Pinky Promises

"I broke your heart?" I asked, still not sure I could grasp what he was saying.

"Yeah. I mean..Jesus, didn't you know?"

I shook my head. "No...of course I didn't know...I'd never intentionally hurt you like that."

Jimmy didn't say anything, instead he slid down the vehicle and ended up sitting on the ground. I walked over to where he was and joined him.

"Just leave me alone, alright?" He said.

"I can't do that, you're not stable enough to be by yourself."

"I'm not stable enough?" He looked at me angrily. "I'm perfectly fine. You left me, I'm fine to be by myself. I would have been just fine behind that fuckin' store that night and just FINE if I'd of never fuckin' met you."

Though what he was saying hurt immensely I swallowed past it and continued. "I'm not leaving you now. I made a mistake. I shouldn't have went on that date and I told you, I am SORRY."

"Sorry doesn't mean anything right now."

"Why not? That'd be like me saying your apology doesn't count that night at the pit. It wasn't even your fault and you still said sorry and I still told you it was okay! Jimmy if I'd of known...I never would have went!"

"Yes you would have! It's you Layla, if you would've known you wouldn't have gone out with anyone in the last like three years!
That's how long I've been in love with you!"

We fell silent for some time then I took a chance and looked over at him. "How?" I asked.

"What do you mean 'how'? How does ANYONE fall in love?"

"I don't know." I said and shrugged. "Okay....when did it happen?"

He gave a slight sigh. "I couldn't tell you exactly when but... it was right after you saved my life for a second time. I figured...no body in their right mind would stick around with a loser like that unless they felt strongly about them. I realized that maybe I was lucky enough to find you that night behind the store, and you never left. Not once."

"It's because I love you, even if you think you would have been fine without me, and I understand that not every good decent human being in the world comes in normal packaging."

He cracked a small grin then looked me in the eyes. "Why'd you keep coming back?"

"Well, for one you live across the damn street. I don't know how or why that happened but it's not like I could go without seeing you on a daily basis. Other than that... The more I hung out with you at the hospital and the more I got to know things about you...you're a good person. I couldn't let you go even if I wanted to, you have that effect on people anyway."

"Yeah but with you it's something different. Isn't it?"

I nodded. "Yeah it is. I gotta admit before I didn't really see you in a romantic way. You were Jimmy, my best friend and I know the rules. I think in the back of my head I was just telling myself there's no way it would've worked out."

"Can I ask you something?"

I looked over at him. "Yeah."

"Do you love me?"

"Of course I do."

He shook his head. "No no, I mean... are you in love with me?"

The answer should have been a very clear and quick 'yes' but my body decided it was going to hesitate.

"I see." Jimmy stood up and leaned against the vehicle. After a few minutes of blankly staring at the ground I stood up too.

"No you don't." I said. "Jimmy I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything. I just feel stupid that I told you I was in love with you."

I reached out and grabbed his arm and this time he didn't pull away. "I do have to say something. I have a lot to say to you and I can't find the right words to say it. I am in love with you too, I just really really really don't want to lose you over it."

Jimmy turned quickly and stared at me. "You never wanted to try? Just to see if it would work? Did you ever stop and think that no matter what happened between us I was a better friend than to just walk out on you if things didn't work out between us?"

"You say that now but how would you know if you'd stay if things didn't work?"

"Because I love you enough to want to be with you even when you don't want me!"

"I never said I didn't want you!" I yelled. I clenched my fists and tried to calm myself down. "How can you be mad at me for not wanting to ruin what we already have?"

"Okay, tell me this, if you didn't want to ruin it then why'd you sleep with me in the first place? Having sex ruins everything!"

"No shit!"

"Fine! Then we both agree, this whole thing between us is over.
Right?"

"So you get mad at me, tell me you're in love with me, bitch that I don't want you and now you're choosing to end this? What's wrong with you!?"

"I'm a dying man who's in love with his best friend! That's what's wrong with me!"

I fell silent, the words 'dying man' stung like a thousand bee's. The whole sentence didn't help but that was the worst part.

"I'm gonna go home." I said quietly. "Do you need help inside?"

"I don't fuckin' need help, Layla." He grumbled.

"Okay." I waited for him to tell me not to go but when he didn't I gave up and walked across the street. I could hear him swearing and kicking the side of his vehicle and though normally I would have turned around and went back to stop him, tonight I was walking away.

-

I was on my way to breaking a third plate, having smashed the first two out of anger as I was trying to do the dishes, when my phone went off. I glanced down and saw that it was Matt and growled. What did he want? It was late and I really didn't want to hear any lectures.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Hey, did I wake you?"

"Nope. What can I do for ya?" I didn't bother to hide my annoyance.

"Christ Layla, calm down."

"I'm sorry. I can't help it', it's been a bad night."

"Yeah tell me about it. I just got a call from Jimmy and he was pretty upset. Like, crying upset."

"Crying?" I asked feeling guilty. "Fuck sakes..."

"You know he doesn't ever get that emotional Layla, what happened with you two? I'm not trying to put my nose where it doesn't belong but I told you once he's my fuckin' best friend. I'm worried about him."

"We got in to a fight, that's all. It's not a big deal. He's just drunk and emotional."

"When the fuck does he ever get emotional when he's drunk? For real, you're gonna sit there and tell me it's nothing?"

"That's because it is nothing."

"Do you not know anything about him? You claim he's your best fuckin' friend and you know what, he says you're his. After being his best friend for god damned all of our life, you come along and just destroy the guy."

