First Time

After we had scoffed our face with pizza, ice cream and more ice cream, the three of us went to bed. Nick retrieved my bag from his car and set me up in his spare room. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, the combination of flying and pregnancy wore me out. I hadn't even got changed into my sleepwear so when I woke up, I pulled a pair of sweats on and the t-shirt that Joe had. I had the overwhelming urge to throw up, but I held it back. I wandered downstairs, hearing voices from the kitchen. "I'm going to need some crackers or dry toast, stat!" I shouted as I walked into the kitchen. I stopped in my tracks. Standing there with Gabby and Nick was Kevin and Danielle. "...Hi."

"Allie." Danielle elegantly swept across the kitchen to hug me. I hugged her back, making sure that I didn't throw up down her back. "What are you doing back?"

"We don't have crackers, but toast I can do." Nick said, sending a sympathetic smile my way. I nodded my head before moving to sit at the table. Danielle and Kevin came with me, sitting directly opposite. I caught Gabby's eye and she came to sit with me.

"Why are you back, Al?" Kevin asked, eyeing me suspiciously. "I thought you weren't. Coming back I mean."

"Something happened." I replied. It felt harder to tell Kevin and Danielle and I don't know why. "I had to come back." Nick put a plate of dry toast in front of me. I took a bit, automatically feeling better.

"Are you going to tell us or leave us in suspense?" Danielle asked, staring at me.

"Before I tell you, I need to let you know that I am going to see Joe. Today." I said, which made them both narrow their eyebrows in confusion. "And don't start shouting, I don't think I'll be able to take it if I am going to see Joe."

"Seriously Allie." Kevin said, giving me a look. "You are making me panic, what is it?"

"I'm pregnant." And I received the same silence I did when I told Nick. They both stared at me for a few moments before Kevin opened his mouth.

"And is it Joe's?" I nodded my head and he took a deep breath. "How long have you known?"

"About 9 weeks." I muttered.

"You've known for that long and haven't told Joe?" Kevin's voice increased in volume. I don't need him shouting at me when Joe will be doing it later. "Are you going to keep it?"

"Did you really just ask me that Kevin?" I replied, getting annoyed. It was as if Kevin didn't actually know me. "Of course I am."

"How far along are you?" Danielle asked, putting her hand on Kevin's arm. 

"12 weeks."

"Jesus, Allie. That's 3 months!" Kevin said, raising his voice again. "You've had that baby in you for 3 months and haven't told Joe!" This time he stood up, hitting the table. We all looked at him in shock. "I can't believe you. That is such a bitch move, Allie."

"Yeah, I know I'm a bad person Kevin. It was selfish of me to not tell him. But I was being safe. At 12 weeks there is a lower chance of a miscarriage. So actually I was kind of thinking of this baby. This baby I love and this baby that I am keeping. Don't you think that if I could have told Joe earlier I would have?" I replied, my voice matching the tone of his. The three people observing the two of us just stared. "Don't you think if I could fix this all in the snap of my fingers I would, Kevin? I am the bad person in this situation, but I was doing the best for my baby." I kept eye contact with him for a few seconds, before walking out the room. I could feel the tears gathering at the back of my throat. Out of everyone, I thought Kevin would be more supportive.

"Allie." Nick called as I started to walk up the stairs. I stopped and he met me halfway. "You know that he is only being protective of Joe." I carried on walking up the stairs, Nick trailing behind.

"But I am right." I said, stopping at the top. "I am a bad person. I should of told Joe ages ago, when I first found out. But I panicked. I didn't know what to do. I thought I could have just walked away from it all and never come back. But I am pregnant. I made the mistake and I am here to take the consequences like a big girl, Nick." He smiled at me.

"There is the Allie fire I know." He wrapped his arms around my neck, pulling me in. I gripped hold of his back, letting the tears fall. I had no control over my emotions at the moment.

"You aren't allowed to talk to me anymore." I muttered into his t-shirt. He laughed, patting my back. "You just make me cry."

"Sorry, it's just my nice side coming out for once." He smirked, making me laugh. "Now you've faced me and Kevin, don't you think it's time to tell Joe?" I pulled away from him and nodded my head.

"Give me like 30 minutes okay?"

* * *

After I had my shower and got ready, Kevin and Danielle had gone. I didn't go downstairs just because I didn't want to face them again. I walked downstairs in jeans and a jumper, a scarf wrapped around my neck. Nick smiled at me from where he was sitting on the couch. "Aren't you going to be cold?" He asked, standing up.

"Nope." I replied, slipping my phone into my pocket, along with some money. "Right now, I probably could melt ice in my hands. This whole pregnancy thing has messed up my body."

"You ready?" He asked, grabbing his keys. I nodded my head before following out the door. I had no time to change my mind as we climbed into the car and Nick pulled away. "Y'know, you probably could of walked." I sent him a death glare, knowing he knew my hate for walking. "Or you could make your best friend take you."

"How far away does he live?" I asked.

"About 10 minute walk. It will take me 2 minutes. Even though he doesn't want to see us right now, he moved closer. To mum and Dad, and me and Kevin." I nodded my head. "I've got a meeting to go to about the album, so I don't know when I'll be back." He flipped open a compartment in the car. "Here." He said, handing me a key. "This is a key to my place. I don't know how things are going to turn out, so just in case."

"Okay." I had his address written down on a piece of paper in my pocket for the cab back.

