Status: Active =)
Don't Give up on Me
They Say I'll Be Okay
“James was your brother?” Liam spoke first. “Alexis, I’m so sorry. Nobody should ever have to deal with that pain.”
“Thanks Liam.” I offered a small smile. “It’s going to be okay. It sucks not having him with me, but I know that I need to learn how to live without him. For a long time I pushed everybody away from me. I guess I thought if I didn’t let people into my heart then they couldn’t leave it and I wouldn’t get hurt. But Lily has stuck by my side relentlessly and she’s helping me deal with everything. Ben came around when he got back from overseas and wormed his way into my heart. He took James’s place as an older brother to me and has fought to keep me safe ‘til his job took him away.”
“I’m terribly sorry love.” Louis smiled sympathetically at me. "I promise you this: you'll be okay. And until you are, we're all here for you."
“I know. I am glad you all know now, but I’d really like to have a good time with you guys tonight. I’ll never fully get past what happened to James. I do know that I’ve met some amazing people who I have a lot of fun with and I’d love to chill and get to know them better tonight.” I responded.
“We can do that for you.” Harry grinned.
“I’ve got an idea!” Perry smiled widely. “How about truth or dare?”
“Ooooh, I love that game!” Louis smirked at me, mischief written in his features. I shook my head with a chuckle, a feeling of forbidding springing in my stomach. There was no way to tell what the night had in store, but truth or dare with the guys didn’t sound like a safe option. However, they all looked excited so I figured I’d just suck it up and see what happened.
“I’d love to play!” I felt Niall’s arms tighten around my waist as I replied. I hoped the night would be good, but I had no way of knowing how hard it would be for me.
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“Guys come on.” Liam whined.
“Sorry Li, but this was your dare.” Eleanor laughed at the horrified look on Liam’s face. “I guess you don’t know the seven dwarves well enough. It’s not even that bad.”
“It was a stupid dare! Nobody can actually do it.” He pouted while crossing his arms over his chest.
“Dopey, Bashful, Happy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Grumpy, and Doc! There, all seven dwarves in less than 30 seconds. Okay Li, you have to let us write their names across your body.” I grinned wickedly, uncapping the permanent marker Niall handed to me. “Sit still.” I wrote ‘DOPEY’ boldly across his forehead. He glared at me as I handed the marker to Eleanor. “Sorry not sorry!” I winked at him, watching everybody take turns writing the names across his exposed skin.
“Alexis, truth or dare?” Liam turned to me with a glint in his eye.
“Truth.” I gulped, already nervous. The look in his eye forced me to choose truth even though I wanted to pick dare. I had a feeling Liam would give me a terrible dare. Niall gently touched my hand and I looked to him, seeing comfort in his eyes.
"Lame, but okay. Tell us how you really feel about Niall.”
I blushed, looking at the floor. “I’m very much attracted to him. He draws me in but terrifies me because I know that I could get very hurt. His presence forces me to face everything from my past. It’s good and all, but I know that I have to heal before I can open myself up to him.”
“That’s good to know actually.” Niall murmured. “Thank you.” I smiled at him before turning to Harry. While I struggled with the idea of Lily and him being together, they were clearly into each other and I didn’t want to hold them back.
“Okay Curly, truth or dare?”
“Dare.” He proclaimed.
“I dare you to kiss Lily like you've wanted to all night.”
“Alexis, are you sure?” He searched my face as if looking for a trap.
“Harry,” Lily rested her hand gently on his arm. “This is her way of giving us permission.”
“Well okay then!” He turned to her and captured her lips in a passionate kiss. She flung her arms around his neck as his hands pulled her body closer by her waist. The intensity between them grew as the kiss continued.
“Okay guys.” I rolled my eyes at them. “Get a room.”
“Maybe we will.” Lily stuck her tongue out at me and I giggled. “Sorry Lex, I know you’re not a big fan of PDA.”
“But I am.” Harry winked at me, pulling Lily close to him. “Niall, truth or dare?”
“Dare.”
"I dare you to kiss Alexis.”
Niall’s face flamed as he looked at me. “Are you okay with this?”
“I’m not sure.” I replied staring into his eyes.
“Let’s try. If you’re not ready then just stop me okay?” I nodded and he leaned close, his lips millimeters from mine. I felt the warmth of his breath, the minty scent penetrating my nose. As I closed my eyes, an image of David flashed into my mind. I pulled back abruptly, looking at Lily with wide eyes.
“Lex, are you okay?” She asked quietly.
“Niall, I’m so sorry.” I blinked away tears, taking deep breaths to prevent panicking. “I really thought I’d be ready.”
