Fear of Flying

Have you ever heard a song that just hit you? Like, you could instantly relate to it so much that it felt like it was written about you? For you?

I found that song on Monday while I was taking a mini study break while I was in the library. Eleanor was in front of me writing an essay or something and I was supposed to be studying for my history test at the end of the week, but I got distracted on YouTube. I put my headphones in and clicked play on the lyric video for ‘I Wish I Could Break Your Heart’ by Cassadee Pope. It was exactly how I felt about Zayn, especially the chorus. ‘Well the truth is that I never, ever wanna hurt you baby, but it’d be nice to that I could.’ There were other lyrics that really hit me, like ‘I wish I could make you cry so hard you can barely breathe and maybe you just might know what it feels like to be me.’ It was scary how bad I could relate to this. I wish I could affect him like he’s affected me, just to have some physical evidence that I mattered to him at all.

I listened to it twice before I must have showed too much emotion on my face. Eleanor was waving her hand around to get my attention. I took my earphones out, “Hey, are you okay?” she asked concerned.

I took a deep breath, “Yeah, just… homework stress,” I said as I closed the YouTube window. She hummed and really started to scrutinize my face, “What?”

She shrugged, “You just look knackered.”

“It’s because I am. I was behind on my reading so I was up all night after I got off work reading. I only got like 4 hours of sleep.”

“That all that’s bothering you?” I gave her a deadpanned look because I knew where she was taking this. “Not the fact that you’re avoiding Harry? Or maybe you’ve been up all night thinking about making out with Alfie?” I knew I would regret telling her about that.

I scoffed, “I haven’t been thinking about Alfie.” Well, aside from how I normally think about Alfie, like if he was finished with his creative writing essay or if he’s be willing to buy me coffee before class tomorrow. I wasn’t bothered by making out with him and thankfully it didn’t seem to bother him either. It was just something that happened. It was fun and exciting and a nice way to pass the time.

“And what about Harry?”

I sighed as I shut my laptop, “What about him? I’m still mad so I just don’t want to deal with him right now.” Over the last 4 days he’s called and texted me countless times, but I just didn’t have the energy to talk to him. I think though, I was more embarrassed at myself for actually doing what he insinuated. I didn’t set out to hook up with Alfie, but it happened, and now, maybe I was a bit of a slag for that.

“He’s gutted you know.”

“I don’t want to talk about it. Besides, he’s only apologizing because you and Louis yelled at him.”

She scoffed, “Well too bad, we’re going too talk about it. He was already pretty run down when Louis and I got to him. He’s been having a rough time, with the media and stuff. You know this. He didn’t mean to snap at you call you a slag. Though, I guess you did end up-”

“Shut up,” I glared at her.

She rolled her eyes, “I wasn’t going to call you a slag, and you’re not! I’ was just saying that he pointed out that you and Alfie may or may not be more than friends and then you ended the night with his tongue in your mouth.”

I rubbing my hands over my face trying to hide my embarrassment, “I know. And I hate that I proved him right. I’m embarrassed, and annoyed and I’d just rather not think about it. But there’s nothing there between me and Alfie. It was just two people just having fun.”

She huffed, “Well you should still talk to Harry. He’s one of your best friends, I think he’s earned the right to apologize don’t you think?”

“You and Louis are so fucking nosy,” I grumbled as I started packing all my stuff into my rucksack. “I’ll deal with Harry when I’m ready, but right now, I’ve got to get to work.”

“Fine,” she sighed. “But just think about talking to him okay?”

“Yeah. I’ll see you later.”

*****

I was closing tonight so I wouldn’t be home until close to 9:30, which sucked because I was exhausted. When I walked in, the lights were dimmed and the acoustic music playing was a bit louder than it was during the day shifts. Justin always said as the sun went down, the louder people wanted their music so that’s what we did. Eddie was behind the counter and smirked at me as I came in, “There she is!”

“Um, here I am,” I said a bit confused at his enthusiasm. “We workin’ together tonight?”

“Yep,” he said as he tossed a sharpie from hand to hand, “Gonna be your best shift yet, thanks to me.”

I chuckled, “If you say so.” I walked into the back room, greeting Liza as I walked in. There was a massive bouquet or red, pink and yellow roses on the table where we normally put our bags and stuff. “Whoa, are these from Justin?”

She smirked at me, “They’re not mine.”

“Oh… well they look expensive.”

“They’re for you.”

“What?” I shrieked.

She nodded, “Came about 20 minutes ago. Whoever they’re from spent a fortune. Two dozen roses aren’t cheap.”

