Heart Attack Waiting to Happen

Chapter 22: Time Heals Wounds.

Josh's P.O.V

This was the first time I actually sat and listened to everyone’s problems; I usually zone out and say pass when it was my turn to speak, but something about what that Vic guy said, made me want to pay attention.
It was Vic’s turn to talk, he glanced a look at me for a few moments… it was like he was trying to tell me something through his eyes but I couldn’t work out what.
His story took my breath away; I couldn’t believe I’ve never listened to him before… I couldn’t believe he’s gone through what he has and come out in one piece!
He spoke about his ex girlfriend who unfortunately was diagnosis with breast cancer and past away.
I can’t believe he’s still standing, I don’t know what I would have done if I was in his position. I felt guilty, I shouldn’t be here. My problems were nothing like these deep emotional stories, people were actually suffering and I was just wasting important people’s time, with my petty excuse for depression which was because I couldn’t handle being dumped.

“Josh are you going to share your thoughts with us today?”
I hesitated for a moment.
I was about to say pass, but I caught Vic staring at me; he nodded at me, giving me the okay… his story was so inspirational.
I looked down at the floor, as my fingers intertwine with each other. I was nervous to speak but I forced out a sentence.
“They said it gets easier… but they lied.”
Everyone seemed shocked to hear my voice, I felt all their eyes focusing on me; it made me feel more nervous. But I forced myself to say more.

“He used to be the person of my dreams, but now he’s just the demands of my nightmares…”
“Who Josh?” My therapists John encourage me to continue.
“Oli…” I chocked out.
For the first time in months I finally manage to get his name pass my lips. It hurt to say it and to hear it, but it was a start.
I didn’t speak too much about him; I started to well up and refuse to say anymore, my therapist congratulated me for finally letting it out of my head and into the open. If was tough but I must admit I did feel abit better after letting it out.

Therapy was over and I walked towards my father’s waiting car.
“Josh wait up!” someone called out to me.
I turned on my heel, it was Vic.
“Hey…”
“Hey man, just wanted to say well done for talking today.”
I felt abit nervous around him; I shuffled around in my hoodie.
“Erm thanks.”
“Had a feeling you’ll change your mind today.” He smiled at me.
“I guess your story helped…”
“Thought it would.”
I frowned; I was a little confused how he was so sure I’d speak after listening to his story. My dad beeped the horn of his car, breaking me away from Vic.
“I gotta go.” I stepped backwards.
“Hey, before you go here’s my number.”
He pulled out a pen from his pocket and wrote down his phone number on my hand. This was weird, I’ve practically said two words to him and he’s now giving me his number?
“If you ever need someone to talk to Josh, just text me.” He smiled at me before walking away, he barely knew me, why did he care?
Me and dad sat in silence in the car, traffic was bad tonight so it was taking us longer than usual to get home. I could honestly get home faster if I walked.
“How was therapy today?” He felt like he needed to make conversation with me, I usually ignore him when he asks if I spoke in therapy because the answer was always no. But not today…
“I spoke about him…”
“You did?” Surprise was in his tone.
I nodded, as I continued to stare out the window.
“That’s good to hear Josh, I’m proud of you.”
I let out a sigh.
“I guess so.”