“It’s okay.” He replied. By this point I’d forgotten the others in the room.
“No it’s not.” I gritted my teeth in frustration. “I can do this. Can we try again?”
“Lex, I can wait.” I shook my head vehemently and he leaned close again, his hand resting on my cheek.
“David.” His name burst from my lips as a strangled cry and I stood up rapidly. “I’m sorry Niall. I have to go.” I started moving from the circle.
“Alexis, wait.” Niall called. I turned back to look at him with tears in my eyes, threatening to fall.
“Who the hell is David? Are you dating somebody?” Zayn erupted angrily. “Alexis, I’ve been understanding and accepting with you so far, but it seems like you’re just messing with Niall. Enough is enough.”
“It’s not like that Zayn.” I protested, clenching my fists at my side.
“Sorry Alexis, but he is right. It does seem like you’re just stringing Niall along.” Harry mused. I glanced around, seeing similar expressions on each face with the exceptions of Ben and Lily.
“Please, you have to believe me. The last thing I was to do is drag Niall along.”
“Oh yeah? Then who is this David guy?” Niall rose from his seat on the floor.
“I can’t Niall. Please.” I begged him, pushing loose hair from my face.
“You’re just like the rest of them.” Niall’s voice rose in volume. “Alexis, I know I said I’d wait for you, but if you’re dating some guy and leading me on that’s ridiculous. You’re nothing but a greedy, fame-hungry, selfish tease who gets a kick out of being chased by guys. This is just a game to you and I refuse to let some slag use me.” He glared at me.
“I am NOT a slag!” I whipped back at him. “Niall, I’ve got a complicated past okay? Everybody does. I’m working through it as best as I can.”
“Shut up Alexis. I don’t buy this act from you anymore.” He yelled back, advancing toward me. I cringed, closing my eyes as I tensed for the blow I believed was coming. “Alexis?” His voice softened as he gently touched my cheek. I whimpered at the first contact. “Did you think I was going to hit you?” I shrugged, not moving in case he got mad again. “Lex, what’s going on?”
“Lex, they have a right to know.” Ben spoke up when I stayed quiet.
“I just told them about James. That’s enough sadness for one night. And that was hard enough for me to talk about. You’re asking me to reveal my life to people who I’m just getting to know. It seems like too much for one night.”
“Lexy, you want to get better so you can actually be with Niall, right? No flashbacks, no freak outs?” Lily interjected.
“No.” I started moving out of the flat but Ben grabbed my wrist.
"Alexis, face it. You shove all of these feelings away and hide from your past. That’s not healthy and you can’t keep it up. When you have people who want to get to know you, you have to learn how to let them in.”
“Alexis, we promise not to judge you or treat you differently. We just need to know why you’re treating Niall the way you are.” Zayn added quietly.
“I can’t.”
“You have to confront it Lex.” Ben demanded. “Stop hiding.”
“I’m not hiding damnit!” I spun on my heel, facing him. “I face this reality every damn day of my life. I close my eyes and I see him. I try to face everything I can. I’d like to see you deal with all of this.” I screamed at him. The group huddled in silence, hiding from my anger. Nobody quite knew what to do, they'd never seen me show this much emotion. Eleanor hesitantly stood up and moved to stand next to me. She placed one arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer to her. I hardly noticed the contact but was grateful for the effort.
“Alexis.” Ben barked at me. “I watched your brother die. I know exactly what it’s like to feel haunted by your past.”
“I watched my parents die!” I shrieked at him. “They were stabbed in front of me and I couldn’t stop the bleeding and they died. I watched the man who then adopted James and me beat James as he protected from the alcoholic wrath. James got out of the house, joining the military but died overseas and left me without a real family. I fought against David who promised to protect me when he adopted me, but broke that vow when James left. He raped me, Ben. Talk about haunted right? The man who said he’d take my dad’s place raped me night after night.” My voice broke and I fell apart. Eleanor wrapped both arms around me, comforting me as I collapsed into sobs. The room fell into an uneasy silence as the truth and weight of my past settled.
“Alexis, you are an amazing and incredibly strong person. I’m honored to have met you and I hope we can be good friends.” Eleanor’s soft voice sounded in my ear. I pulled back from her hold minutes later and wiped the tears from my cheeks.
