Heart Attack Waiting to Happen

Chapter 29: Lock Me Up In You're Heart.

Josh's P.O.V

Without even realising, I’d stumbled my way to the playground.
I was in a complete daze, still trying to cope with all the new hurt and information sinking into my brain.
I froze at the foot of the gate, my teary eyes searching for Oli in the playground; he was there as promised, slouched down on the round about, which were spinning slightly.
Night fall had fallen, so it was hard to see Oli’s face from here.
I quickly wiped the tears from my face with my sleeve, hoping Oli wouldn’t notice I’ve been crying. Pull yourself together Josh! I cursed at myself; Oli will soon walk over here knowing something’s wrong if I don’t make a move now.
I cleared my throat and straighten myself out and walked slowly over to him.
I reached the round about calmly, but my words failed to escape my lips leaving me an Oli in complete utter silence.
“You hate me, don’t you?”
Oli mumbled at me under his breath, not moving from his position, keeping his face well hidden under his hair.
I didn’t know what to say to him…I didn’t hate him, I could never hate him…I wasn’t quite sure how I felt to be honest. Part of my mind felt numb and the other part was going crazy.
A couple of minutes passed by and I still didn’t reply to him, Oli glanced up, seeming concerned at my silence.
“Josh?”
I was completely frozen. Every part of my body felt numb, I could hear him perfectly fine but I just couldn’t move; my throat was dry and gasping for water, and the hole in my chest was throbbing with pain.
“Josh love?”
I felt the back of Oli’s hand softly stroke my cheek; bringing me out of my daze and making my eyes slowly focus on his.
I was finally able to move my limbs and I placed my hand on top of Oli’s which was still resting on my cheek.
“Josh…what’s wrong?”
What’s wrong? An easier question would be what isn’t wrong?
I stared deep into his beautiful dark eyes; they were the only thing holding me together right now. I didn’t want to talk, I couldn’t talk… I was lost for words. I stepped onto the round about, aggressively taking Oli’s head in my hands and pushing my lips hard against his. Oli didn’t fight back, in fact he pushed his lips hard back against mine, wrapping his arms around my waist. He must have sense that I needed him.
I pushed him backwards till his lower back hit against the centre of the round about. Our kissed became more heavy and heated; I was gasping for air but I refuse to take my lips away from his. My fingers ran through Oli’s hair, tugging at it hard as I let little moans escape my lips into his. Our bodies were stuck together like glue, I bit down hard on Oli’s bottom lip pulling at it, hearing him let out a slightly loud moan but I ignored his cry, we’ve never kissed like this before…it was sexy as hell but I was angry…I was basically taking my anger out on him. I knew this was the best way I could do it without either of us getting hurt. I felt like my heart was breaking all over again but I couldn’t do anything but love this boy, he needed to feel my pain one way or another.
I pulled away for a couple of seconds to catch my breath.
“Shit Josh.” Oli wiped his mouth, leaving a trail of blood glistening in the moon light on the back of his hand. Fuck, maybe I was abit too rough on him… but right at this moment I couldn’t care less; I needed to let it all out, I pushed my lips back onto his, not as harsh this time but still pretty forceful. I licked the blood from his lips, the warm copper taste sent me into over drive; I just wanted to rip his clothes off!
Oli’s hand pushed against my chest, I knew this was his warning sign telling me stop. I breathlessly pulled away from his lips, I didn’t want to stop but I still respectfully understood his boundaries; I lent my forehead against his.
“Josh…what the hell?” he panted.
“Make love to me.”
“What?”
“Please make love to me.”
“Josh I’m not going to have sex with you in the middle of the playground!”
I got annoyed at his negative response and pulled out of his hold, leaving him stand alone on the round about.
I don’t see why not, we could easily get away with it; it’s not like anyone walks through here at night anyway. I lent back against the side of the slide and ducked my head.
“Love…what did he tell you?”
I let out a heavy sigh.
Where do I start? I don’t even know anymore…apart from the obvious.
“You were right; I still love you no matter what…”
I was annoyed at the truth.
I’m always going to love this boy, no matter how much heartache I’m put through, my love for him is never going to die. I’ve locked him up in my heart and thrown away the key, there was no way he would ever escape me.
