To Live Is Just to Fall Asleep

"Please, don't take this out on me, cause you're the only thing that's keeping me alive." - Bulls In The Bronx

*&*

There are moments in life that ultimately, you could have lived without. Some of those moments are mere scenarios that mean absolutely nothing to the person you are today.

But other moments happen because they shape you and create you to be the person that stands on this earth in present time. Some are a wake up call, realization that you need to stop, breathe, and take a look at your life and the people in it.

These moments, some so dear to us, and some very noxious, are fixed from the start.

Fate, as people refer to it. Kismet, destiny, chance, predestination, fortune. Call it what you will.

You experience fate every day. Whether or not it may be if you used a pen instead of a pencil on a calculus test in high school, or taking a different way to work one morning, and getting hit head on by a sleeping semi truck driver.

Fate comes in different forms every time. You don't see it, but it's there, lurking beside you with your every step.

Sometimes, fate isn't nice to people. Sometimes, it decides that you've had enough time on this planet. And sometimes, it gives you a second chance.

*&*

"I'm gonna take you out tonight, baby. Show the world how ecstatic I am to call you my own, to show off that pretty ring on your finger," My fiancé's voice flitted through the speakers on my laptop. Skype and FaceTime were our saving graces while he was on tour with the band.

Fiancé. I still felt weird thinking of the term, the official label. Engaged. The gleaming diamond ring was slid onto my finger the night before they took off for their latest tour two and half months ago.

I still thought of him as the dorky music geek I fell in love with all those years ago in highschool. He was charmer, even in 01'. Not exactly a ladies man back then, but still my cup of tea.

We weren't highschool sweethearts. Just best friends. There had been many girls before me, and many guys before him. Never a breakup for either of us that didn't have us confiding in one another. In the end, we said "fuck relationships". I'm still convinced it was because we were meant to be together. It took him a bit of time...six years, to be exact, for him to confess that he thought more of me, that I wasn't just his "best friend" to him. We had been together ever since.

"Where the fuck you gonna take her, Vic? McDonald's?" I heard Mike's booming voice in the background, followed by raucous snickering from his other two band mates, Tony and Jaime. I had to stifle a giggle at his remark.

"HEY ASSHOLE!" Vic was no longer visible to me as I presumed he got up to smack the shit out of his not-so-little, little brother. I always gave him grief about being significantly smaller than Mike. It was a running joke between the band mates, the family, and even now the fans of their band, Pierce The Veil.

They had been on a tour in Australia, Japan, and just about every country in between since exactly 72 hours ago. They took a couple off days, and their flight came in last night. They were now on their tour bus, on their way back to our home town of San Diego, California.

I heard rustling and a couple "OW"'s and "what the fuck?!"'s before Vic's face was visible to the camera once again. I took in his appearance; unkempt, but in a way that held effortless sex appeal. His dark brown hair hung to his broad shoulders in its natural waves, a snapback adorning the top of his head. His endearing brown eyes always held a shimmer when he was speaking to me, a little spark of enamor. The little silver hoop that protruded from his nostril always made me smile. I had always told him a nose piercing would look great on him, and a couple years back, I had went with him so he could get it done.I chuckled at the memory. It felt like a millenium ago.

"So where are you taking me, Mr. Fuentes?" I raked a hand through my long, dark hair that still remained damp from my shower.

"That's a secret. Be ready by eight. There is a dress in the very back of my side of the closet. Wear it. I love you, and I will see you soon." He didn't even give me time to reply. He ended the call as my mouth hung open in pure confusion and surprise.

I immediately leapt off of the bed that had been vacant of my fiancé for the past couple months, a smile slowly creeping to my lips once I realized that soon, it would no longer be. I ran over to the closet as fast as my legs would carry me, and pushed all of Vic's clothes to the side to reveal a dress sitting in a black bag. How had I not seen this before? I had dug around in his side of the closet for hoodies of his multiple times since he had left for tour.

I grinned from ear to ear as I read the little post-it note attached to the outside of the bag. It was so Vic. So hopeless-romantic, sentimental, loving. I grew more and more lucky to have him every day.

In his chicken scratch was written "The perfect dress for the perfect girl."

Eagerly, I ripped off the protective bag to reveal a red, strapless, sweetheart neckline dress that was exactly my size. It went down to mid-thigh, and was tight fitting. It was gorgeous, and I knew that I had to give him a good thank you later on.

