Loving a Million Times Again

I strolled down the halls of Wodden High School and for some odd reason, I felt different. I felt alive. Glowing even. I had actually tried to look pretty and I felt it. I stared at my reflection in the girls bathroom and I accessed my new image. My naturally light tan made me look luminescent and my brown eyes sparkled with joy. My long brunette hair waved in perfection down my back and the hard work I put in to toning my body over the summer seemed to show greatly in my new flowing dress.

"Why do you look so different?" asked Helen curiously as we walked to lunch together.
I shrugged. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, you're wearing make up, your hair is perfect, and you are walking with confidence. You don't have any confidence."
"Thanks," I said dryly.
"I mean really! You look like a super star and I bet you didn't think twice about your outfit," she went on.
"Today is a different day Helen," I replied. "Don't give it much thought." She scratched her unruly red hair and lead the way to the lunch line.
"Sam came to school today," she finally said, killing the blissful silence. He hadn't been in school for a whole week. I guess his parents convinced him to not miss any more days than he had to.
"I wonder if they have anything good today," I muttered absent-mindely.
"Did you hook up with Sam?" she whispered squinting at me.
I rolled my eyes. "Get real, I broke up with him remember?"
"Then you hooked up with someone else?" she nodded.
"No," I snapped. "Why are you so worried about who I hook up with? Leave me alone." I stormed pass the others in line and settled with a orange. After paying I searched for a quiet table to sit at but there were none. So I ventured outside hoping that Helen would have a hard time finding me quickly.
I sat against a tree and pulled out a book I had been reading for fun. The wind was soft and it was partly cloudy for the day. The sun put off a warmth that tickled my skin. I stuck my nose in the book and tried to ignore the person who had suddenly joined my circle. Uninvited.

"I don't think Robyn Hood ever read books," a familiar voice commented. "Are you sure My Sister's Keeper is a good one?"
"What do you want?" I asked through gritted teeth.
"Is that any way to greet your new best friend?" I glared at him, but he only flashed me that famous lopsided grin that I had such a pleasure receiving.
"We are not best friends!"
"Then what are we?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing? I think what happened at the cabin makes us something."
I rolled my eyes. "No it just makes us idiots."
"Why?" he asked. "What was so stupid about that day?"
"You know what was stupid," I growled.
"I recall someone enjoying the ride," he smirked. "Both of them."
I groaned. "If you are here to torture me then please go away."
"I actually came over here because I thought we were friends," he murmured.
"What friends do what we did?"
"Friends with benefits," he retorted.
"So you have experience in that area huh?"
"I have experience in all areas," he wiggled his eyebrows and I couldn't fight back the grin that cracked over the scowl on my face. "Oh! I got a smile, I think I'm progressing."
I bit my lip and closed the book. "It's a good one, the book."
"I would say so," he nodded.
"You've read it?"
"Yes," he nodded. "I don't really care for the ending much, but we all can't get what we want so oh well."
"You're making me curious."
"If I didn't then you wouldn't be talking to me."
"Who says that's true?"
"Who is this?" I looked up to see Helen standing over us with her tray of food. Sadly she had found me sooner than I would have liked.
"Helen this is Ryan," I introduced her. "Sit down." She followed orders quietly, which was unusual for her.
"Nice to meet you," said Ryan nicely. So he did have a formal side.
"How do you know him?" she asked. I frowned. She was being awfully rude.
"He goes here, how do you not know him?" I countered.
"Well I-I uh..."
"We're alphabet compatible," he replied. I rolled my eyes at his reference and started peeling my orange. "Is that all you have for lunch?"
I nodded. "There isn't anything worth eating in that cafe most of the time anyway."
"Maybe we should take off and get you real food," he suggested.
"Mmm I don't want to skip again, I got a warning last time," I sighed.
"I got detention," he countered. "That I didn't serve."
"You skipped?" Helen questioned. "I thought you went home sick."
"You saw me that day, I got tired of being stared at because of Sam. I needed to get away."
"Sam?" Ryan pondered. "The ex-boyfriend with the bad se-" I shook my head and he grinned. "Seagulls."