He was now standing infront of me, I glimpsed up at him.
“But that doesn’t mean I’m not hurting…”
A sharp pain shot through my chest, making my bottom lip tremble and tears filling my eyes.
“No, no, no, please don’t cry love.” You could hear his pain.
Oli wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me close to him as he tried to wipe away the many tears falling down my face with his thumb.
“Why do I feel like I’m going to lose you again…?” I chocked out the words, as I sobbed into his shoulder.
“Y-your not…”
“I am…I know I am…it will only be a matter of time…”
“Josh love what are you talking about? I’ve kept all my promises so far haven’t I? I’m trying my very best; I’m not leaving you ever again.”
“T-there is one promise that you refuse to make…”
He pulled out of our hug so he could see my face, but kept his hands resting on my arms. He looked confused.
I didn’t want to have to say it…but I had to, otherwise my mind will never rest.
“You need to promise me you will never kill yourself…” the words more or less burned my throat as I spoke them.
A sudden look of horror filled Oli’s face, he became awkward and nervous like the boy I first met. His hands dropped from my arms and his face was hidden by his long thick hair.
“I-I can’t promise you that…”
“Why not?!”
“You know why? You know how fucked up I am in the head…”
“But you promised me you would never leave me…that’s half the promise already made!"
He said nothing.
"So after everything that’s happen, even now your back here with me…safe from your father and everything else…you still want to kill yourself?”
“It doesn’t work like that Josh…I have my days…”
“Please Oli, you need to promise me…I can’t be in this relationship living in constant fear, it will always be in the back of my head, it will never go away…the thought of waking up and finding you dead....”
I didn’t have the strength to finish my sentence, it was just too painful to think about it let alone say it. More tears fell from my eyes, this was so heartbreaking.
“He’s told you about all the times his found me, hasn’t he? He’s scared you half to death!” Oli sounded furious.
“Vic’s only worried about me…I deserve to know how suicidal my boyfriend is…I need to find away to help you.”
“I’ll kill him for telling you this!”
“No Oli, its not Vic’s fault…I made him tell me.”
“Oh and I bet he loved telling you every little bit of my suffering!”
“Did you even know that Vic thought you were dead?!”
He froze.
“What?”
“You disappeared for three years and he actually thought you were dead…it was kind of a shock for him when he saw you today…”
I don’t know why I’m sticking up for him, I’m still fucking livid at the guy for doing what he did earlier, but Oli needs to understand that we all care about him.
“He thought I was dead…? Well he didn’t seem like he cared at the time anyway…”
“His girlfriend died of cancer not long after your disappearance…”
He looked so distraught.
“What?! S-she died? W-why didn’t he tell me?!” he stuttered.
“Maybe because he was more concerned about you than you thought…and probably because he didn’t want to put his stress onto you…”
He shook his head.
“I’m a terrible person…maybe I am just better off dead…but heaven’s full and hell won’t have me…”
His words were worrying…Vic warned me about this, he’s done this a few times before, but it started to become a habit.
“Don’t you ever say that again! I fucking love you to pieces, I don’t want you ever leaving me again, you’re such an amazing person why can’t you see that people care about you?!”
I shook his shoulders but he kept quiet and just let his tears roll down his cheeks. I pulled him to my chest; I can never stay mad at him, seeing this boy sad fucking kills me inside. Why does he want to end his life so much? Why can’t he see how much I love him? Maybe Vic even did at one point…they did kiss…maybe there’s more to that story than he let on…
I know I didn’t want to know earlier but maybe its because I needed to hear it from Oli instead…I needed to know the truth, the hole in my chest isn’t going to heal properly otherwise…I know I said I would wait for answers, but I can’t I need to know them now otherwise how are we going to get past all this?
The words were there in my throat, lingering; waiting for me to have the guts to actually say them…I was scared of the truth but I had to know. I nuzzled my face close to his ear, so he could hear me over his sobbing.
“I know that you kissed him.”
He let out a sudden gasp and froze in my arms. We both kept quite, I knew he was expecting me to go mad at him.
I went ahead and asked him the question I needed to know more than anything.
“Did you love him…?”
“No.”
I let out a sigh of relief as I looked up at the stars above.
“But you do.”
