Heart Attack Waiting to Happen

Chapter 27: We're Young and In Love.

Josh's P.O.V

We were lying down opposite each other in the secret field together;
The sun was shining bright above us and there were loads of pretty butterflies fluttering around us, the moment was so lovely and peaceful… just like it was once before.

Oli refused to take off his hoodie, I didn’t bother asking him in hope he we take off eventually but he never did. No matter how hot it got, he just planned to hide away in it, forever if he had it his way but I had other ideas. I managed to pull up his sleeves without a fuss and started kissing all the cuts and scars on his tortured skin. There were so many new ones, his inner arms were covered from wrist to elbow in them, his arm was totally destroyed. The two big scars he sliced open on both his wrists six months ago looked like they healed okay… they were a shiny silvery pink colour now. I hurt me to see him like this, to know he was in so much pain and the only way he dealt with it was to take it out on his beautiful skin. I had to help him, find him a way to stop.

“Josh please.” He lightly sobbed but I only ignored him. If he’s going to do this to himself then he needs to know I will kiss everyone until they’re filled with nothing but my love. It was my way of excepting them.
He eventually gave in and let me continue to kiss them without him begging me to stop. I heard him sniff a few times, trying to stop his tears from falling but it was exactly what he needed. He needed to be reminded of our love, and me loving him has to except his scars and I will always think he’s beautiful no matter what.
I kissed the last scar on the inner elbow and lightly stroked my finger across it; there, all better now. They’ve all been accepted by my love and hopefully there won’t be anymore joining them soon.
I pulled down his sleeves and crawled my way up to Oli, wiping the tears away from his pale wet face and placing a soft kiss on his lips.

“I love you so much, they won’t change a thing, okay?”
He nodded his head slowly at me in response and sniffed again to stop the tears.
I lent my head on his chest as we both looked up at the sky and pointed out funny shapes in the clouds. I couldn’t believe it, It felt like old times… we were laughing and joking, messing around with daises and just enjoying the moment of remembering being in love.

I was trying everything I could to make him smile and forget the last six months, I needed him to be happy, I needed him to feel loved and wanted again. And gradually over time I felt It was as if he never left and I think I can get used to that…

My phone beeped, interrupting us. And I pulled it from my pocket to see who was bothering me and to my surprise it was someone unexpected.
“Is he texting you?” Oli says in annoyance assuming it was Vic.
“Erm no, it’s my friend Kellin.”
I haven’t spoken to Kellin in weeks; I felt really bad about cutting him and Mike off because of the situation between me and Vic. It was still nice to know that Kellin still cared about me and wanted to hang out; despite me and Vic not really getting along at the moment. Good old Kellin.

“Kellin Quinn?” Oli asked in curiosity.
“Do you know him too?” I sit up and cross my legs but Oli remained laying on the grass.
“Him and Vic used to be joint to the hip.”
“Well they still kind of are.” I laughed.
“I never understood how anyone could be so happy, it was like he didn’t have a single care in the world.”
“He’s great isn’t he? He’s the sweetest guy I’ve ever met.”
Oli frowned but smiled at the same time before his expression faded away all together.
“You kind of remind me of him… well, before I ripped all the happiness from you.” He mumbles hiding under his hair.
I frowned.
“Hey, don’t say that.”
“It’s true though.” He shrugged his shoulders not caring.
“Stop.” I lent over and placed my finger over his lips.
“I don’t want to hear you talking bad about yourself anymore, okay?”
He glared at me before turning his head to the side and letting the rest of his hair fall over his face. I finally got him talking and acting normal-ish and now I had to put my foot in it which lead to him hiding himself from me and the good old silent treatment. Typical Oli.

I felt abit awkward now because at first I did want to ask him about where he’s been all this time… but the more I think about it and seeing him now, I think its best if I don’t know anything at all. I mean the past is the past, and a lot of pain lingers there for both of us and I guess I’ll be walking into a death trap if I decide to start questioning him about it all. The most important thing is that he’s back and safe with me, right where he belongs. That’s all that matters and I guess I’ll accept everything because I don’t see how things will get better if grudges are held and I just want us to move on from all that and be happy together again, which I believe we will.
If one day Oli decides to tell me about the last six months then I will listen but as for now, it’s a closed chapter.