We both bursted in to hysterical laughter and Helen sat in bewilderment. "Why didn't you tell me about him?" she asked.
"Must I tell you every aspect of my life Helen dear?"
"I thought we were friends," she whispered.
"We are. But obviously you are team Sam, so maybe talking to you about all my feelings won't really do much but make me angry any way."
"What is that supposed to mean?" she gawked.
"Should I leave?" Ryan interrupted.
"It means that it seems like you are more supportive of Sam than you are of me," I replied coldly.
"Right." She got up and stormed away without a word about it. She didn't deny my suspicions either, which mean they were correct.
"I think you pissed the girl off poppet," Ryan commented in a very bad English accent.
"I'll call her later and... I don't know," I sighed. I suddenly had a headache and the fact that Helen was mad at me probably added oil to the flame.
"You didn't tell her about us?" he eyes me closely.
"There is no us," I said slowly. "And there is nothing to tell. And if there was something it's not like she could keep her mouth shut long enough for it to stay secret."
"Wow... you have a lot of positive things to say about her," he chuckled sarcastically.
"Please," I scoffed. "Like you tell someone everything anyway."
"Well I don't have any friends apparently so..."
"We are friends," I said after several moments of silence.
His face lite up and for a few seconds he didn't look like the boy who smoked and rode a motorcycle, he looked younger. More innocent. But as quick as it came was as quick as it went. Ryan pulled out a cigarette from behind his ear and lit it up.
"Can you even smoke while on school grounds?" I asked.
He shrugged. "Probably not. Who cares?"
"I think everyone who doesn't want to die from second hand smoke would," I retorted.
"Well then you would be the first to go," he winked.
I rolled my eyes and opened the novel to continue reading. However, it was hard to concentrate on it while Ryan laid on the grass staring at nothing. He looked so peaceful there. His strong jaw flexed as he placed his plump lips around his cigarette. He squinted at the blue sky as he exhaled, the smoke cloud releasing from his mouth making him look like a model for tobacco products. How could someone so irritating, so frustrating be so perfect?
"It's not polite to stare," he muttered allowing a small smirk to break through.
I looked down at my book and attempted to hide the wide smile that was on my face. Of course I knew he noticed it. He seemed to notice everything. I don't know why being with him made me so content. Usually people who smoked, or even looked relatively close to joining a gang I would stir clear of. But he was different. And he made me feel different to.
"You look gorgeous by the way," he said still staring intently at the sky. I was startled by his compliment. "You seem happier ever since... you know."
"Don't think that it's because of you," I said.
Ryan chortled. "Why would your being beautiful have to do with me? I only helped you tap in to it Robyn Hood. It was always there."

I walked in to my house and was relieved to have not been greeted by my mama. I loved her but sometimes her chipperness was annoying. I roamed to the kitchen and gasped at the guest that was sitting at our table.
"What are you doing in my house?" I asked.
"I still have a key remember?" replied Sam. His voice was hoarse and I noticed that he had dark circles under his eyes. His face looked sunken in and his hair looked greasy. This wasn't the Sam I knew. My Sam was happy, had perfect skin, and bouncy hair.
"Well you should probably return it," I sighed. I joined him at the table and waited for him to speak.
"W-who was that guy you were sitting with at lunch?"
"A friend," I shrugged. "Why does that concern you?"
"Because... it looked like you guys were more than friends."
"Sam-"
"Don't try to lie to me," he growled. His voice sounded weak. I watched the hands he clasped together tightly on top of the table shake.
"Sam I think you should go home and rest."
"Don't pretend you care about me!"
"I do care," I exclaimed. "Just because we aren't together doesn't mean that I don't. I just don't need a relationship right now."
"I-I... is it b-because of the-"
"No," I shook my head and put my hands over his shaking ones. "Sam I love you, I do. I just don't love you romantically anymore."
His shoulders shook as he lowered his head and I knew then that he was crying. I had walked away that day at the park so that I wouldn't see it. I didn't want to see him cry. I didn't want to see him in pain. I didn't want to see any of it. And yet he brought it to me, here in my house.
"Sammy I think that you should go home," I said again.
"But I love you," he sobbed.

