A Failure on My Behalf

“Who was that?” asked Shelton groggily, sitting up.

“No one!” I yelled running passed her, grabbing my pillow off the ground, throwing it at her head.

“Okay, ow.”

“And if they knock again, ignore it.” I slammed my door shut before she said anything else, pressing my back against it, hoping I would melt into it.

Hot neighbor and I go all peeping-tom on her, and now she’s at my door. With a hot friend. Oh god what have I done? Why is she even here? I don’t understand people.

Then something happened that made me go weak in the knees and fall to the ground again.

"Hello," I heard Shelton say from living room. NO! She answered the door. GREAT. “I'm so sorry about him," she continued. "I honestly don’t know what’s up with him.”

I heard them laugh, and listened to them talk a bit. And then Shelton invited them inside. She invited HER inside! I am going to die of awkward embarrassment. She’s definitely going to ask me to come and greet them with her.

Why why why why why is she here? Seriously, why? I would try to avoid me after that. Normal people would do that. But of course, people in movies and books are always doing that shit, going into awkward situations.

Yes, I am aware I’m a fictional character. Are you?

I don't want to be known as a creep. Ugh, maybe she should learn how to close her freaking blinds when she’s changing.

Sure enough, Shelton called me into the living room to meet them. "Blake! Get out here. We have neighbors!” she chirped happily. I knew she had mouthed “Hot neighbors” to herself because she’s just that type of idiot.

"Umm, I think I caught a very contagious cold," I called back sheepishly, pulling a blanket off my bed to cover up with.

I heard her say, “He’s joking. I’ll just go get him.” She walked down the hall and into my room to drag me out.

“No!”

“Oh, come on!” She tried pulling the blanket away, but I frantically tucked it tight around me.

“Leave me alone.”

“Why? They’re kind of hot.”

“Very hot,” I corrected her, pulling the blanket down a tad, and she laughed, agreeing.

“Exactly. Why’d you let hottie and hottie stand out in the hallway? Did we light an incent or something?” She suddenly grabbed my face, forcing me to look into her gorgeous hazel eyes.

……o_O.

Anyway….

“IT’S ALL A LIE, MAN. SNAP OUT OF IT!”

“NOTHING TO SNAP OUT OF!” I said, prying her hands off my face, sitting up. “It’s just…” I kicked the door shut so they didn’t hear. Shelton raised her brows at me.

“Uh…?”

I sighed, slumping my shoulders. “It’s just…black hair hottie, I kind of, possibly, maybe, perhaps...saw her…in the nude.”

Her eyes widened as she started beating me. “Oh, you dog, you! You shagged that?” For some reason I was repulsed by that and let out an irritated groan.

“Ugh, no. I don’t even know her.” But then we both broke out in insane laughter.

“HAHAHAHA GOOD ONE, BRO!”

“I KNOW, RIGHT? LIKE I CARE! But seriously, no. This morning, well…ten minutes ago, when I woke up - I didn’t want to wake you, so I got up and went to sleep in my room…just ‘cause…and right out my window - that one - is the hotties’ apartment. And just my luck, she was in the middle of changing, turned around, saw me, but didn’t really have the normal freak out and just stared at me. I thought it was weird - one of us should be tripping, so I did and fell to the ground, laid there for a bit and then, boom, she shows up at our door with a hot friend.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. I don’t wanna go out there.”

She nodded, understanding. “I understand. But one thing I don’t get - why the hell is she here after all that?”

“RIGHT?!”

“Well, I say, since you basically know that one, I get brunette-y. Alright, BREAK.” She threw her hand and the rest of her body into the air, going for the door again, but stopped and went back to me, yanking the blanket off me. She grabbed my hand, yanking me up, but failed. “A little help here?”

“Eh.”

“Please?”

“No.”

“Please?”

“No.”

“Please?”

“No.”

“Please?”

“Fine.”

“Really?

“No.” Her face fell and I busted out laughing evilly in her cute face.

….seriously, whaddup wit me? Nothing. Friends can think other friends are cute, and that’s it.

She eventually got me to get up by saying we should try and get this over with so they’ll be gone by the time my mom brings Frehley home, because that would be awkward if they were here…and yeah. Did that make sense?

oh well.

Yeah, it did…right?

"Umm, hey. Sorry about closing the door on your guys’ faces. I, uh, thought I saw a bee." Thinking that excuse wasn't enough I added, "I think I'm allergic to bees." I popped an uncomfortable smile and then gave a pleading look to Shelton.

To my surprise, both the chickees laughed.

“It’s okay,” black-haired said. I brought my head up to study both their faces. They looked like they were serious enough. Phew. Relief overwhelmed me. Maybe I hadn’t completely embarrassed myself.

“Okay, well,” Shelton held her hand out for black-haired. “The name’s Liz, but you can call me Liz.” Getting a laugh or two, she dropped her hand then turned to brunette with a flirty smile, grabbing hers. “You can call me whenever you want.”

I let a snort out at Shelton while they laughed yet again. “Smooth.”

She cracked that toothy grin of hers. “The smoothie-est.”

“Bethany,” brunette introduced herself, still holding onto Shelton’s hand, matching her previous flirty grin.

Of course, she’s into girls, too. Surprising.

