You Know That I'm Right.

"Serena just, try to focus please. Can you hand me the cards." My plus was ticking like a time bomb. A big test in AP Algebra was coming up and I was desperate for a good grade. I've always been competitive, sports, school, games, everything. It wasn't my best side and more than often it brought out the bad in me.
I was home alone for the month since today as mom went on a long business trip. A time when she could be alone and not cry whenever she saw me and my new horrible look as she had thought, I could tell. I was still happy over my, or Serena's, choice over the septum piercing. It matched well for me and I'd gotten several compliments.
"Sorry! You need to calm down Blakey, you're getting rashes." that was a joke, I hope.
"I need an A or I'm done."
"You're not, you'll get amazing grades as usual. You can get into any college you want next fall."
"Not Harvard, not Brown, not Princeton, not any college that will cost more than Beyoncé's life insurance."
"Calm down. You don't need an Ivy League college to be a success in life."
"I know, I know. I just want… do something." Serena burst into a coughing fit but I could hear her constant repeating of Alec between coughs. "Again Serena, friends, not interested."
"You're breaking the poor boys heart."
"You're the one to talk, Travis, Tim, Oscar who for the record is still my friend despite you taking his virginity and then crushing his heart but mostly ego, and let's not forget Nick. And that's just high school."
"I get it, I like boys and they like me."
"Yeah no kidding."
"What's that supposed to mean?" our little friendly bricking had slowly turned into an actual argument.
"Sorry, I didn't mean anything with it." I dropped the pen I had been biting on trying to erase the comment I had just made.
"No, you meant something with that. Are angry that I date a lot?"
"No, no I don't care if you date it's just… no it's nothing."
"Did I date someone you like?" Yes.
"No!" Lie, Nick.
"Do you promise I didn't?"
"Yes." I'm digging my grave.
"Good. I'm sorry if you're bothered with my dating I never knew."
"I'm not bothered, date the whole school I don't mind Serena." I mind all the time, I'll never tell you however. Being me sucked. "I'm worried about the test. I'm sorry."
We sat in silence after that. Me reading through my algebra and Serna looking at articles and photos for the school paper since she's the editor.
"Did I really take Oscars virginity?" our friendship was back to normal.
"Oh yeah, where would he lose it otherwise? He trembles like a leaf around girls, sentiently now."
"I feel bad, he's nice."
"And he's over you, don't worry. He's shy as hell, nothing you could do about it."
This was our usual conversation. Me making sure Serena didn't feel bad about her casual hook ups. I admired her for being mature enough to handle them. She had a few, nothing to be ashamed of and she wasn't.
"Isn't it funny you're just as attractive as me but you've never gotten something?" and there was the other part of our friendship. Serena's desperate need for casual conversation about sex.
"Serena, we're not having this discussion, ever."
"Don't be such a prude, please tell me why you haven't? You have guys kissing your feet if you wished, trust me. Do you want to have sex? Are you A-sexual?"
"Serena, good god I'm just not you. I'm awkward as hell and I don't want to sleep with someone unless I know I really love them ok?"
"But why? Sex is fun, nothing wrong with it?" she needed a girl to talk to everything she was feeling all the time. She'd picked the wrong best friend sadly.
"It's just the way I am." I sighed and after a while we both bursted into laugher at our stupid conversation.

"Can't you go on one date with Alec? Maybe there will be sparks, you could give him your flower!" I wanted to close the door in the face with her stupid mocking grin.
"Don't call my virginity that ever again, it's creepy." she laughed and started walking down the stone path to the street.
"Bye, see you on monday"
"Goodbye, maniac."
I watched as she started her car and drove down the dark street. It was early October and the air was chillier than usual in the Chicago area. The maple trees lining the entire street and neighborhood were shaking, their leaves turning into different shades of yellow, orange and red each day. I hand't taking my daily run yet and I didn't want to go inside again and be reminded that mom just left with only a note telling me she'd be back later in November. I already knew where I was going to run, it would be dark within two hours so should hurry since it usually took half an hour to the cemetery and then 20 minutes back. It always went faster home, no surprise since I try to push everything away then. Rather physical pain than mental when it came to me, another thing that wasn't health about me.
I put on my headphones and made my way to the sidewalk that followed next to the road all the way to the cemetery with only a few turns. I was ready to run but when I came outside it felt pointless, why would I run to see dads name carved into stone? It felt too real suddenly. He was gone, he wasn't going to pick me up, spin me around and call me his little dragon. I didn't want to go inside again, it was yet another place where it was too real. Every spot around me was somewhere dad had been. But I didn't want to stand in front of the house crying because I could feel the tears coming. Quickly I made my way over the street, walking over the soon brown grass to sit down on a cold park bench. I looked out over Lake Michigan trying to understand why it hit me so suddenly. I missed dad so much, everyday when I woke up I kept wishing that it was all a dream. I couldn't be stuck here with only mom who never wanted to be around me. But that was the harsh reality. And now I was left alone for a month, maybe longer, crying on a bench. I missed the heat of summer, I didn't like late fall. Halloween was creeping up on everyone as well and Serena would make me go to this party. I didn't disagree with her when it came to my social life, it wasn't good. It hand't been good since dad died either but then I had at least tried. Now every party ended with me extremely drunk crying on the floor in Serena's bathroom. It was something similar to this only I wasn't slurring about how much everything was horrible and how I wanted to die. I tend to be a bit over dramatic when intoxicated.
"Hey, are you alright?" I turned around and sighed. This is not what I needed right now.