Clarity

Xianghua couldn’t sleep after what happened. How could she? All she could think about was how warm his lips were on hers and the butterfly sensation that fluttered in her stomach as he held her. In that moment in time she believed that he loved her in some way. It is a sick demented way of thinking such things when she knew it will never happen.

But somehow in the back of her mind, that kiss kept replaying in her mind trying to decode the message behind it. Ben told her that he missed her as much as the kiss he expressed and much more. The problem was to figure out what the kiss meant.

Behind it, it felt like a sense of belonging, love and desperation. It can be all of her feelings that were swirling inside of her at the time and not his. She couldn’t be played for a fool. Not this time. Keeping herself together, she rolled around in her bed throughout the night. In the wee hours of the morning, Xianghua finally had enough of her restlessness.

Getting up she padded down the hall stopping at the bedroom Ben is currently occupying. A soft snore echoed in her ears giving her some relief that he is still asleep. Continuing her way to the living room she brewed tea in a kettle and took out the pork meat buns that she made the day prior.

Warming up her breakfast, not much of a breakfast, but it will suffice since she didn’t feel like making anything that particular morning. Xianghua anxiously waited for Ben to wake up. Most would probably rudely wake up their guest and kick them out for such stupor actions the day before, better yet probably wouldn’t have let them stay to begin with.

Her kind heart reminded her to put out aspirin and water for him. Gathering the tablets and glass of water, she tip toed into his room little to no noise and placed the items on the nightstand before walking out.

Settling on the couch with the tray of meat buns and tea, she began to nibble on the savory treat. The scathing tea burned the tip of her tongue, something that she firmly welcomed. Every pain that has been inflicted on her she felt like she deserved somehow. A punishment for letting Ben back into her heart so easily purely out of a drunken kiss.

Combing her fingers through her wavy hair in frustration she knitted her eyebrows. Nothing made sense at the moment and until she spoke with him, she wouldn’t know what to do next.

It took no more than a few hours to hear the shuffling in her guest room. Xianghua froze in her place, honing in on her hearing to see if he is indeed awake. It happened a few times prior to that only to be masked by her nerves. This time it was him. Her heart started to do flips as she saw Ben standing near the hallway at the corner of her eye.

“Good morning.” She softly said.

A low grumble emitted from Ben’s throat, avoiding his frame she stood from her seat and scurried to the kitchen. “I hope you took the medicine I put on the nightstand for you. I made tea and can warm you up pork meat buns if you like?”

Her back is still facing him as her lips moved a million miles a minute. Ben barely caught the second half of her rant beckoning a small, “Huh?” from his lips. Xianghua paused noticing that her nerves are getting the best of her. Retracing her steps, she turned her head with a tight smile repeating herself only a little more slowly.

Only a few seconds to let him process what she said; he sluggishly walked across the room towards her. Pinching the bridge of his, he groaned again his head feeling like a jackhammering is pounding into his cranium.

“That would—be pleasant. Thank you.” He mustered up the words to say.

Xianghua immediately placed a cup of mint tea to soothe his headache. She frowned seeing his hand covering part of his face, clearly in agony. He drank more than she assumed he did. Turning to heat up the buns, she paused when she heard his deep groggy voice ask, “What happened last night?”

Did he really not remember?

Something inside of her flipped, a piece of her heart broke as she nimbly shrugged. “N-nothing much. You came over and…fell into my couch. I persuaded you to take the guest bed and that’s it.” She ended with a squeak.

Ben raised his head hearing the nerves creeping into her voice as she explained last night. Something went on that she isn’t telling him. “What really happened last night, Xianghua?” He got the same answer; nothing. Nothing happened. “Xianghua.”

“I said nothing happened! Alright?!” She shouted.

Her brown eyes widened in shock, pulling back she pursed her lips. It was then that Ben realized that this is the first time he hasn’t seen her with red lipstick. Xianghua always had red painted on her lips that he honestly didn’t know what color they naturally were. They were a pretty pink, a pale pink that actually suited her skin.

Reeling back his thoughts, he concentrated on the task at hand. “You wouldn’t be so defensive if something happened. Tell me, Xianghua. Did I do something to offend you? You’re body language is telling me that you are uncomfortable with me, not because of me per say, but what I did. So tell me, what did I do?”

“I’m not uncomfortable.”

“Yes you are.”

“I’m not.” She persisted.

“Xianghua.” His blue eyes grew hard the medicine finally kicking him helping him zone in on her antics. She barley stood close to him more than necessary, she took quick steps back after she served him and her eyes barely made contact with his.

Ben is hurt by her distant actions. He shouldn’t be shock due to not seeing her for months and now that he has seen her, there is a numbing throb in his heart. It was then he realized how much he missed her presence. Being so used to having her around to none at all really hit home.

