I'll Make You Feel Beautiful Once Again

I clutched the coat on my body for dear life, trying to block out the swift wind as it kissed my cheek. Cursing under my breath from the blistering cold, I hung my head as I made my way down the vacant streets. Since it was around one in the morning, I was all alone on the sidewalk, but that didn’t necessarily bother me. Of course, I had snuck out of the house; it’s not like my mother would have noticed that I was gone. Nowadays, I was the one to check up on the kids, seeing if they were sleeping well; so really, no one ever came into my room anymore.

My military-style boots thumped against the concrete quietly, and I looked ahead at my destination. I had a long way to go before I got to his house, knowing that he lived several blocks down but I was in need for some fresh air. I needed some time to clear my head before I tried to make an effort to slip through his window that he promised was unlocked for me. He had me come over almost every night this week, judging from the fact that he could get immensely lonely at night. At first, I was the one to object, telling him that he could always have his brother comfort him; but apparently, Mike has been sneaking out of the house more than four times a week to God knows where.

It’s not like I didn’t mind seeing Vic outside of school and Connections, because I loved being able to hold him close; it was just the fact that it scared me to know that he wasn’t getting any better. If it was anything, I would think he was getting worse. I tried my hardest every single day to make him smile, or to give him a reason not cry himself to sleep, however it wasn’t working.

Every night this week, he would call me earlier and earlier. Tuesday, it was around four, yesterday, it was around two in the morning that my cordless phone was ringing, and today he called around midnight. I would answer to hear him sobbing violently, begging me to come over; yet whenever I did and asked what was wrong, he refused to tell me. Out of all honesty, I was getting very annoyed with Vic. Part of me was saying just give it time, but the bitchy part of me wanted for him to tell me so I knew how to comfort him. He was stubborn, that was a given; but maybe if he opened up to me a little, he wouldn’t feel so sad. He could just get it off his chest, but the problem was that I didn’t want to push him. I wanted him to tell me on his own.

After about fifteen minutes of walking down sketchy blocks, I turned onto Vic’s street. His block was lined with medium-sized houses, and every other house had toys and bikes littered on the lawns. The moon was high above me, shining down onto the street in an ominous blue. Five houses down, and I was sneaking down the side with the back door, searching for Vic’s window which I knew was the last one. Climbing up the side of the gutter and making a pretty impressive leap into the tree next to it, I carefully made my way up the thick, black branches. Soon enough, I had reached the branch that luckily stretched out to his window. Scooting across as slowly as I could manage, I felt the branch wobble under me, and my breath hitched in my throat as I tried to lean all of my weight away from the weak parts of the tree. Huffing a slur of curse words, I finally managed to reach the end and I pried open the window with my shaking fingers.

Practically shoving myself through the opening, I rolled onto Vic’s floor with a crash. “Fuck,” I winced. Searching around the dark room, I squinted to find the silhouette of Vic. “Sweetie?” I whispered out harshly, my hands sticking out to grope so I wouldn’t trip over anything.

“I’m right here,” he sniffled, the lamp next to his bed flickering on creating a warm, orange light to brighten the room. Posters of bands covered the blue on his walls, a couple pictures of him and that Alex kid from school were taped on the wall above his headboard, and several notebooks and cassettes sat in high stacks next to the cassette player on top of his dresser. Mike’s bed was unmade across from his, vacant and empty. Vic was sitting on his bed with his school sweatshirt and a pair of gray sweatpants on. His hair was sticking up slightly, and his cheeks were rosy with puffy eyes to match.

I instantly went over to him, cupping his face in my hands and stroking his cheeks with my thumb. “Feelin’ sad, Vic?” I asked him, watching as his bottom lip quivered and he nodded his head slowly. “C’mere,” I muttered and he buried his head into my chest, clutching the coat on my back as he sobbed. Heaving and choking, Vic pulled me down onto his bed and tangled our legs together. I shushed him as best as I could, rubbing circles on his back and moving up to his hair, where I softly tangled my fingers in. “Vic,” I whispered with urgency. “Please tell me what’s wrong...”

Vic pulled away from me slightly, but he was still close enough that our noses nearly touched. He sniffed, and I brushed a few tears away with my thumb. “I-It’s just... hard to explain,” he told me quietly. “I don’t know how to explain.” I sighed and let him bury his head into the crook of my neck. I could feel his tears running down my skin and onto my shirt, but I didn’t mind. I rocked him gently for a good ten minutes, just loving the way he fit perfectly into my chest, and just trying to calm him down.

After his sobbing turned into hiccups, I forced us to sit up so I could see his face. I searched his features carefully, watching as his big, googley eyes stared back at me. “You shouldn’t cry Vic... you’re too beautiful to cry.”

A small smile pulled at the sides of his lips, just slightly; but then it was quick to disappear. The frown dipped down his mouth, and his eyes trailed down to our thighs which were pressed together warmly. His unbelievably long, dark eyelashes batted against his cheeks, and fresh tears began to spill down his cheeks again. “Ssshh, it’s okay, Vic. It’s okay,” I reassured him before pressing my lips to his cheeks. His salty tears tasted almost deathly on my mouth as I puckered my lips and kissed his cheeks over and over again. I made my way across, finding my destination quickly. His mouth meshed with mine, his lips soft and warm against me. I tangled my fingers into his hair, and I felt his arms snake around my waist. I shifted my weight so that Vic slipped onto his back and I was hovering over him. Slowly, even though I was hesitant about what made Vic uncomfortable, I traced my tongue over his bottom lip.

Surprisingly, it didn’t take long for him to willingly open his mouth however I did feel his nails dig into my sides nervously. Our tongues sloshed together rhythmically, and I started to run my hands up and down his hips. I then forced some of my weight down on his waist while he broke the kiss to let out a shaky sigh. Honestly, I was scared to go on, really in fear that he was going to push me away but I wasn’t sure how far he’ll let me go before that happened.

