Please, Won't You Push Me for the Last Time

~Kellin~

We are supposed to meet Alex and Jack in a couple hours, but we have to get all the way to the other side of town so we have to take the rails. I go over to the corner where I always meet Vic, even though he’s given me his address now, and he’s already there waiting for me. He smiles when he sees me and I feel my heart skip a beat. I really like his smile, and the fact that I am the reason for it right now has me feeling butterflies in my stomach. I feel like such a cliche right now, like someone from the books and journals in the tunnels. I wish Vic could know what this feels like. Can he? I never fell for someone when I took cures. I don’t know what you can and can’t feel, and I know Vic’s cures aren’t working perfect either. Is there any way he feels the same way about me?

I take his hand and smile back and we start walking to the rail station, but it seems he isn’t content walking in silence. “Hey Kellin,” he asks quietly and looks at me, “I was wondering... uh... is this still just... I mean it doesn’t seem like you wanna just pretend to be together and I don’t really know...” I cut him off by pulling him over and kissing him. I pull away for a second and look him in the eyes before responding.

“I like you, Vic,” I say confidently, “I want you to be mine. If you want to that is... I know I’m not... I’m not the most normal...” my confidence quickly falters and I go to let go of his hand, but he holds on tighter and kisses me again. This time the kiss lasts longer than our others, I can’t seem to get enough of him and I deepen the kiss, holding him tighter.

He pulls back after a second and I remember that we have somewhere to be. “You’re mine now okay Kellin?” he says before pulling me along walking. I just nod happily. I don’t know how this is gonna work, whether Vic is gonna hate me for never wanting to take cures or if he will join the resistance with me, or how this party is going to go tonight, but for one moment, I’m not worried. I’m just happy. I am holding hands with Vic, and that’s all that matters right now.

“So what do people do at these pa-” Vic starts as we get to the station, but I cut him off with a frantic nod.

“I don’t know,” I say quietly and point my eyes toward the security camera, hoping Vic gets the hint not to talk about where we’re going. Maybe I’m just paranoid, but I don’t think this is something the monitors should hear. I look over at the electric train pulling up, and it takes a lot of restraint not to roll my eyes at the red, white and blue that is customarily painted all over it. I think of the books and magazines I’ve read in the tunnels and how it was actually Japan that first started using train systems like this. America took credit once they built them all across the country 40 years or so later though, of course.

Vic and I board the train and sit close, we talk about all sorts of stupid things like the weather and just enjoy each others’ company. I can’t believe I’m with someone. I didn’t expect things to happen this way at all. We finally get to our stop and I am navigating purely by the directions Alex gave me. I’m getting a little nervous. I mean, what if the party is too weird for Vic and he hates me for bringing him there? What if I don’t like the other people there? Or if they don’t like me?

Vic seems to catch on to my nerves and squeezes my hand, which once again brings me back to reality and I calm down a little. I like that he can do that. We are about where Alex said the entrance was, and I was expecting that there would just be a tunnel we’d have to crawl through before we find anybody, but instead Alex and Jack are standing right there, evidently waiting for us.

“Glad you guys came,” Alex says, “it’s kind of a long crawl to the party, and we’ve gotta hurry cuz Jack and I have a show to play.” This is of course followed by more of Jack and Alex’s silent communicating. Or maybe they are just smiling at each other because they like to do that. I can’t tell. I decide they are most definitely a couple though, even if they for some reason don’t wanna tell us that. I think I’m just focusing so much on this because I don’t want to think about the long crawl through the tunnel that I’m now about to crawl into. Vic gives my hand another comforting squeeze before letting go so I can crawl.

~Vic~

Kellin seems lost in thought and I can tell he gets nervous before climbing into the tunnel, so I squeeze his hand to try to let him know it’ll be okay. He crawls into the tunnel after Alex and Jack and seems alright, so I follow him. We are all pretty silent for a few minutes before Kellin stops suddenly and sits still in the tunnel, having to curl his back against the circular walls. I instinctively reach for his hand but he pulls it away. His eyes are closed and he looks really freaked out. I’m suddenly really worried for him. I don’t want him to be scared. How can I fix this?