"This is Joe's." He said, pulling up outside his house. Straight away I knew that this house was bigger than the one before. It looked more like a family house than a man-pad. I looked back to Nick, who smiled at me. "Remember, it's Joe. He loves you." I nodded my head and he pressed a kiss to my forehead. "Go and let him know he is going to be a dad." I stepped out the car, brushing myself down. I waved to Nick as he pulled away and then I was faced with Joe's front door. I rung the bell before I could chicken out. I looked around the neighbourhood as I waited for him to answer the door. I was just about to walk away when it opened.

"Hi." I said. I watched as panic rushed through Joe's face. I released the air of breath I was holding in as his eyes scanned my face. I held myself back from jumping in his arms.

"Aleah, what are you--?" He stuttered, shaking his head in confusion. I tried to send him a smile but I couldn't.

"We need to talk." I told him. I could see that he was a mess. He had lost weight and was growing a rather unattractive beard/moustache combo.

"Yeah, come in." He muttered, holding the door open. I stepped inside, looking around. This place couldn't have been any different from his first place. It seemed more friendlier and comforting. I smiled at him the best I could before walking into his lounge. "Why did you come here?" He asked, making me turn to look at him.

"Like I said, we need to talk." I replied. Suddenly I saw a flash of anger shoot across his face and then he flipped out.

"About what? The fact that you told me you loved me, then fucked me and then left? Or maybe you did all that when I thought this was it, Allie. I though this was us, finally."

"I got scared, Joe." I said as he paced the room. Something he did when he was really angry, or confused. "I got scared that it was going to be a repeat of last time so I panicked. And I did what you did to me last time." A little bit of anger came out in my last sentence.

"That was different." He replied, pointing a finger at me.

"How Joe? Because if I remember rightly, you got scared and left me. So tell me, how that is different?" I yelled.

"Because I didn't fuck you!" He shouted back. He stormed right into my face, looking down at me. "I didn't make you wait almost 3 years for that moment to come just to mess you up. Do you know what you done to me? I get dumped by my fiancee and the girl I love, the one I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, just leaves. With only a note. A note Allie."

"I'm sorry."

"I think I'm sorry is 3 months too late, Allie. If that's all you have come to say, I want you to get out." He kept his eyes on mine as he stood in front of me.

"I'm pregnant." I said, my voice softer. He took a step back, still looking at me. I could feel my heart pounding in my mouth and panic rising in my chest. I saw Joe's face go through every emotion before he settled on a blank face.

"Oh." He whispered, running his hand through his hair. "Oh." He sat down on the couch, staring at the wall. "Oh."

"You said that already." I said, sitting next to him. He kept his eyes fixed on the wall. I didn't pressure him to speak, I knew how much of a shock it was. I remembered when I found out and I locked myself in my room for 2 days to process it.

"Is it mine?" He asked, his voice barely above a whisper. I nodded my head, trying not to make any sudden noises. "Of course it is." He muttered to himself, shaking his head. "Are you...keeping it?"

"Yeah." I replied. He nodded his head, his eyes still fixed on the wall. I put my hand on his shoulder and he turned to look at me. I sent what I thought was a strong smile, but from Joe's reaction, it wasn't one.

"Wait." He whispered, shaking his head once more. "You left 3 months ago, Allie. How long have you known?"

"9 weeks." I replied. I couldn't lie to him anymore, I had done it for long enough. "I found out when I had hit the 3 week mark. I took a 2 tests, just to check."

"You've known for 9 weeks and have only just told me? You are 12 weeks gone."

"That's what your brothers have said." I muttered, mostly to myself. Joe turned to me, the hand I had on his shoulder slipping off. He jumped off the couch once more to start pacing.

"My brothers knew before me?" He asked, his teeth gritted together.

"I told Nick yesterday and Kevin earlier." I admitted. "I couldn't hide it from them, seeing as I'm staying at Nick's, not really."

"My brother's know? You told Nick and Kevin before you told me?" I could hear him getting angrier. "That doesn't make any sense, Allie! I can't believe you!"

"You moved, remember? I wouldn't have known where you live without Nick."

"You have had my baby inside you for 12 weeks, 3 months and you thought this is the perfect time to tell Joe. Not when you found out, but 9 weeks after!" He shouted once more. I sat, looking at him. There was no need for me to shout, I knew he had a point.

"2 reasons why I have only just told you. Firstly, because it nearly killed me walking away from you, Joseph. But I did it. And it almost killed me seeing your face again. I couldn't face you." I told him, in a sensible voice. I knew Joe wanted me to scream at him and retaliate but I didn't have the energy. I decided to tell him everything. "And secondly, the first 12 weeks are the riskiest. There was a high chance that I could have lost our baby. And if I told you I was pregnant, and then lost it" I put my hand on my stomach. "I could never have forgiven myself and it would have killed me to have to see you, knowing I killed our baby. I was waiting until I was safe, we were safe before I went around telling everyone. The only people who knew were my mum and dad because I was terrified, Joe." We both stared at each other for at least a minute before Joe spoke.

"I need time." He whispered, his voice cracking. I looked up at him from my place on the couch to where he was standing. I could see the tears in his eyes, and I felt the pain he felt. Everything I had done, I had done for me and my baby, Joe was a second thought really. I left him, broke him heart and then lied about his baby. He must be feeling all sorts of emotions. "This is big, Allie. Okay? I need time to process it." I nodded my head, standing up.

"I'll be at Nick's when you need me. Or want to talk." He nodded his head as I started to walk to the front door. "I'm sorry." I said just as I walked out. He nodded his head again.

"Yeah, I know you are. Bye Allie." With that, I walked away from Joe after telling him the biggest news, and I couldn't have felt any worse.