“What? No I don’t…I love you.”
“And you love him too…I’ve seen the way you look at him Josh.”
His words hurt me; I thought Oli would be the last one to say that to me… why were they all convince that I love Vic? I don’t…
“He’s my best friend.”
“And you hate being away from him? He makes you happy when I’m not around? You smile when you’re with him? He makes you feel like there’s still hope left in the world… He helped you through all the pain I put you through when I was gone?”
I said nothing, but frown at the truth.
“Yeah, you love him Josh.”
“I don’t…” I whimpered.
Ducking my head down and started too sobbed to myself. Where is this all coming from? Twice in one night, this subject was killing me…Next I will have Mike and Kellin on my back telling me I love Vic… My heart tells me I love Oli and only Oli…Vic is there but not in the same way…I don’t understand how they can see this and I can’t.
Oli placed his finger under my chin and brought up my face so our eyes would meet.
“It’s okay, I understand… he was there for you…”
“Oli I don’t lov-”
He put his finger over my lips.
“I know you love me more…and I know I’m the one you want to be with.” He smiled kindly at me.
I felt so confused and hurt…my head was going to burst with all this drama.
“Why didn’t you tell me about you and Vic before?”
“There was nothing to say.”
“You kissed him.”
“So?”
“Did you guys do anything else…?”
I was hinting at him for more information about them.
“No…It was only that one kiss. But why does it even matter, it was years ago?”
“I thought I was your first…”
“You are… well apart from that kiss…but you’re the first one I’ve ever fallen in love with and you’re the first one I’ve made love to…”
But I wasn’t his first kiss… Dammit Vic!
What am I doing? I shouldn’t be complaining! Fuck Josh you selfish git…the boy admits that you’re the first person he’s ever loved and that still isn’t good enough?! I was jealous at Vic but whatever, Oli is mine and I know it must have been hard for him to admit that to me… He’s love was all that I needed…and his promise.
“I love you.”
“I know…I love you too.”
“Please promise me.”
“Josh…”
“Please.” I begged.
“I can’t promise…but I’ll try my best to get better.”
He wasn’t going to promise me…which meant I had to sleep with one eye open still. Oh Oli.
I kissed his hair; I just have to except the fact he’s always going to feel like this.
“Let’s go home.”

I sat back on my bed and frowned at my phone. I had five unread text messages from Vic and it was going to stay like that… I turned my phone off and placed it on the bed side table, I can’t be dealing with anymore drama tonight… I just want to sleep peacefully with my boy.
“Is everything alright?”
He noticed me frowning at my phone, I leant over across him.
“Fine now I’m in bed with you.” I smiled and placed a kiss on his lips; he hissed with pain, his hand tracing over his bottom lip. Shit, I forgot.
“Sorry baby, does it still hurt?”
His bottom lip was slightly swollen from where I took my anger out on it earlier…now I felt pretty bad.
“Abit…but I’m fine.”
“Come here.” I opened my arms out to him, letting him snuggle into my chest and snuggle his face into my neck.
My fingers were softly stroking circles into his back, making him all relaxed and sleepy. Hopefully tonight will be a better goodnight sleep for the both of us.
“Sing to me.” He whispered.
The horrible memory of his mother words flooded my mind.
“All I had to do was scoop him up in my arms and hold his precious head to my chest and sing to him, it would make him sleep almost straight away.”
Ugh, she disgusts me.
“I’m not your mother Oli.”
Shit, I didn’t mean to say that out loud!
He sat up, looking at me all puzzled and concerned.
“What?”
“Nothing…”
“No…what does you singing to me have to do with my…mum?”
I could tell it took a lot for him to choke that out, but I just looked down at my fingers, ignoring his question.
“Josh, tell me now.”
His eyes were filled with tears and heartbreak.
“She told me when you were younger and whenever you were scared, all she had to do was hold you close to her chest and sing you to sleep…”
He sat and said nothing.
“I thought the reason why you fell asleep to my singing was because you loved me, not because of a lost childhood memory…”
He had the saddest look on his face I have ever seen; it was truly heartbreaking. I saw a tear roll down his cheek.
“I-I don’t even remember…” He chocked.
