Breakable

I don’t know when I fell asleep it must have been when the guys left. I feel myself slip into a dream a dream I did not want to relive.

A few years ago I was involved with a few people who weren’t exactly good for me. They made me fall into a deep dark hole of drugs, sex, and self-loathing. Now they didn’t force feed the drugs I took them with my own knowledge of right and wrong. I was just feeling so much pain and cutting wasn’t working anymore.

I start dreaming about the night that Blake and Hunter beat and raped me.

~~Dream~~

These parties were all the same, drink a little or a lot, and fuck some random guy or girl in the upstairs bedroom. Parties like these are always predictable unless new shit was brought to the table.

“Hey baby come on upstairs Hunter has some new stuff for us it’s gonna be fun.” Blake said smirking and grabbing my waist; I was already smashed I willingly went with him.

My hands started to get sweaty that’s what happens when I was about to get high. Blake took me into the room and immediately started kissing me roughly. It always bothered me how rough Blake got some time, but I dealt with it. He takes me over to the bed and Hunter comes out of the bathroom connected to the bedroom. I didn’t like the look on Hunter’s face he always made me feel uneasy. I saw them take out spoons, needles and baggies of something strange. Everything clicked and I tried to get off the bed.

“Come one baby I told you it was gonna be fun.” Blake said trying to get me to stay.

“Fuck that, I’m not going that shit!” I yell heading for the door, and that’s when Hunter punched me in the mouth.

They both took me to the bed and took turns with me I yelled at them both to stop, but they didn’t. The next day I packed up my shit and headed to California.

~~Dream End~~

I can feel someone trying to shake me awake and I jump up and I hug the random body in front of me. I didn’t know who it was so I open my eyes and see…
Ben?

What is he doing here? What the fuck. I quickly let go of him I don’t want him to think I’m strange.

“What the fuck is wrong you?” Ben asks looking at me like a lost my mind. I get up from the couch and grabbed a water bottle off the table.

“Just a bad dream, I didn’t know I fell asleep.” I say plainly. I can’t believe I hugged him the man hates me.

“Shit it must have been a fucked up dream then seeing how you were screaming.” He says picking up his guitar strumming some chords.

“Hey I know we got off on the wrong foot, but after tonight you don’t have to see me again.” I said taking my bag and going into the bathroom connected to the locker room area.

I open the little black clutch and take out two pills and my razor; I quickly dry swallow the pills ignoring the bitter pill taste. I took my pants off and gave myself a couple small shallow cuts on the tops of my thighs. I know in my mind it was my fault that Blake and Hunter raped me, but I also know the drugs didn’t help.

I’m a fucking mess

“Hey Micah we are heading up the stage the show is about to start.” I hear James’ voice and suddenly all my feeling disappear and quickly clean myself up. I leave the bathroom and I see James and he smiles at me. These are feeling I’m not use to no one was ever nice to me and I like these feelings.

“Are you okay? Ben said I tried to wake you up he said you had a bad nightmare.” James asks. Looking me over I just hope he didn’t notice my glossy red eyes.

“Yeah it was just a bad dream not to worry.” I say walking away to go up the stairs.

“You took some pills didn’t you?” I hear him asks and I felt my hear t stop. No, no, no he’s not supposed to know about that.

“Micah it’s okay I just, I can tell when people are on shit, we have all been there I know the signs.” James says coming up to me and hugging me. And there it is again my own personal rehab, and I submerge myself in it. I start to cry and all he did was hold me tighter.

“I c-can’t lie any more. I’m seriously fucked up.” I mumble into his chest. These lies are like a big heavy anchor pulling me down. I need to them James everything.

“James come one we go on in 5!” I hear Danny yell and I let go of James.

“Here, you are gonna need this to sit near the stage, after the show we are gonna talk alright?” James says giving me the backstage pass and taking my hand and leads me up to where they are gonna be playing.

They guys play a fantastic show. Danny’s voice and screams are out of this world. James…oh James his talent on the drums is crazy good. I am even willing to compliment Ben’s guitar skills even though he hates my guts.

After we got back to the bus after a couple of hours the guys signed stuff with fans everyone were really tired.

I gather the little things that I had and got it ready to leave. I can feel someone staring at me and I look over to see Ben.

“He has a weird attraction to you, and I think it’s really messing him up.” Ben says, I can only imagine he’s talking about James.

“I’m sorry, I’ll be out of your hair in a few hours don’t worry.” I say with hardly any emotion.

“I didn’t mean messing him up in a bad way, he’s had things rough since his bird broke up with him. He would drink a lot and do other shit. Then all of a sudden he rescues you and he’s changed.” Ben says coming closer to me.

“You guys are like each other’s rehab, and I-I want you to stay for his sake and I want you both to get better.” Ben says giving me a big hug I am completely in shock and feeling really good right now.

“Thanks e makes me feel better, and I’ve never had people care about me before so thank you.” I say into his shoulder.

“Well now you have 5 guys that do so you’re gonna have to get used to it love.” Ben says laughing. He let me go and we headed out the main part of the bus.

That’s when I told everyone, everything. Every detail and they didn’t judge me or anything in fact they all take their turns in giving me a big hug. Needless to say I never got on that bus to head back to LA.

I have a feeling that everything is going to be okay now.