Not Now

I ended up not eating anything so when I woke up the next day I was starving, I felt sick as I got ready for another day at home with a guy I had seemingly had a crush on and yelled at yesterday at a gas station he worked at, shit..

I scratched my chest as I took a piss, snickering to myself when one of the kids started to banging on the door whining they had to go to the bathroom too. I made sure to piss slow to aggravate who ever was out there, when I was done I opened the door and smirked. “Done dweeb.“ I said, messing the 8 year old's hair, I laughed when he tried to hit me but my 6‘0 frame had nothing on him.

After stuffing my face with food like the pig that I am, about to go upstairs to wait for Mark, Tyler appeared out of no where, a backpack on his shoulder. “Hey, retard.“ He said with a smirk.

“Get out of my way.“ I snarled, I towered over him, he didn’t seem imitated.

“I need to go to school anyway, you know where normal ‘smart‘ people go to. Have fun learning nothing.“ He laughed and disappeared before I could do anything.

I hated not going to school and he knew that, ever since he came into the house last year and found out I couldn’t read he’s been giving me hell. I don’t blame his parents for giving him up.

I sighed and walked into my room, shutting the door with my foot and laying back down on my bed. I stared up at the ceiling, it’s so dirty too. Wow, I really hate this place.

The door opened while I still was looking up at the gross dirt marks on the ceiling, then I heard a call of my name, I lifted my head a little to see Mark. I let my head fall back down, my face burning. I feel so bad for treating him like that last night.

“Tom, come on we have work to do.“ Mark sounded irritated, I must of pissed him off. Tears threatened to spill over but I held my ground as I lifted myself up, and there is Mark in all his hotness, his hair up like always, and instead of dressing professional he wore black dickies and some logo on his white shirt. I wish I could read it.

“We are going to start off like we did yesterday, I’m going to read to you and I want you to follow along and repeat after me, okay?“ He asked, rushed, like he didn’t want to be here.

I nodded my head, Mark sat next to me and opened his bag taking out the same book from yesterday. “Can we do flashcards instead.“ I licked my lips and looked at Mark through my bangs.

“Yeah, Yeah.“ He got them out and faced me, “Try your best, alright?“

He showed me a card and I squinted, now matter how hard I try I couldn’t read it. “I don’t know what it says.“ After two minutes.

“Just LOOK at it, don’t give up, Tom. This is preschool stuff, I’m not giving you anything challenging.“ Mark said, harshly. I decided I had enough of his attitude.

“What’s your problem? Ever since you came in here you’ve been rude to me.“ I stated.

Mark sighed and dropped the cars, letting his head drop in his hands, his shoulders started to shake. “Mark?“ I asked, moving closer to him, I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t know him that well, and he’d probably find it creepy if I touched him.

“I’m not qualified for this shit, I’m not getting anywhere with you. It’s already stressing enough with what I have to deal with outside of this.“ He started talking, and I could tell he wanted to cry by his voice shaking.
“You don’t have to do it.“ I said, quietly, hoping to god Mark doesn’t cry, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. He looks up finally after I said that, his eyes bloodshot.

“But I want to, I want to help you. There’s something about you that’s holding me in.“ I blushed at his words, I looked down and wrung my hands.

“Try for me again?“ He asked, picking up the cards and shuffling them. I sighed, “Okay.“

Mark smiled that dashing smile and showed me a card, I did the same squinty thingy, “Kaur.“ I read, looking up at Mark to see his smile grow bigger and I knew I got it right, pride swelled in my chest.

Mark pulled out another, “Uhh hayl.“ And again that beautiful smile, I felt like floating.

In a span of an hour I got all the words on the card right, I may be years behind but I accomplished something at least.

“I knew you could do it.“ Mark said, in a joking manner, hitting me lightly in the shoulder. I giggled and hit him back, „With your help I did.“ “Thanks, Mark. By this time my other tutors would of left. I really appreciate it.“ I meant everything I said and I could tell Mark was touched.

A few months have passed and we’ve moved onto simple math, no I still haven’t mastered the art of reading but that’s gonna take awhile and Mark thinks I need to learn math before anything. I don’t agree.

We’ve strangely been hanging out with each other, I don’t understand why Mark’s hanging out with a high school loser like myself, he could be fucking girls or going to parties but secretly I’m glad he chooses to hang with me. Right now were walking together through my favorite park for a break from all the math. It’s March and it’s fucking cold in Poway, California.