Next thing I know, I got a hand in my face. I started to flinch but then realized it was black-hair’s. I took a couple seconds, giving her an odd look, but still ended up grabbing it a little too fast. The supposed handshake wasn't going on as much of a shake. I couldn't remember how to move for a second. So I was just holding her hand.

Luckily, I snapped out of it. I shook her hand for like two seconds and then let go abruptly.

How much more awkward can I possibly get?

Oh great, now that I asked, I’m going to get a whole lot more awkward.

She’s not being weird about it. Why am I? She should be, but she’s not. So I need to chill.

“I’m Elizabeth, too. I usually go by Liz, but you can call me Beth to keep things easy.”

Both Shelton and I’s neck snapped to her face.

“Seriously?” I asked incredulously. “Your name’s Liz?”

She smiled, making a clicking noise with her mouth, nodding. “Yup. You’re Blake, right?” I slowly nodded, still not believing that. Shelton didn’t seem to believe it either. She was still holding Bethany’s hand, btw.

“God, that’s creepy,” she said, but realized Other Liz might take that the wrong way and quickly added, “An odd coincidence, not…creepy - cool, actually, I mean. Yeah.” She looked back at her hand then smiled at Bethany. “Hi.”

Bethany smiled back. “Hey.”

I just looked at them both like, ‘What the fuck?’ Never seen Shelton flirt so hard before. Period’s make girls extra horny, right? Well, maybe just her, at least.

I looked back at Other Liz and saw she was fucking staring at me. She was smiling, too. I guess…that’s good, right? I pushed out a smile before looking back at Shelton and Bethany, still holding hands. I made my arm act as an axe and broke their hands apart.

“Spreading some serious germs there, Shelt.” She just stuck her tongue out at me, finally letting go of Bethany’s hand. I noticed her slyly wiping her hand against her tight, tight pants.

Hah, her hand got sweaty. I turned to Other Liz, finally asking the question. “Why are you here, exactly? Not trying to be rude or anything, but…”

She looked a bit taken back, but cleared her throat. “Oh, uh, well, new neighbors.” She began grinning. “You got pretty familiar with me, so I thought I ought to get to know you a bit.”

Sonofabitch.

I just gave her the ‘wow, okay’ face while Shelton laughed loudly once. “HA. You watched her get changed!”

“I wasn’t watching her,” I snapped back, shoving her in the shoulder. “I wasn’t watching you. You were just - I, I swear I…”

Her grin grew and then she laughed out loud. "Chill. It's fine. I had no idea you were gonna be here. I'm pretty used to not having neighbors, so yeah. Maybe I should learn to close my blinds..."

"YEAH! You really should."

Her smile became even wider. It was contagious, and I found myself smiling too. Though, I don't even know what I'm smiling about. I'm not sure if I should still feel extremely embarrassed or not. At least this is all taken care of. Can it get any worse?

Great. Now it’s gonna.

I didn’t note Shelton now giving us the ‘What the fuck?’ face. She let out a weird noise then asked Other Liz - rudely, might I add, “Don’t you have somewhere to go?”

We all looked at her with raised brows.

“Shelton,” I said harshly. I hissed like a cat would at her with ‘angry cat claw’ action, saying, “Much?”

She took a second to give me a strange look and then looked at all of us before apologizing with a weak laugh. “Right, sorry. I just - didn’t mean for it to come out so…*hiss*. But you said you were on your way to work and just thought you’d ‘pop in to greet the new neighbors,’ if I’m quoting you correctly.”

“Oh…” Other Liz pulled her phone out of her back pocket, checking the time. “Shoot. Right, uh, gonna be late.” She looked to Bethany, hiking a thumb toward the door. “We should get goin’.” Bethany nodded before turning to Shelton who wasn’t looking so interested in her anymore, but was just giving the death glare to Other Liz.

Okay…

I nudged her again as Bethany just looked at her confused. Bethany turned back to Other Liz, saying, “Uh, yeah, I guess.” Other Liz was staring wide-eyed at Shelton, obviously freaked out by her. Shelton rolled her eyes, muttering something under her breath.

“I gotta take a leak,” she announced, heading for the bathroom.

Well, that’s weird. Why’s she being so weird all of a sudden? Ah, probably thinking about her dirty dream and then got mad that there were people here, ruining the mood. (author: heh, no.)

“Uh, sorry about her,” I apologized on Shelton’s behalf, opening the door for them. “She’s on her, uh - Aunt Flo’s in town, if you catch my drift.”

They both let out nervous laughs. “Gotcha,” Other Liz said, being grabbed by Bethany by the elbow, and getting pulled to the door. “Well, yeah, we live right next door, H26. If you ever need anything - and I mean anything - just come on over.”

Couldn’t tell if she was flirting or just being nice, but then she said, “Anything,” again all flirty-like, so…I just smiled without showing my teeth.

“Will do. Bye.”

“Later.”

“Bye.”

And then they left.

Alright, well, I’m just going to go to my room and change into different clothes. I shut my door behind me, going over to the big suitcase, pulling out a change of clothes. After I made sure I was not in the view of any of the neighboring apartments, I put them on, leaving the dirty ones lying all higgledy-piggledy.