“Did you ever talk about me in therapy?”
His eyes were fixed on a daisy he had in his hand, he seemed nervous to even look at me and to be honest, I was actually shocked he even wanted to know about my therapy sessions. I just thought it would only upset him more and close himself away from me… but I didn’t want to keep secrets from him, I wanted us to have a fresh start.
“Sometimes. I never really went into too much details.” I shied away, feeling awkward to talk about it.
“I bet Vic loved being your knight and shining armour.”
“What’s the deal with you and Vic? You used to be friends didn’t you?”
“What has he told you about me?”
He shifted his eyes from the daisy to me, looking nervous as he waited for my answer.
I hesitated for a moment; I’m not sure if I should tell him what Vic told me… I didn’t want to reopen painful wounds. Or maybe I should tell him, there’s no point hiding what I know, maybe he might feel more comfortable about me knowing and maybe want to talk about the history between them?

“He told me that you both went to the same school together... and he also told me about the time he found you in the toilets… trying to… erm…” I bit down hard on my lip. The thought was agonizing, I couldn’t even bring myself to finish the sentence and he notice.
“Oh.”
He sat up from the grass, resting his arms on his knees as he ducked his head. He looked really uncomfortable now, so much for expecting him to talk about it, I should have known better.
“You know how pretty fucked up I am anyway…” he mumbled under his breath, feeling ashamed of himself. Yes I do know but he’s still perfect to me.
“Nothing about your past can make me love you less, you should know that by now.”
I moved closer to him and rest my head against his shoulder for comfort. Because no matter what Oli told me or Vic or anyone else for that matter, nothing was going to change how I feel for him. Its true love and nothing can ruin that.
“I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve someone as remarkable as you love.” He says kissing the side of my face making me smile.
“I love you for being you.” I kissed him on the nose, making him blush which made me giggled.

I went back to resting my head on his shoulder and enjoy the moment of peaceful silence and his company.
“Earlier in the playground, Vic said you were his…” he mumbled quietly to himself.
“What?” I lift my head up, my face in sheer confusion.
I was confused at first… but then I replayed the argument in my head from earlier, yes Vic did say that. I don’t know why he did because it’s not true. I guess he’s just being an over protective best friend and is terrified of me going back with Oli.
But Oli doesn't need to worry.
"He was just angry, I guess he would have said anything."
"Do you want to be his?" he asks nervously, making my eyes go wide in shock. But I the shook my head and let out a soft sigh as I placed my hand over his.
“My heart belongs to no one but you.”
He smiled this really cute smile when I said that and I tapped him on the nose with my finger because hes the only one who will ever have my heart.

“I guess I’ve put a lot of strain on our relationship…”
It’s nothing what can’t be fixed I thought to myself.
“Well like mum always says to me, we’re young and in love heart attack waiting to happen.”
“Wise words.”
“Yeah well, all I need is for you to come a little closer to me and tell me those three little words and everything will be fine.”
I grin as I pulled him closer towards me.
“Hang on, that actually sounds good for some lyrics.”
“What does?”
“We’re young and in love, heart attack waiting to happen, come a little closer, tell me those three little words.”
“They’re perfect together, sums us up in one.”
“And it will sound even more perfect with that beautiful voice of yours… it will be our little song.”
My heart melted when he said that, I absolutely love this boy to bits and everything was just falling back into place. We were even gonna start writing together.
“I’ll try it out on guitar later; see what else we can come up with.”
“Sounds good to me.”
He leant forward and kissed me and the butterflies in my stomach were going wild. I didn’t want this day to end.

Thinking about not wanting this day to end, time has flown by I’m actually surprise at how much we did actually talk. But it was not long till I had to go to therapy and go back to reality.
Oli was currently kissing me softly and as much as I didn’t want to, I pulled away from our kiss, resting my hand on his chest.

“It’s getting late… I need to go to therapy in an hour.”
“Do you have to go?” he looked up at me with those big brown eyes of his.
“Yes, I promised Vic I would.”
He rolled his eyes.
I didn’t really want to leave Oli behind while I go to therapy because I wasn’t ready to leave his side yet… maybe I should invite him along? I know it will do him some good and maybe help our relationship.
“Why don’t you come with me?”
“I don’t think so love.” He smirks, hurting me a little.
“Why not? Its not as bad as you may think… it took me awhile to get used to it but I did find it quite helpful.”
He stayed quiet and stayed seated.
“Its better to get all the dark stuff out of your head and out in the open… trust me baby you’ll feel so much better afterwards.”
“Nothing can save me from what’s goes on inside my head.”
He was deep in thought, his words wounded me a little. We both know deep down Oli needs therapy more than I do… I only wished he could see that and want to help himself. I don’t think he realises how much therapy could help him, he keeps everything bottle up inside and it eats away at him, and therapy could actually save him.