Fuck, why did I have to ruin the moment, why did I have to mention that stupid woman! I know that subject is way too fragile for him to talk about yet…
I sat up beside him, and lent my head against his shoulder for comfort.
“Baby I’m sorry.”
“I just want you to sing to me…not her…you.”
His cry became more hysterical and heart wrenching to listen to.
I let out a sigh.
How could I say no to him? He was my perfect little angel, I could never say no to him. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him back down onto the bed with me.
I slowly stroked my fingers through his hair while he continued to cry into my chest. I quietly started singing to him.
“Keep me in your skin, keep me in your chest, I’ll wait for this to start, I’ll wait for it to end. Keep me on my toes, keep me in the know… just crash, fall down, I’ll wrap my arms around you now. Just crash, it’s our time now. To make this work second time around…”
“Thank you.”
His words were thick with sleep, it worked.
I kissed his head softly goodnight, my precious angel I will love you forever.

I woke to find Oli still peacefully asleep in my arms.
Wow this is a first, he’s always awake before me, and sometimes I would catch him looking at me when I woke up, which I always thought was cute and made him blush.
And this is also the first time I’ve woken up peacefully and had a decent night sleep too! The nightmares have stopped completely… I guess my mind was at some sort of peace…but I was still so worried about Oli.
Not wanting to get out of bed and disturb him from his sleep, I reached for my phone and decided to read through the unread messages Vic sent me last night.
Text messages:
“Josh I’m so sorry! Please come back to mine, we can talk things through x”
“Please don’t hate me! I didn’t mean to force you into that kiss, I’m so stupid, I just panicked!”
“Please text me back :( ”
“Please Josh, I didn’t mean to hurt you. Answer me.”
“Without you there is no me…”
“Maybe its for the best that we stay away from each other…but please don’t hate me, I only did what I did because I love you and I really don’t want to see you get hurt again… maybe one day you’ll understand and find it in your heart to forgive me. I’m sorry for everything, I just want you to be happy... even if it is without me.”

A lump formed in my throat and my eyes watered as I read the last text message. Fuck, why is everything so shit? I missed Vic so much already, the hole in my chest felt like it was burning…but I didn’t understand; Oli was back in my life now and I thought the hole closed completely…but I guess my heart had other ideas and decided to rip open another hole just for Vic. Great.
I’m still so angry at him, not only because he forced me to kiss him…it should never have happened like that…its was suppose to be special…
But he was determine to blame Oli for everything and not understand my feelings for him. Why is everything so complicated?! I just want my best friend back and I want my boyfriend too…why can’t we all get along?
“Love?”
Great I’ve woken Oli up. I sniffed back my tears; hopefully he wouldn’t notice I’ve been tearing myself up about last night.
I sneakily hid my phone under my pillow, so Oli wouldn’t know Vic’s text messages had upset me.
“Yes baby?”
“What’s wrong?”
I sniffed again.
“Nothing baby, I’ve just got abit of a cold…”
Well that was true; I had a runny nose and a cough from the river incident two days ago.
He turned onto his stomach, still not leaving my arms; his chin rested softly on my chest and his beautiful eyes glanced up at me through his lovely long eye lashes. He was adorable, he looked all sleepy and his flicky bed hair was all over the place. I couldn’t help but smiled at him.
“What you smiling at?”
“I just love waking up with you in the morning…especially when you look as adorable as you do now!”
He blushed at my words and he smile shyly back at me.
“Aww baby have you gone all shy?” I teased him.
“No.”
What a little liar, his rosy cheeks were in my favour! I pulled his light skinny body on top of me before he got away. He weighed nothing, which made it easier for me to have my way with him.
“Hey, no fair!”
“You’re all mine now.” I shot him a cheeky smile as my arms locked around his back.
“I was always yours.” He whispered.
I lifted my head up and place a soft good morning kiss on his lips; I remembered his lip was still sore from last night so I took my time, placing gentle long wet kisses on his lips. I felt Oli’s lips spread open into a smile on mine.
“Someone’s abit happy this morning…” he giggled.
My eyes flew open and my cheeks flared red as I notice how tight my boxers had become. Shit! Oli giggled into my chest.
“Well can you blame me for getting turned on when you’re looking all adorable and kissing me like that?!”
