a sigh.
“Oli you really need to take them.”
He continued to stare out of the window, ignoring me.
I started to get impatient with him; he knows he has to take them. I moved nearer to him on the bed, practically holding the glass of water in his face.
“Oli come on, they will make you better.”
“Back off Josh!”
He pushed the glass away from his face making me drop it on the bed.
“For fuck sake!” I lost my temper; if only he would have just bloody taken the tablets in the first place this wouldn’t have happened. Oli hung his head covering his face with his hands, great now I’m the bad guy for wanting him to get better. I shook my head and pull the duvet off the bed so I could change the wet sheets, but Oli freaked out.
“No!” He pulled the duvet from me.
“Ah fuck!” his hands sprung to his ribs, regretting his sudden movement.
“Shit, Oli I’m sorry!”
I crawled on the bed towards him, feeling guilty for putting him in pain.
“I’m sorry baby, I didn’t think!”
The duvet was like his safety barrier, protecting his body from any harm from outside the bed, just like his black hoodie he hadn’t taken off in about four days… I hated that hoodie, not only was it filthy but it was suffocating his body, I wanted his skin.
I saw a tear roll down his cheek, he was in serious pain and there was nothing I could do to help him.
I placed my hand over his but he pulled it away from me instantly. It was like my touched made his skin crawl, my own boyfriend couldn’t even stand me to touch him… This is so fucked up, I would never hurt him, I’m not like his sickening father and he knows that.
“Oli please.” I begged him to reason with me.
He shook his head as another tear rolled down his cheek, he didn’t want me…He couldn’t bare to be near me, let alone talk to me.
I crawled into bed in a huff and turned off the bed side light, I moved right up to the edge of the bed, giving him as much space as possible…I hated this, this wasn’t right.
“I love you.” I whispered to him hoping for a reaction.
But of course there was no answer, just the sound of the rain tapping on my bedroom window.
I turned on my side, facing away from him; I couldn’t take this, this really was tearing me up. I buried my face in my pillow and cried in silence, all I wanted was to hold him to my chest, feel his warmth, take in his scent, kiss him softly and sing to him. He was shutting me out entirely, our relationship has become cold and empty in the space of four days…It was like he couldn’t stand me anymore, like he was only here because he had no choice. I loved him so fucking much but it seemed like he didn’t even care, like me and those words meant nothing to him.
More tears started to fall, but I bit my bottom lip and held in my pain; I needed to get some sleep.

My body woke but I refuse to open my eyes, I was taking in the scent and warmth from my boyfriends body I held in my arms; I lent forward to kiss Oliver, but opened my eyes in disappointment to find myself clinging onto a pillow.
“Oli?” I called out sleepily.
I sat up from my bed throwing the pillow aside, the bed was empty, and Oli was gone.
I pulled on my sweatpants and headed to the bathroom where I suspected Oli to be, but no one was in there. I started to panic, where is he?
“Oli?” I shouted down the corridor.
“Shh Joshua.” A sweet voice answered me.
“Mum, where’s Oli?”
“He’s asleep in my bed sweetheart.”
“What? What do you mean he’s in your bed?!” I was so confused, what the hell was he doing in my parent’s bed?!
“Sweetheart its okay, he’s fast asleep. Poor thing was a right state last night…I think the thunder storm freaked him out abit, he came to me in tears.”
“What?”
I was so confused, why didn’t he wake me up if he was scared, I was laying right next to him…I’m his boyfriend for crying out loud, yet he chooses my mum for comfort!
I pushed my parent’s door open slightly; I wanted to see him for myself.
“Joshua don’t wake him.” My mother nagged me.
“I won’t, I just want to see him.”
He was sound asleep just like my mother said; I hadn’t seen him look so peaceful in days. I stormed out the bedroom and made my way downstairs to the kitchen. I was jealous and hurt; this just doesn’t make any sense, why is he pushing me away like this?! I sat at the kitchen table with my head in my hands, and cried.

I made my way back up stairs to my bedroom, hoping Oli would be awake by now.
Oli was wet from a shower, letting my mother wrap fresh bandages around his ribs. Not only was I pissed off at the fact he let my mother touch him but I was in distraught at the sight of his body, he was literally black and blue all over. I didn’t realise how bad his body was, you could see every bone poking out through the black and blue markings left on his beaten skin. I couldn’t believe what I saw; his eyes met mine, filled with distressed.