I know I could have just closed the drapes but I only have one set and they’re on the window that doesn’t open to Other Liz and/or Bethany’s window. I gave one last look at Other Liz and/or Bethany’s window before grabbing the knob of my door. But I stopped when I heard the front door open and close again.

“Blake?” a woman’s voiced rang. But even louder than that was a little girl’s.

“DADDY?!”

I got all happy and yanked the door open. “FREHLEY!” (That looks weird as hell in caps, I know.)

“DADDY!”

We embraced and I swung her around, holding her tightly. “I missed you sooooooo much!” So goddam much. “You are never leaving me again, okay?” I don’t know how I’ll make it when she leaves for college. Or when I do. Or we just don’t have to go. Who needs ed-jah-mah-cation anyway? Besides the ones who say ‘education’ like that.

I think I was squeezing her a bit too tight, but she didn’t seem to mind. Holding her extra close to me, I asked my smiling mom who was now sitting on the couch, “Was she good for you? She didn’t cry too much, did she?”

I joined her on the couch as she said, “Oh, non-stop crying. I put half a Benadryl in her applesauce so she’d sleep.”

My jaw dropped and I felt a tad angry. “You drugged my kid? Only I’m allowed to do that.”

“Had to,” she said defensively with a Kanye shrug. “She would not stop. She just kept crying and crying for you. I was tempted to say ‘Screw this’ and bring her back, but I made a commitment.”

Oh, my baby was crying? For me? Gah. Never leaving again, I swear.

Before I could beat her over the head with the remote, the bathroom door opened. I didn’t turn and stare at Shelton as she walked out like my mom and Frehley, because I knew she was in there.

“Oh, Elizabeth, dear, what a surprise.”

“Wizzie!” Frehley squealed, doing her version of a wave which is just opening and closing her hand.

“Yo,” Shelton answered all, grabbing Frehley’s little hand for a second, sitting behind me on the arm of the couch. Then she wacked me on the back of the head, the bitch. “Thanks for not telling me I had brownie all over my face, butt-wipe.”

I refrained from laughing evilly. “Wha - only a few crumbs. It just looked like you had a couple weird freckles.”

“Yeah, let’s hope Bethany doesn’t think they’re weird.”

“Bethany?” my mom asked, puzzled. “Who?”

“Our neighbor - yes, our.” I smiled big. “Shelton’s my new roommate.”

She gasped, clasping her hands together happily. “Oh, that’s great!” Ugh, what is she doing? She always acts like an old, proper English lady around Shelton. I don’t get why. It’s so annoying. I guess it’s better than the way she acted around Leah: also as annoying, always cracking jokes. And not even the good ones.

She’s one of those ‘Am-I-Right?’ people. Over the dumbest shit - that you shouldn’t want to be right about.

This one time, we were just chilling, and I was thirsty, especially for some Mtn Dew. I wasn’t sure if there were even any left, though. So I asked her, “What is there, one left?”

And Leah was there, so she was being annoying. She said, “Yeah, if one was short for none, because that’s how many are left. None. Am I right?”

Really.

This other time she asked me to take out the trash and I said, “Alright.”

“Now, how would you spell that – in your head? Which one did you use? All right, like a-l-l, space, right, or just take out the other ‘l’ and it’s ‘alright’? Why would they do that? Is there a big difference and does my sentence change if I use one but not the other? What if I switch it up from time to time? What happened then? Am I right?”

And I just wanted to fucking hit her.

I think she was just always trying to be funny to get Leah to like her because she was convinced Leah and I were going to get married…AND THEN have kids, but we just nixed the married part and started humpin’ two months into the relationship.

So I think she realized trying to be funny even though she’s not gets her nowhere, so she just tries to be proper and welcoming and all that cruddy crap. And it still gets her nowhere, so she should just stop.

Hmm. I wonder if I got Shelton pregnant, would she stop being like that?

Okay, I’ll stop. That’s dumb.

She ended up staying for about an hour; she brought Frehley’s new bed in and we tried to set it up, but it’s not really working. So, looks as though she’s gonna either be sleeping on an air mattress, out on the couch, or in my room like always.

I knew that even if we got the bed together, all nice and whatnot, she’d still want to sleep with me, so I don’t know why I try.

Don’t really know what we’re going to do today. The guys all wanted to come over and see the place, but that meant David and he is the enemy. They ended up inviting themselves over anyway.

“This place is SUH-WEET!” awed Marc, collapsing on the club chair we found in the alley. It’s not one of those chairs you sit in at bars and clubs, like the fifty-feet-in-the-air ones. This was a - what I would later find out from my mother - a Freemont Leather Brown Club Chair. Google that shit. It’s beautiful and just fits right in with our nothing-themed living room.

Okay, yes. Swiped it from the alley. What? Like I said to Gabby, sometimes you just gotta take what Satan hands to you, and he happened to hand me an almost $300 chair for free.

Someone was probably murdered or conceived on it, that’s why it’s out there.

“Pretty top-notch, I know,” I agreed smugly, taking a seat in the recliner we also swiped from the alley. I would later learn it was a Franklin Microfiber Rocker Recliner. And don’t worry, we vacuumed and covered them with blankets not found in alleyways.