“Please come along baby, I really don’t want to leave your side.”
Okay, there I admitted it. I didn’t want to leave his side because I was terrified he wouldn’t be there when I got back. Did that make me a bad person? A clingy boyfriend? If I even was his boyfriend… I think we were…. I mean, defiantly are. I think Oli sense that I was nervous to leave him, especially when I freaked out this morning.
“I promised you I’d never leave you again.” He says linking our fingers together.
“I know you did.”
“But you don’t trust me.”
I bit my lip as I just turned away, I felt awkward to answer him.
“Josh I understand you don’t trust me. I wouldn’t trust me either… I know I put you through hell.”
“It’s not that. I just think it’s risky for us to be apart… Oli whenever we’re not together something bad happens.” My voice was thick with worry.
“True. But I’m not going anywhere. Promise.” He whispered, kissing the back of my hand.
I sighed. Fuck, I really need to start trusting him again, but I’m just so scared. I have all this love for him, I don’t know what to do with myself, I’m terrified.

~~~

I slouched down in the chair which was already in the circle; I was a few minutes early today, I really didn’t want to be here, I didn’t see the point anymore. I was annoyed because I was wasting precious time being here while I could be spending time with my boyfriend watching crap tv and making out with him and we had a lot of that to catch up on. I folded my arms in a huff and just wished this session to hurry up and get over with.

“So you actually showed up.”
I glared up at Vic as he sat down in the seat next to me.
“You know I don’t break my promises Vic.” I huffed and turned in my seat so my body was facing away from him.
“I’m surprise you didn’t convince him to come along with you.”
“He’s fine.”
Vic sniggered.
“Yeah right, we both know that’s not true. The amount of times that guy has tried to kill himself, I’m surprised his not locked up in a mad house.”
“Vic!” I was horrified and disgusted by his words, how dare he!
I sent him a nasty death stare which shut him up. Even though it was most likely true, it still doesn’t give him the right to say those things about him, especially someone who just gave up so easily on him. Things are going to be different now he’s back with me.

“Anyway, Josh we really need to talk, after therapy.”
I ignored him; does he really think I’m going to want to talk to him now after he’s just offended Oli?! He’s got some nerve! I was fuming.
The session began, and of course John wanted to start with me as I haven’t been here the last two weeks. But I didn’t plan to go into so much detail; I just briefly mentioned that Oli was back in my life and how happy I was to have him back and how I felt like I didn’t need to come here anymore.
There were a few mixed comments from the group, speaking they’re minds and expressing they’re opinions. Some seemed really happy for me and others weren’t so supportive… including Vic which I chose to carry on ignoring. They’re all entitled to their own opinion, but I wasn’t going to let it affect me. I’ve made my decision and Oli is for keeps.

Finally the session was over, and I couldn’t wait to get out of here so I could to go back home to see Oli. Honestly at the back on my mind, I was praying to God he would still be there waiting for me.
But as I got up from my seat, Vic stepped out in front of me.

“I was going to suggest you come back to mine so we can talk?”
“Maybe some other time Vic, I just really need to get back home.”
I pushed past him not giving him the chance to argue; I didn’t have time to hang around and chat, I was so eager to get out of here so I could be reunited with my boy.

As I reached the automatic glass doors I saw my dad’s car parked up outside the front of the building, and Oli was sitting in the back seat. Relief flood through my whole body, he’s still here… just like he promised. A smiled grew on my face, maybe trusting him again isn’t going to be so bad after all, I should really stop being so paranoid.
I sense Vic’s presence beside me but I refuse to take any notice of him, I was far to busy admiring my boyfriend. Vic obviously followed my gaze and didn’t like the fact that I was smiling at Oli.

“How about I tell your dad that you tried to end your life yesterday?” Vic says bluntly, snapping me out my happy thoughts.
Sheer panic took over me, making the smile drop from my face instantly.
“No, you wouldn’t!”
“Just try me.”
He walked through the automatic doors and headed straight to my dads car. Causing me to completely freak out and ran after him, grabbing his arm to stop him to go any further.
“No Vic please don’t! Please I’ll do anything!” I begged him, my parents would go absolutely mental if they found out what I tried to do to myself. They would immediately stop me from seeing Oli and that wasn’t an option.