I woke from my nightmare, sitting up from my bed in a cold sweat and panting for air. My mother came running into my room all worried.
“You okay sweetheart?!”
“Y-yes.” I sniffed, trying to stop tears from falling.
“You’ve never woken yourself up before…”
She sat on the edge of my bed and brushed her fingers through my hair. She was right; I’ve never been able to wake myself up from that nightmare, they always had to wake me. Was this some sort of sign?
“Your father told me you spoke about him today.”
I nodded, hanging my head.
“Well maybe this is some sort of sign sweetheart, a sign of you finally healing.”
“What?”
I was far from healing, the hole in my chest still ached for him.
“Well you were finally able to talk about him today and you’ve woken yourself up from your nightmare…maybe its all linked. It still might feel soon for you but maybe it’s the beginning sweetheart.”
Maybe, maybe not.
I’ve spoke about him once and now everyone is assuming I’m getting better. It’s not that easy, I still beg for him every single day, hoping he will appear in my life again.
I layed back down into bed, hinting that I didn’t want to have this conversation anymore, I know my mum was only trying to help but I didn’t want to talk about this right now.
“Get some sleep darling; hopefully things will look better in the morning.”
She kissed my cheek and turned off my side light as she went back to bed herself.
It was 3AM and I was wide awake.
How did I manage to wake myself up? I’ve been having the same nightmare for months and I’ve never been able to do that. Maybe mum was right…but I didn’t want to heal, because healing would mean forgetting him and I can’t…I still love him.
I grabbed my phone from my bed side table and wrote out a text to Vic…I know it’s late but he said if I ever needed to talk… and I needed someone.
“I’ve been drowning in my own sleep.” I pressed send.
I have no idea why I sent him that, like he would understand what I meant… especially at three in the morning.
My phone vibrated in my hand, I was shocked he texted me back straight away.
“Nightmares? I used to have them too, but its okay you can get through this dude!”
I started to talk more and more about Oli in therapy and everyone was so understanding, they’re reactions shock me; I’d thought they would be negative and would have told me to get over myself. But they were all so supported and told me to stay strong.
Especially Vic, we’ve been texting each other a lot over the last two weeks…it’s been nice.
Its nice having someone there who understands, someone who’s been through hell and back but never fails to leave a smile on someone’s face…my face for that matter.
“Josh you wanna come back to mine after therapy?”
“Erm I don’t know…”
“Aw come on, it’ll be cool to hang out other than always seeing each other here. You get to meet my little brother too, you’ll like him.”
I wasn’t too sure about going back to Vic’s, I guess it would be good for a change but I was planning on going to the playground after this.
“Come on Josh, I’ll let you hear some of the stuff I’ve been writing.”
That’s right, Vic told me that he also writes lyrics and plays guitar, we said we’ll play together sometime.
“Erm I need to text my dad and ask first.”
“Cool, it’ll be fun!”
I hated that I had to ask my parents for permission first, it was so embarrassing, they were still so over protective of me.

There was a loud banging noise coming from upstairs, sounded like someone was playing drums.
“Mike come meet my friend Josh!”
Vic banged on his brothers door while walking past it and into his.
“Is he playing drums?”
“Yeah, he never stops.”
“Hey!” A head popped around the door.
“This is your little brother?” I looked over at Vic to double check.
I was shocked; Mike was so much taller than Vic, he had loads of tattoos and a couple of facial piercings too.
“I know right, you would never guess he’s the same age as you.”
My eyes widen, there was no way this guy was 17, and he looked way older than me! Vic wasn’t that much older, 19 but still, he looked like a baby compared to his brother.
“It nice to finally meet one of Vic’s therapy friends.”
I didn’t really know what to say to him, I just smile back in response.
“Mike!” Vic shook his head at him; he obviously didn’t want me known as that.
“What?”
Mike slouch across Vic’s bed.
“Hey Mike, Josh also song writes and plays guitar.”
“Cool really? We should all jam together.”
“I can only play a little bit.” I felt abit awkward.
“Hold that note, girlfriend is calling me.” Mike jumped off the bed and ran back to his room before he answered his phone.
Vic handed me an acoustic guitar.
“Vic I don’t know about this...”
It’s been awhile since I last played in front of someone.
“Its okay, you don’t have to play me anything. I’ll play you some of my stuff.”
He sat on a bean bag on the floor; I sat and watched him play a few notes on the guitar.
“I wrote this for her when she first became sick…”

“I kissed the scars on her skin
I still think you’re beautiful
And I don’t ever want to lose my best friend.
I screamed out “God you vulture,
Bring her back or take me with her”

Tear it down, break the barricade
I want to see what sound it makes
I hate this flavour with a passion and t fucking hate the aftertaste

How does it feel? How does it feel?
Well it feels like I’m on fire!
Wake up; I know you can hear me.

Make me a promise here tonight, love like a tidal wave
Dreamless in early graves, I never want it to be this way
The chemicals will bring you home again.
This is it, when it done, we can say that,
When its sudden death we fight back.

Pretend like I don’t entice you
I’ve seen you circling the sky above my head
You traitor

I will never be taken for granted again
Keep digging holes in the desert
Say a prayer for you.
I know that you’re in pain
But if we die at the same time does it still scare you?