"Jee thanks, if you're done I'm hanging up."

"No, I'm not being a dick... well I am, but there's a reason. I'm fuckin' worried about him and right now I can't get to him. I'm on break here at work and I don't know what's going on. Either you need to just fuckin' go over there and make pretend everything is okay until he's sobered up or actually go over there and get everything situated. I'm serious."

"You don't know what happened between us, how do you know he's not just overreacting?" I asked.

"Because I know him. Inside and out, unlike you."

"I know him pretty good thanks."

"No you don't. Because if you knew him like you say you did, you would've known he's been in love with you and I'd like to think that if you fuckin' knew you wouldn't have broken his fuckin' heart. Look, I gotta go but you have to go check on him okay?"

"Matt, he doesn't wanna talk to me."

"Please. Please, please. Listen to me, he needs you more than anything else and you're the only one he's gonna be willing to listen to. He can't live the rest of his life like this, you KNOW he's sick. You know that tonight could be his last, or he could live for another thirty years... doesn't that matter to you?"

I frowned. Of course it mattered to me. Jimmy was my best friend.

"I know you think that it's just a fight that will blow over, but have you ever seen Jimmy with a busted heart? It's painful to watch because Jimmy takes heartache way harder than anybody else I know. You know why? Because he loves too easy. He's a big hearted guy, literally, and when he gets crushed it's the end of the world to him because he really depends on those around him that he cares about to help him through the things he's not strong enough to handle. Like his addiction problem. You never left his side for that, and now he feels like you're abandoning him..."

"I'm not abandoning him."

"He doesn't know that. Lay, imagine having someone love you enough to stick by your side through addiction, then having them leave you because you told them you're in love with them. Do you know how awful that'd be?"

I inhaled deeply then let it out in a shaky breath. "You're right. I'm sorry, I'm just so fuckin' confused about all this. I don't want things to get weird between us then have him avoid me. He avoided me and Charlie because he thought something was going on...so why would he be any different now?"

"Because, he's the one in love with you."

"Ugh. Fuck, I've really really fucked up haven't I?"

"Not yet. You will if you don't go over there and talk him down. I don't mean to sound like a fuckin' prick but Lay, if he does something stupid over this I'll never forgive you."

"I know...I wouldn't be able to forgive myself...."

"So please, go talk to-" But I didn't hear the rest of what Matt had to say. He was cut off by my front door swinging open and Jimmy stumbling inside.

"Yeah, I don't have to go anywhere, he's here. I got it, okay? I'll call you later." I hung up without waiting for him to say anything and then ran to Jimmy.

"I'm just here to apologize!" He yelled.

"About what? Come on, come sit down."

"No! I don't wanna sit. I'm just here to say fuck you, and I'm sorry."

"What?" I looked at him.

"Fuck you, because I thought you were different and I'm sorry for loving you."

"Jimmy...don't..."

"No, I'm done Lay. Every time..... EVERY fucking time I fall in love with a girl she rips my heart out. That's why I don't do it. Then I found you...I thought....I thought you were so much different and that you...you were different...You are different you're just not the kind of different I thought."

"Jimmy-"

"Stop saying my name like that. Seriously. Just ..stop. You can't say it like that. Like you care. Cuz you don't. I just wanted to say that."

"I do care!" I yelled. "I care a lot that's why I don't know what to do!"

"Yeah well, tell it to my casket."

I'm not sure when I started crying, before or after I punched him. Maybe it was the pain I felt radiate up my hand from the connection I made with his jaw or maybe the words had hurt more, but after it was all over with Jimmy was sobbing.

I knew it wasn't because of how I hit him. That shit only hurt me but after it was said and done I grabbed on to him and squeezed for all I was worth.

"I don't know how to make you understand how much that hurt... and I'm so sorry for hitting you but Jimmy don't you ever...EVER say that to me again. EVER. You can hate me all you want, you can tell me to fuck off and you can decide not to talk to me for months, but don't you DARE say that."

Jimmy's sobbing was the only response.

"Please, you've got to believe me I don't want anything to do with Will like that. I just thought that maybe if I went out with someone else my feelings for you would go away. I didn't want to have feelings because I was afraid..I'm terrified still but as long as you feel the same I know that we can work it out.... I want to work it out with you Jimmy, I want to be with you and I love you. That night we slept together wasn't just something to comfort me..though it did help. It was us..the beginning of us."

Jimmy's grip on me tightened and he clutched at my back.

"Please believe me when I say I love you too and there's no one else in the world I'd rather be with than you." I whispered in his ear.

"Do you know how long I've been waiting to hear you say that?" He asked.

I pulled away from him and looked in to the saddest blue eyes I had ever seen. "It's true. I do love you. More than anything Jimmy.
I swear."

Before I knew it our lips were pressed against each other's and we were moving to the couch. His hands removed my shirt and my pants then I helped him get undressed as well.

"I love you." He mumbled between kisses.

"I love you too. So much, and I don't wanna fuck this up. You and me, this is it. If we're going to do this..."

"I don't want anyone else. I haven't wanted anyone else since I've met you." He said looking up at me.

"Then that's it. You have me."

Jimmy kissed me, running his tongue along my lips, asking permission before invading my mouth. He gripped me tightly and pulled my hair while I let my nails run down his sides.

He pulled away and looked at me. "You promise?"

"I pinky promise." I said.

He smiled and then laughed before tossing me sideways and crawling on top of me.