I looked down on him, taking in his rosy cheeks and droopy eyes. As if reading my thoughts, he sunk his white teeth into his swollen lip and nodded slowly. Smiling softly, I stroked his cheek with my thumb gently, and my heart almost burst when he grinned back at me. I lowered my head, and I left small pecks on his neck. He shook under me, pulling at my short hair and throwing his head back, allowing me to have more access. All out of memory, I started to play with the skin right about his collarbone with my teeth, and Vic’s nails dug deeper into the exposed skin from my lifted shirt. Vic squirmed under me, and a small whine elicited from him which sent a thrill up my spine. I puckered my lips once again, but only to suck on the bruising skin, and my tongue flicked over the new hickey in apology. Vic arched his back involuntarily when I squeezed his hips harshly, and I tried to ignore the tightness in my pants when a heavy moan escaped his lips.

Quickly, I removed one hand from his hip, and slyly snuck under his sweatshirt. As my fingers danced on his soft skin, the blue hoodie lifted almost and I lowered my gaze to see what I had exposed for myself. And I swear I could feel my heart fall down to my own ass.

Vic’s eyes flew open, and he was whispering, “No, no no,” over and over again as he shoved his sweatshirt down and he slapped my hand away. A slew of curse words came from Vic as he scrambled away from me, pressing his shoulder against the headboard and averting his eyes.

“Vic?” I whispered in high alert. “Vic, c’mon, you don’t have to hide awa-”

“Yes, I do Kellin!” He suddenly snapped, his head dropping into his shaking hands. He yanked at his hair in frustration, another line of curses making its way towards me. Sighing, I scooted over to his side of the bed, cornering him so he couldn’t escape me. I wrapped my arms around him securely, easily fighting his squirming as he twisted and turned in my hold. “Leave me alone,” he whined, tears now spilling from his cheeks. “You wouldn’t understand...”

“Vic, if you think I’m gunna run away now, then you’re strongly mistaken. I don’t know who might’ve but I am certainly nothing like that. I’m not gunna run away from what’s hurting you inside, because I want to make it go away,” I whispered in his hair, rocking him as he stopped trying to push me away.

“You’re lying,” he mumbled into my chest, choking on his own tears and shaking in my arms.

“Why the fuck would I lie to you?” I pressed, grabbing his chin in my index finger and thumb so he would look at me. His eyes were bloodshot and pools of tears formed over his eyelashes before spilling over. He shook his head side to side slowly, dropping his head. “Come on, lift up your shirt, Vic.”

“No way in hell,” he spat at me with sad eyes.

“I need to check them, sweetie. That’s all,” I told him, motioning for him to do what he was told. Vic stared at me for a few seconds, gnawing at his lip and tapping his foot on the carpeted floor nervously. Finally, he willingly slipped the sweatshirt over his head, showing off his tanned skin and the scattered scars over his arms and stomach. I ran my fingers over the healed ones, varying in size and color. Even more than I could count were scabbing over, already forming a brown scar underneath.

Fortunately, I didn’t spot any lines that were fresh, red, or swollen. Each scar showed me a story that I would never be able to read, only if Vic translated it for me. He did ruin his skin, I won’t be the first person to say that; however it seemed to add character, even beauty. It showed that he was a fighter, and they weren’t just ugly marks on his skin, they were battle scars.

“Stop staring at me,” Vic suddenly hissed. He pried away from me and snatched his sweatshirt, pulling it over his head and blowing an annoyed huff of air to no one in particular. “This is real, Kellin. You don’t have to pretend like you care; you can leave if you want.”

“If I didn’t care, then why did I walk all the way from my house in the middle of night just to see if you were okay?” I retorted, my voice never leaving a whisper. “I can’t believe you would say that, Vic.”

Vic hung his head, obviously ashamed. His hair hung in his eyes, and he picked sadly at his sleeves, pulling them over his wrists until they stretched. “I’m sorry,” he stated, his voice gentle and quiet.

“I care about you more than I care about myself. And if you can’t see that...” I trailed off. Sighing, I rubbed my temple with my fingers before wrapping my arms around Vic again. This time, he didn’t even budge of squirm. He melted into my arms, burying his head into my shirt. “No matter how long it takes, I’ll show you how much I care, Vic. I’ll make you feel beautiful once again. I promise,” I whispered, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

I then kicked off my shoes and jacket, throwing them into a pile away from the bed, and then just like every night this week, I slipped off my jeans and let Vic cuddle into me under his blankets. But this time before he turned the light off, he pulled his sweatshirt off, revealing everything that he was hiding from me before. As his nose brushed up against my chest and our legs tangled together, I finally realized what I had never bothered to think through. Everything made sense now. The long sleeves, the rubber band, the far-off look in his eyes. Why he called me every single night so he wouldn’t be tempted to hurt himself. Even the night he pushed me away when I tried to unbutton his shirt.

Everything made so much sense that I wanted to get run over by a semi-truck a million times for not figuring it out sooner.

“Kellin?” Vic suddenly called out to me quietly. I shifted my weight so I could see his face, and hummed in reply. “Uhm... thanks.”

A huge, uncontrollable smile pulled at my lips, but I quickly shoved it away like it was nothing. “It’s no big deal...”

“But it is,” he urged. “It’s a really big deal.”

I smiled at him softly, brushing some loose strands of hair from his forehead. He hummed in content, closing his eyes and resting his head on my shoulder. Leaning down slightly, I pecked his lips gently, not bothering to wait for a response because he was already breathing heavily and slowly, his eyelids closed.