He just smiled at me ridiculously, he was just so perfect.
“Well I guess I better see to you’re needs…”
My heart skipped as Oli shot me a kinky smile; his fingertips curled into the waist band of my boxers, his lips left a trail of kisses along my hip bone.
I swallowed hard and arched my back up towards him, fuck he’s such a tease!
“Someone’s eager…” he giggled.
“Please baby.”
“Okay love.”
He pulled down my boxers and made sweet soft love to me. Now that’s what I call a perfect wake up call.

“Ice cream with lots of sprinkles and strawberry sauce, for my perfect boy.”
I came back into my room with all smiles, handing Oli a bowl of ice cream I made.
He smiled like a big kid.
We decided to stay in and eat crap…well, yummy ice cream by yours truly and watch my Fresh Prince of Bel-Air box set. It was the perfect Josh and Oli day; we needed to spend a day like this together just to catch up on all the days we’ve missed out.
I was too focus watching the tv; I ended up spilling chocolate sauce all down my shirt.
“Josh love, you’re such a baby.” Oli laughed at me.
“Hey you’re one to talk!”
I lightly hit my spoon on the end of Oli’s nose, leaving a blob on ice cream on it. I burst out into laughter; the look on his face was priceless!
“Right, you’ve asked for it now!”
He came at me with his spoon full of ice cream, ready to attack me with it.
“Oli no!” I shouted.
It turned into a full blown ice cream war; we were in fits of laughter and basically wrestling each other on my bed. Oli being a bag of bones that he is, I easily had the upper hand on this game; I manage to roll over on top of him and pin his hands up above his head, he had no escape now!
“Josh I’m sorry!”
“Your apology won’t save you now Sykes!”
I placed my spoon in my mouth and smothered his face in ice cream, he tried his best to fight his way out of my hold but he had no chance.
“Ahhh Josh stop it, its cold!” He shouted breathless through his laughter.
I dropped the spoon from my mouth, I couldn’t control my laughter anymore; he just looked so ridiculously funny covered in ice cream.
Once I slightly calmed down; I licked the ice cream off his nose, making him pull a face.
“Yum, Oli ice cream.”
I licked my lips, that weren’t so bad…I want more.
We began to kiss, but my lips left his as I trailed up the side of his face, licking the ice cream in my path. It was sexy as hell, especially hearing him moan.
I started licking and sucking the chocolate sauce along his neck, smiling at the soft moans escaping his lips.
“Round two babe?” he hinted jokily.
“Hmm don’t temp me.”
There was a knock on the door, making me and Oli jump off each other in fright, hurrying to wipe the ice cream off our faces.
My mum opened the door.
“Sweetheart you have a visitor here to see you.”
I sat up from the bed, curious to know who it was.
Kellin stepped into my room.
“Kellin!” I shouted.
A smile beamed across my face, making me jump off the bed towards him. I was met with the same big inviting smile.
“Hey man!”
He pulled me into a brother hug, it was so nice to see him; it’s been weeks!
“How did you know where I live?”
“Ha funny how you should say that…our dads kinda work together and my dad told me your address…so I thought I’d pop round to say hi! I missed you dude!”
I completely forgot our dads work together; dad mention something before but I didn’t take much notice of him.
“I missed you too, I’m glad you came round.”
The smile didn’t leave my face, I don’t think I even realise how much I missed them all. Even Mike, when he hugged me last night it was the best feeling ever, shame we couldn’t hang out.
Kellin looked at me abit dodgy.
“Erm Josh…you have something on your face.”
My hand stroked my cheek, which was met with a cold wet melted ic cream.
I still had ice cream across my face! Oli you little shit you could have told me! I felt a little stupid.
Oli laughed at me quietly in the background, making Kellin peek over my shoulder at him.
“Oliver! It’s so nice to see you again.”
Kellin walked over to my bed pulling Oli into a hug, taking him by complete surprise… I watched them closely. I remember Vic saying Oli was jealous of Kellin at school…I don’t see why, Kellin didn’t have a single bad bone in his body to hate. Oli looked slightly uncomfortable in his hold and patted him awkwardly on his back.
“Seriously dude, you have know idea how happy I am to see you again.”
