Heart Attack Waiting to Happen

Chapter 25: There Is a Hell Believe Me I've Seen It.

Oli's P.O.V

“Breathe!”
My trembling hands were pounding down onto his chest, trying to make him come around. He can’t die like this!
“Please baby, breathe for me!” I begged through my hysterical tears.
Josh wasn’t moving. He was lying unconscious on the stony ground, his face was pale grey, his lips were blue and his skin was as cold as ice.
This is all my fault, how could I let this happen… What have I done?!
By now I had fallen into full panic mode; Josh wasn’t showing any sign of life at all and I could feel pathetic my heart breaking all over again.
Not him please, death can’t take him away from me, not like this… I won’t let it! He can’t be dead, he just can’t!

“Josh I’m here, we can finally be together now… Please. Please wake up.” Tears were streaming down my face, my heart was in my throat and my hands were holding onto his denim jacket for dear life. The pain was all too much for me to take, the guilt was draining every last bit of sanity I left in me.
I stopped pounding on his chest, there was no hope… he was gone.
Everyone I ever loved had left me and the most important love of them all has been taken because of me! I regretted leaving him. How could I be so cruel?! How could I just leave him the way that I did? He adored me, he basically worth shipped the ground I walked on and I just walked away… and his death was the result of my selfish actions.

Every second my breathing became more heavy and ragged; my chest felt like it was going to cave in and explode, my mind slowly creeping back into the darkness.
“Josh please.” I whimpered, leaning my head against his chest and just continued to cry hysterically. Please don’t leave me on my own, I need you. I need you Josh, please wake up.
“I love you.” I painfully sobbed into his chest but there was nothing but my cries to be heard.

No matter what I said or how much I cried, there was no life left in him. It was too late. I was too late. I should have come back sooner… but I didn’t and now death has taken him from me and my worthless life is my punishment. How can I possibly carry on living now? Josh was the only thing worth living for but I left him, alone and now I’ve killed him.
I deserve every piece of suffering I get, I shouldn’t be allowed to live, my whole existence is a disgrace to this world.
I remained lying on the floor beside him, my head refusing to leave his chest, not one single heart beat was heard. I took those heart beats away, I’m the reason why his innocent kind heart will never beat again. It should’ve been my heart to stop beating, not his.

“If only sorrow could build a staircase, or tears could show the way, I would climb my way to heaven and bring him home again… If only sorrow could build a staircase, or tears could show the way, I would climb my way to heaven and bring him home again… If only sorrow could build a staircase, or tears could show the way, I would climb my way to heaven and bring him home again… I would do anything to bring him back home again, because if I got him back I would get back the love that I once knew.”

I was too far gone to even make out what I was even saying anymore… my face was buried deep into Josh’s chest to make any knowledge of them but my trembling lips felt like they were repeating the same words over and over again…

Time waits for no one. I lost the precious time I could have spent with him. I wasted so much time hating myself and everyone else, I forgot about the most important thing which was spending time with him. I could never get that back now, it’s all my fault, I killed him. I killed the love of my life. I killed the only one who ever loved me.
My little ray of sunshine was gone. I will never see his beautiful smile again… I will never see that smile brighten up his face and see his surroundings come to life from it. It will never lighten up the darkness inside of me again, my sunshine was gone forever.

The thoughts were torturing me, it had only been minutes? And already the darkness had started to take over and take me from him completely… suddenly something inside me snapped.
No he can’t leave me, I refuse to believe he's gone!

“For fuck sake Josh, just breathe!” I pushed myself up and pounded my fist hard against his chest one last time in anger. My actions made his body jump up and cough out a mouth full of water.
Holy fuck, I gasped in shocked. He was… alive? Josh was alive?
My teary vision stared immensely down at his body and that’s when I saw little signs of life. I saw him swallow and his body began to shake.
“Oh thank fuck!” I let out a breath of relief, he was alive!
If I hadn’t been walking over the bridge when I was he would have… no I can’t think like that now, he’s here alive and breathing and he needs me! Pull yourself together Oliver and get a grip!