“Thank you Eleanor. That means more to me than you’ll know. I’m really grateful for the chance to get to know you better.” I smiled at her before facing the rest of the group. I chewed my lip anxiously, waiting for the shock to leave their systems. “I’m sorry about the way all of that came out. I know it was a lot to deal with but it’s probably better that you know.” I flushed as I trained my gaze on the floor. I never talked about my past, never let people know why I was so cold and guarded. I didn't want them to treat me differently because of it. I'd been to counseling and I was working through things, albeit slowly. But just I was getting there doesn't mean everybody should know about my life.
“Alexis,” Zayn was the first to speak, albeit timidly. “I’m terribly sorry about attacking your feelings for Niall. If I’d have known I never would have questioned you.”
“It’s okay.” I smiled at him. “You all want to keep Niall from getting hurt. I’d react the same way to any guy who pulled this on Lily. I’m really am sorry that it’s so hard for me to let Niall in. I can’t promise I’ll be suddenly better. I’ll have meltdowns about it, but they’re less frequent and they’re not as bad now. I’ve been getting better, I’m just a work in progress.”
"Lex.” Niall wrapped his arms around me. “I’m sorry I doubted you. I should have trusted that you had a legitimate reason for the way you were actin’. If you still want me, I’d love to start over with you and see where this goes." I settled into his hold, wrapping my arms around his body in return. He moved one of his hands, tangling his fingers in my hair. He held me close, securing my head to his chest with a hand on the back of my neck. “I like you Alexis. I’m glad I don’t have to let you out of my life.”
“Thank you Niall.” I beamed as he let go. “Now that you know about me, please don’t treat me differently. Let’s just have fun.”
“You got it.” Louis stood up and promptly tackled me. “Dog pile on Alexis!” He called. The group lunged at me, landing on my body. I felt the breath rush from my lungs as their combined weight pressed me into the floor. They burst into laughter as they got up from my body.
“Also, I want to thank you for opening up to us. I know it couldn’t have been easy, especially since you don’t know us at all and just have to trust that we’ll still be friends.” Liam commented. “You have a rough past.”
“Everybody does.” I shrugged.
“Not like yours.” Harry jumped in.
“I know that, but that doesn’t mean that my past is any worse than any of yours. Everybody has a past that hurts them and how can I judge if what hurts me is worse than what hurts you. It’s not that black and white guys.”
“Dang Niall, you got a deep one!” Perry winked at him as I blushed.
“I know. She’s amazing!” Niall helped me off the floor and kept an arm around my waist as we moved to the couches. I smiled as I looked at the group around me. For the first time in years I felt as though I may have found a family in which I belonged.
“Thanks Liam.” I offered a small smile. “It’s going to be okay. It sucks not having him with me, but I know that I need to learn how to live without him. For a long time I pushed everybody away from me. I guess I thought if I didn’t let people into my heart then they couldn’t leave it and I wouldn’t get hurt. But Lily has stuck by my side relentlessly and she’s helping me deal with everything. Ben came around when he got back from overseas and wormed his way into my heart. He took James’s place as an older brother to me and has fought to keep me safe ‘til his job took him away.”
“I’m terribly sorry love.” Louis smiled sympathetically at me. "I promise you this: you'll be okay. And until you are, we're all here for you."
“I know. I am glad you all know now, but I’d really like to have a good time with you guys tonight. I’ll never fully get past what happened to James. I do know that I’ve met some amazing people who I have a lot of fun with and I’d love to chill and get to know them better tonight.” I responded.
“We can do that for you.” Harry grinned.
“I’ve got an idea!” Perry smiled widely. “How about truth or dare?”
“Ooooh, I love that game!” Louis smirked at me, mischief written in his features. I shook my head with a chuckle, a feeling of forbidding springing in my stomach. There was no way to tell what the night had in store, but truth or dare with the guys didn’t sound like a safe option. However, they all looked excited so I figured I’d just suck it up and see what happened.
“I’d love to play!” I felt Niall’s arms tighten around my waist as I replied. I hoped the night would be good, but I had no way of knowing how hard it would be for me.
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“Guys come on.” Liam whined.
“Sorry Li, but this was your dare.” Eleanor laughed at the horrified look on Liam’s face. “I guess you don’t know the seven dwarves well enough. It’s not even that bad.”
“It was a stupid dare! Nobody can actually do it.” He pouted while crossing his arms over his chest.
“Dopey, Bashful, Happy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Grumpy, and Doc! There, all seven dwarves in less than 30 seconds. Okay Li, you have to let us write their names across your body.” I grinned wickedly, uncapping the permanent marker Niall handed to me. “Sit still.” I wrote ‘DOPEY’ boldly across his forehead. He glared at me as I handed the marker to Eleanor. “Sorry not sorry!” I winked at him, watching everybody take turns writing the names across his exposed skin.
