These Secrets Are Killing Me

Two Months Later

I pulled the car into the garage and stepped out of it. Walking around to the trunk of the car and taking out my suitcase and small knapsack. I set them down and sighed a long sigh, seeing Jesse in rehab was the hardest thing I ever had to do. She was sat in her room and just ignored me, I asked her so many questions. So many of those questions went answered. The Judge had told us she was doing well, and the people who worked in the rehab had no problems. They even went on to say that Justin had stopped by and said hey to Jesse. They said that she was very talkative there, but the minute I went there she just kinda' went into this quiet state. I didn't understand why she hated me so much, I understand that my job calls for me to be away. I just never expected that my own daughter would hate my guts. Jesse would never tell me that she hated me, but she didn't have to. Actions speak louder than words, no one understand what I was feeling. The guys would say it's just the withdrawal, but I knew it wasn't. She had a deep hatred towards because of my job. But I didn't blame her she had a right to hate me. What kind of Father misses his daughters softball game, not just one softball game but all of them. She eventually stopped playing, because I never showed up.

Pulling on the suitcase so it would roll on its wheels, and putting the knapsack over my shoulder I walked out of the garage. Lindsey and I had patched everything up, seeing our daughter go back to rehab was what we needed. That night Lindsey cried in my arms and just blamed herself for all of what had happened. I was there for my wife, and she was there for me. I forgave her for the cheating, and we've become closer than ever. I felt like I had when we first got married, completely in love and nothing could ruin anything. I don't think we have ever said 'I love you' more than we have now. Every time we passed each other in the halls, or saw each in the kitchen, or just even watching t.v. in the living room, we'd turn to each other and say 'I love you.' Every time I heard those words come out her mouth, I just felt like all of the worlds problems went away, and I had no care in the world. Any thought of divorce went out the window, and out my life for good. I didn't need a divorce, and I didn't need anyone else. I have everything I need in this house, with my beautiful wife and child. These two months have changed our whole relationship, and for the better.

Opening the front door to the house and setting down my stuff I yelled out Lindsey's name. When she didn't answer I only assumed she was taking a little nap in the room. I petted Spidey on the head, and shooed her away. Recently Lindsey had been alot more tired than average, and she's been eating less. But I just assumed that it was because of all the stress that we had with Jesse. But Lindsey was jumping off the wall when she thought she was pregnant. I always laughed at her, when ever she had a stomach ache, or she would get sick. It was because she was pregnant, never because the weather was changing or it was the allergies. And now that its November, you're bond to get sick. But when Lindsey gets sick she automatically goes and buys a pregnancy test, she's always wanted two children. Even now its still so damn funny even though we are both pushing 50. And now thats November the house, well our bathroom, is going to be littered with pregnancy test. All of them would be negative of course, and I would have to deal with a broken hearted Lindsey. God December was the worst month, of course, Lindsey always got sick. I swear our cabinets were full of pregnancy tests.

The Judge said Jesse could come back home a week before thanksgiving. I couldn't wait for her to come home, that I even counted down the days. We currently had fourteen more days, till Jesse made her big appearance back home. Spidey was going crazy, she missed her owner like crazy. I'm pretty sure that everyone missed Jesse like crazy. Frank was going psycho and annoying Jamia, Jesse was his buddy. Him and her were always together doing something stupid. Whether it was jumping off the roof and into the pool, to singing like crazy to some random rap song. They were always having fun, never a dull moment when those two would meet up. Mikey was just as depressed about his little niece living like she did. He missed talking to her, and telling her things. Jesse was Mikey's go to person when he couldn't tell Alicia something. He always did that, even from the minute she was born. Mikey told her his darkest secret.

Ray, well Ray had a lot going on his life. Not to say that he didn't miss his little portage, Jesse was his project. He was trying his hardest to teach her guitar, she was actually learning really well. She had all of her stuff over at his house, she never brought home. Ray recorded her playing one time, and I agreed when he said with a little more practice. She could take over as the lead guitarist of My Chemical Romance. Bob missed Jesse, he missed his bait. All the girls wanted to date him because he had a 'daughter.' Jesse didn't mind that she was being used, she found it funny that they knew nothing about him or her. Jesse had a special bond with each guys, and each bond was different from the other.

I walked up the stairs quietly, if Lindsey was asleep I didn't want to wake her. Carrying my suitcase up the stairs and my knapsack still around my shoulders, I sighed. I was getting to old for these stairs, and my knees were giving out. Reaching the top of the stairs and thanking God, I walked towards my room. Walking past Jesse's room, my heart ached and I could feel it sink just a little more. Sitting down the suitcase near the door, I placed my hand on the doorknob and turned the handle. The door creaked opened eerie like, and the smell of alcohol stung my nose and made my mouth dry. I followed the smell of cigarettes towards the bathroom. I gasped and felt the tears build up in my eyes. They fell from my eyes and I let out a shaky breath.