My shaky hands came down to cradle his face gently, as I began to try and bring him round.
“Josh love, it’s me. Can you hear me?” I sobbed.
His eyes blinked several times before looking straight up to where my voice had come from. His eyes were searching but it was like he couldn’t see me. But after a few seconds they finally focused on me and the look of shock over took his face.
“Oli?” He croaked out.
“Yes love it’s me.”
“Oli!” he struggled for breath but my name just about manage to past his lips.
He reached up and clung to my shirt and buried his face into my chest where he began to cry his eyes out. Without a second thought, my arms instantly wrap around him, holding him close to me as I also continued to cry, resting my face in his soaking wet hair.

Fuck I’ve missed him. I never realise how much until now. I can’t believe he tried to kill himself… what the fuck, this isn’t like him to do something like this, what was he playing at?!

“What the bloody hell were you thinking?!” I greeted through my teeth and I held him tighter.
He just shook his head not saying anything but letting breathless sighs leave his lips.
God, I was about to give up on him… How could I give up on him so easily? What the fuck is wrong with me?! He’s fucking perfect and I almost let him die! I will never give up on him again, not ever.

He was shaking like leaf in my arms, we both were. We needed to get out of the cold and out of these wet clothes before we get seriously ill.
“Josh we need to get you home.”
He looked up at me with heartbreaking eyes, gripping tighter onto my shirt, he looked utterly terrified.
“N-no.” he cried, clinging tighter.
“It’s okay, I’ve got you.”
I struggled to pull him up from the ground, I hadn’t eaten in months and jumping into the river to save him took the last bit of energy I had left. My body was on the verge of shutdown.
We stumbled slightly as we stood up, but I held him tight not letting him escape my arms. I would never let him fall, even if I couldn’t stand anymore I refuse to let him fall, even if it’s the last thing I do. And that’s when I knew this was going to be a long walk back to his house.
~~

I stood him in the middle of his room as I started to take off his drench wet clothes as fast as I could. His teeth were shattering loudly together as he frantically shook helplessly in his pale bare skin. Without making it obvious, I took a quick once over of his body and saw the amount of weight he has lost over the last few months. Fuck, he’s lost shit loads. I turned away in shame because I knew I was the reason for this, I was the reason why he hasn’t been able to eat… I know that feeling all too well because I can’t even remember the last time I ate. I know what pain does to your mind and to the rest of your body and I just can’t believe I’ve lead him down the same track as me… only disaster happens if you follow me and I refuse to let Josh follow in the same footsteps. It may be too late for me but I will put an end to his suffering.

Still standing with my back to him I quickly took off my wet clothes as well, feeling incredibly nervous that he might see how bad my body have become over the last few months as well and that’s one thing I can’t deal with at the moment. I turn back round to him wearing nothing but a wet long sleeve top and my boxers, afraid to remove anymore clothing in front of him and I stepped forward and held him close to me.

“Oli.” He choked.
“Shhh, I’m trying to warm you up before you go into shock.”
“Oli p-please.”
I place my finger over his lips, there was no time to talk now; he needed to rest his voice and put some dry clothes on before he got ill.
I pulled out any random clothing from his wardrobe and dressed him as fast as I could, anything to make him feel less pain. I sat him on the bed while I searched my bag for some dry clothes, I was also fucking freezing but all the clothing I pulled out had blood stains on them, fuck! I stuffed them back into my bag hoping Josh didn’t see any of them, the last thing I need right now is a bunch on questions thrown at me. “Erm…is it okay if I borrow some of your clothes?” I awkwardly asked.
He nodded still shaking.
I hid behind one of his wardrobe doors, swiftly dressing myself, hoping he wouldn't see any part of my bare body.
Once dressed in an extremely large sweatshirt and baggy sweat pants, I crawled onto the bed wrapping the duvet around us both as Josh clung to my chest like a little lost child.