But come on now. You gotta admit, today was our lucky day. Finding half a living room set out and about. Pretty cool.

And this recliner is just lovely. It’s going to be my seat from now on. I mean it. I’ll go all Sheldon Cooper on your ass if you try to sit in it.

“INCOMING! Move over, rover!” yelled Shelton, diving into the little gap next to me. I quickly moved Frehley so she wouldn’t get hurt. Shelton kept trying to get comfortable and realized that wasn’t really going to happen, and eventually just sat on my lap.

Bobby awww’d at us and said, “What a beautiful family.” He made a camera with his hands. “Smile!” Shelton and I posed with huge serial killer smiles while Frehley stuck her palm in her mouth.

“How’s your hand taste?” I asked her, making conversation. “Good?”

She nodded, gnawing some more. “Yeah.”

“Cool.” And I just got the urge to smoke. Damn. And as soon as we all get comfortable. I managed to lay back and relax for about ten minutes, hoping that if I ignored the urge it would just go away. But I just kept thinking about what I could be doing and how good it feels. I lifted Shelton’s legs, getting up, causing both Frehley and her to look at me with wonder.

“Hold her please.” I handed Frehley to her, grabbing my Nike bag from the ground. I held it in the air, hoping she’d catch my drift. “Gonna head outside.” Shelton caught my drift like it was a hundred dollar bill about to hit the ground, and if it touched earth, it would burst into flames.

“Alright.”

But Frehley wanted to come with. She stopped eating her hand and held both of them out for me. This is when I usually pick her up, but I didn’t want her to die of secondhand smoke and said, “No, Frehley. Stay with Shelton. I’ll be right back.”

She opened and closed her hands, starting to pout. “But, but - Daddy...” She just looked so confused and heartbroken, like I was never going to come back and she knew it. She was acting like I was abandoning her when I was actually just going twenty feet over to the terrace - if that. Maybe ten.

I got down to my knees and gave her a peck on the forehead. “I’ll be right out the on the terrace. Right there. You can still see me.”

“W-why can’t I go out there with you?” she asked tearfully, and it made me want to cry and take her out there with me. Oh, my poor baby. But I told her she’d be fine and we did the kisses on the palms of her hands so she can put them against her cheeks and get kisses from me anytime. It’s something we always do before I apparently abandon her. It seems to calm her down a bit.

But when I got up to head for the terrace door, she hopped out of Shelton’s arms and tried to follow me out. But Bobby stopped her and told her I would be right back. She just looked so saaaaaddddd. But she put her hand to her cheek, going back to Shelton.

God. She has the worst separation anxiety. I can’t leave the room without her either bawling or following me out. It’s been like that since she was a baby. She doesn’t seem to care about anyone else; my parents could leave the room and she’s fine - anyone, she doesn’t care. I could leave her with my mom or Shelton - even Leah - so she’s not alone, but the second I’m out of sight, she starts buggin’ out.

I know it’s normal; she’ll outgrow it soon, and before I know it she'll be a teen and I’ll miss these days. But I just feel like such a bad parent for leaving her when she obviously doesn’t want me to. Hearing her cry and cry just sucks.

I kind of don’t want her to grow out of it. I like being needed and it won’t be like this forever, but it’s so hard to get anything done with her clinging on to me all the time. But she’s been extra clingy lately, but at the same time, not at all. You know? Sometimes, if she knows exactly where I am, she’s fine. Mostly when there are other people around us.

Shelton and I call her a ‘cling-on.’ Our way of adding a little humor to the horror she feels.

I smoked three cigarettes before I felt completely serene again, and went back inside where my legs were hugged like I had been gone for years.

I’m gonna miss this so much.

I picked her up and we sat back down in the recliner with Shelton. David hasn’t said a word yet. Maybe things are awkward with Shelton now. I don’t think she told him why she ditched him last night.

I decided to get my phone out and text her. Her response was ‘No, he doesn’t know, and I’m not going to tell him. That’s weird.’ I told her she should probably tell him so he doesn’t think she stood him up. I’m guessing she texted him, because his phone buzzed and he looked at the screen, then at Shelton.

He answered her, then she answered him, and then she texted me.

‘There.’

They all ended up staying pretty late. We didn’t do much today, just lounged around, watching movies and talking. It was surprisingly not boring at all. Adam always gets bored and suggests we go out and do something.

I guess we’re all the chill, laid-back ones and he’s the ADHD one, which makes sense because he has ADHD.

Alright, thing that sucks about having an apartment and not a house - or maybe just our apartment complex - no little lay-out-on roofs. Adam and I always used to chill out on our roofs and now we don’t have that. But we have the terrace and hot neighbors, so that kinda evens it out.

Shelton said she knew Frehley would want to sleep with me and offered to sleep in what should be Frehley’s room. That way someone’s using it. I told her she didn’t have to, and she and Frehley could take my room and I could sleep in her room or out on the couch. But she thought it’d be rude of her to take my room, seeing as it’s my room.

She also said Frehley wouldn’t sleep well if I was in a different room. I knew she was right and we ended up doing the first sleeping arrangement.

-

The sound of clanging pots and pans is what fucking woke my grumpy ass up this morning.
“COME ON, GUYS! UP, UP, UP! HOT NEIGHBORS WANT TO CHILL WITH US TODAY.”