I was glad we were finally on civil terms. Before he had left for tour and the proposal, we were constantly in fights and arguments. They arose more often then we both had liked, but the distance was tough on us both. Nine months out of the year, he was away. It hurt us both substantially, and it was taking a toll on our relationship greatly. We had finally settled our disputes the week before he left, but tension was still thick.

Things had been said, a few shoves had taken place, and there were nights where we didn't sleep in the same bed. But at the end of the day, we loved each other unconditionally, and nothing would ever come in the way of that. So this dinner was going to be pleasant, for a change. I was looking forward to it.

I hurriedly put on thin layer of makeup, and curled my long, dark hair to perfection before sliding on the dress and a pair of black heels as I awaited my Prince Charming.

I still had a good half an hour before I was greeted by the man of my dreams, so I took the time to go on my tumblr and look at the Pierce The Veil tag to see if any good pictures had been taken on tour.

I was scrolling through the dashboard, occasionally reblogging and liking pictures, when I found one that knocked the wind out of me.

Not in a good way, either.

As soon as I took a good look at it; my world came crashing down in a split second, the floor crumbling beneath me instantly.

In the photo was Vic and a girl whom I supposed was a fan of the band. It was taken at a show only two weeks ago. The photo was of them kissing, and it was unmistakable. His hand laid to rest on her waist, and her hand was raised to cup his cheek. It looked passionate, and I couldn't help but cringe as tears began to fog my vision. I glanced at the comments underneath the image, and they made the tears fall harder. They talked about how people had heard that he had always been unfaithful to his girlfriend, and rumors about him hooking up with underage fans behind venues. I quickly exited the page and pushed my laptop away from me.

I couldn't handle this. My fiancé. My fucking fiancé was cheating on me. How could I ever let this happen? How could he slip through my fingers, at the most unexpected time possible? How had I not seen this coming?

This was all my fault. Maybe if we hadn't fought so much, maybe he wouldn't have felt obligated to cheat on me, that none of this would have happened. I silently cursed myself, whipping a pillow at the wall across the room.

This was happening at the wrong time. This shouldn't have happened at all.

Maybe I had it all wrong, but I'm sure that the picture said it all. Vic had cheated on me.

And he sure as hell wasn't planning on telling me it, either.

I loathed him. I loathed the woman in the picture.

I loathed myself.

I sat in the bed, numb, tears streaming down my face but no noise coming from my throat at all. I felt disgusting sitting in this bed, but I couldn't make myself get up and move. I felt as if my limbs had been cut open and filled with sand, weighing me down and making moving impossible.

My mind raced and reeled at a mile a minute, and I couldn't gain control of any of my thoughts. My breathing became sporadic, and I just wished that I could go to sleep forever and not have to wake up and face the situation that I would have to at any minute.

I tried my best to muster up a bit of composure, sitting up and wiping the tears and streaked makeup off my face before fixing my mascara in the mirror. I smoothed out my dress, and ran a shaky hand through the tendrils of my hairspray-coated hair.

My heels click-clacked into the kitchen where I poured myself a tall glass of water, trying to tame my thoughts and think of a way to somehow to approach him with the predicament.

I didn't have much time to think, because just as I set my glass into the sink, Vic burst through the door. He was dressed in a suit, a smile spreading expertly across his handsome face. He carried with him a bouquet of white roses, and nothing more.

I don't understand the half of the situation. Why he thinks he can saunter into our house with a bouquet of my favorite flowers and enact as if he didn't kiss another woman, and who knows what else. Act as if he did no wrong. I wondered where his luggage was, and how he had managed to bring a suit onto the tour bus without the boys questioning me or anyone else. But these questions were far beside the subject that occupied my thoughts.

"Hello, gorgeous. Did you like the dress?" He walked toward me, the bounce in his step present as it had always been. The spark in his eyes there, like it always was.

I wonder if the spark was there when he was with the other woman.

"Yes, the dress is beautiful, thank you," I replied flatly. His smile didn't fade, and the glimmer in his eye didn't cease. He brought me into his arms the moment he reached me, embracing me as if he hadn't seen me in years. I hugged back reluctantly, biting back the tears that threatened to spill from where they sat at bay.