My heart ached greatly. I didn’t know seeing him again would cause me so much pain, the words were indescribable what I was feeling right now but I should have known better. I knew coming back wasn’t going to be easy… I should have stayed away. The horrid heartbreaking memory from earlier flash across my mind and the fear of him dying twinge at my heart. I couldn't bare the thought of Josh even consider doing something like that to himself. He isn’t the same person who I left behind… he was this happy kind loving human who loved life and wasn’t afraid of what life threw at him, he was strong and full of confidence with a heart full of gold but now… now he’s turned into a terrified broken child who’s world has been turn upside down from the evil who torn him apart… me.

I pulled him closer to me, I’ve messed him up so fucking bad I could never forgive myself for this. I’ve destroyed him in everyway possible. I buried my face into his damp curls and kissed the top of his head softly. Fuck, no words can describe how much I’ve longed for him to be in my arms again, they’ve been so empty without him. Over his shattering teeth I heard him weeping against my chest; his sobs made my eyes water at the heartbreaking sounds, fuck Oliver you need to be strong for him, man up, there’s no time for tears, its now my responsibility to fix what I’ve broken.

“Shhh Josh love, go to sleep.” I cooed him, rocking him slightly.
“No!” he choked out sitting up, making me flinch at his sudden reaction.
“You’ll only leave me again!”
I was wounded by his panicked words, he looked so frightened.
“N-No love, I won’t.”
“You will… I can’t bare to lose you again! Please don’t make me sleep… I-I can’t… I can’t wake up without you again!” his voice was a croaky whisper, he was losing his voice. His plead pulled at my sorry heart, making a tear fall from my eyes. His pain was tearing me apart.
“Shhh Josh, you need to rest your voice. You don’t need to be afraid to sleep, I’m right here.”

He didn’t believe me, I don’t say I blame him. I’ve got a lot of making up to do, I know he’s never going to trust me again and I guess I deserve that. I pulled him back to my chest and rubbed my hand slowly up and down his back to try to calm him down.
"P-please don't leave me." He mumbled into my chest, burying his face into my side and holding me even tighter incase I tried to escape.
Fuck. Another tear rolled down my cheek, what have I done to him? He's become a clingy lost child, he's become worse than me which I didn’t think was possible… the loss of love tears you up inside and I knew this but I still went ahead and left him, knowing I was put through the exact same pain all my life… I still chose to do the same to Josh. I shouldn’t be here with him but apart of me was telling me I couldn’t leave again. My heart was back at home, back where it belongs even though the pain was over powering the love right now, I had to sit it out.

“That little kiss you stole, it held my heart and soul…” I sang as I buried my teary face into his hair.
“And like a deer in the headlights, I meet my fate…”
I was taken aback a little to hear him sing the lyrics back to me… he knew them. Of course he did. It was the only thing I left him with. Nothing can describe how much I utterly hate myself for doing what I've done to this boy. Oh Josh.

~~

The heat woke me up, I was sweating buckets. Mine and Josh’s arms and legs were literally tangled together. I sat up slowly and peeked down at Josh who was still fast asleep on my stomach; his hair was damp and stuck to his sweaty forehead, his cheeks were flushed red, he was all hot and bothered too but it was nice to finally see some colour in his face now though. I sat and watched him sleep for a few minutes, admiring him, taking him in, making reality sink in that I'm finally back with him, it still didn’t seem real. I was way too hot, I tried to fan myself with my hand but it wasn’t enough, I was boiling. I carefully moved out of Josh’s hold around me, I didn’t want to wake him up and freak him out. I placed his head gently on the pillow and pulled the duvet off him so he would cool down. I walked over to his big open bay window and opened it to let some air in. Josh’s sweatshirt I was wearing was enormous on me and the sleeves hung off my hands for miles but I didn’t care, it did a good job of hiding what it needed too. I stood by the window and stared out of it as I begin to feel myself drift off in thought, I missed looking out this window, it used to help me collect my thoughts. There was a black leather notebook sitting on the window ledge similar to mine, my finger tips traced over it, curiosity getting the best of me… I picked it up and flipped through it.

