Even the Sun Sets in Paradise

I spent the first two days of the holiday too scared to even leave the house. Instead I hid away in my room, constantly checking out the window, ensuring all the doors were locked and not answering my phone to anyone. I couldn’t even face going downstairs without bursting into tears. On Saturday, I finally had to venture out because I had work. The shop was only a couple of streets away, but I asked Ellis for a lift nonetheless.
“Hey,” Brianne sung as I rushed through the door.
“Hi,” I said, practically falling into her arms.
“Whoa, are you okay?” she gasped, noticing my worried expression. I nodded, quickly hanging my bag out the back and composing myself.
“Sally’s off sick so it’s just us two until quarter to three when Sydney gets here.” Sydney was another girl that worked in the shop. She was a couple of years older than Brianne.
“Okay cool,” I muttered, not exactly feeling reassured. Given the circumstances, I wasn’t sure just the two of us alone in the shop was a good idea. God knows what George and his mates had planned. The first customer that came in was a man, and I instantly tensed up, fearing the worst. Thankfully, he turned out to be just another friendly customer. He was going to visit his nieces and wanted a nice present to take for them.
“Whereabouts do your nieces live?” Brianne asked, making polite conversation.
“In Paris, I’m going to make a holiday of it.”
“Oh wow, how lovely.”
“Yes, I bet you two are dying to finish here and get out and enjoy the beautiful weather. Are you going away?”
“No, I’m not this year actually, I’m saving for university,” Brianne explained, “Jenna’s going to Spain in a couple of weeks though.”
“Spain? I love it there; I have friends that live in Madrid.”
“Oh, I’m going to Malaga,” I explained. We spoke for a few moments longer before he paid for the gifts and left.

I spent the rest of the day panicking every time I heard the sound of the bell. Brianne wondered why I was so jumpy, but I simply laughed it off, hoping she’d just forget about it. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, much to my relief, and I considered if maybe I’d overreacted or imagined the whole thing. It didn’t stop me from literally running home though when four thirty finally arrived. By the time I reached the front door, I was desperate to collapse into bed and sleep but Julie called me into the kitchen.
“What’s happened to you Jen Jenz? Why haven’t you answered my texts?” Mel squealed, giving me a hug. As if I wasn’t panicking enough, I now had to talk myself out of this one.
“Sorry,” I sighed, “I’ve been so busy.” Julie shot me a look and I shrugged, dragging Mel upstairs before Julie started asking questions.
“So tell me, why’ve you been AWOL?”
“Sorry, I’ve had my phone turned off,” I muttered.
“Why?” she asked, a look of confusion on her face, and I could tell she was starting to get annoyed.
“I don’t know,” I shrugged, trying desperately to think of an excuse.
“Jenna, what’s going on?”
“Nothing,” I muttered, fighting back tears.
“Look, this past month has been like the best month of my life. We haven’t even known each other long but I’ve already become closer to you than I ever have anyone else, but you’ve also confused me so much. Is there something you’re not telling me?”
“Course not, you’re my best friend,” I cried.
“That’s what I thought but best friends don’t keep secrets!”
“I’m not keeping secrets.”
“Oh really? Why have you been ignoring all my messages? Why did you run off at the beach the other night? Why did that person ring you like seven times on the phone the other day? Who the hell is the father of your baby? And without being rude, why do you even live with your cousin anyway?”
I couldn’t bear to tell her.
“It’s complicated.”
“Oh look - another excuse,” she sighed, picking up her bag and heading towards the door.
“Mel wait!” I cried.
“You gonna tell me or what?” she asked. I opened my mouth to speak but no words came out. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell her; I simply didn’t know what to say. The words physically would not come out. I was already crying enough and reliving every memory would be impossible.
“Just what I thought,” she exhaled sharply, as I heard her rush downstairs and out of the house. Collapsing onto my bed, I pulled the duvet tightly around my shoulders and cried. My first proper friendship hadn’t even lasted a month without me messing up. I couldn’t blame her for being angry. Right from the start, I knew it would only be so long until the truth came tumbling out. I wished I could just say those simple words out loud. I was abused. I was raped. No matter how many times I said it in my head; I could never bring myself to say it out loud. It made me seem weak and vulnerable and pathetic, and despite the fact I was all of those things, I didn’t want anyone else to know that. I wished George would leave me alone. I wanted him to go away. That would never happen. I wanted him to never come back. He would always find a way back. I wanted him dead. I didn’t have it in me. Whatever I tried though, he always wormed his way back in. Every aspect of my life; he was there. My extreme fear of men was thanks to him. My inability to have long term friendships was thanks to him. My destroyed relationship with my mother was thanks to him. My stupid mind that worked so differently to anyone else’s was thanks to him.
All anyone ever said was ‘You’re so lucky you’re out of that now,’ but they didn’t understand. I was never going to be out of it. It would always stay with me. It would be there in the back of my mind every single day for the rest of my life, it would haunt me until I was dead.