I shoved my hands in the pockets of my hoodie and tried not to bump into Mark since we are in distance of doing so. He suddenly stops and I find myself walking ahead until Mark calls my name. I twirl around and look at him in confusion.

“What’s 2+2?“ He asked, wearing a stupid grin. I groan, „Why are we doing this? My head head hurts!“ I whined, “It’s four.“ I answered with a hard sigh.

“Corrrrect.“ Mark said, as much exaggeration as a host on a game show. “You win shit.“

I scoff and turn back around, I could hear Mark’s feet dragging to catch up to my much longer legs. “Stop walking so fast, fucking giant.“ He yelled.

“I take offense to that.“ I said with a pout, as I waited for him to be beside me.

“It’s the truth.“ Mark laughed.

“It’s not my fault you’re so short, pipsqueak.“ I defended my honor, watching Mark raise his eyebrows in disbelief.

“Did you just call me a pipsqueak?“ He asked, I nodded sticking my tongue out childishly.

“Oh that’s it, you better run, DeLonge.“

I widened my eyes and started to scream like a girl as I ran away from Mark, I could hear him behind me, but I ran faster until a branch that happened to come out of no where tripped me, making me fly into the air and fall face down into the ground.

“Oww, get off fat ass.“ I grumbled when I tried to lift myself up and Mark’s weight fell down on me. I heard a mock gasp, „“I’m not, fat.“ He protested, still keeping sure that I couldn’t move.

I managed though to turn so I could see his face instead of the dirt, he was so close to me, my breath hitched and I had a sudden urge to kiss his cherry red lips.

I bit my lip piercing and decided the hell with it, we only live once. I closed my eyes and leaned in and kissed Mark, I could feel him pull away and from me. I opened my eyes to see him staring at me in shock.

“You fucking kissed me.“ He stuttered.

“I’m sorry.“ I chocked, “I just.. I really like you.“ I whispered the last part, well I fucked everything up.

“Tom you’re sixteen! I’m twenty one, and for the record I’m not gay.“ And just like that Mark left me to cry on the floor as it started to rain. I curled into myself, ignoring the fact that it was starting to get steadily worse. I shivered but made no avail to remove myself from the increasing storm. I continued to sob, my chest burning from the intense emotion I had coursing through me.

I didn’t want to move and I couldn’t move, I felt like I was stuck to the ground, sinking into the sticky mud until I was buried deep into the earth.

I knew if I stayed any longer I’d possibly die or get really sick but I wanted the first option, if Mark dropped tutoring me then I had nothing to live for cause I wouldn’t want anybody else teaching me anyway.

So, I let the rain drench me to the core, and the tears to endlessly run down my face, I could feel myself get weaker and my whole body to freeze, then all I could see is darkness.

I woke up to a hot compressor on my face and Mark’s blue eyes boring down on me, he looked worried, and I had no idea why, Oh..

“Tom, why did you do that?!“ He sounded so disappointed.

I didn’t want to answer, my body ached, and I feel so cold, I shivered, “I don’t know.“ I didn’t want to say ‘Because you broke my heart‘

“Where am I?“ I asked, before Mark could open his mouth, I tried to lift my head but I fell back down in extreme pain. I squeezed my eyes shut, groaning.

“You’re at my apartment.“ He said, sheepishly as if embarrassed of his home, Don’t worry Mark I can’t exactly see anything besides the ceiling.

“Oh. Why’d you bring me here?“ I asked again with my eyes closed, it hurt to open them.

“I didn’t want to worry your mom.“

“I don’t think she’d care. She sometimes doesn’t notice I even exist.“

“I’m sorry.“ He muttered, I heard him get up.

“Mark? Are you going to stop teaching me?“ I didn’t want him to answer, it’d be so painful if he said yes. The wound in me would rip open again.

Mark sighed and sat down next to me again, I could feel him move the hair on my forehead. “Of course not, I guess I just got really confused, I didn’t mean to run off like that.“ And Mark sounded genuinely sorry, I squinted up at him and gave him a half smile.

“You’re confused?“

“Uh yeah.“ He started to scratch his head. “I can’t help but have feelings for you too.“ He confessed, my heart flip flopped. Did I hear him right?

Then Mark pressed his lips upon mine.