“Alexis, truth or dare?” Liam turned to me with a glint in his eye.
“Truth.” I gulped, already nervous. The look in his eye forced me to choose truth even though I wanted to pick dare. I had a feeling Liam would give me a terrible dare. Niall gently touched my hand and I looked to him, seeing comfort in his eyes.
"Lame, but okay. Tell us how you really feel about Niall.”
I blushed, looking at the floor. “I’m very much attracted to him. He draws me in but terrifies me because I know that I could get very hurt. His presence forces me to face everything from my past. It’s good and all, but I know that I have to heal before I can open myself up to him.”
“That’s good to know actually.” Niall murmured. “Thank you.” I smiled at him before turning to Harry. While I struggled with the idea of Lily and him being together, they were clearly into each other and I didn’t want to hold them back.
“Okay Curly, truth or dare?”
“Dare.” He proclaimed.
“I dare you to kiss Lily like you've wanted to all night.”
“Alexis, are you sure?” He searched my face as if looking for a trap.
“Harry,” Lily rested her hand gently on his arm. “This is her way of giving us permission.”
“Well okay then!” He turned to her and captured her lips in a passionate kiss. She flung her arms around his neck as his hands pulled her body closer by her waist. The intensity between them grew as the kiss continued.
“Okay guys.” I rolled my eyes at them. “Get a room.”
“Maybe we will.” Lily stuck her tongue out at me and I giggled. “Sorry Lex, I know you’re not a big fan of PDA.”
“But I am.” Harry winked at me, pulling Lily close to him. “Niall, truth or dare?”
“Dare.”
"I dare you to kiss Alexis.”
Niall’s face flamed as he looked at me. “Are you okay with this?”
“I’m not sure.” I replied staring into his eyes.
“Let’s try. If you’re not ready then just stop me okay?” I nodded and he leaned close, his lips millimeters from mine. I felt the warmth of his breath, the minty scent penetrating my nose. As I closed my eyes, an image of David flashed into my mind. I pulled back abruptly, looking at Lily with wide eyes.
“Lex, are you okay?” She asked quietly.
“Niall, I’m so sorry.” I blinked away tears, taking deep breaths to prevent panicking. “I really thought I’d be ready.”
“It’s okay.” He replied. By this point I’d forgotten the others in the room.
“No it’s not.” I gritted my teeth in frustration. “I can do this. Can we try again?”
“Lex, I can wait.” I shook my head vehemently and he leaned close again, his hand resting on my cheek.
“David.” His name burst from my lips as a strangled cry and I stood up rapidly. “I’m sorry Niall. I have to go.” I started moving from the circle.
“Alexis, wait.” Niall called. I turned back to look at him with tears in my eyes, threatening to fall.
“Who the hell is David? Are you dating somebody?” Zayn erupted angrily. “Alexis, I’ve been understanding and accepting with you so far, but it seems like you’re just messing with Niall. Enough is enough.”
“It’s not like that Zayn.” I protested, clenching my fists at my side.
“Sorry Alexis, but he is right. It does seem like you’re just stringing Niall along.” Harry mused. I glanced around, seeing similar expressions on each face with the exceptions of Ben and Lily.
“Please, you have to believe me. The last thing I was to do is drag Niall along.”
“Oh yeah? Then who is this David guy?” Niall rose from his seat on the floor.
“I can’t Niall. Please.” I begged him, pushing loose hair from my face.
“You’re just like the rest of them.” Niall’s voice rose in volume. “Alexis, I know I said I’d wait for you, but if you’re dating some guy and leading me on that’s ridiculous. You’re nothing but a greedy, fame-hungry, selfish tease who gets a kick out of being chased by guys. This is just a game to you and I refuse to let some slag use me.” He glared at me.
“I am NOT a slag!” I whipped back at him. “Niall, I’ve got a complicated past okay? Everybody does. I’m working through it as best as I can.”
“Shut up Alexis. I don’t buy this act from you anymore.” He yelled back, advancing toward me. I cringed, closing my eyes as I tensed for the blow I believed was coming. “Alexis?” His voice softened as he gently touched my cheek. I whimpered at the first contact. “Did you think I was going to hit you?” I shrugged, not moving in case he got mad again. “Lex, what’s going on?”
“Lex, they have a right to know.” Ben spoke up when I stayed quiet.
“I just told them about James. That’s enough sadness for one night. And that was hard enough for me to talk about. You’re asking me to reveal my life to people who I’m just getting to know. It seems like too much for one night.”
“Lexy, you want to get better so you can actually be with Niall, right? No flashbacks, no freak outs?” Lily interjected.