I was still frozen in place as I stared at the big display for roses. Then I spotted the little card and plucked it off the stick. I think I knew who they were from before I even opened the card.

Please forgive my moment of immaturity. -H

“Well? Who are they from?” Liza said coming up behind me. “Who’s H? Oh! Is it that cutie with the dimples? Harry right?”

I nodded, “Yeah,” I sighed.

“Must have done something pretty bad to send this.”

“No, he’s just obnoxious,” I said as I stuffed the card in my purse before tying on my black apron.

“Don’t be so sour,” she scoffed. “What he do?”

“Called me a slag.”

“What a douche bag!” Her and Justin’s American slag always made me laugh. “Okay, now I totally think he should send more than just flowers. No women should be called that.”

“Calm down mama bear,” I said grasping her arm softly, “It’s fine. I’m handling it.”

“Men,” she scoffed. “Always putting their foot in their mouth, I swear it.”

I chuckled, “I agree. I’m gonna get to work though. Unless you want to pay me to just sit here and gossip with you.”

“I’d be okay with that, but Justin and Eddie would deem it unfair I think.”

*****

I had a missed call from my mom, so on my break I went into the back room and called her. “Hi baby, how are you?” It felt good to hear my mother’s voice. Growing up, as an only child, my mom and I were really close, still are. I just don’t get to see her in person very often anymore.

A few months after I started Uni, my dad got transferred to Greece for work. So while I was knee deep in papers, text books and tests, my parents sold my childhood home and moved to another country. It’s been about 2 and a half years now and I’ve only visited twice so far; during summer and spring break. It was hard to take so much time off when I had bills to pay, though mom and dad helped once in a while.

“I’m good. How are you and dad?”

“Oh we’re wonderful. We really love it here.” She was always saying how amazing Greece was and how I’d love it and should move there after Uni. But I liked my little place in London too much, though I did miss my family.

“I’m glad to hear it.”

She sighed, “How are you really Kennedy?” Her soft motherly tone made me ache to have her hold me like she did when I was younger. “You know, I’ve seen the papers. You didn’t tell me you and Zayn broke up?”

No matter how many times I’ve told her Zayn and I weren’t together, she always brushed it off. “Well, we’re not together, we never were. We were… he was just,” I sighed, “I don’t know mom,” my voice wavered even though I tried my hardest to hold it together.

“Oh baby, I’m sorry you’re hurt.”

“’s’okay. I knew it would happen eventually. I guess I just hoped…” I could never lie to my mother. Even if I tried, she’d know the truth in my voice or a look.

“You hoped he’d eventually see what was right in front of him,” she continued for me.

I sighed, “Yeah. But he didn’t, and he looks so happy now. I guess… I just have to move on.”

“You’re a strong girl, you can get through this.”

“I know. Still gutted.”

“And that’s alright. He just wasn’t your lobster, you’ll find yours eventually baby.”

I smiled at her words. My mom was always making these odd little analogies, it made me miss her more. “Thanks mom. I miss you, but I have to get back to work in a few minutes.”

“I miss you too love. Shall we try to skype soon? I know you’re father would enjoy that.”

I smiled, “Yeah, that’d be lovely.”

“Alright well when I talk to him we’ll figure out our schedules and get back to you okay?”

“Sounds good.”

“Hang in there baby. You’re heart won’t be broken forever.”

“I know, thanks.”

“Have a good night.”

“You too.”

*****

The rest of my shift with Eddie went by quick. I loved when I got the chance to work with him. He was always cracking jokes, and trying to make new coffee and tea concoctions. Just tonight, he’s made Liza, and Justin when he came in, try three different drinks, he wanted to put something on the menu so bad. They were all vetoed, though I kind of liked the caramel mint tea thing he tied, bit awkward, but wasn’t terrible.

Driving home with the giant vase of roses was an adventure in itself. I literally had to seatbelt it in the backseat so it wouldn’t topple over, because I couldn’t see around it if it were in the passenger seat. It was the most obnoxious thing anyone’s ever forced upon me.

So imagine my frustration when I as I walked up the last flight of stairs only to see another two dozen red roses sitting on my doorstep. He doesn’t know when to quit does he?

I managed to get myself and all the flowers into my flat before I read the second card.

I’m just going to keep being obnoxious until you forgive me. -H

I was irritated. But at the same time, I was flattered he cared so much to apologize.

Ever since Zayn tossed me aside so easily, haven’t I been moping around saying I just wanted to feel like I mattered? And here my best friend was, proving to me that I mattered to him.