Kellin obviously thought he was dead too, I guess it’s just as much a shock for him as it was for Vic. This was difficult for me to watch, they all thought he was dead…and they’re all so happy to know that he’s alive, why can’t he see this? And why won’t he promise me the one thing I want most? My heart began to ache.
Kellin flipped his fringe out of his face and turn towards me.
“So er, what you guys up to?”
“Eating ice cream and watching Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.”
“Awesome…you don’t mind if I hang with you guys?”
“Course not, make yourself at home.”
I ran downstairs to get Kellin a bowl of ice cream so he wouldn’t feel left out.
This was great, I loved the fact Kellin was here and we were all friends just hanging out and having fun. Just like old times.
Apart from the two which were missing…
I let out a sigh as I accidentally squirted abit too much chocolate sauce on Kellin’s ice cream…oh well, I hope he likes chocolate!

We sat and watch Fresh Prince laughing and joking, Kellin sat crossed legged on my computer chair happily eating his ice cream, while me and Oli were laying beside each other on my bed, holding hands. We didn’t want to make Kellin feel awkward at all, by being all lovey dovey and our faces practically glued to each others, so we kept it casual.
The episode ended and I got up to put in the next disc for us to watch. Kellin’s words knocked me off guard.
“I don’t really want to get involved but…Vic’s pretty cut up Josh.”
I can’t hate Kellin for mentioning Vic, I know he was only being a decent friend to him, he probably felt like he needed to say something.
“I don’t know what to say Kells…”
I felt awkward, I really didn’t know what to say to him; we were both so angry and hurt and we both wanted different things… we were clashing and it was making things difficult.
“He’s really sorry about what happen last night, he didn’t mean to take it that far.”
“Why, what happen?” Oli’s eyes met mine showing concern, wanting answers.
Shit! Vic obviously told Kellin he kissed me last night, but I really didn’t want Oli finding out like this…it wasn’t the right time!
“Nothing happened; we just argued that’s all.”
I lied; I smiled at him assuring him everything was okay. Josh Franceschi you absolute dick, I felt my stomach turn in shame.
I shot a look over at Kellin, letting our eyes speak for themselves. He knew not to mention anything about that kiss.
“Well erm, yeah…I just thought you should know that he’s sorry.” Kellin looked sympathetic.
We all just sat there with our heads down, neither one of us knew what to say about the matter…I’ve never felt silence quite this loud.
“I’m sorry guys, I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Don’t be sorry Kellin; I understand that you felt like you had to say something.”
“I miss hanging out with you Josh, like today’s been awesome…it just kind of sucked that Vic and Mike weren’t here with us.”
I felt guilty. Today would have been perfect if they were both here, but that’s not gonna happen any time soon. There was too much friction between me, Oli and Vic.
Kellin pulled out something from his pocket and handed it to me.
“The fun fair is coming back into town next week, we should all go.”
I stared down at the crumpled leaflet.
“Me and Oli went to this last time it was here.”
I smiled at him; we had such a fun time that day but Oli didn’t seem all that impressed with the idea of us going…which made me think differ.
“Maybe that’s not such a good idea…”
“Aw come on Josh, you guys need to try and get along again.”
“What do you think Oli?”
He shrugged.
“Don’t ask me.”
“Of course I will, your apart of this too. I’m not going if you’re not going.”
Kellin sat on the end of my bed, I guess he knew Oli needed to be convinced more than I did.
“Please Oliver, I know Vic will be happy if you both come along.”
“I doubt that.” Oli mumbled.
“Pleaseeeee!” Kellin started whining at him childishly, I joined him.
We both stared at Oli with big puppy dog eyes and our bottom lips sticking out; we looked so stupid but we were trying to convince Oli to say yes.
I wanted to go…mainly for Kellin and Mike, it would be nice for all of us to hang out and spend sometime together; its been so long and I thought if Oli comes and see how much everyone missed him and enjoys having him around, he’ll feel better about himself.
He rolled his eyes and gave in.
“Fine, alright we’ll go.”
“Yay!” we both cheered at the same time.
Me and Kellin high five each other and I jumped forward into Oli’s chest and hugged him tight.
“Thanks babe!”
Kellin laughed.
“Great that’s settle then, see you both next week!”