I opened my eyes, looked at Shelton, then closed them again. I did NOT sleep well. And this is a shitty wake-up call. Frehley thought so, too. As she curled up closer to me, she yelled, “SHUT UP!”

Shelton finally stopped the all the noise and said, “Oh, come on, you poopers. I’ll gladly take those hotties all to myself, but I’m on my period. Can’t do much fun on my part. I need a couple wingmen. LET’S GO!”

"I had a bad dream and didn't sleep too well. Can't we re-schedule this for some other time? Or can you PLEASE go without me? I promise my feelings won't be hurt in any way."

"Blake! They’re hot. Come on!" I could tell she was getting antsy, but I was still calm and wanting to just go back to sleep.

"And I look like poo. What time is it anyway?" I asked not willing to check myself.

"It’s 12 o’clock! I don't know about you, but I am pretty sure you have slept LONG enough! Please, Blakey-poo?” My eyes shot open at the blasted nickname and I put on a scowl. “Just get up and get dressed, and then let’s please go!"

Aww, she just wants to flirt like a dog. Yeah, well tuff crackers. Nothing is getting me out of this bed. Especially if it means seeing the exact girl I would like to ignore and never think about again.

“I thought you didn’t like Other Liz,” I assumed aloud, hoping she’d remember all the hatred she had of her for some reason, and cancel the plans. Or at least go without me.

“Well, hate, yeah. But I like Bethany. I haven’t had a girlfriend in a while, Blake. I want her bad.”

Eh, but why not. It is 12:00. I might as well.

I looked at her eager face - which was only inches away from mine - and nodded my head. She smiled and happily walked out of my room. I started to reluctantly sit up, but was yanked back down by a pair of tiny arms.

“No, cold.”

“That’s what blankets are for,” I reminded her with a laugh, trying to pry her arms off my neck.

But she cried out, “No! That’s what daddies are for.” Oh man. This kid is a genius.

“As true as that is…” I tickled her sides getting her to giggle. I took that as my chance and jumped up. “Get up, Frelo. I’m not the only one who’s going to suffer through this.”

She mumbled something, but covered up with the blanket again. I let her be and slouched my way to my suit case. I made sure my blinds were down before undressing and then redressing. When I was done, I made Frehley get up and get dressed. After a crap-ton of complaining, she finally got up.

I let her pick out her own clothes and helped her put them on. She looked in the mirror and realized she was not fashionably gifted and then she let me pick out her clothes. Something we do every morning. But if I don’t let her try on her own at first, she gets all fussy about it. It’s just easier this way.

We went out to the living room and I sat in my recliner, pulling her onto my lap. As we watched Spongebob, I tried to braid her hair because she wanted me to. It turned out hot, but I realized too late that I didn’t have any hair ties and Shelton was busy in the shower, showering. I got up to look for some and when I got back to Frehley, all the braids were falling out and I was not up for re-braiding.

Something we also do just about every morning.

“We need to get you a haircut,” I said, ruffling my hand through her shoulder-length hair.

“Yeah!” she approved excitedly.

“How short?”

“Uhmmm…” She started waving her hands in the air. Not sure what that had to do with how short she wanted her hair, but okay. Then she got all of her hair bundled up into her hand, holding it above her head. “This short!”

“That’s not exactly a length,” I said laughing again.

“Oh,” she giggled and shrugged. “Then I don’t know!”

“I’m thinkin’…” I put my hand right below her jaw momentarily. “There? That’s how short it was before.” She took her hand then put it where mine was.

She nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah, I like that!”

“Then it settled. When do you want to go?”

She did the duck lips, humming, as she thought. “Hmmmmm…today?”

“Today?” I asked, double-checking because sometimes she changes her mind right after she makes a decision. But she nodded.

“Yup!”

“Well, alright.”

I don’t see how she can get so excited about just anything. Or how she still has a working vocal box after how much she yells when she answers a simple question. It’s kind of refreshing, her eagerness. But not too sure I want her to always be like that.

A few more minutes passed before the shower turned off and the sound of the drapes being yanked open was made. Then a couple more minutes passed as Shelton dried off and got dressed - I’m guessing. And a couple more until she walk out, flipping her wet hair back like a diva, then stopped, striking a supermodel pose. Like, a Cara Delevingne supermodel pose. And by that I mean, a pretty pose with a dumb face. (To get a better idea, just Google ‘Cara Delevingne funny’ and you’ll see. I don't mean that in a bad way; I like Cara. She can get, if ya know what i mean.)

She’s wearing my clothes. What a dyke. But they actually looked good on her because she was wearing the clothes I haven’t worn in years but still had even though they were kind of small on me. Apparently too small because they were only a little loose on her small frame.

“Do I look fabulous or do I look fabulous?”

“You’re lookin’ hit, butch.”

“Well, I don’t have any clothes here!” she pointed out. “I just gotta dry my hair and then we’re off.”

I leaned back with an indifferent shrug. “Take your time.”

She stuck her tongue out at me, going back to the bathroom. We waited for what seemed like forever but I was so okay with that because I really didn’t want to go anyway. But hey, I could possibly finally get laid…*chokes back a sob*…after all these years.

