Could It Be

“James I-I-I c-can’t” I stuttered clinging to hope in the back of my mind, that he would understand and not get upset and leave like he does when he argue.

I saw his face drop as the words fell from my mouth, the only thing he could do was ask “why?”

“James, I do, I really do want to marry you. But, don’t you think this is bad timing with everything that’s after happening over the past couple of months. Have you even stopped to think about what happened between me and your brother? For Christ sakes James, you’re acting like nothing happened and it’s killing me because I don’t know if you’re not thinking about the situation or you just don’t give a shit about me and this relationship anymore”

“You honestly think I haven’t thought about what happened between you and Mike, you don’t think I didn’t feel betrayed by two people who play a big factor in my life. How could you think like that Scar? You know I care, I’ve cared since the very beginning and I’ll always care.” I saw the tears well in his eyes. “I wanted to ask you to marry me because I figured you would say yes and it would help tighten our bonds, I know we’ve grown apart over the past couple of months, but I mean, this is the first real big thing that’s happened to us, and I don’t want to give up just yet. I see so much in the future for us Scar. Can’t you see little kids running around with my jersey on asking you if dinner is ready and us just being together and being happy?”

“Yes James I want that, but I don’t know if I’m emotionally ready to do that after what I just done to you.”

“I’m the one you cheated on, if I’m not dwelling on it neither should you,” I knew James was getting mad because his face was turning a shade darker and his voice was rising.

“James I love you, but I can’t go on right now after what happened. You may not want to dwell on it, and you may want to sweep it under the mat and act as if it never happened. But I don’t want to do that, I don’t want to jump over this and pretend that it didn’t happen because it will always be in the back of my mind. A few years down the road if we have a big fight, I’ll always think back to this and blame myself.”

James just looked down at his feet shaking his head

“James, I-I’m sorry”

“Save it. I thought you were the one, but I guess if you’re trying to talk me out of wanting to try to work this out with you when you slept with my fucking brother, then you aren’t the one. If this was any other girl, they would be grateful for not having to face grief about the cheating and would be glad to sweep it under the rug like nothing happened and go on living a life where everything is fine”

“Well, I guess I’m not like most girls”

“Yeah, I know. I’ve been with plenty before and after I met you.”

And with that, James turned around and left but he didn’t forget to slam the door on his way out. I couldn’t help but think what he meant by his last statement, but then is hit me like a ton of bricks, he cheated on me before I cheated on him, but why do I still feel so bad about me cheating if he was cheating before? Maybe because something in the back of my mind thinks James is just putting up an act to play down me cheating because he doesn’t want to hurt himself. Or at least, that’s what I could hope for, but then again, him cheating on me would be the best thing because maybe I’m not the one for James and James isn’t the one for me.

I was shot out of my deep thinking by my cell phone ringing, when I looked at the caller ID, I saw that it was Mike.

Maybe Mike was the one for me, well I was about to find out.