“Hey Alex,” Kellin says with a surprisingly calm tone of voice, which for some reason doesn’t make me any less worried, “do you happen to know where the air in here comes from?” I’ve never thought about that. I guess it’s a good question. I don’t know. Kellin’s panicking is making me panic a little. I can’t think straight. Alex, who didn’t seem to notice a problem until Kellin spoke, also turns into a sitting position and Jack and I take a hint to do the same.

“Keep going and I’ll show you,” Alex encourages, but Kellin doesn’t move. I realize we’ve been crawling longer than the other tunnels that we were in before. “it's alright Kellin. Nothing is gonna go wrong. We are almost there.” Alex seems like he’s dealt with this kind of situation before, I guess he probably has. I reach for Kellin’s hand again and this time he doesn’t pull away, he seems to be calming down a bit. He opens his eyes and looks at me for a second.

“I’m sorry guys,” Kellin says quietly, “really. We can go now.”

“No problem bro,” Jack chimes in and we continue our crawl for a few minutes before the tunnel ends abruptly ahead of us, entering into a huge opening. Once we all step into the room I stop to take a look around, Kellin seems to be doing the same. The room is very large, probably wider than a whole floor of most people’s houses, I’m guessing it’s hand-built because the walls, if you would call them walls, are uneven and scratchy. Most people probably wouldn’t notice that over the things going on in here though, there’s lights in every possible color strung from the makeshift ceiling, and assorted furniture scattered about. Music is blaring from somewhere, although it seems like it’s coming straight from the walls themselves. It isn’t like music I’ve heard yet, well, I suppose it sounds a little bit like what Alex and Jack were playing, but it wasn’t at all like Kellin’s music. I wonder how many different kinds there are that I haven’t heard.

There’s a lot of people here already, and I noticed a few more coming in from the opposite side of the room. There’s four tunnels that I can see connecting to here. That could get confusing couldn’t it? Oh well people seem to have this figured out. It looks like everyone here is a teenager, most of them probably younger than me. I’m starting to get kind of excited and I wonder once again what happens at parties like this.

"Kellin," Alex speaks up suddenly, gesturing for him to follow. I decide to stay here for a minute though so I can finish taking in my surroundings. I'm watching the people coming into the room, and from the tunnel adjacent from me I see none other than my own little brother, Mike, enter with a girl and a couple guys I recognize as his friends. He hasn't noticed me yet and I'm standing in shock for a few minutes when suddenly the lights dim and I'm suddenly aware that there's kind of a platform in the center of the room because Alex and Jack are standing on it with two other guys. They all have old instruments. The set up looks vaguely familiar, like maybe something I've seen in a photograph or a textbook. The song that was blaring from the walls stops and there's a moment where everything is quiet. Kellin reappears and comes over and grabs my hand, smiling at me and he looks really genuinely happy for the moment. I doubt I'll ever get used to how fast his moods seem to change, but I really like his smile right now.

"Hey everyone," Alex speaks into what I recognize as a microphone, though I'm not sure how I know that word, "we made a trip to Baltimore yesterday just for you, and we've got something special for you courtesy of our friend Kamilla." He points to a table against the wall next to me and I see a whole bunch of drinks. Almost all of them were in some kind of bottle, and I don't really understand what's so exciting about it but the room fills with cheers as everyone crowds over to the table. My brother is one of the first to the table and he claims one of the larger, squarish bottles full of some kind of gold colored liquid and returns to his friends, evidently to share. I still really don't understand, and I must look confused because Kellin begins to explain.

"It's called alcohol," he says as if this is the most obvious thing ever. I remember what we learned about alcohol in health and history and it wasn't pretty, but then again I'm not even sure how much I can trust what I learned in school at all anymore.