We will bring the tidal wave
And nothing will remain

She’s mine
You stay away from her its not her time.
Cause baby, I’m the one
Who’s haunts her dreams at night,
Until she’s satisfied.”

Wow, that was something else…truly amazing.
The song had me at the first verse…the lyrics reminded me so much of how I felt about Oli.
I really owed Vic some credit, those lyrics really spoke how he was feeling when all that was going on. I felt so blown away by them.

“Wow Vic…” I was speechless.
“Music is the best therapy; I find whatever is going on inside my head which I struggle to say…I find it better to write about it.”
That’s exactly how I felt, I’ve been writing a lot lately about how I’ve been feeling but I hadn’t shown it to anyone. My lyrics were like my own personal diary.
“I find writing helps too.”
“Another thing we have in common.”
I hesitated for a moment, there is a song I’ve been working on… and I do find getting my feelings across better if I sing than I do talking. I wanted to show Vic I was trying.
“I do have a song to show you too…but it’s new so its abit sloppy in places.”
“That’s alright, I’m sure it’s great.”
I felt nervous to sing in front of him…singing always took away my nerves not make me nervous. I took a deep breath in and counted to 5 before I started singing.

“I woke up this morning with a grudge the size of a story
Oh, I feel, I feel so low.
Let me start at the end, the part I haven’t figured out yet
Yes, I am, I’m moving slow.

You are playing the lead
The headaches that my actions feed
Oh I’ve only got myself to blame
Here’s another test which I would fail, at my best
Oh, always ending the same.

If I were am honest guy
I’d give this role another try

What do I do when
I am so in love with you
I forgot what I wanted to say
What are we doing?
You won’t change your ways in time, in time

If I just saved you, you could save me too
If I just saved you, then you could save me too.

I woke up the next morning and I didn’t see it coming
Oh, your bags were packed and gone
I called all your friends and they said hadn’t seen you yet
Oh, my head’s going to explode.

If I were an honest guy,
I’d give this world another try.

I believe in the finer things, and you don’t believe in me
I said, I believe in the finer things, and you don’t believe in me
I said, I believe in the finer things, and you don’t

If I just saved you, you could save me too
If I just saved you, then you could save me too.
No one does it better,
No one does it
No one does it better.

I woke up this morning with the grudge the size of your story,
Which now I have told you all.”

My bottom lip trembled, I tried so hard not to let the tears escape my eyes, I didn’t want to cry in front of Vic. Singing that song out loud was a lot tougher than I thought it would be…Oli flooded my mind and the tears started to roll down my cheeks.
“Hey Josh, its okay.” Vic knelt down in front of me.
I put my head in my hands, I felt like such a baby, but I couldn’t help how I felt.
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to cry.”
“It’s good to cry Josh, its good to let all the pain out. I could tell how much emotion was put into that song…it really was beautiful.”
I wiped the tears away from my eyes.
“I just miss him so much…” I sobbed.
“I know you do Josh, I’m not gonna tell you that it gets better…only you can make it better if you want to. But it does make you stronger and a better person in the future.”
I looked up at him making our eyes lock, neither of us broke contact; our faces were only inches away from each others…My heart started to beat like crazy, blood rushed to my head, I began to feel hot and the room started spinning. I slowly moved my face closer to Vic’s.
We were interrupted by a loud ring tone; breaking our eye contact Vic jumped up to answer his phone.
“Hey Kellin!”
Holy crap! What the hell almost happened?! I was about to kiss him… no what the fuck is wrong with me?! Shit, I need to leave before I do anything else stupid!
Vic’s back was turned as he spoke on the phone; I quickly rushed past him and made a run for it.
“Josh wait, come back!” Vic shouted after me.
I felt like I was running for miles, I could hardly breathe but I refuse to stop running, I needed to get to the playground.
I collapse as I crawled into the tunnel, my chest felt like it was on fire, I struggled to catch my breath back through my tears, I wanted this all to end.
I was disgusted with myself! How could I do that, what was I thinking?! Vic was my friend, he’s been here for me every step of the way and I had to go and pull a stunt like that! He’s never gonna want to talk to me again, I’ve blown it. I don’t know what happened, playing that song to Vic and seeing the way he looked at me and caring…it reminded me of when I first kissed Oli. Fuck Josh what was you thinking…How could I do this to Oli? My heart belongs to him, he’s is the one I love, Oli will always be the one for me…He’s never going to forgive me for this.
I cried into my hands in the tunnel, my mind felt like it was going to explode; my life had become one big fuck up!