I sat on the end of his bed and started reading through a few of the pages. I know I have no right, but I had too, I had to know what he had written. His lyrics were extremely painful for me to read, I never thought in a million years I hurt him this much, Oh Josh I’m so sorry. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, it really wasn’t. Me leaving was meant to give him a better chance at life, a better chance to have a happy life without me, I was too hurt and fucked up… I was only causing him pain and dragging him down with me. It was selfish of me to do that, he used to be this happy fun loving guy and I ripped it all away from him. I thought by leaving he could become that person again and forget about me, I wasn’t worth it but obviously he thought I was.
Tear drops landed on the pages of his book, running into the ink of the writing and making them blur. I sniffed trying to hold them back, this one song I was reading in particular torn my heart apart, the lyrics were so meaningful you could feel his pain of each written word.

“This is the first thing I thought
This is the last thing that I want
You were the first one I loved
You were the first love I lost
Oh
You left it too late
To change the way I think
I’ll never say never again
Those words will never ever past my lips
Oh
I’ll never say never say never again…”

More of my tears fell onto the page, I couldn’t stop them from falling, the guilt kept eating me up inside. What have I done to my perfect little sunshine?

“Oli!” Josh shouted breaking the silence.
Shit! I quickly wiped the tears from my face and threw his book under the bed before I turned to face him.
“I’m right here love, its okay.”
He looked so frighten; his breathing was fast and heavy and tears filled his eyes as he stared back at me. I crawled up the bed to him and wrapped him in my arms.
“I-I thought…” he croaked, unable to finish his sentence. I knew exactly what he was going to say, I’m kind of glad he couldn’t get the words past his lips.
“Shhhh its okay, I’m right here.”
“Oli.”
“Rest your voice love.”
He was still all hot and sweaty; I pulled him away from my chest and grabbed the bottom of his sweatshirt and pulled it off over his head. I smiled at his cute messy curly hair what the sweatshirt just cause by removing it. I’ve missed this boy so much; there really were no words to describe how much. I straighten out his fringe for him with my finger tips, tidying up the loose strains.

“Oli.”
“Josh your going to end up losing your voice if you don’t rest it.”
“Stop it!” he croaked, my eyes going wide and giving him my full attention.
“I don’t care about my voice! Stop pretending like nothing has happened!”
“I…I was only trying to help.” I mutter, ducking my head.
“Help? Really? After everything’s what happened?” he mocks.

I didn’t know what to say, the truth is I was terrified to talk to him because I knew I owed him an explanation... which he pretty damn deserved, but I was terrified, I wasn't ready to talk, I didn't know what to say to him or even know where to begin. I couldn't bare the thought of all the questioning he had waiting for me, I couldn't face it, not right now. The thoughts only panicked me more and I got irritated and lashed out at him.

“What do you want me to say Josh? You just tried to kill yourself and If I didn’t see you from the bridge you probably would have succeeded!”
“Well I guess that makes us even.” He snaps.
I let out a gasp in completely horror, he didn't just say that.
“This isn’t a game Josh. The thought of you trying to do that…” I couldn’t even finish my sentence; my throat was filled with so much hurt. I just couldn’t get over that I almost lead him to his death.
“You’ve been gone for six months… I was all alone… I-I thought you were dead.” he sobs.

Believe me there were plenty of times I wanted to be and there were a few close times where I almost succeeded. The last six months has been living hell, no words will ever describe the nightmare I have lived through.
“Was I really that easy for you to leave me?” he cries, causing me to look up at him.
I hesitated for a minute or two before I answered him, looking away from his red teary eyes which were only haunting me of the pain I put him through.
“No…"
"But you did." He sobbed pointing out the truth which made yet another tear fall from my eyes at his pain. Fuck I really can't do this.
"You just disappeared."
"It was honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.” I admit.
“You told me you loved me and then you left me… just like she left you.”
The reminder of my mother abandonment hurt me to my core. I regretted leaving him the same she left me, he was worth so much more than that but at the time I was so hurt by everything what happened, I didn’t realise what I was doing. Leaving him behind ripped my into pieces, I punished myself everyday since the day I left and I have the scars to prove it.

