Here Goes Nothing..

It's been a couple of weeks since I woke up to my mom's voice praying at my bedside back in the hospital and since then all I wanted nothing more than to go home; not for me but for them, my folks...for Darren!

''you're up'' It was a statement more than it being a question

''I didn't wake you up,did I'' he shook his head ''..couldn't sleep, thought some tea would help''

''still having those nightmares?'' he asked, his voice heavy with sleep

''the minute I close my eyes, the whole day starts playing my head over and over''

''you have the sleeping pills the doctor prescribed''

''no! no pills.. I don't wanna be sedated all day,I need to face this if am ever gonna get over it''

''and how are you planning on doing that, you don't eat...you can barely sleep and you refuse help from any one, heck you wouldn't even allow you own mother to stay with you for a few days'' his tone was on the verge of mad.

He was right, I needed help but I was so caught up in my own lie; that I almost believed I was ''fine''.

''god damn it Sara, you have no idea how infuriating it is to hear you say that, especially when I know that you're nothing BUT fine...can't you see that am just trying to help you?''

''I didn't ask for your help'' it came out a yell matching his tone of voice

''like it or not...you've got it''

''you don't know what's going on, you won't understand''

I tried walking past him so this won't get out of hand but he grabbed my arm ''try me'' was what he said before the unexpected contact forced my tea to the floor causing it to shatter into a million pieces.

''careful! it's not a good idea to do that with your bare hands...you'll end up..'' blood was already dripping to the ground before I could finish my thought ''..cutting yourself!''

He went to the sink to wash it off then disappeared upstairs; leaving me to clean up the mess...once done I went up to find him in bathroom struggling to get a box of band aids open.

''here, let me'' I pulled one out then took his hand in mine ''we should probably use some alcohol first''

''you're lucky it's not that deep'' He chose to remain quite, surrendering his palm to me.

''is it that u don't trust me'' it sounded defeated, those words forced me to meet his gaze ''..that's why you don't wanna talk to me?''

''No!! of course not''

''then what is it Sara, why won't you tell me what's wrong'' the hurt in his voice was making my heart ache...I had to explain, I had to tell him despite knowing that once am done he'd want nothing to do with me...he had to know that it wasn't the crash that was haunting me, it was my past!

''Lily wasn't only a patient at the hospital...she was my daughter'' it was the first time I allow myself to use the word ''she was mine''

He pulled his hand out of mine and sat at the edge of the bathtub...

''it was supposed to be the best summer of our lives, fresh out of high school taking a six month trip around Europe before heading to college...med school to be exact, it was all a dream come true...little that I know it was soon to turn into a nightmare!''

I took a deep breath before telling the hard part

'' a week into the trip I started feeling ill but brushed it off thinking it must be all the traveling and the weird food, my best friend at the time insisted I see a doctor when it didn't clear away...worst case scenario you've got the stomach flu; she said...neither of us expected to be told am three month pregnant...I felt my world crashing down before my eyes, what would I tell my parents, what about my scholarship, what do I do...the questions were endless and no one had the right answers, I called my boyfriend thinking he'd know how to handle this...after the initial shock, he suggested I come back home and promised he'd fix this...since my parents thought I was on a trip I had to stay with his family till am do, eventually we both agreed that adoption was the best solution for all parties involved...we were both teenagers, we know nothing about raising a kid, and just like that this whole thing was a fragment of the past...now here I was years later in a brand new city, brand new job, brand new me and I meet the sweetest little girl with the most aggressive form of cancer, she was something else...she always managed to put a smile on my face regardless of how bad my day was going, it didn't take much for me to fall love with her...I found myself taking special interest in her case, trying my best to gather as much info as I could to come up with a treatment plan but her medical history fell short and I had no choice but to contact her parents for all the information I needed...that's when the world pulled the rug from underneath me yet again, I sat there listening to the story of her adoption, MY story!! that day I promised myself that I'll do all I can to save her, life was being unfair...she doesn't deserve to have cancer, she was supposed to have a nice life, a happy one, she deserved to be healthy or atleast that's how I imagined her life would be after I gave her up...instead I failed her yet again, that day I couldn't safe her and now every time I close my eyes I see her lying there, lifeless and I hate myself for not being able to do anything about it''

Tears were carving their way down my face, recalling all of this took me back to how that 18 year old girl felt for most miserable year of her existence.

''there you have it, am not that composed girl you think I am...if anything am damaged beyond repair and the last thing you want is to offer me help; cause there is nothing you can do Dare to fix this...trust me!''

He lifted my chin and spoke close to my face, his eyes a darker shade than am used to..

''you're not damaged'' for the first time in a long time, I believed it!