“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t?!” he said harshly, ripping his arm from my grip.
“Because you’re my best friend, you’re not supposed to hurt me like this!”
“Best friends are supposed to protect each other and that’s what I’m doing.” Vic hissed and stormed off towards my dad’s car again.
“No! Please Vic, please!”
I stood in front of Vic blocking his path from my dad’s car, he was about to ruin everything. I felt my chest tighten in fear and my breathing was heavy and fast, whilst tears pricked the corners of my eyes, I was having a panic attack and my best friend didn’t even care.

“They will stop me from seeing him! P-please Vic d-don’t do this to me. I can’t risk losing him again, I…I j-just can’t.”
There, I admitted it to him, my words all shaky and all over the place as I felt the tears start to roll down my cheeks.
For a moment I could feel the hole in my chest slowly being ripped open again; the thought of losing Oli yet again was all too much and I actually felt like I was about to throw up from the fear of it.
“He’s not the guy you think he is Josh.”
“I love him.” I choked through my ragged pants and tears.
Oli placed his hand on my shoulder and I flinched when I turn to see who it was, revealing the tears glistening in my eyes.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” his tone was thick with concern when he saw my current state.
“N-nothing.” I shook my head as I sobbed, burring my head into his chest as he pulled me into a secure hug. I felt him rest his chin on top of my head, rubbing my back gently to soothe me. I tried my best to hold back the tears; I didn’t want to cry here.
“What did you say to him Vic?” he demanded.
Vic let out a sound of disgust.
“Don’t even think about trying to play the innocent one Sykes!”
"I'm not the one who’s upset him."
"Well that would be the first!"
“Don’t fight.” I pull out of Oli’s hold, wiping away the tears that were still lingering in my eyes.
“Josh was about to head back to mine, weren’t you Josh?”
“Was I?” I asked confusedly.
“You owe me.” Vic’s eyes glanced over at my dad sitting in the car and then back to me.
“Oh.” Was all I was able to say.
“And that invite is for Josh only, so why don’t you head on home Oliver.”
“Yeah right, like I’m going to leave Josh with you.” Oli’s tone was rudely sarcastic as he wrapped an arm around my waist.
“What you so afraid of Oliver? Scared Josh might find out something he shouldn’t?”

I could feel the tension between them, it was horrible.
They glared at each other for an awkwardly long moment… Something didn’t seem to match up… something obviously had happened in the past between them both. But I’m not too sure if I wanted to know what… like I thought earlier, the past is the past, some things are just better off left unsaid and I think this is one thing in particular that I didn’t want to know.

“Vic, I’m not going without Oli.” I placed my hand on Oli’s arm which was wrapped around me. An hour therapy session was long enough without him, I can’t do any more.
“Actually love, you go and talk to Vic, I’ll be alright.”
“No Oli, I’m not leaving you.” I turn facing him, beyond confused.
“Its fine, I’ll be in the playground waiting for you.”
“Oli?”
I was so confused; I thought this was the last thing he would have wanted me to do. Leaving me alone to talk to Vic, wasn’t he afraid that Vic might tell me something which may ruin our relationship? Well, nothing Vic could say to me will ruin it but I know how sensitive Oli is and I know he would take any situation from the past and take it to heart.

Oli lent across and whispered a little something in my ear.
“I know deep down inside you’ll always love me no matter what.” His voice was soft like velvet.
What did he mean? I know I will always love him and he knows that too… so why the need to tell me again? Did he really want me to learn the truth about his past with him and Vic? To be honest, I want to know if that’s what he’s getting at...
He softly kissed my cheek and let go of my waist and turned to Vic.
“Be nice to him.” Oli warns.
“Like I need you to tell me that.” Vic hisses.

My eyes followed Oli stroll back over to my dad’s car; I didn’t want to be away from him again but I guess he knew that me and Vic needed to talk. I do owe Vic an explanation for not talking to him but I didn’t want to leave Oli’s side. So far he’s manage to keep all the promises he’s made me but I’m still a little scared about leaving him alone… I know I should start to trust him again but it’s still so soon and I worry about him so much, we need to be spending time together not more apart.
I looked across to Vic who was wearing a stupid smug look on his face which I just rolled my eyes at.
“You can wipe that smug look off your face Vic.”
“Whatever, lets go.”