“Let me know if you need anything else sweetheart.” My mum reassured him, stroking a finger down his cheek. She left us to it.
Oli wrapped his arms around his bare body hiding himself from me, he turned away to face the window…he was uncomfortable standing in front of me with no top on.
“Did you manage to sleep alright in the end?”
I sounded sarcastic; but it wasn’t my intention, I wanted to know if he was alright.
He shook his head.
I pulled out a clean long sleeved top from my wardrobe and offered to place it over his head but he looked at me terrified.
“Its okay baby, I won’t hurt you.”
He hid under his wet fringe and shook his head. I frowned.
“So it’s okay for my mum to touch you but not me?”
He just stood there, with his arms still wrapped around his body ignoring me completely. Oh for fuck sake, I threw the top at him; I lost my temper and lashed out.
“Whatever Oli, let’s just forget that I saved your life and all!”
“I never asked you to save me…”
“Is that some sort of sick joke?”
“I wanted to die…” he mumbled under his breath.
“How can you be so fucking selfish?!”
“Selfish?” He let out a little laugh as he pulled the top over his head.
“Did I even cross your mind?”
His silence said it all. I started to question if he ever loved me… I always believed he did, despite him not ever admitting it to me; I always believed he did…but now I’m not so sure. How can you want to kill yourself and not care about leaving the one you love behind? Did I really mean nothing to him that he just wanted to end his life and leave me without him? Did he even think of the pain it would have caused me if he actually succeeded? No of course he didn’t, maybe I was the selfish one but I just don’t understand how a person can do that to someone they love.
“I…I need to get my stuff from my place…”
“I ain’t letting you go back to that place ever again!”
He shook his head in fear; I saw his bottom lip tremble.
“I..I can’t…I can’t ever go back there…” He was trembling with fear. My heart ached for him and my anger disappeared, he needed me.
“Hey, its okay.”
“But I need my things I left…”
“Don’t worry about them; I’ll go get them for you.”
He looked at me in fear…probably the first time he’s shown any emotion towards me in days.
“Josh no…”
“Its okay, he’s not going to be there…I’ll be alright.”
I reassured him that I would be safe from his father, the police still had him. Still, I wasn’t planning on going back to that place any time soon, but I would do it for him.
“I left my journal on my bed side table…”
“Okay I’ll make sure I’ll get that and a few other things for you.”
He looked like a hopeless lost child; I didn’t want to leave him when he was in this state. I leant forward risking everything and kissed him on his nose; it was the first time I kissed him in days…I didn’t want to make him anymore uncomfortable so I left.

I heard some sort of whimpering coming from Oli’s bedroom… It made me anxious, who was here? I slowly stepped towards the door keeping out of sight as I peeked into his bedroom. There was a woman sitting on the bed sobbing into the blood stain bed sheets, who was she?
The floor boards creaked from under me, making her look up.
“Oliver?” she cried out.
I stepped into the room so she had full view of me, who the hell was she?
“No, you’re not my Oliver…”
Her Oliver? No it can’t be…it was Oli’s mum! I can’t believe after all this time, she had the nerve to turn up and cry over his blood stain sheets! She had no idea what she’s done to him, my blood started to boil but I just stood there trying to keep my cool.
“You must be a friend of Oliver’s, please tell me if he’s alright. The hospital and police won’t tell me anything, I just need to know if my baby boy is alright!”
Baby boy? How dare she! She had no right to play the mother card now; she left him when he was just a boy, left him with that disgusting human being! She would get no sympathy from me, I was going to give her a piece of my mind, but something more important entered my mind.
“Where’s Tom?”
I know more than anything in the world, Oli wanted to see Tom again. She looked at me through her wet eye lashes; she had the same eyes as Oli’s…Those beautiful sad eyes.
“He’s not here…”
“Then where is he?”
She ignored me, hanging her head as she continued to sob into the duvet cover. God she was just like Oli… No I take that back, I would never think of them as the same. I grabbed the journal from the bed side table and wondered towards the broken wardrobe, there was barely anything in it…He really had nothing to call his own. I started fumbling around in some draws trying to distract myself from his crying mother.
“Please tell me about him.”
She was mad if she thinks I was going to do that!
“You have no right to ask how he is! You abandon him when he was just a little boy, what mother does that?!”
“No it wasn’t like that…I couldn’t cope with both of them. Tom was so small I couldn’t leave him… I knew Oliver was strong, I knew he would be okay without me.”