I inhaled his familiar scent, and I buried my head into the crook of his neck, not ever wanting to leave and face what I know I needed to eventually.

"I missed you, Ellis." He breathed into my neck, kissing it gingerly. The use of my full name caught me off guard, and brought the tears to sting the corners of my madeup eyes. He never called me that unless we were fighting, or he was being as serious as possible. In short, everyone called me Ellie. I hated going by "Ellis". I felt as if my parents gave me the name of an old woman, and I never went by it. The fact that he used it, made what I had to do ten times harder. I never meant for this to happen. It was my worst nightmare coming to life, and I wanted to wake up and go back to where I belonged in real life. And I knew that it wasn't possible, not anymore.

"I missed you too, Vic."

*&*

"So then when we were headed over to Japan, we were the only ones on the flight First Class. So Jaime takes the opportunity and rips major ass, and it made us all gag..." Vic continued on with his tour lament as we drove to the restaurant Vic had reservations for us at. I didn't care to listen, couldn't bare to listen. I knew if I did, I would cry. And that was the last thing I wanted. Normally, I was intrigued by his tour horrors and blunders, laughing along with him as he relived the memory. But I couldn't bring myself to even flash the smallest of smiles.

My replies to him were short, curt, distant. Anything but what I would normally reply to him with. I'm sure he was beginning to wonder, but I wasn't going to fuel a flame that I hadn't begun.

I sat in the passenger seat motionless, hands in my lap. I gave the occasional nod to Vic as he spoke, but nothing more. I had been fighting back tears the entire car ride, and I was just waiting for him to notice.

"Baby, what's wrong?" He asked, placing a hand on my thigh. That's when my facade burst, revealing the damaged, meak woman that lay underneath. I quickly pushed his hand off, disgusted with him.

"Don't touch me Vic. I know what you fucking did," I spat, not able to contain my pent up anger any longer.

"Ellie, what the fuck are you talking about?" He shot back. I could tell he was trying to remain calm, but I didn't dare look back at him. Because I knew that the second I did so, my entire exterior would crumble just as easily as my interior had earlier.

"Don't act dumb, Vic! You know exactly what I'm talking about!" I seethed behind clenched teeth. I couldn't tolerate this, I was going to mentally implode.

"No, Ellis, I really fucking don't. Please enlighten me. Because since the second I fucking got home, you've acted as if I committed a sin right before your eyes. You've been distant and short, and I have no idea why," And there he goes with the full name. His voice was livid, anger seeping from every pore and crevice of his body.

"How about you fucking enlighten me?! And don't you dare even call me that! You have no right to be angry with me! You did sin! Not necessarily in front of my eyes, but I surely saw in the picture. You fucking cheated on me!" There. It was out in the open. But strangely, I felt worse letting it out than I had holding it in.

"You think I cheated on you?" His voice was now void of anger. As soon as the words left my mouth, his demeanor crumbled into confusion, sadness. The only emotion that the sentence carried was hurt. And I couldn't understand why.

"Don't pretend like you don't know a damn thing, Victor. I saw the picture, and you looked awfully cozy to me." His change in character did not phase me. I couldn't be weak, not now. By now, the salt water was flowing from my eyes with ease. I looked him in the eye, and the only expression I could read was helter-skelter. I couldn't fathom the excuse in which he would throw my way, but I'm sure it would be a bullshit lie.

"Ellie, I-" he couldn't even feed me the lie. My emotions ran rancid as I could fully comprehend what was happening.

I heard the horn of multiple cars, the screeching of metal. I saw it all happen in the reflection of Vic's stained glass eyes. I saw the headlights coming head on, from side to side. I saw the glass of the windshield shatter, and felt my head hit the window hard. I saw the blood it left, but I was still conscious. It all happened so quickly, Vic didn't even have time to swerve. I looked over at him as he simultaneously he looked at me, his hand reaching up to stroke my mared face.

"Ellis-" was all he could say before I saw the reflection of another set of headlights coming straight for the passenger side of the car. I felt the impact of a thousand elephants crashing into me as I heard the metal scrape against our car. I knew this was the end of it. I choked out a gurgled scream, mangled with fear, excruciating pain, and sorrow all compressed together. I reached out towards Vic, the glimmer of the diamonds on my engagement ring blinding to my eyes. He took my hand and squeezed it tight before my whole world went pitch black.