Well, I know, Gabby. But it wasn’t really sex. It was like five minutes of slow and careful thrusting. I don’t really count it. She might, but I don’t. And it’s not like I’m getting back with Leah soon. I just don’t think it’s going to happen again.

But Shelton was saying in five to seven days, we’re gonna do it, but…what if I’m all rusty at it? I need some practice, full-on practice.

Okay, now I want to go.

And now that I wanted to go, she was taking her God awful time in there. So I made myself think of all the bad things that could happen if I slept with…uhm…damn. Forget her name already.

Uhm

……………………oh wow. Other Liz. Duh. Okay, if I slept with her - what if she has some disease or something gross and contagious? What if she doesn’t and is all clean and ready to go, but no place to do it at? Frehley has a panic attack when I go into the other room for a couple seconds. She’d cry until I came back if I left her with Shelton for a night; doesn’t matter if I was in my room with Other Liz or at Other Liz’s apartment, she’d still freak out.

And she obviously doesn’t like my parents’ house. And I don’t trust her with anyone else. Except Leah. I could always let Frehley go over there for little visits. She likes Mommy. But…so far away.

God. I knew this would happen. I’m never getting laid again. I’m just going over there for nothing. Nothing is ever going to be able to happen because of Frehley and her issues.

I don’t want to go now.

And just as I thought that, the bathroom door opened and out walked Shelton. OF COURSE. Of course she comes out when I say I don’t want to go.

Fuck evvveerrryytthhiinnnnnnnnnnnggggg!!!

“I’m ready to rock!” she exclaimed with pure joy on her face. She actually looks quite yum. All yummified for a girl who isn’t me.

I mean…boy.

I mean…never mind. (Hey, Kurt, never mind………ya get it? ‘Oh well, whatever, never mind.’ Nirvana? Eh.)

"Let’s go!" she continued to shout.

I picked Frehley up. We followed her outside and we walked down the stairs, out the door, turned to the left, kept walking until we got to their lobby door. Shelton yanked it opened and skipped up the stairs and oh no, we're at the door of their apartment. Maybe I should turn around now before they open the doo-

"Oh, hello! Come right in!" Eh, Bethany answers the door a little too fast for comfort. Shelton walked right in, but I just stood there on the welcome mat. I hesitated and then decided to just go in.

Wow. I stood there in shock, looking around. Girly. Incredibly girly. It even made Frehley say with disgust, “Ew, pink.”

“Right?”

The place definitely looked like a place I would never manage to live in. First of all, they had a lot of glass, fragile things. I should be really lucky if I make it out of here without breaking one of them. Second of all, ‘ew, pink.’ Everywhere. It was so…girly.

They didn’t seem that girly to me.

Out of curiosity, I asked, “Where’s Other Liz?” Shelton looked at me with that same strange look from last night, like I shouldn’t even care where ‘that ho’ is. I don’t, but I was just wondering.

Sitting on the couch, pulling Shelton down next to her, Bethany answered. “Her room. She likes to sleep…A LOT.”

“Well, at least we got something in common,” I muttered, trying to find a reason to stay. I was still standing. Ha…that’s a TV show.

“Does everyone get to sleep in but me?” Frehley wondered loudly.

“Hey, I didn’t get to sleep in either.” I gave a mean look to Shelton. She gave it right back.

“You slept for twelve hours. That’s about fours of sleeping in you did there.”

Me: *stink eye face*
Her: “Right backattcha.”

Bethany laughed at us, then did the unnecessary crouch down to get to Frehley level even though she was her level because we were all sitting on the couch now. “And who’s this cutie? I don’t remember meeting you yesterday.”

“HI, LADY!” is what Frehley shouted back causing Shelton and Bethany to laugh.

Well, I guess I should be the one to introduce my child, as much as I hate doing that. Every time I say, ‘Oh, this is my daughter,’ they always give me that look and say, ‘But you’re just a baby yourself; how can you have a child already?’

Uh, because I had sex with a girl and knocked her up at ‘such a young age.’ And I can just see them writing me off as a no-good hoodlum. They always do.

But I still snuggled Frehley, putting on a big smile. “This is Frehley. She’s my daughter.”

And I think I’m going to like Bethany very much, because she smiled hugely, playing with Frehley’s little hand instead of obviously judging me. She said, “Well, hello, Frehley. I’m Bethany.” She looked up at me. “She is gorgeous; you’re striking. Mommy’s gotta be breathtaking.”

“Oh, she is,” Shelton and I both said at the same time. And then we both looked at each other and laughed creepily. Ah. Best friend’s for life.

I hoped and prayed (Hayley Williams: That everything will work out fine - Both of us: You can’t just stay out on your knees, the revolution is outside; you want to make a difference, get out and go and get it woah-oh - Hobo: OH MY GOD. STOP THAT. Me: Right sorry…lol just kidding. #sorrynotsorry)

I hoped and prayed what’s-her-face would sleep the day away and never come out here. I knew the second she would, Shelton would get all mad again, and I don’t want her to be mad. She’s all pretty when she’s happy. Though…she does get a little hotter when she’s pissed.