“I’m sorry.” I muttered.
My apology wasn’t good enough, I knew that but that was all I could give him. Josh just looked so hurt, I couldn’t bare to see him like this, see the damage I’ve done to the boy I love. I couldn’t bare the thought of him being suicidal either… the fear was beginning to haunt me, there’s no way I can have him doing anything like that again. I can’t have him feeling like that, I can’t. I can’t lose him ever again… especially not ending his life because of me. I took his teary face in my hands and stared down into his heartbreaking eyes.

“Promise me you will never try to attempt suicide again.”
“Only if you promise too.”
“Josh… I can’t… I’ve been too fucked up for far too long to promise you that.”
“Then I won’t promise you.” He frowns, pulling his face out of my hands.
“I-I will only break my promise to you like all the others I’ve broken… I’m sorry Josh but I can’t do it.” I looked away in disgust of my own words. Suicide is my saviour… I know that sounds pretty damn deluded but that’s how I feel. Suicide is the only thing I have left to take me and the pain away… its kinda last resort but I feel safe knowing its there to take me away when I chose it to. I don’t expect Josh to understand… no one ever has.
“You’re such a hypocrite! How can you ask me not to hurt myself, knowing that’s all you ever do to yourself!” He screams breaking me out of my thoughts.
Josh grabbed both my arms and started fumbling with the sleeves of my sweatshirt.

“No! Josh please, don’t!” I screamed out in panic, knowing full well what he was doing. He was trying to pull my sleeves up.
I struggled against his firm grip; he was a lot stronger than I was, I had no chance against him. He knocked me off guard, he’s never been this forceful with me before, It reminded me of my father's abuse, I was freaking out, terrified of the outcome. I couldn’t let him seen my skin, he’ll hate me!
He forcefully pulled up the sleeves of my sweatshirt, revealing all my freshly new disgusting cuts and scars.
"No!” I screamed through my cries.
He let out a loud gasp as he stared down at my revolting skin.
His face was covered in full shock and disgust; I was disgusting to him and I couldn’t bare him looking at me like that. I started to freak out, begging him to let go of me, he hated me and I couldn’t let him continue to stare so disgustingly at me.

“Josh please let go of me!”
I struggled to get out of his grip but his hands only tighten around my wrists, causing me to panic more.
“Look at what you’ve done to yourself! How could you do this?!” he yells, disgust in his tone.
“Josh please!” I begged crying harder.
"You should be ashamed of yourself!"
He threw my arms back at me, making me fumbling back slightly on the bed.
I frantically pulled down my sleeves to cover up my arms again before I fell back on to the pillow, covering my face with my hands as I burst into tears. He thinks I’m disgusting… he hates me because of them. They were my punishment for leaving him, for being such a disappointment of a child, for being such a worthless human being.
I was ashamed, not only for what I’ve done to myself but to the others around me. I couldn’t move, I was in too much pain to move, I could hardly breathe but I refused to take my hands away from my face. The tears didn’t stop falling, it was like something inside of me suddenly snapped and everything I kept hidden inside of me had found away out and decided to expose me, showing the world how weak and fragile I really am.

“Come here you stupid boy.” I felt Josh pull me into his side, I still didn’t remove my hands from my face and I just carried on crying.
His tone had changed to a soft croak, he was pitting me… I didn’t deserve his pity, I didn’t deserve anything from him. My cries were hysterical and I couldn’t seem to stop, I was shaking in my skin, and I just wanted the pain inside me to leave. I didn’t want to feel like this anymore and I didn’t want Josh to feel like this anymore… I just wanted everything to stop.

We were just too broken, we were just tearing each other apart, too much had happen in the last six months for us to go back to the way we were. It was my fault, I did this to us, I was the one to blame for our misery. He really doesn’t need me in his life, I’ve done enough damage as it is.

I inhaled in his scent from his jumper, letting it calm me as I let out a breathless sigh. I craved for his scent for months, I always found it so comforting when I slept, and it was a sign to know he was there beside me, keeping me safe. I inhaled his scent again, deeper this time but the smell went beyond his own and to a nasty salty mould smell of the river, making my nose wrinkle up from the nasty smell. He stunk, like really badly… we both did.

