My Janey
November 3rd
My nightmares always replay what I saw that morning. Only I'm the one who finds her not her sister. I see her hanging lifeless in her closet suicide note pinned to the wall. Dead eyes following every move I made. Some days I almost wish I had found her save her sister from seeing that and having to be the one to run to her parents.
Gemma was always up before the sun rose. Practically because she had to spend so much time in the one bathroom we had and because she never could sleep in. She was the one who heard the sirens from the police and ambulance. She'd peered out the window curious the first thing she saw was Janey's mum being pulled out of the house hysterically calling out for Jane. It took Gemma years to finally tell me what she saw that morning. The pain she saw etched into Janey's mum's eyes and the sound of desperate cries.
I was shaken awake by a frantic Gemma her eyes wide panic evident all over her face.
"Something's happened to Janey."
That's all I had to hear to jump out of bed. I grabbed a sweatshirt from the back of my door throwing it on as I raced to the front door. Gemma was right behind me both of us rushed past our confused mum and step dad. Neither of them knowing what was going on.
Once outside I stopped short on our front steps taking in the sight of the police and paramedics. I wasted no time running to the front door of Janey's house only to be held back by large arms.
"Where do ya think you're goin' kid?" The police officer dragged me back as I tried to fight my way out of his arms.
"I need to see Janey!" I cried my eyes not leaving her front door.
"I can't let ya do that."
I was roughly passed to my mum who held onto me. She tried to tell me everything would be alright but I knew it wasn't. I knew when I had come home the night before that everything was not alright. I didn't realize I was crying until suddenly my mum was wiping under my eyes with her finger. I pushed her away then turning back to stare at Janey's home. Her family was huddled by a cop car all of them freely crying now.
Then it happened. The stretcher was brought out a white sheet over a body.
I don't remember much after that. I know I ran to the stretcher only to be thrown back by that police officer. There was screaming. So much screaming. All of it from me I couldn't breath and yet I was screaming Janey's name. I wanted to see her, hold her, anything to know she was alive and not under that sheet. It took both Gemma and my mum to keep me from running after the paramedic carrying her to the back of a truck that would take her to the morgue.
I didn't learn until later that night how it happened. My mum had spoken to one of the police officer's after Robin and Gemma had taken me back to the house. I was staring blankly at my feet my body was numb my brain had shut off too much going on for me to process.
"Ruth found her hanging in her closet." My mum and Robin had been talking in our kitchen voices low but not low enough. "She must have done it last night. Her poor family and poor Harry. I'm not sure what to do with him."
"It's going to be hard for him." Robin agreed.
I tuned them out as best I could after that. My Janey was gone. She was never going to come back. We would never stay up late watching old reruns of Friends that we had seen a hundred times. No more walking to school together or studying for tests. I'd never get to hold her, kiss her forehead when she's feeling down. I'd never get to hear her voice calling my name or see her smile again. I felt empty. Pieces of my heart fell away every passing minute knowing that my Janey wouldn't come stumbling through the door. A part of me was stripped away at the expense of my neglect. If only I would've said no and stayed and got the answers, but I couldn't ever say no to my Janey. I wish I wouldn't have completely melted whenever she asked me something.
My Janey was dead.
Gemma was always up before the sun rose. Practically because she had to spend so much time in the one bathroom we had and because she never could sleep in. She was the one who heard the sirens from the police and ambulance. She'd peered out the window curious the first thing she saw was Janey's mum being pulled out of the house hysterically calling out for Jane. It took Gemma years to finally tell me what she saw that morning. The pain she saw etched into Janey's mum's eyes and the sound of desperate cries.
I was shaken awake by a frantic Gemma her eyes wide panic evident all over her face.
"Something's happened to Janey."
That's all I had to hear to jump out of bed. I grabbed a sweatshirt from the back of my door throwing it on as I raced to the front door. Gemma was right behind me both of us rushed past our confused mum and step dad. Neither of them knowing what was going on.
Once outside I stopped short on our front steps taking in the sight of the police and paramedics. I wasted no time running to the front door of Janey's house only to be held back by large arms.
"Where do ya think you're goin' kid?" The police officer dragged me back as I tried to fight my way out of his arms.
"I need to see Janey!" I cried my eyes not leaving her front door.
"I can't let ya do that."
I was roughly passed to my mum who held onto me. She tried to tell me everything would be alright but I knew it wasn't. I knew when I had come home the night before that everything was not alright. I didn't realize I was crying until suddenly my mum was wiping under my eyes with her finger. I pushed her away then turning back to stare at Janey's home. Her family was huddled by a cop car all of them freely crying now.
Then it happened. The stretcher was brought out a white sheet over a body.
I don't remember much after that. I know I ran to the stretcher only to be thrown back by that police officer. There was screaming. So much screaming. All of it from me I couldn't breath and yet I was screaming Janey's name. I wanted to see her, hold her, anything to know she was alive and not under that sheet. It took both Gemma and my mum to keep me from running after the paramedic carrying her to the back of a truck that would take her to the morgue.
I didn't learn until later that night how it happened. My mum had spoken to one of the police officer's after Robin and Gemma had taken me back to the house. I was staring blankly at my feet my body was numb my brain had shut off too much going on for me to process.
"Ruth found her hanging in her closet." My mum and Robin had been talking in our kitchen voices low but not low enough. "She must have done it last night. Her poor family and poor Harry. I'm not sure what to do with him."
"It's going to be hard for him." Robin agreed.
I tuned them out as best I could after that. My Janey was gone. She was never going to come back. We would never stay up late watching old reruns of Friends that we had seen a hundred times. No more walking to school together or studying for tests. I'd never get to hold her, kiss her forehead when she's feeling down. I'd never get to hear her voice calling my name or see her smile again. I felt empty. Pieces of my heart fell away every passing minute knowing that my Janey wouldn't come stumbling through the door. A part of me was stripped away at the expense of my neglect. If only I would've said no and stayed and got the answers, but I couldn't ever say no to my Janey. I wish I wouldn't have completely melted whenever she asked me something.
My Janey was dead.