"Lindsey what the fuck?!" I breathed out, my heart sank so low. My chest felt tight and my breathing was off. She quickly tried to cover up what she was doing, swiping everything off the counter, the glass shattered and cut her bare feet. The tiny shards stuck in her foot as she screamed in pain, I didn't even notice that she was bleeding from her hand. I was to caught up on the needle full of heroin sitting on the floor, waiting to be used. The liquor from the bottle was all over the floor, and slowly seeping into the carpet of the bedroom.

"Gerard what are you doing home?" She asked, I could her the slur in her voice.

"What the fuck is going on Lindsey? When the hell did you start use again, and heroin?"

"I...just a couple of weeks. The coke wasn't doing anything for me anymore, I got burned out of it. I had to move onto something more powerful." She said, the tears streaming down her face.

"And the drinking Lyn?" My voice was shaky, and the tears wouldn't stop falling.

"Six years ago. When Jesse turned ten and you left on her birthday, she cried all night Gee. I couldn't make it better, and I tried so hard. Nothing I did made it better, she cried so much. I couldn't do anything to make her stop crying. I tried calling you and Mikey, but you never answered. I couldn't handle it anymore I just had to escape, I felt like a failure Gerard. What Mother can't make her daughter feel better?" She sobbed, falling to the floor and screaming out. I'm not sure if it was in pain, or just because she split of her secrets out to me.

"Lindsey get up from the floor, your going to cut yourself up." I said, trying to walk into the bathroom.

"I don't care, I don't care." She said, holding her head in her hands.

"I care Lindsey. I fucking care!" I screamed.

"You shouldn't care about me Gerard. I'm just a fucking screw up, I don't deserve to be your wife." She had a point.

"Please Lindsey just get up." I begged.

I reached out for her hand, and pulled her hand up when she grabbed my hand. I pulled her into a hug and let her cry into my shoulder. My own tears falling down my own cheeks and falling down Lindsey's clothed back. We stood like that for minutes on end, it felt more like hours though. When we pulled away I picked her up bridal style and carried her over to our bed. I placed her on the bed and sat down right next to her.

"Lindsey you have to tell me everything." I said, wiping her tears away.

"Everything is my fault, everything that happened with Jesse is my fault. I sent our daughter to rehab, because I was so scared of you finding out it was me. I'd rather have you hate our child than me. I got her trouble with the law because the coke they find in the car was mine. I let some random guy beat the shit outta' my child, he broke three of her ribs," I remembered that phone call.

"She was screaming out for me and I just ignored her!" She sobbed, curling into my chest. Her tears soaked my shirt, but my own tears fall against her head. Our tears mixed on her cheek as we both cried, but for separate reasons.

"Why didn't I notice this Lyn?" I asked, more to myself but she answered anyways.

"I would always sober up two weeks before your tour ended. I made Jesse help take care of me, I made her watch me go through my withdrawals, I made her take care of me when I had a hangover. I let random guys stay in the house when I wasn't home, while Jesse was upstairs doing homework or sleeping. I even used some of her college fund to help pay my doubt to the dealers. I did all of this so you wouldn't notice, I broke our daughter down to the point she felt the need to self injury. I made her grow up so fast, all because I couldn't handle being away from you. I put Jesse's life at risk, and her sanity on the line just so you wouldn't notice I was going through all of this.

"I'm so sorry Gerard. Please you have to forgive me, please." She cried, my breath caught in my throat.

I pushed her up and away from my chest, after all she did to me she thinks I can forgive her. "Lindsey you sent our daughter away for two months. Not once but twice, who does that? You started using again, and you've been drinking since Jesse ten! You made our daughter take care of you, when she didn't even know how to take care of her own self. Our daughter had to help you recover from hangovers, and watch you go through withdrawals. You fucking took from her college fund, Lindsey she needs that to build a future! You could have gotten our daughter killed, you could have let some fucking child molester into this house! You want me to forgive you?!" I yelled, she shook her head yes.

"Cheating on me is one thing, I understand that. Everyone gets deprived, but putting my daughters life on the line! That is something I will never forgive you for, I thought I would never be saying this. But I want a divorce, and I want sole custody of Jesse." I got up from the bed and walked out of the room, slamming the door behind so loud it echoed down the stairs.