With a reluctant sigh I pulled my phone out and called him. I wasn’t ready to just roll over and forget that his words didn’t cut me, but I had to do something. But he didn’t pick up and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little gutted about it. I decided to leave a message, “Four dozen roses Harry? Really?” I sighed, gnawing on my bottom lip for a moment. “Thanks,” I said softly before I ended the call.

I tossed my phone onto my bed, it was closer to 10 then I would have liked, closing up too a bit longer than usual tonight. I was tired, but I still had a bit of reading to finish, so I took a quick shower before I pulled out my Classical Humanities text book.

I only got a few pages done before I just decided I didn’t care enough and burrowed under my covers to sleep.

*****

I awoke with a shriek as something heavy fell onto the bed next to me. I flipped over quickly and saw Harry, lying on his stomach with his face partially smashed into my pillow smiling at me, “Hiiii,” he sang out.

He smelled like a pub and he was clearly drunk, “How did you get in here?” I huffed. I remember locking the door before I took my shower.

He rolled onto his side to face me, “I stole the spare key you gave to Eleanor ages ago.”

I rolled my eyes, “Okay fine, but what are you doing here?”

“I missed you,” he pouted. “I’m sorry I was horrible to you. You’re not a slag. If you’re a slag, I’m a slag! I’ve slept with loads more people then you have!”

I looked over at the clock and scoffed, “Harry, it’s 3 in the morning! I have class in the morning!”

“I’m sorry! Grimmy dropped me off. I wanted to see you, you’ve been ignoring me for months!”

“Try days.”

“Did you get my flowers?” he asked without missing a beat.

I rolled my eyes, “All 48 of them, yes.”

“And I’m not forgiven?” he asked as she started pulling at the blankets so he could fix himself under them.

I sighed, “Harry, you’re completely car parked, let’s not have this conversation now. You can sleep on the couch.”

“No, I’ve missed you. Least you could do is let me share your queen size bed, yeah? You’re couch is shit!”

“You’ve slept on it countless times Harry.”

“Exactly!” he exclaimed, “So I know for a fact how shit it is! I should buy you a better one.”

“Don’t.” I huffed as he grabbed at my waist to pull me against him, “Harry stop. What are you doing?”

“It’s called cuddling. People do it all the time.” He pulled me flush against his side, and threw one of his legs over mine so it was resting between my legs. Drunk Harry was cuddly Harry, and I really didn’t want any part of it, but judging by how slow his breathes were getting, he was seconds away from passing out.

I sighed in defeat and tried to get more comfortable in his embrace. He was about 15 degrees hotter than me it felt like, and I knew I’d wake up sweating.

His hold on me tightened as I tried to get better situated and I felt his lips against my hair, “I love you Kenny. You’re my best friend,” he said groggily.

I rested my head against his chest and sighed. Lightly grabbing at his shirt, he smelled heavily of alcohol, but his cologne was still clutching to the fabric. It was a soothing familiar smell of him that helped me relax. I looked up at his face. His eyes were shut and his lips were parted slightly “I love you too Harry.”

“Please forgive me,” he mumbled.

“Okay.”

*****

My alarm went off at 6 in the morning. I was still exhausted, between waking up every time Harry moved and having trouble falling asleep because of his body heat, I got little sleep in the last 3 hours.
I rolled over trying to detach myself from him but he just gripped me harder, “Where are you going?” He cracked one, completely bloodshot, eye open. I could tell he was still drunk.

“I have to get ready for class.”

“Skip. Sleep in with me.”

I sighed as I pried his grip off me and got out of bed, “As fun as that sounds, I can’t.”

“You’re still mad at me,” he whined and pulled my blanket over his head. He’d managed to strip down to nothing but his briefs in his sleep, waking me up every time he shed another piece of clothing. Annoying git.

“I’m not mad, I just have class.” I started grabbing clean clothes out of my hamper where all the clean stuff sat waiting to be folded. I went into the bathroom to get ready. Looking in the mirror, I could visibly see how tired I was. I had dark circles under my eyes and one side of my hair was pushed up from where my head laid on the pillow all now. I quickly ran a brush through my hair before just giving up and throwing a beanie on.

When I was ready, and walked out to gather all my books, Harry was in the middle of my bed passed out again. “Lock my door before you leave!” I said loudly so hopefully he’d hear me. He groaned and threw an arm out of the blanket, waving me off.

I sighed as I headed off, praying that he’d remember to lock my door.