Xianghua sighed, crossing her arms on her chest. “You told me how much I hurt you when I cut you out of my life, how much you are going to miss me and showed me by kissing me. I rather you not say anything; I don’t want you to apologize. I just want you to leave before I start crying—I needed space and for you to come to my door…I don’t need this. You’re not helping and I’m glad that I’m going to the states with Tom because I seriously need some time and space especially after this.”

Harshly biting her tears back, Ben sat there in awe before he slowly stood up. “I’ll leave.” Xianghua watched as he walked into the guest room and came out not a minute later with his sweater and shoes. He left without a word or eye contact and when the door quietly closed behind him, uncontrollable tears tumbled down her cheeks.

Collapsing on her knees, she sobbed into her hand.

She didn’t know how long she sat there, but when Tom called with his usual chirpy self he drew concern at her quiet voice. Xianghua told him what happened, he cursed silently. He did not believe how Ben could foolishly do something like that.

Reassuring her that everything is going to be fine, he reminded her that he will pick her up within a couple of hours so they can head to the airport. With mumbled goodbyes, she hung up the phone. Climbing onto her feet she grabbed the untouched tea she set for Ben and dumped it into the sink along with the meat buns in the trash.

She made sure everything was in the dumpster and cleaned out her fridge for food that is going to expire while she is away. Xianghua is used to the routine given she traveled with Ben, not as far as the states, but far enough to clean out everything.

Towing her bags to the front door, she changed her clothes into a summer dress remembering what Paty said about weather in the states. It’s usually warm year around except for some parts of the country where the seasons actually changed. She doubled checked the weather to see it will be mid-seventies warm weather for her.

The rapid knock on the door had her up on her feet and dashing towards it. When she opened it she was attacked by a head of dark brown curls. “Paty?” Xianghua blinked. She didn’t think Paty would see them off due to her being so busy herself.

Paty pulled away with a charming smile, “Didn’t think I would let you leave without a proper farewell? You should know me better than that, Xi. That and I managed to squeeze a bit of more time before I go to rehearsal.”

“Ready to go?” Tom’s voice reeled her in; taking a look at him she nodded with a smile. The last thing she wanted is for Paty to know what is going on. She did love Tom to keeping certain things to himself when it concerned her, she will tell Paty on her own time. Not now though. Paty bumps into Ben at points in time to catch up, didn’t want her to have a reason to attack the poor, confusing, frustrating—no, she shouldn’t think like that.

Happy thoughts.

Tom grabbed Xianghua’s belongings taking them to the car. Paty skipped alongside her, but she could see the sadness that emitted from the bride-to-be when they reached the airport. Grabbing her own bags, Xianghua gave the two their space before entering the terminal with cameras flashing from every corner, blinding her.

Distinct questions were thrown at them, most were bizarre given the assumption that her and Tom were together? She almost smiled bitterly at the accusations, Tom is a happily engaged man, something pictures can capture when he is around his beloved and yet they point fingers at her saying she is the other woman? Just because she is traveling with Tom?

Then when they crossed over to asking questions about Ben, the frown could not be hidden any longer. Their snide remarks on her jumping from Ben to Tom were ridiculous. Yes, she has been linked to Ben when he started to gain fame from Sherlock, but Ben thankfully silenced rumors by saying she is his assistant.

But now that she hasn’t been following Ben like a lapdog anymore the rumor mill started to spin again when pictures of her and Tom surfaced.

When they reached the plane, Xianghua collapsed on the first class seat with despair. Holding her cheeks with her hands, she mumbled with sincerity, “I am so so very sorry. The rumors that have been going on are just…absurd. Funny how I was running from the fashion industry for this only for it to come around again now; you and Paty don’t deserve this.”

Tom planted his hand on her shoulder, “Don’t be silly. They are just rumors. Paty knows it isn’t true, I know it’s not and so do you. That’s all that matters. It’s just easy to believe because of the close connections with our circle of friends. It will soon fade, I promise you.”

Xianghua is still unsettled with the rumors; if the paparazzi were giving her attention there is bound to be something on the net about her as well and will transfer to the television. The image of her face splashed across the media and newsstands made her queasy. Deeply inhaling, the tension from her muscles relaxed a bit.

The flight made her hoarse and fatigue from all the laughter and joy Tom brought along with him. He is a great conversationalist sharing stories leaving all the stress and worries behind. Xianghua smiled hugely as she leaned against the window listening to Tom’s voice go up an octave as he tried to imitate his fiancé.

Xianghua loud laughter alarmed her, slapping a hand over her mouth she apologetically waved at the flight attendant giving her a look. “That was—horrible. She does not sound like that.”