“No.” I started moving out of the flat but Ben grabbed my wrist.
"Alexis, face it. You shove all of these feelings away and hide from your past. That’s not healthy and you can’t keep it up. When you have people who want to get to know you, you have to learn how to let them in.”
“Alexis, we promise not to judge you or treat you differently. We just need to know why you’re treating Niall the way you are.” Zayn added quietly.
“I can’t.”
“You have to confront it Lex.” Ben demanded. “Stop hiding.”
“I’m not hiding damnit!” I spun on my heel, facing him. “I face this reality every damn day of my life. I close my eyes and I see him. I try to face everything I can. I’d like to see you deal with all of this.” I screamed at him. The group huddled in silence, hiding from my anger. Nobody quite knew what to do, they'd never seen me show this much emotion. Eleanor hesitantly stood up and moved to stand next to me. She placed one arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer to her. I hardly noticed the contact but was grateful for the effort.
“Alexis.” Ben barked at me. “I watched your brother die. I know exactly what it’s like to feel haunted by your past.”
“I watched my parents die!” I shrieked at him. “They were stabbed in front of me and I couldn’t stop the bleeding and they died. I watched the man who then adopted James and me beat James as he protected from the alcoholic wrath. James got out of the house, joining the military but died overseas and left me without a real family. I fought against David who promised to protect me when he adopted me, but broke that vow when James left. He raped me, Ben. Talk about haunted right? The man who said he’d take my dad’s place raped me night after night.” My voice broke and I fell apart. Eleanor wrapped both arms around me, comforting me as I collapsed into sobs. The room fell into an uneasy silence as the truth and weight of my past settled.
“Alexis, you are an amazing and incredibly strong person. I’m honored to have met you and I hope we can be good friends.” Eleanor’s soft voice sounded in my ear. I pulled back from her hold minutes later and wiped the tears from my cheeks.
“Thank you Eleanor. That means more to me than you’ll know. I’m really grateful for the chance to get to know you better.” I smiled at her before facing the rest of the group. I chewed my lip anxiously, waiting for the shock to leave their systems. “I’m sorry about the way all of that came out. I know it was a lot to deal with but it’s probably better that you know.” I flushed as I trained my gaze on the floor. I never talked about my past, never let people know why I was so cold and guarded. I didn't want them to treat me differently because of it. I'd been to counseling and I was working through things, albeit slowly. But just I was getting there doesn't mean everybody should know about my life.
“Alexis,” Zayn was the first to speak, albeit timidly. “I’m terribly sorry about attacking your feelings for Niall. If I’d have known I never would have questioned you.”
“It’s okay.” I smiled at him. “You all want to keep Niall from getting hurt. I’d react the same way to any guy who pulled this on Lily. I’m really am sorry that it’s so hard for me to let Niall in. I can’t promise I’ll be suddenly better. I’ll have meltdowns about it, but they’re less frequent and they’re not as bad now. I’ve been getting better, I’m just a work in progress.”
"Lex.” Niall wrapped his arms around me. “I’m sorry I doubted you. I should have trusted that you had a legitimate reason for the way you were actin’. If you still want me, I’d love to start over with you and see where this goes." I settled into his hold, wrapping my arms around his body in return. He moved one of his hands, tangling his fingers in my hair. He held me close, securing my head to his chest with a hand on the back of my neck. “I like you Alexis. I’m glad I don’t have to let you out of my life.”
“Thank you Niall.” I beamed as he let go. “Now that you know about me, please don’t treat me differently. Let’s just have fun.”
“You got it.” Louis stood up and promptly tackled me. “Dog pile on Alexis!” He called. The group lunged at me, landing on my body. I felt the breath rush from my lungs as their combined weight pressed me into the floor. They burst into laughter as they got up from my body.
“Also, I want to thank you for opening up to us. I know it couldn’t have been easy, especially since you don’t know us at all and just have to trust that we’ll still be friends.” Liam commented. “You have a rough past.”
“Everybody does.” I shrugged.
“Not like yours.” Harry jumped in.
“I know that, but that doesn’t mean that my past is any worse than any of yours. Everybody has a past that hurts them and how can I judge if what hurts me is worse than what hurts you. It’s not that black and white guys.”
“Dang Niall, you got a deep one!” Perry winked at him as I blushed.
“I know. She’s amazing!” Niall helped me off the floor and kept an arm around my waist as we moved to the couches. I smiled as I looked at the group around me. For the first time in years I felt as though I may have found a family in which I belonged.
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Hope you all liked it!! I should have another up soon =)