Let The Walls Break Down

This was the day I’d been dreading for weeks now. I haven’t slept in days, and haven’t eaten in just as many. Jack is getting prepped for surgery right now, and then they’re whisking him off to perform brain surgery on him. I’m not allowed to see him anymore, only his parents can as they wheel him into the OR. We already said our goodbyes, not knowing if it was for the last time.

It just keeps hitting me, my boyfriend is getting brain surgery.

I might never see him alive again, he could die….how ironic and unfair that he may die while they’re trying to save him.

It’s been a half an hour since Jack officially went into surgery, but it feels like days to me. I haven’t stopped shaking or pacing, and I won’t until I hear the words “The tumors are gone, and he’s still alive.” The adults went to wait in the cafeteria, and so I wait by myself, aside from a few strangers scattered in the waiting room with me. Jack made me promise not to tell any of our friends about any of this, so it was just me for now.

My mind was playing out the worst possible scenarios, picking through everything that could go wrong. I mean, they’re poking around in his BRAIN. There’s no way that everything can go smoothly. How is everyone else in this waiting room so CALM ? I don’t get it, I really don’t. I forced myself to leave the hospital on a short walk before I had a mental breakdown in the waiting room. I headed toward the forest behind the hospital, lighting up a smoke for the first time in a long time. Jack didn’t like it when I smoked too much, so I stopped altogether. So many things about me that Jack had changed for the better….

I was so different now that I had Jack. When I smiled, it was genuine. I truly did look forward to each day, everything I did had a spark to it because Jack lit something in me that no one else had ever even come close to. I knew I couldn’t have Jack forever, but just a little more time was all I’m asking for. I just need more time.

How fair would it be that other people get to grow old with the one they love, when I’ve gotten not even a year ? Where is the justice in that ? What cruel God would do that ? What a righteous bastard of a God at that.

What a vulture that man is anyway. Feeding off human emotion that HE created. He’s no better than Lucifer himself; he created man and happiness, only to turn right around and create suffering and pestilence….Sure, he create light, but there’s also darkness. Loyalty, but also betrayal. Love…but also hate. I guess everything has an opposite reaction. He just sits on his throne and watches as hearts break and souls are ripped apart by grief.

God is also a thief. He steals from what is rightfully ours; loved ones, happiness….He lies too. He promises it will be better, that it will be worth it. Perhaps God is the most human of all.

I pondered all this on a boulder just outside of the tree line of the forest, just trying to pass the time. I yelled a few unkind words toward God, screaming my lungs hoarse. He deserves to know what a cold, punishing soul he was. This wasn’t just about me either, it was about Jack’s whole family. Not to mention his friends. Hell, it was about anyone, anywhere who has/is suffering. Do we all deserve such cruel punishment ? No. Why is there no opposite reaction, reward, for our punishment ? Maybe there isn’t a God at all. If there is, I have a few things to say to him.

This was definitely the worst day of my life, without a doubt. I was feeling pain and nerves and other emotions I couldn’t describe, and they ran so deep I thought my veins would burst. I thought my heart and my head would explode from all of the anger and hopelessness built up inside them. Why was this affecting me so ? Everyone else was trying to be strong and calm, meanwhile I’m trying to challenge our creator. But hey, I didn’t make myself like this. The man himself did.
Maybe I should stop blaming God…or maybe I should have started sooner.

I walked back into the building, hoping no one else could see what was stirring inside of me. I kept my eyes to the ground, just praying for some relief. A few hours later, it came. It came in the form of “Family of Jack Barakat ? Your son made it through surgery. You can see him in a few hours.”

Two agonizing hours later, I was permitted to go see my boyfriend. He looked so pale and small lying there, beanie atop his bald, bandaged head. He was so pissed about having his head shaved, but I promised to buy him every cute beanie from here until the next town over. I grabbed his hand lightly, unable to stop the tears from rolling down my face. “Hey, Jacky. I love you.”

When his parents returned, the doctor was with him. “During the surgery, we had to take out a little more than anticipated. That puts a strain on Jack’s body, and so it has shut down to protect itself. Right now he is in a coma, to gain his strength back. He should be able to regain full function if he wakes up.”

If.

Mrs. Barakat broke down, and her husband led her out of the room. I stared at Jack for a long while, feeling numb. I had to leave before I broke something.

On my way out the door, I snatched the crucifix off the wall and tossed it in the trash.