“He was your son and you left him with that crazy psycho! How could you leave him?!” She deserved everything I said to her.
“It killed me to leave him, but I couldn’t stay here any longer, I had to leave…”
“Even I know a true mother would never leave their child behind no matter what. You have no right to call him your son.”
She kept quiet for a moment, her next words stunned me.
“You seem very protected over Oliver… Like you would take a bullet for him or something.”
“I’m only doing what you failed to do.” My words were harsh.
“I never stopped loving him…”
I kept quiet, she could tell how madly in love I was with him just by my protective words.
“I remember he used to be such a mummy’s boy when he was younger, he was like my little shadow… followed me everywhere he did.”
I rolled my eyes at her pathetic sob story and carried on packing Oli’s bag with the little belongings he had.
“Whenever he was scared he would come running to me and all I had to do was scoop him up in my arms and hold his precious head to my chest and he would fall asleep almost right away. Sometimes I sang to him, it would help calm his nerves…”
I stopped what I was doing; no she didn’t just say that. All this time I thought it was because of my love that he would fall asleep… when I held him to my chest and sang him to sleep I thought it was because of me…because he felt safe in my arms. But it was just a long lost mother and son bond…I reminded him of her when I did that. No! I had to know it was because of me, because he loved me, not because it was a reminder of her! I felt my heart breaking, Oli was slipping away from me, tears started to fill my eyes, I felt my anger building up inside of me…no, why was she here, she was ruining everything! I picked up Oli’s bag and stormed towards his bedroom door; I couldn’t bare to listen to her anymore.
“No wait! Please tell me where my Oliver is!” she begged.
“No! I will never tell you, I will make sure you and that revolting man will never hurt him again! The best thing you can do is disappear and never come back!”
I stormed out of the house, leaving his mother in her own self pity.
She had some nerve if she thought I was going to let her back into his life, she was the reason why Oli is the way he is. She broke his heart and he’s never got over that, she was the reason why he couldn’t tell me he loved me. I hate her! I really fucking hate her!

Oli was resting in bed when I got back; I threw his bag to the floor and sat on the edge of my bed with my head in my hands. I was still so angry with his mother, everything she said was going around in my mind…He never fell asleep at my comfort, it was hers.
“Josh…?”
I ignored him.
“Josh what happened? You’re not hurt are you?”
Yes I was bloody fucking hurt, all I wanted was to know he loved me and for a moment I thought he did… but his mother made it clear enough he didn’t. Oh god what was I going to say to him? Apart of me wanted to keep this from him, he was better off not knowing she was here…but I knew if he found out he would never forgive me.
“Josh please.”
“Someone was in your room when I arrived…”
“He didn’t hurt you did he?!” He started to panic when he thought I was talking about his father.
“It was a woman…Asking for her Oliver.”
“Mum!” He chocked.
He scrambled out of bed in a mad panic; ignoring the pain it coursed him.
“Wait Oli, what are you doing?!”
“Josh I…I need to see her! I need to see my mum!”
“Are you joking?! After everything she’s done to you, after abandoning you all those years ago, you still want her?”
“She’s come back for me... She wants me.”
“No Oli she doesn’t.”
“What…? Josh what did you say to her?” The last bit of hope left his eyes; he insisted to know what happened.
“She doesn’t care about you Oli; if she really cared she would never have left you in the first place.”
“Where is she Josh? What did you say to her?!”
“I told her to disappear and never come back!” I lost my temper at his petty need for her.
His eyes widen in shock and charge me hitting my chest hysterically with his fists.
“No! You stupid idiot what have you done! How could you do that to me?! She is the only one who could take me away from this god for saken place! She is the only one who can save me!”
His words and actions were painful, I thought I was the only one who could save him…well the last 4 days were abit of a struggle but I wasn’t going anywhere.
“What about me? Oli I saved you… you have me to help you get through this!”
“Did you really think that you could fix me?”
That hurt, a lot. He’s never looked at me like that before; his eyes were filled with hatred…hatred for me.
“I…I thought I could fix you…” I stuttered as reality hit me.
“Well you were wrong. And you’ve taken the only thing away from me which could! All I ever wanted was to find my mum, Josh you know that! My mum and Tom were… Oh my god where was Tom?!” He started to panic even more at the thought of his little brother.
“He wasn’t with her; she wouldn’t tell me where he was.”
“I need to see Tom; he must have been with her!”