“I think we should have a shower. We kind of stink.” I say pulling hands away from my face and mumbling into his chest, not wanting him to see my face.
I felt his body shake and a little laugh escape from his lips, man I missed that sound.
“Speak for yourself.” He chuckle.
He got up from the bed taking my hand and pulling me up with him.
He wiped away my tears with his thumbs and held my face gently.
“Shower with me?” he hinted a cheeky smile creeping on his lips, making me let out a little laugh too.

I know what he was doing, he didn’t trust me enough to leave me on my own, I bet he thinks if he leaves me for a second I’m going to disappear again. Anyway I couldn’t bare the thought of being naked in front of him… my body was fucked up in more ways than one and I know for a fact he would notice and look at me disgustingly again. No, I couldn’t have him looking at my bare skin, I felt absolutely revolting, there’s no way I’m going to let him see my body that way again. I had to think of an excuse quick.

There was a light knock on the door; his mother peeked her head around his bedroom door before he could answer.
“Where’s my birthday boy?” She beamed a smile at him which soon disappeared when her eyes landed on me.
“Oh. Hello Oli.”
I shot a horrifying look at Josh, it was his birthday! What the fuck! He tried to end his life on his own birthday! It can’t get any worse than this… well it can because I didn’t even know it was his birthday, man I’m so fucking shit.
“Sweetheart you didn’t open any of your presents.”
“I will later mum.”
“What happened to your voice?” she looked at him concerned.
“Nothing.” He coughed trying to clear his throat.
“I thought you were celebrating with you’re friends tonight?” she asks glancing at me and then back at Josh.
Josh took my hand and pulled me close to his side, wrapping an arm around my waist. I kept my head down to avoid eye contact from both of them.
“Change of plans.”
“Oh well okay… will Oli be joining us for our take away meal then?”
“Yes he will.”

I felt so awkward, I felt his mother eyes burning into me, she hated me for hurting Josh. I didn’t blame her, I hate myself for hurting him too but she was the last person I needed to remind me what I did to him...
She's such a lovely person so its makes the situation a hundred times worse, I hurt all of them. She finally left the room allowing me to relax abit.

“She hates me.” I mumbled into Josh's shoulder, still refusing to look at him.
“No she doesn’t.” He tried to reassure me but I could easily see through it.
“Don’t lie Josh.”
I heard him let out a sigh and most probably just rolled his eyes at me. something he did often.
“It’s your birthday?” I say resting my cheek on his shoulder and finally looking up at him.
“So?” he shrugged.
“So? Josh you tried to… I... I don’t have anything to give you…”
I changed my sentence, there was no point bringing the horror up from earlier again.
He moved my fringe away from my eyes and smiled.
“Oli you are the best birthday present I could ever ask for.”
Yeah right. I didn’t believe him, I was a wreck how could he think I’m the best thing to ever happen to him. I manage to force a fake smile back at him though.

“Come on, lets get in the shower.”
He pulled me towards the door but I stopped us. Josh looking back at me, looking all concerned probably wondering why I stopped us.
“We better not… your parents are here now and I feel kinda awkward.”
I say timidly and lying. Well kind of.
I just couldn’t bare the thought of Josh seeing me naked, he would freak if he saw the sight of my body.
He looked at me anxiously; he was worried about leaving my side and it hurt me to see it.
“Josh I’m not going anywhere.” I reassured.
He bit down on his bottom lip, contemplating what to do with me.
“Okay, well you shower first then. There’s some fresh towels already in the bathroom.”
“Josh…”
“Don’t be too long in there okay, food won’t be long.”
He kissed me on the forehead before opening his bedroom door and motioning me to go to the bathroom.

There was still so much we needed to sort out… I was waiting for the hideous amount of questions he would ask me. I don’t even know what’s going on between us. Did he even want me back as his boyfriend? So much has happened and everything is such a mess I don’t think we can go back to being in a relationship…
Fuck everything; everything is so shit because of me. I just wanted to hold him close to me but it seemed so impossible without feeling incredibly guilty.
He was being so kind to me, typical Josh always being nice. I didn’t deserve his kindness but it’s just who he is, I was getting the kindness treatment whether I liked it or not.