“Josh!” Someone called my name.
It sounded like Vic, but there’s no way he could have followed me here. I stay quiet in the tunnel, hoping if I didn’t make a sound he would walk away.
My phone started ringing, and of course being inside a tunnel it echo louder than usual making me jump out of my skin.
“Josh!” Vic popped his head in the tunnel, shit he found me.
I buried my head in my hands; I couldn’t bare to look at him.
“I tell you what mate; you sure know how to run a mile or two!” He sounded out of breath but I still refuse to look up at him. I felt ashamed and embarrassed; I couldn’t forgive myself for this.
“Hey Josh come on, look at me it’s alright.”
He sat opposite me in the tunnel; he shook my leg trying to get my attention.
“I’m so sorry Vic, I don’t know what I was thinking, I didn’t mean to do that, please don’t hate me!” I started to panic, I was about to lose my only friend.
“Don’t be silly, I don’t hate you! Josh it was just a misunderstanding its fine, really.”
“I fuck everything up!”
“Its apart of life Josh, shit happens…but it’s okay to fuck up its apart of growing up.”
“Why are you so nice to me?”
“Well maybe I should stop being so nice then you wouldn’t want to kiss me so much.” He started laughing.
“I love Oli Vic…” I forced the words past my lips.
“I know you do, it was a joke Josh.”
I wasn’t in the mood for joking, I felt guilty enough about what I did.
“What is this place anyway?”
“A place I like to come and collect my thoughts…”
“Did you do this?” curiosity was in his tone, making me take my head out of my hands to look at him. He was pointing at the scratched initials on the tunnel. I shook my head.
“No Oli did.” I sniffed.
“You both used to come here huh?”
“You could say that.” I mumbled.
He placed his hand on my knee, making our eyes meet.
“Don’t punish yourself for healing Josh…Healing doesn’t mean you will forget him or deny that you ever loved him… your slowly moving on.”
“I don’t want to move on from him…”
“First love sucks huh?”
“How can you be so happy? After everything you’ve gone through, losing her…How did you manage to cope without her?”
“It’s been tough…and there were times I thought I couldn’t live without her…But I got through it. I had to be patience, I guess going to therapy for two years helped too. Talking about it and forgiving myself, because there was nothing I could have done to safe her…her time was up and the only way I could respect her life and our relationship was to forgive and live my life…that’s what she would have wanted, for me to be happy and make something out of myself.”
“No offence Vic…but I don’t really want to be in therapy for two years.”
“It takes time Josh. How long have you been going therapy?”
“A few months…”
“And you’ve only just started talking about Oli…See it takes a lot of time coming to terms with it and then finally talking about it and then you resolve what you can and move on from there. Be patience Josh it takes time, everyone heals in different ways and time, there’s no race.”
Apart of me believe I was never going to heal, that empty hole in my chest will never disappear. But I have started talking about Oli; a few months ago I couldn’t even say his name…So that’s something right? Maybe I should stop feeling so guilty about it…But I do, I always do because I was the reason why he left.
“Anyway cheer up, cos you’re gonna come cinema tomorrow with me, Mike and my best buddy Kellin.”
I raised my eyebrow at him.
“Who’s Kellin?”
“He’s my best mate; you’ll love him, he’s the best.”
“I don’t know if I should…”
“Aw come on, forget what happened earlier. You need to get out and have some fun. Besides we’re seeing the new superman film, so you can’t say no to that!” He smiled a really cheesy grin at me which made me let out a little laugh.
“See, now that’s more like it, a smile I haven’t seen often enough.”
I looked down shyly, I’m so relieved he’s still my friend I don’t know what I’ll do without him. I haven’t felt like this in a long time…I felt kind of happy and he makes smile at stupid things.