“Oli stop it! Listen to me, Tom wasn’t there!” I grabbed his shoulders to try to get through to him.
“He must have been!”
His panic attack made him fall to his hands and knees, he’s breathing was out of control.
“I… I think I’m gonna be sick!”
“Oli breathe its okay.” I rubbed my hand on his back to calm him but he went mental at me and pushed me away.
“No it’s not okay! You’ve fucked it all up and now I will never see my mother again!”
I left him crying on my bedroom floor, I couldn’t bare to hear anymore of his harsh words; everything I done was for his own good, I did because I loved him! They didn’t love him, they abandon him, and they didn’t care! But he still wanted them over me…I gave him everything and he just threw back in my face. I sat on the swing in the playground, I needed some air… I needed to escape that horrid situation.
I felt bad for walking out on Oli, I shouldn’t have left him in that state no matter how bad things were… but I needed a moment to collect my thoughts. Everything was so fucked up, I fucked everything up! I started to regret that I told Oli’s mum to leave… I didn’t expect him to react how he did, he didn’t need her, he had me. I gave him everything his useless mother didn’t but yet he wanted her love over mine…
I looked up as I wiped the tears away from my eyes; there was some guy, must have been about my age, sitting on the round about staring at me…what the fuck…?
“What the fuck are you staring at?!” I shouted over at him, I wasn’t in the mood for this. Fucking weirdo.
He ducked his head down; it looked like he was scratching the paint work off the round about…chav.
I notice I was staring at him now; there was something about him which I couldn’t turn away from… I frowned and came back to my thoughts.
I let out a sigh. What am I going to do? He’s never going to forgive me for this, he’s slipping through my fingers and there’s nothing I can do to get him back in my grip.
Something made me look up; the guy on the round about was standing right in front of me, making me jump up from the swing.
“What the fuck man?!”
“Oh… Sorry I thought you were somebody else…”
His blue eyes were sad, he looked lost… he started to freak me out a little. He walked off, leaving the playground. What the hell was that all about?
Whatever, I need to get back to Oli.

Oli was curled up on my bed, sobbing into a pillow. My heart ached for him.
“Oli baby, you’re not helping your ribs by lying like that.”
I crawled on the bed, sitting beside him, he was clingy onto to his journal.
“You left…” he sobbed.
“I know, I’m sorry…I just needed some air.”
“Where did you go?”
“To the playground.”
He stayed quiet; I couldn’t help but gently run my fingers through his hair… I missed him so much. He was right here but he seemed so far away from me.
“Some weird guy was staring at me in the playground…He’s never been there before, kinda felt he was invading our private space…”
Oli turned to face me.
“What guy? What did he look like?”
“Erm I don’t know… He looked about 16/17, had blue eyes…why?”
His face turned white, and his breathing started to become heavy and fast again…what was wrong?
“It was Tom…” he said in a whisper.
“What? No Oli, it could have been anyone?"
What would be the odds?
“Did he say anything to you?!”
“Not really, he was just staring at me…he even came right up to me.”
“He was checking to see if you were me!”
Actually when I think about it, his presents kind of reminded me of Oli…That explains why I couldn’t look away from him. Shit why didn’t I notice that earlier!
Oli staggered off the bed, and headed for the door but I got there before him.
“Oli where are you going?”
“I need to go to the playground, I need to find Tom!”
“He left before I did…”
“I don’t care! I need to find my brother! Please Josh; please let me go to the playground!”
He begged me, tears were streaming down his face, he was desperate to find him, but I knew he wouldn’t be at the playground…but I gave in, I knew he wanted his brother more than anything and I know it wasn’t his brother fault for leaving him behind.
Oli ran to the round about, and burst into tears.
The playground was empty…I knew this before we came here but Oli demanded that we go and check again.
If only I knew it was Tom, I would have done everything I could to reunite him with Oli…I was too worked up about our argument to take much notice. Fuck, it’s all my fault again!
“Everyday for the last 11 years I have sat in this playground waiting for him…hoping one day he would come back here. And the one day I don’t come, he turns up looking for me!”
“Oli… you don’t know if it was even him…”
“It was him! Look, he scratched our names on the round about, its our little trade mark!”
“Tom and Oliver :) ”
Fuck, it was him. I saw him do this but I just thought he was some chav vandalizing the playground. I felt sick…I was inches away from him and had no idea he was Oli’s long lost brother.
Oli was slumped across the round about, crying into the scratched names left on the cold metal apparatus.