"Are you just saying that to have sex with me?" I asked.
"Of course not! Robyn I do love you!"
"Why would you say something like that here then?" I looked around his bedroom. It was spotless, unlike mine. We were so different from one another. But opposites attract right?
"Well... this is where we had our first kiss," Sam said. "This is where I fell in love with you."
I stared at him. I could see the devotion in his eyes. He was waiting for me to say it back to him. That's what I was supposed to do right? I closed my eyes tightly and inhaled.
"I love you to," I exhaled. But I didn't feel as happy as he looked.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered. I removed my hands and stood. "When I come back downstairs I expect you to be gone."
I turned and hurried up to my bedroom. I closed the door and allowed myself to feel something for once. I was suppose to cry right? I loved him. I loved him so I need to cry right? But all I could feel was sorrow. And it was only for Sam's pain and nothing else.

"Have you ever had a friend with benefits before?" I asked. We were sitting on the beach allowing the tide to wash up against our feet.
"Yeah," Ryan sighed. He pulled his sun glasses from his eyes to his head. "Didn't end very well though."
"Why not?"
"She ended up liking me too much... and I didn't feel the same way."
"Oh," I looked out at the ocean. The sun was setting. "This is the first time I get to watch the sun set on the beach."
"Really?" I nodded. "I used to come here all the time to watch."
"Why don't you anymore?"
"The woman I watched it with died," he mumbled. I stared at his face but he kept his eyes on the water. "After that I never really got the chance to share it with anyone else."
He turned to meet my eyes and my breath caught in my throat. That emerald green that was always so hard and keen on not showing me any sign of emotion was soft. "Did you love her?"
He scoffed and nodded. "Love is a strong word, I never said it to anyone."
I scooted closer to him and leaned my head on his shoulder. "You can't expect her not to have feelings."
"What?"
"The girl who liked you so much," I said. "If you have sex with someone so many times your bound to feel something."
"Did you ever feel anything with Sam?"
"I did at first."
"So it was the first time that mattered and after what happened?"
"I don't know... I guess I was obligated to feel something."
"So then you're theory isn't true," he said dryly.
"It is true, I loved him."
"Are you trying to convince me or yourself?" he questioned. It was a good one. One I didn't know the answer to.

"My favorite color is green," I said.
"And I needed to know that random fact because?"
"Well friends should know each other's favorite colors."
He chuckled. "Okay... mine is green to."
"Liar you only said that cause I said it!"
"I said it because it's true," he grinned. "I don't know if you have noticed but I'm not one to lie."
"Until today," I mocked.
"Whatever," he smirked. "I'm sure you lie to yourself everyday."
"About what?"
"Your feelings for me."
I scoffed. "The only feelings I have for you is irritation!"
He grabbed me and we rolled on the sand until I was straddling him. "You must really like being irritated." I swallowed and it felt like I swallowed a dry pill. The look he gave me was making my heart pound. It was a repeat of the cabin. He leaned up on his elbows and took one hand and combed it through my wavy hair.
"Irritation isn't so bad all the time," I murmured.
He pulled me down by neck to meet his lips and I was less willing to stop it this time. He kissed me hard and rough just like the first time, but it made my adrenaline peak. He groped my hips and I grinded against him. The moan the released from his mouth made me crazy. Why did he make me so crazy? He rolled us over so that he was on top and my mind had nothing to say about it this time.
I never would have had sex on the beach before. But he made me feel different. As if I wasn't only Robyn Jae Lewis. As if I was just a girl, a girl he wanted. At least who he wanted at that very moment. And I wanted him. How was it that someone so against all the things I stood for, could make me do insane things?
After we sat in his car in silence. And I was thankful it was a car and not a motorcycle this time. For some reason I was once again aching in pain. But it was a good pain, one that you wouldn't mind experiencing as long as you had sex like that. I know why girls never ended it now. It was just that good. I stared out the window until he pulled in to my driveway and turned off the car.
"Thanks for the ride home," I said I reached for the handle but Ryan grabbed my wrist. We sat like that for a while. I know he wanted to say something but he had never been so hesitant before.
He leaned over and pecked my cheek. "Sleep well."
"You to," I grinned. I got out of the car and walked to the porch. I knew I was walking funny again. But this time he didn't say anything about it. I turned as he pulled out of the driveway and watched him drive off.
I hurried to my bedroom and locked the door. I slid down the door in shock. I could see from the mirror across the room that tears were streaming my cheeks. Why was I crying? I covered my mouth so that I wouldn't make noise. But there was no stopping it. The tears were endless.