*****

The door to my flat was still unlocked when I got home, “Are you fucking kidding me?” I grumbled as I dropped my rucksack by the door and kicked my shoes off. I was ready for a nap like never before.
I walked into my room and stopped dead in my tacks. Because my bed wasn’t empty, a curly headed pop star was still asleep in it. Stretched out in the middle of the bed like this morning, only the covers were more tangled around his limbs. I sighed, “Seriously Harry?” I groaned loudly. I went to the side of my bed and tried to shove him over so I could claim my bed back.

He groaned, “Stop! I have a headache!”

“It’s 2 in the afternoon, what are you still doing here?” I shoved him again finally getting him to roll over.

“I’m sleeping,” he snapped, “What’s it look like?”

“Have you seriously been sleeping the entire time I was gone?” I rested my head against my pillow. I smelled like him and a lot of alcohol, “I think the alcohol is seeping out of your pours. How much did you have to drink last night?”

He hummed tiredly, “A lot I assume. My heads killing me.” He had his arm thrown over his eyes as he lay on his back.

I sighed, “I’ll get you some aspirin.” I pulled myself back off me bed and went into the bathroom and grabbed the bottle of pain killers and filled a cup of water. “Here,” I said standing over him, “Take these, then take a shower. I’ll order Chinese, the grease will help with the hangover.

He begrudgingly sat up and took the pills and water I handed him, “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it. Take a shower.” He was lucky I didn’t have work today.

I went out to the living room to get my phone and ordered take away. I also pushed the vases of roses to one side of the table so we would have a place to eat. They still took up over half of the table. I also went and turned the coffee maker on, because Harry clearly needed every hangover remedy I could think of. Then I went back into my room to see if he had actually listened to me. I heard the shower running from behind the bathroom door and went to work stripping the sheets off my bed to wash them. The scent of alcohol strong in my room and the last thing I wanted to do was sleep in a bed that reeked of a pub. I shoved them all in the wash haphazardly and shutting it, getting it read to turn on once Harry was out of the shower.

Harry came out into the kitchen just as I was pouring him a mug of coffee. He still looked rubbish, his eyes were tired, and he was practically dragging his body to sit in one of my kitchen chairs. He was only wearing his tight black jeans from last night, but nothing else. I had to tear my eyes away from his wet upper body as he practically threw himself into one of the chairs. Hey, I’m only human! Is there anyone on this planet that could deny how attractive Harry was?

“Here,” I said pushing the coffee in front of him. “This should help, the food should be here soon.”

“I really don’t think I can eat,” he said before taking a small sip of the black coffee.

I sat down in the chair across from him, “Trust me, you’ll feel better when you do.”

He groaned and rested his forehead on his arm. We sat in silence then, I didn’t know what to say and he had a bad hangover, so I just let the silence blanket us.

He turned his head and looked up at the roses next to us, “Do you like the flowers?”

“It’s too much,” I sighed, “But yeah.”

He turned his eyes to me then, “Well I didn’t know how else to get your attention? You wouldn’t answer any of my calls or messages, so you left me no choice,” he bit out.

I winced, “I’m sorry I was just… I was irritated.”

His eyes softened, “I’m sorry for calling you a slag. I’ll never forgive myself for letting my anger out on you like that. You didn’t deserve it.”

I nodded picking at the chipped nail polish on my fingers, “You apologized last night.”

“Yeah, but it was a lame one. I think I called myself a slag as if it made what I did any less awful.”

“Harry, it’s fine. All’s forgiven alright.” I shrugged, “I was more mad at myself anyway.”

“Why?”

I shrugged. I really didn’t want to tell him he’d been right about me. That I just seemed to go after every male I was friends with. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he’d called it. “I just was. It’s fine though, we’re good.”

He was staring at me intensely, biting his bottom lip. Just as he opened his mouth to say something though, he was cut off by the doorbell. I got up to answer the door and get the food from the delivery guy. Just as I was about to hand him some money, Harry’s hand came from behind me, swatting mine away and handed the guy some notes, “Keep the change,” he said as he also grabbed the takeaway bags out of my hands. I sighed and let him, turning to the delivery guy smiling in thanks before shutting the door.

“You didn’t have to pay for that,” I said following him.

“I know you didn’t, but I wanted too. You got it for my hangover anyway.”

I watched as he started pulling the food out of the bags on the table, “Well yeah, but I was hungry anyway.” He just hummed, basically ignoring me.

I went to grab plates from the kitchen and handed him one, “Thanks.” I nodded and went to walk around him to the food but he put his hand on my hip to stop me, “We are okay yeah?”

I smiled softly at him. The genuine worry in his face was endearing, “Yes Harry. We’re fine.”

“Promise?” he asked sticking up his pinky finger between us.

I chuckled as I linked mine with his, “Promise.”