But she’s my best friend and I’m going to be living with her forever and if she’s mad, she’s not going to be pleasant. So what’s-er-face should stay in bed forever.

Bethany and Shelton talked for-frickin’-ever, about a bunch of shit I really didn’t care about. Mostly didn’t understand. So Frehley and I played with her feet and she sang the ABC’s for me. She’s knows them, for the most part - her ABC’s.

She talks a lot, says a lot of words for a two year old. I don’t think I was even passed: ‘Pfhhttpffhtpasnalcn’ at that age. Apparently, they’re supposed to be near brain-dead then - I sure as hell was - and only say about fifty words a day or something. She says about fifty every half-hour. She just loves to talk. Half the time her words run together and I have no idea what she’s saying, but…pretty cute.

I think it’s normal because she’s almost three, so she’s allowed to talk a lot more than expected for her age.

While Frehley and I were in the middle of seeing how high she can count to, the door on the left side of the hallway opened up and out walked the person I was longing not to see today - or ever. “Who’s here?” Other Liz questioned between yawns, eyes shut, and stretching her arms. (Which made her boobs stick out, which was just fabulous. Guess who’s not wearing a bra.)

Before anyone answered her, she steadied her gaze and it landed on me. A cute smile widened across her face. “Oh, Blake, hi. And, Liz, hey,” she added the last part quickly, seeing Shelton’s nose crinkle up as she gave her a sickened look.

But she made that look go away suddenly and replaced it with a nice smile. “Good evening…Other Liz.”

“Oh,” Other Liz scolded us playfully, sitting down in an arm chair that was near the couch. “What did I tell you guys? Call me Beth, seriously.”

I made that ‘Pfft!’ sound, waving my hand in the air for a split second as if to knock that last sentence out of it. “Nah. Shelton and I have been referring to you as ‘Other Liz,’ anyway. It’d be confusing if we switched now. Plus, Beth is at the beginning of Bethany. Wouldn’t that get confusing for all of us, anyway?”

Shelton bobbed her head along with me, but “Yeah,” was all she said.

Other Liz and Bethany chuckled at us. “Alright, alright. ‘Other Liz’ it is.” Other Liz decided to then make an observation. “What is that, like a nickname or something?”

At first I really didn’t know what she meant, so I was just like, “What?” But then I got it. “Oh, ‘Shelton?’”

“Yeah, that. I’ve heard you call her that a couple times - that’s actually the only thing you call her. It’s like a nickname, right?”

We both nodded, but Shelton replied. “My last name. He has just always called me that; he’s the only one to ever call me that, and…I don’t know.” She shot a smile at me that I happily returned. “It’s kinda nice. Makes me feel a little special.”

And this is when we start to rekindle that flame, our bond, and it was so cheesy. Like we were an old married couple, happily in love, retelling our story of how we met. I just felt to lame saying this. “Well, Shelton is one cool last name, and while everyone was calling you by the common nicknames, I just wanted something…different, and ‘Shelton’ seemed different enough. And it must be because, unless they’re already ‘in the loop,’ no one has any idea who I’m fuc--…frickin’ talking about half the time - even after we explain it twenty times -”

“So many times,” Shelton interjected like she was reliving all those moments all at once. “You would not believe it. Everyone forgets and it’s not that difficult to remember.”

“Exactly.”

We took a lame moment to purposefully give each other longing looks with tacky smiles. Then she went and ruined it by turning back to Other Liz and Bethany and said informingly, “I call him ‘Blakey-poo.’”

And they laugh. Fuck all y’all.

“Yeah,” I said after the laughter started to die down, like I was so proud of that nickname. “Love it.”

Other Liz pretended to wipe all the fake tears from her eyes, sniffling. “God. That was so beautiful. Seriously.”

“Yeah,” Bethany got in on this, too, and began hopping up and down like an excited child.
“Again! Again!”

I got that strict dad voice going, wagging my finger at them as if they should know better. “Now, kids, one story a night. We’ve been through this.” Shelton snaked her arm around my side, dropping her head on my shoulder, nodding along like a ‘good wife.’ She never really officially moved from that position, minus the ‘good wife’ nodding.

“Yeah, come on, now.”

And they sure do like to laugh at us, and they laughed again. Other Liz finally chose to voice that she acknowledged Frehley’s existence. “And who is this?”
Frehley stuck her hand out for her. “I’m Frehley.”

“My young’un.”

Again, I expected her to judge me, but she didn’t. I like these people. “Oh!” Other Liz said with a big smile, shaking Frehley’s hand with hers. “Well, aren’t you just the cutest.”

Frehley let out a cute little girl giggle with a shrug. “Just might be!”

Ugh, I love her.

And everyone laughs and laughs. And we ended up staying there for quite some time. Oh, and I found out where they work. McDonald’s. Cooooooooool. Other Liz said she’d give me discounts if I went there when she worked, so I kind of like her now.

I told her about how I needed to get a job soon and she said they’re hiring now, so she’d try and put a good word in for me, and I really like her now. But I think Shelton hates her even more now. When she said - the way she said it, Shelton must’ve picked up the vibe I was also getting from it, that she was obviously sending out: that’d she’d be helping me out and I’ll eventually need to ‘pay her back.’

