A Search for Paradise

When I got back to school, Noah side swiped me in the hall, pulling me into a hug so tight; I thought my lungs might implode on themselves. "Hi Noah," I gasped. He pulled away, his hands firmly grasping my shoulders. "Don't ever scare me like that again," he said seriously. Then he’s smiled again and I just nodded. "I told Kelly what happened, I hope you don't mind. I really needed to talk to someone, and you weren't at school. I just needed to purge my emotions. I'm really sorry if you wanted to keep it a secret, I'm just du-" I stop his rambling by putting my hands over his mouth. Immediately I wish I hadn't done that, because his lips are soft and moist; I want to feel them on my chapped dry lips. I ripped my hand away almost immediately, trying to recover what I was about to say. "It's okay Noah. Kelly is a pretty good friend of mine, I don't mind her knowing," I said. He pursed his lips, nodding.

I might've lied a little bit there, I didn't mind Kelly knowing, but I would've preferred that she didn't know. She would no doubt have over-reacted; I wished that none of that had happened. It just caused more harm than any stupid thing I’d ever said, "Are we going to the park today?" Noah asked. I laughed because you'd think that after hanging out at the same park everyday for almost 6 weeks, he'd just assume that was just the plan. Then the bell rings, and I'm hauling ass to Pre-Cal. When Kelly sees me, she hugs me before I can even sit down all the way. "Are you alright?" She was really loud, and people stared. "I'm fine," I say. She's was still latched onto me. I had to wriggle out of her grasp, "What were you thinking?!" She took on the characteristics of a protective parent, "It was an accident." If I had a dime for every time I'd told someone that, I would have at least a dollar. "Moderation is key, Kennedy" Kelly informed me as if that was news to me. "Yes, Kelly, I know" I said. I was already tired of this whole conversation. I was thankful that Kelly dropped it, until she asked about Noah. I almost wanted to go back to talking about my almost overdose.

"So do you like him?" She asked leaning in really close to me, her eyes wide with curiosity. "No," I said sternly. She tsks "Mmm, sure...” I felt my face reddening, "You so like him!" she squealed. I huffed; it’s never worth it to lie to Kelly about crushes because she just knows. "Why don't you tell him? You don't have much time before you go to Michigan," she reminded me. I furrowed my eyebrows. I hadn't even mentioned my acceptance letter to her. "How did you know about that?" I ask abruptly. She shrugged, "Noah mentioned it," She smiled big and wide again, showing all of her teeth. I can tell she's proud of herself for figuring out about my pathetic crush on Noah. "Anyway, are you going to tell him?" she asked. I wanted to say ‘fuck no!’ but instead I say "I don't know, maybe," and leave it at that.

I'm nervous for the rest of the day; it’s dangerous to give Kelly any personal information. She doesn't mean to let things slip, but on some occasions she had exposed some personal information about me. Maybe it should've made me nearly piss myself with fear, but a large part of me wanted Noah to know I liked him. I just didn't want to tell him. When Noah met me by my car, I didn't see any sign that he knew anything about my crush on him. The ride was silent, but for the first time since I'd pursued friendship with him, it was comfortable silence. The air wasn't suffocating, and I wasn't white knuckling the steering wheel. I was just comforted by his presence; I suppose that's when I fully came to terms with the fact that this wasn't just one of those fleeting crushes. I really love Noah.

When we got to the park Noah laid in the grass, I laid beside him, looking up at the sky. "That cloud is shaped like a boat," Noah chimes. I can't see it, but I do see another cloud shaped like a pot leaf. I didn't say anything about it though. "So why'd you choose a college so far away?" Noah propped himself up on his elbow. He looked at me; I stayed in my original position lying down, facing him just seemed much too intimate for me to handle. "I don't know. I guess I just wanted a change of scenery," I explain. It’s vague, but it’s all I could come up with.

"I'm going to miss our park days…" he admits. I refrained from telling him, I love him. Instead, I agree with him. "My parents are throwing me a graduation party, I'd love if you came," I explained according to my parents. They'd been planning this party for months, and though I really doubted that. I still thanked them for planning it all. "I'll be at the party and at your graduation. Kelly said if I missed it, I wouldn't see seventeen," he laughed. I laugh too, partially because I can almost hear Kelly's voice threatening him. Noah hugs me again before he gets out of the car. I hugged back reluctant to let go. Even after I'd driven off, and could no longer see his house in the rear view, my heart was still beating and butterflies were still fluttering in my stomach. I was in need of his touch; for his attention.