“I think I know what my fiancé sounds like, Xi.”

“From that imitation, I beg to differ. Why did you voice go so high? It’s naturally not like that.” Xianghua bit her lip at the mocking displease look that her friend is giving her. Tom beckoned for a demonstration, one that she couldn’t fulfill because she had to bite back a laugh when a strange noise came out of her mouth.

“Wh-what was that?” Tom asked in a fit of laughter.

“I-I don’t know.”

The two settled down when their feet touched American soil. Xianghua felt relieve as barely any paparazzi were at the airport. Luckily within minutes the paparazzi caught wind of another celebrity going through the terminal and left them alone.

“Times like those that I am glad someone is a lot more famous than I am.” Tom chuckled, readjusting his bag on his shoulder.

She couldn’t agree more. As they rented a car and were on their way to the hotel, an odd feeling came about her when Tom checked them both in. Xianghua about to protest on paying for her own room, he silenced her quickly as he paid for the hotel fee.

When her body hit the bed she felt the jet lag catching up to her. “I’ll see you later. Call me when you wake up.” Xianghua lifted her hand to show that she is listening before her eyes closed and let herself into a deep slumber.

Soft tender kisses were placed along her delicate spine, the soft skin shivered under the loving touch from the man above her. Xianghua sighed happily in her sleep as she felt a hand touch her hip gently before hearing the silky voice of the man she didn’t want to hear at the moment.

“Xianghua.”

Xianghua jolted awake, brown eyes wide in fright as she still felt her skin tingling from the kisses that were demostrated from the dream. It was all just a dream. A disgusting sense washed over her as she remembered what she endured while being around Ben.

He didn’t deserve to be on her mind, not at the moment. It felt impossible to get away from him even though they were thousand miles apart.

Checking the clock, she got a good six hours of sleep in. Still she felt tired; regardless she got up and freshened up. Tugging on a fresh casual dress over her slender body she smiled as the sun shone brightly into her room. The day is nearing midday and remembering what Tom told her, she dialed his number. It took a few rings before a groggy sound of Tom hit her ear.

“Guess you were still sleeping.” Xianghua sheepishly said. “Do you want extra time? I can always come back to get you later.”

Tom refused, “No, that’s quite alright. I need to get used to the time zone here and I can’t have you wandering around here alone especially on your first time to the states.”

Xianghua chuckled as it hit her that she is indeed in the states. It felt odd thinking that she would have thought she would have her first travels internationally with Ben and not Tom. The warmth of the sun hit her back as she nodded in solace. “Right. Get ready then. Half the day is already wasted.”

She could almost hear him grin, “It’s lovely to have another morning person around. I’ll be ready in twenty.” The quick exchange ended and to deter her sleepiness she logged into her laptop and checked the schedule she has planned for Tom during their stay. Since they were one of the first to arrive they had a day to themselves before Tom will be working long grueling hours for the new movie.

Something nagged her to type her name on the Google engine, dozens of articles were bound to be posted already and knowing them they would have looked at her previous background and display the former rumors igniting them once again. That is her worst fear, to have everything so open to the public.

Her heart hammered in her chest as she typed in Tom’s name instead and the first thing to pop alongside his name was hers and the second one was ‘cheated on fiancé’. She frowned as she clicked on the articles seeing the pictures of her and Tom walking through around London, dashing from one place to another and then at the terminal. Most of the pictures of them were all smiles and what made her heart drop were the pictures correlated with them.

There alongside those pictures were of her and Ben. Almost identical, smiling and not having much care for the cameras. It shattered her heart when she read the headline, Famewhore? Dozens of names were associated with her linking from gold digger to friend hopper. Many say she is around them just to restart her career in the fashion world, to get publicity before she started her own line.

What line? She isn’t even thinking about jumping back in the fashion world and yet they are making assumptions? Xianghua clutched the bottom of her dress with teary eyes, the accusations she didn’t want to be published were.

Former stylist Xianghua Madhavan currently has been linked to Benedict Cumberbatch for number of years before moving on to Tom Hiddleston. Despite the actor being engaged, she doesn’t care about his status wanting him for herself. “There is nothing she will do to gain fame”, says former mentor Donovan Madrid. “She thought she shoot herself into the limelight before getting back into the fashion world. Let me tell you, she is not welcomed.” Clearly, things have not been resolved between the two; Madrid himself previous praised Madhavan for her potential before things went sour. Donovan also stated—

Xianghua couldn’t even read the rest as she exited the window. This is the drama she is trying to avoid and now everyone that has been associated with her is going to be pulled into this. She is no one special and giving her that spotlight is unsettling. For a while even months, she isn’t going to get peace. She knows it.