At almost everything she said, Shelton would get progressively closer to me, with the head-on-shoulder thing, like I don’t know…I feel weird saying it, but it was like she was jealous and this was her way of saying ‘We may just be friend’s but he’s not available, bitch. Back the fuck off.’ And I don’t think Other Liz gave two fucks about those signals and sent hers even harder and more obvious.

And it was getting weird. Well…nice, but weird. They kept touching my knees and arms at everything I said, and sometimes when I wasn’t even talking at all. I soon made the madness end by telling them Frehley wanted to get her hair cut today, so we had to leave before it got too late.

Other Liz was all, “Oh…well, darn. Okay, well, what’s your number? Maybe we can hang out sometime, just you and me.”

I stammered nervously, looking from Other Liz to my Liz. Should I give it to her? She said ‘hang out,’ and ‘hang out’ doesn’t always mean sex. Well, it usually does whenever a girl says it to me, but it doesn’t always have to be.

“I…I don’t have a phone.”

“Frehley was playing on it all afternoon…”

Dammit. She sure was.

“Oh, yeah…”

“You just don’t want to say it out loud, do you?” She smiled knowingly. I played along.

“Ya got me.”

“Well, just – here.” She gave me her phone. I thought about chucking it at the ground and laughing like a maniac, running away, but I didn’t.

Instead I said, “I don’t know how to work one of these…”

I heard Shelton snicker, seeing what I was trying to do. Other Shelton - oops, Other Liz smiled and said, “Alright, well…just tell me it. Seriously, Bethany will probably figure out what it is, anyway, and Shelton probably already knows it, so you’re safe here. You can say it out loud.”

She called Shelton ‘Shelton.’ What the - who the hell does she think she is? Only I’m allowed to call her that. It’s MY nickname for her.

Shelton noticed her enemy calling her by MY nickname for her and her head shot up, and she gave a big ol’ glare. Other Liz seemed to know exactly what she was doing, but never looked at Shelton, and smiled deviously, still looking up at me.

“Uh…O-okay…It’s *insert my number here*” I honestly don’t know why I gave her my real number. I thought about giving her the Rejection Hotline number, but remembered I didn’t know it by heart, and she may have already gotten it before.

After that horrible situation that topped off a horribly wonderful evening, we finally left and got to go home because I remembered I left my Nike bag with all my money in it there.
I ended up driving Shelton home so she can start packing all her stuff so she can have it all because she’s going to live with me now, yay. :D

Oh, and yes, DRIVE. When my mom stopped by she had brought her Durango, and said that I could just like have it, and she called my dad when it was time for her to go and drove home with him. So…she’s kinda cool, I guess. Now I can drive everywhere instead of skateboarding. But now all I eat is going to hit me like a train all at once because skateboarding was the only real exercise I get, and I do that a lot.

We got to Famous Hair in under ten minutes after driving Shelton home, it was so awesome. Famous Hair is a part of a block of mini stores between Wal-Mart and Khol’s, fyi. We went in, I told the nice lady at the counter Frehley's name, got flirted with, found an empty seat and sat down and chilled for forty minutes.

Gotta love getting hit on everywhere I go. And no, the constant flirtation doesn’t make my ego as big as my dick. It actually makes me feel very self-conscious because I always feel like I have to look good no matter where I’m going because someone is always going to be there, throwing their horniness at me, even when I reject them.

Like, uh, no, honey. You want this, you gotta put a ring on it. And by ring, I mean Nuvaring. I ain’t having no more kids anytime soon. As much as I love her, the one I got is enough to deal with.

I actually laughed out loud, putting a hand to my chest. “Ah, snap. Good one, bro.”

God, no wonder people are always wanting to get with me. I’m hilarious as fuck.

Forty minutes later, after the people before us were all done and gone, Frehley’s name was called. It ended up being $26 because she shampooed and conditioned her hair, cut it, dried it and offered to straighten it even though Frehley’s hair was bone straight naturally. I think the reason she thought it wasn’t is because when Frehley’s hair is wet it looks wavy and curly, but it dries straight.

Not that you care.

Point is, it was a waste and cost me ten extra dollars. But Frehley was happy with how it turned out, as was I, so it was all good.

We went to GameStop afterwards; it was on the same block as Famous Hair. And the employees were straight guys, so no being hit on, yay.

Frehley kept begging me to buy her the new-ish Zelda game, Pokémon Pearl or Diamond, and many other games, but I told her ‘no’ like a boss. She got sad but when I told her I might just get her a new DS game for her birthday, which is July 25th, and she got happy again.

She’s also getting to go to Warped Tour this year on the 31st of July. I’ve been going since I was thirteen, every year, and it’s fucking awesome. I usually go with Leah, Shelton and/or all the peeps in my posse; my mom typically drives us and hangs out at the Reverse Daycare. I brought Frehley last year and the year before - yes, when she was at the young age of negative. (Leah and I went when she was still pregnant with her.)

She was screaming Paramore lyrics before she could even talk properly.

She loves it and we always have a good time. It’s probably the best way to ensure she grows up listening to actual good music. (:

Alright, was this a long chapter? Feels like it, so I’m gonna go ahead and send y’all off by saying this chapter is now over. Okay, byyyeeeee hoes. ;]